CallMeMcGyver

221496 pts · May 1, 2014


Nosey one aren’t you?… Well… About me…let’s see… I was born on February 12, 1809 in a small log cabin at Sinking Spring Farm near Hodgenville, Kentucky. I was mostly self taught and had many interests including law and penguin wrestling… In 1832, I declared my candidacy for the Illinois House of Representatives… wait… that sounds like Abraham Lincoln’s backstory… Sorry… I was born sometime between 1155 and 1167 and given the name Temüjin, I was the eldest child of Yesugei, a Mongol chieftain of the Borjigin clan and as I grew up I began to gain followers and formed alliances with two prominent steppe leaders named Jamukha and Toghrul… Nope, sorry again… that’s Genghis Khan… I’m pretty sure I was never a Mongol leader… Actually, who the hell knows where I came from… its a big galaxy and it’s probably not important anyway… I like your planet and it’s generally pretty nice… there really a lot of humans on it and I’m not sure what the hell you all are up to but you seem pretty hellbent on destroying this place… you do know having a habitable atmosphere is kinda important… Right? You should be happy those polydactyl cats are watching over you frickin’ nincompoops… But whatever, I’m not spoiling the plot by telling you too much… Humans seem to like surprises… dinosaurs did too, but… never mind I’m not spoiling that story either if you didn’t already read the book… anyway… I’m gonna go make myself a sandwich… please try not to blow up the planet before I’m done… the cats will be really pissed off if they have to intervene again. Bye. Oh crap… I almost forgot… If you are here for the Quantum Axion Decoherance settings… You need to move the leftmost blue knob till the variance meter reads 22.841°, slide the green lever to 18.7764 Bgz, push the yellow flange squazzle four times, and set the phase retrieval arc to 179.84 millidrabits… or something like that… The worst thing that could happen is you trigger a Anoctic Interplane Cascade Implosion and the universe collapses in on itself again… I mean that literally is the worst thing that can happen… it’s pretty bad… don’t do that… Maybe don’t mess with the settings at all… Anyway… I gotta go sandwich… Bye.

How much for the owl?...

Points 674
Comments 26
Views 24004

Today I found Jesus...

Points 10
Comments 20
Views 666

Man the mushrooms in my lawn are getting weird...

Points 11
Comments 2
Views 666

Instead of black, why not something we see so often...

Points 11
Comments 1
Views 275

WTF Imgur... Nazi merch ads?

Points 19
Comments 20
Views 536

Disney/ILM trying to sell AI in a TED talk

Points 16
Comments 14
Views 726

What did I just do to make this appear? Can't seem to make it happen again (using an iPad)

Points 7
Comments 4
Views 549

The Onion ad in the New York Times…

Points 30
Comments 5
Views 583

But why not? It could be your Superhero origin story... (or supervillain)...

Points 28
Comments 11
Views 1001

Kinda disappointed...

Points 5
Comments 2
Views 820

Patchogue, NY: No Kings Protest...

Points 171
Comments 3
Views 2958

You should do this too!!

Points 38
Comments 3
Views 620

Big Recall for Rat and Bird feces contamination... (external packaging contamination)

Points 547
Comments 98
Views 26892

RIF is the real unqualified hiring standard

Points 22
Comments 2
Views 287

ICE targets anyone brown... black LEOs not exempt.

Points 423
Comments 35
Views 7340

Stop Saying "Vote"... Blue is the only survivable option!

Points 626
Comments 31
Views 10664

Chester The Molester... A big part of the MAGA cultural identity.

Points 18
Comments 3
Views 424

Merry Everythingmas, you glorious beautiful bastards!

Points 23
Comments 2
Views 299

Go in with both Bananas Blazing!

Points 4
Comments 0
Views 350

Cheapo pseudo-gourmet sandwich...

Points 10
Comments 12
Views 596

TIL… Dead multi-hued LED bulbs usually still work, just not the hue that died…

Points 48
Comments 14
Views 1778

Scam Alert: Another Variation of the E-ZPass phishing scam.

Points 37
Comments 7
Views 1245

It's all theatrics, they don't have their own opinions, just what they are told to think...

Points 309
Comments 20
Views 6023

When you can't tell an STD from Stigmata...

Points 59
Comments 33
Views 828

This effing ad all effing day...

Points 26
Comments 10
Views 386

No Kings protest, Babylon Town Hall Park, Suffolk County, NY...

Points 40
Comments 2
Views 385

Semi-sentient Banana...

Points 2
Comments 0
Views 234

Show Us The Damn Files!

Points 42
Comments 3
Views 477

AI Slop in Doctor's office waiting area...

Points 11
Comments 6
Views 817

Meet Carl... the last of his kind.

Points 16
Comments 2
Views 360

In my defense... I'm really bored...

Points 32
Comments 10
Views 1152

Just a reminder about spying for Russia...

Points 32
Comments 5
Views 426

Breathtaking incompetence and criminality...

Points 681
Comments 82
Views 11384

In Memory of The Consumerist...

Points 24
Comments 2
Views 614

A Truly Heartworming Story... (Feel good)

Points 7
Comments 2
Views 294

“Father of IVF” admits he didn’t know what IVF was until this year…

Points 552
Comments 75
Views 16073

Outside the kitchen window...

Points 8
Comments 10
Views 595

Team Acorn… I guess?

Points 57
Comments 1
Views 342

Trump is sounding more like Gollum every day... "We don't like those mosquitoes running around..."

Points 10
Comments 1
Views 349

I agree... "This is a scam!!!"... Everything always is with these people.

Points 415
Comments 46
Views 10746

Weird Old Liar still saying schools are doing sex change operations…

Points 470
Comments 75
Views 14998

Is it just my brain, or do I blame my eyeballs too?

Points 33
Comments 12
Views 1137

Not "good news", the ship is still sinking...

Points 43
Comments 23
Views 938

What you are actually saying is quite clear crybabies...

Points 1329
Comments 125
Views 63983

Worth mentioning since this wasn't covered much...

Points 695
Comments 80
Views 13502

Similarities?

Points 26
Comments 9
Views 1370

Sound familiar?

Points 6
Comments 1
Views 388

She's the one who needs to repent...

Points 756
Comments 97
Views 16639

Looking at Imgur when I got this...

Points 11
Comments 2
Views 295

Very wholesome and heartworming...

Points 7
Comments 17
Views 747

Headlines with better pictures...

Points 50
Comments 20
Views 1023

"What have you got to lose"... Great slogan...

Points 10
Comments 6
Views 426
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