ElvisParsly

81380 pts · March 1, 2014


After dropping out of high school I joined a circus and obtained employment feeding non-essential parts of my body to animals in a fifty cent side show. Billed as 'Kalvin Kan, The Amazing Anthropocentric Organ Grinder', I prospered there until the show went bankrupt due to lagging interest and several climacteric legal proceedings. Insolvent and without any real prospects, I sold plasma, which provided me with enough money to survive. And although it wasn't actually my own plasma, it eventually allowed me to save enough money to invest in a famous nation-wide chain of drive-thru liquor and gun shops. Although my 'Speedy Bullets And Bourbon' franchise did provide me with a tidy revenue, the combination of driving, firearms and drunkenness were inexplicably becoming 'politically incorrect', so I wisely sold my share in the enterprise to The Branch Davidians. It was then that I developed an interest in religious profiteering, so I invested my capital into a remunerative ideology and created 'The Church Of The Benign Idea', a quasi-religious organization which espoused the ideals of meddlesome indoctrination and ungoverned venality. As ticket boy and minister of propaganda, I was free to further my individual conception of moralistic reality, while at the same time reaping the benefits of an opportune non-taxable income. However, due to an embarrassing sexual tryst I had with an entire Tupperware party in 1990, I was compelled to resign my position by my congregation due to what were described as 'moral anachronisms'. It was at that point in my life that I was forced to find employment in a field with absolutely no moral center or ethical code. So, I considered either turning to the talk-show circuit, prostitution, or becoming an attorney. Then, in a bold notion, I had the inspiration to combine these professions, but the pilot for 'Law and Order: Judicial Pimp-izle' just raised too many eyebrows in the heart of white-bread America. Scandalized, financially exasperated and politically destitute, I went utterly insane and moved back to my home town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts, where my previous experience with bodily fluids and Tupperware helped me to obtain a position as tour guide at the Berkshire Museum's Ancient Egyptian Plastic Canoptic Jar display, where I am employed to this day. Come down and see me anytime!

FYMD

Points 11
Comments 0
Views 250

Surprise! The inside of my asshole! The attending physician forgot his flashlight.

Points 20
Comments 0
Views 197

FYMD

Points 27
Comments 4
Views 416

FYMD

Points 18
Comments 1
Views 286

SERVER MELTING DOWNLOAD OF UNRELATED VIDEO MATERIALS- PISS OFF MEDIALAB

Points 30
Comments 2
Views 421

Its Spooky Time Y'all

Points 4
Comments 2
Views 573

FYMD

Points 4
Comments 1
Views 281

FYMD

Points 12
Comments 2
Views 279

FYMD

Points 165
Comments 7
Views 2800

46 Years Ago- That's right kids, 46 years ago- This banger was released...

Points 573
Comments 68
Views 28675

FYMD

Points 25
Comments 4
Views 312

Weird Al, y'all- the BEST

Points 362
Comments 46
Views 15208

FYMD

Points 42
Comments 5
Views 600

FYMD

Points 29
Comments 2
Views 422

The lost Horadric Music Dump! What a fortunate turn of events… As the last living Horadrim, I alone have knowledge of its meaning. Now, to listen to the Horadric tunes it bears.

Points 127
Comments 7
Views 2631

I would swipe right. I would swipe right so hard.

Points 22
Comments 3
Views 584

It's my Cake Day! Metal Cake Day that is. Enjoy!

Points 65
Comments 21
Views 1318

FYMD

Points 36
Comments 6
Views 331

FYMD

Points 25
Comments 3
Views 352

But eggs are soooo expensive!

Points 22
Comments 10
Views 445

Nothing like a Western on a Sunday afternoon.

Points 190
Comments 42
Views 15683

Happy-Time Dump for Trying Times- Scroll awhile and smile...

Points 42
Comments 2
Views 1136

THE (mostly) METAL MUSIC DUMP

Points 754
Comments 122
Views 39819

FYMD

Points 192
Comments 28
Views 3948

THEY'RE EATING THE FROGS- THEY'RE EATING THE BATS... HALLOWEEN IS UNDER ATTACK

Points 7
Comments 4
Views 408

MASSIVE SPOILER- Deadpool & Wolverine- Don't look if you don't wanna know

Points 33
Comments 1
Views 643

Keep it together Heidi, KEEP IT TOGETHER

Points 987
Comments 101
Views 41733

You must be this tall ↑ to ride this dump....

Points 814
Comments 80
Views 45312

Sound-on Good Time Video Dumpo- C'mon Feel the Noise

Points 67
Comments 2
Views 1817

I moved on Trump like a bitch. You know, I’m automatically attracted to voting — I just start voting. It’s like a magnet. Just vote. I don’t even wait. And when you’re registered, they let you do it.

Points 1387
Comments 63
Views 28201

GUILTY YOUR HONOR- SO SAY WE ALL

Points 26
Comments 1
Views 186

Spider battle upgrade...

Points 52
Comments 8
Views 1673

Check out my Klimt...

Points 459
Comments 37
Views 29255

MASSIVE Dumperino- Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wifi - Video love from my router to yours.

Points 75
Comments 8
Views 1650

Clint Eastwood Movie Trivia: The More You Know

Points 20
Comments 3
Views 1240

Richard Lewis, Comedian and ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ Star, Dies at 76

Points 24
Comments 5
Views 561

The Amazing Dolly Parton (Banana for scale)

Points 14
Comments 2
Views 704

He's DOWN, he's DOWN, he's EATING MY DOG IN OHIO

Points 14
Comments 6
Views 395

Happy Valentine's Day! Need a quick card? I got you covered fam.

Points 440
Comments 27
Views 59018

Incredible playthrough of CRYPTA's "Poisonous Apathy" by Jéssica di Falchi. (Banana for scale)

Points 9
Comments 1
Views 530

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.

Points 2186
Comments 139
Views 90636

OMG- if you want a real treat- watch this GEM- Trump spars with reporters at Black journalists' conference over Kamala Harris' ethnicity, immigration and jobs

Points 45
Comments 9
Views 722

SUPER-MEGA VIDEO DUMP 6- Hide yo kids, hide yo Wifi... absolutely guaranteed to have something you've NEVER seen before!

Points 1069
Comments 88
Views 49776

May the 4th be with you! And also with you!

Points 18
Comments 0
Views 790

BABY, THIS DUMP IS CLEANR' THAN SKEETER'S PETER

Points 701
Comments 75
Views 42817

Ride with me, for my pleasure

Points 1249
Comments 108
Views 65239

Show & Tell: My Toy Collection! Hey, you gotta have a hobby.

Points 1069
Comments 167
Views 69331

Organically inactive meat or vegetable matter between two starched plains

Points 875
Comments 55
Views 59429

Vote. Vote as if your life depended on it. Tell your friends. Get them registered. VOTE!!!

Points 456
Comments 57
Views 36050

Midnight Special Dump HD: Travel with me now through Space, Time, and Sound...

Points 607
Comments 84
Views 39842

SUPER-MEGA VIDEO DUMP 8- Hide yo kids, hide yo Wifi... Ladies and Gentlemen, It's The Eric André Show Edition!

Points 25
Comments 10
Views 1698

Klaus Nomi: An elusive genius gone 40 years

Points 1325
Comments 115
Views 106259

SUPER-MEGA VIDEO DUMP 7- Hide yo kids, hide yo Wifi... absolutely guaranteed to have something you've NEVER seen before!

Points 93
Comments 14
Views 2448

Ahh... The lost Horadric Dump! What a fortunate turn of events... stay awhile and listen!

Points 1849
Comments 169
Views 98994

Fantastic Planet (1973)

Points 22
Comments 2
Views 682

New and Totally Original Cartoon I created. I think I may have a future in the animation biz.

Points 27
Comments 4
Views 1249

The Sardaukar: come for the training, stay for the throat chanting. A visually luscious movie, in the tradition of David Lean films.

Points 815
Comments 246
Views 100066
Next page