svardfiska
20216
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Jul 23, 2026 2:18 AM
svardfiska
20216
571
8
CaptSchmidtGaming
tell me you were smoking pot with out telling me you were smoking pot
IgnobleTortoise
I was helping my cousin move a table in their house. I had the front and was walking backwards but when we got to the stairs I had maneuvered so he was going backwards up the stairs. As he struggled with that awkward position I said “it looks like the tables have turned.” He almost dropped the table on me. And I wouldn’t have blamed him.
MoxieMonster
April 2019, was driving back from the tulip festival with my wife's family and I tried to make a dumb joke and it didn't work. Got a, "sorry not funny" from sister-in-law. I quickly replied, "yeah I knew it as soon as it passed my two lips". Definitely my punniest.
DameDePiques
I read "to my dead cat" and was a bit taken aback at the point of the story where the supposedly deceased feline hops off the bed.
tinydog
I still chuckle at a joke I dropped in the bathroom of my military basic training barracks. From the stall next to me I heard, "Who that?" I replied, "What, you don't recognize me by my shoes?"
Phreddlicious
Our GM had the last name Wight, and he was having problems pronouncing Southeast Asian names. Everyone was giving him grief about it. I chimed in with: "It's not his fault he can't pronounce Chinese names. You know two Wongs don't make a Wight."
We had to take a 10 minute break because everyone was laughing too hard to continue.
HiddenSanity
Game Master, General Manager, or Generic Male?
snarkybitch
I wasnt alone but the funniest thing I've ever said was at work. A lady loking for her wallet in her purse, pulls a small Goofy figurine out and says idk why thats in there.
Me deadpan. Yeah that a little Goofy. She laughed so hard
boxak
“Blessed is the man who can laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be amused.”
Bossco20
Homer upon seeing his dog following George H Bush: I guess you could say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's brain: There it is homer, the smartest thing you ever said and nobody was around to here it.
Sechran
CaptSchmidtGaming
fucking meme lording over here
Sechran
"Do I really have a sense of humor, or do I just default to quoting classic Simpsons?"
*Existential crisis.*
DoctorSniffles
I once asked my mom what she was cooking with for a recipe to which she responded Ghee. My father, named Guy which is pronounced 'Gee', hearing his name in the other room says "what is it, dear?" To which I responded, "nothing. Mom was just clarifying something." The slow stare from my mother was so worth it.
Robbann
i don't think i get it
snarkybitch
Ghee is clarified butter
DoctorSniffles
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1OWllNTRjZDFqc214ajNya2U4amlxOWdtYjhicWZqM3FnOWw4bHltdSZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/lrGHkAXGX0TRu/200w.webp
PileOfWalthers
So this girl from upstate New York visited me in Texas, and when I drove her back to the airport we saw a dead armadillo and I suggested she should bring it back home as a souvenir. She asked if she’d have to check it in, and I said nah, it’s carrion.
keyserv
One time I was at this vendor called Nelson Wire Rope(think lifting and rigging equipment for machinery and what not). They had a new guy on the fork lift that didn't look very comfortable. I looked at the guy helping me and asked, "teaching him the ropes?" Nobody laughed.
tinydog
PineappleLoopsBroether
eetsumkaus
you set her up for that one
KinkyTheWarrior
rhalm
My wayward son
B4r4B4d4B45tu
Teaching at work the phrase 'significant other'. Student asks if his mother can be a significant other... 1/2
B4r4B4d4B45tu
And my answer was "No... Unless your name is Oedipus!". My student and I laughed nonstop for a good five minutes. 2/2
zanaria
A funny moment I had was when a woman called in to upgrade her phone cause hers had water damage. Her upgrade was used by another line on her account, so while I was checking their line to see if it was eligible for her to use it, she explained she dropped her phone in a bowl of milk. I replied with "I usually just put strawberries on my cereal."
DewiMorgan
This would be extra funny if it was a Blackberry. Or Apple!
zanaria
I don't recall what kind of phone it was, but it was back when iPhones were first coming out.
Swedsman
Working at a callcenter for PayPals customer support some crazy lady called in to warn us that our company was under the attack from the demon prince Belial because one of her transaction to some bogus US medium had been delayed (she had made the wrong kind of payment and it go stuck under review)
I told her in my most serious chipper customer support voice "Don't worry ma'am, we take our internal security most seriously and our systems are protected from all sources of outside influence."
Swedsman
To which she responded she was gonna call the Army and the Royal Court next to prepare society for an assault of the "Dark Forces". I like to imagine what those calls sounded like...
ArchaeoEejit
During an excavation at uni, our lecturer Jan worked through lunch to get a photo. A dog showed up, pissed down the section Jan had to photo then went over and ate his lunch. I said "I thought dogs are supposed to be Jan's best friend." He didn't laugh.
NotasbigasmediumsizedJock
I was serving dinner which was a meat in cream sauce and pasta. I asked my friend if he wanted the sauce on top of beside the pasta. He says he wanted it doggy style. So I went onto the balcony, put the plate on the ground and said "here boy! Dinner time!"
ImAWeirdMom
My funniest one was my son was talking about a bird that he could hear but I couldn't hear it because it was around the corner of the house.
He asked why that was and I said well you know how if a crow were to caw it would bounce off of the nearby houses and I would still hear it right?
My son goes well yeah.
I said yeah well you can't do that with a dove because acoustics.
crazyspelling
Took me like 4 tries, but I got there in the end.
Arrrrgggggghhhh
78927x4No1
A coo ( bird sound ) sticks.
ivybridge114
Omg, that took a bit, but damn! I love it!
snarkybitch
Good one lol
meganical
I’ve done that plenty of times. It was nice though when I was growing up if my joke was funny enough, my dad would laugh, even if he wasn’t supposed to because the joke mocked my brother or mom. Weirdly enough, I’m pretty sure my best material was during my high school graduation and my grandma’s funeral. The people beside me at those wouldn’t stop laughing.
WhatTheFrench
I was reheating leftovers for dinner. We had some fried fish and pizza. I really wanted both, but there was only one serving of each, so I would need my husband to agree to split both for it to work. I decided to use a portmanteau (like breakfast and lunch = brunch) to get my idea across, and asked my husband if he wanted pish or feetza for dinner. Then I scream laughed for five minutes at my own joke.
Draygen
Early 2000s, friends and I watched Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back on repeat.
Me and two guy friends at the mall. One says something, can't even remember what it was, but the other says "Gay, straight? There's no lines." (George Carlin quote.) The other standing next to me points to a literal line on the floor of the store and says, "There's a line, and on this side, we ain't gay." (Jay's rebuttal). First guy says, "yeah? On this side... There's an exit," and walks the fuck out of the store...
bemibet
My daughter was telling me about other "Gospels" that weren't recongnized by the Church (The Gospel of Thomas, etc.) She said there was even a Gospel of Judas, which ended abruptly. I immediately asked, "So he leaves you hanging?"
architectidonna
My boyfriend and I were walking across campus. A woman walking towards us was wearing a t-shirt showing just how cold it was. As she passed by my boyfriend tripped. He whipped his head around exclaiming “what was that?” I replied “your tongue”
SwissScars
At a divorce meeting with wife and respective lawyers. Her lawyer was getting a little red-faced and loud - I turned to her and said "Muzzle your hound". The ensuing silence was deafening! later my lawyer expressed her admiration. Funniest thing I've ever said.
Neednoggle
Mine was an off the cuff joke made over super with my family at the age of about fourteen. I peaked way too early.
TI99Kitty
So did I. When I was in high school, one kid in class was scratching his ass, maybe a little too vigorously. The teacher looked at him and asked "What you diggin' around in your butt for?"
Without even thinking, I said, "Maybe he's looking for gold." The teacher looked shocked for a second, and started laughing. So did the butt-scratcher. Never, ever had such a quick comeback, before or since.
Neednoggle
Sorry, *supper, thanks phone
LogicalLimes
hahah I love this and I totally agree! When somebody is like “yeah that joke wasn’t that funny” I’m always like meh. I really just make the jokes to make myself laugh and brighten up my own day. haha