OMGamIImguringCorrectly

391619 pts · May 22, 2014


Born in a small cave on the moon, I was raised by a pack of highly intelligent squirrels who taught me everything I know. By the time I was five, I had already mastered quantum physics and could communicate fluently in Morse code (via interpretive dance). I spent my early years traveling the world in search of the world's most elusive snack foods—because, let's face it, life’s too short for bad chips. At age 12, I invented an invisibility cloak, but unfortunately, I misplaced it and haven’t been able to find it since. Rumor has it, I left it in the Bermuda Triangle during one of my many underwater basket-weaving competitions. I would have won that year if it weren’t for an overly competitive octopus. But that’s a story for another day. I like stuff and things. And by things, I mean mostly interdimensional time-travel devices and toasters. You’d be surprised how often those two overlap. I once accidentally turned my toaster into a teleporter and ended up in the Cretaceous period, where I briefly worked as a consultant for the dinosaurs. My advice? “Less meteor, more sunscreen.” They didn’t listen. My professional career has been equally chaotic. After being crowned Emperor of a small island made entirely of cheese (don’t ask), I decided to pursue a career in professional skywriting. Fun fact: it’s really hard to spell “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” while doing barrel rolls in a biplane. I eventually transitioned into extreme origami, where I once folded a piece of paper into a life-size replica of a giraffe. In my free time, I train pigeons to deliver cryptic messages to world leaders, just for fun. I also dabble in competitive thumb wrestling, and I once won a tournament against a robot designed specifically for thumb wrestling domination. It was a close match, but my thumb’s agility and impeccable form prevailed. Now, when I'm not busy saving the world (or at least mildly inconveniencing it), I enjoy lounging on a floating island made of marshmallows and plotting my next big adventure. Maybe I’ll finally crack the code to reverse gravity, or perhaps I’ll open a bakery that only serves pancakes shaped like famous historical figures. One thing’s for sure: life is never boring when you’re me.

Well, we're at the bank, now what? I hear there's treats at the drive through?

Points 19
Comments 1
Views 1514

Happy Dog Day

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Comments 8
Views 493

New skins for my super slow bike.

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Comments 3
Views 529

Kansas City fans at half time;

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Views 288

I have never appreciated this quote more than I do right now. 

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WWF House Show. Tampa, Florida. Circa 1991 Color and Crop corrected

Points 112
Comments 25
Views 4659

Taking "eat shit" to a new level...

Points 1663
Comments 265
Views 109310

Oh I like this. Here's a sea slug I took pictures of myself.

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Views 924

This morning at Area 51

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Views 466

Dude...

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Comments 1
Views 938

Every time I see someone here post a Trump rally or a bunch of anti-vaxxers.

Points 53
Comments 12
Views 24526

OMW to Bermuda for an early taste of spring weather. There's Cape Cod.

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Comments 0
Views 219

Sometimes, all you need is a beach and a warm rock.

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Views 292

Whirl, whirl, twist and twirl, jump all round like a flyin' squirrel. 

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Views 283

Enjoy some deep woods New Hampshire autumn.

Points 22
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Views 801

Did you know you swallow at least 8 of these spiders in your sleep every year?

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Views 535

Joe Bonamassa just posted this photo

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Views 333

When I see people posting about how hot it is on the west coast right now.

Points 1734
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High quality low-quality swill.

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Views 507

Remembering the Connecticut Snowstorm of October 30th 2011

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Happy New Year!

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I love this album! 

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Views 1256

Love the way these thumbnails line up.

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Comments 1
Views 429

Some bird had a really bad time.

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Views 406

MRW I find out there's a whole shit ton of Gorton's fisherman reaction images

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Comments 10
Views 3136

BAMBOOZLED AGAIN!!

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The gates of hell hath opened.

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When getting to the gym is more important than anyone on the road or your own safety.

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Views 647

Can I have extra bacon please?

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Views 1524

First it was Tide Pods, now "snorting coke", now warning labels on propane tanks to keep kids from doing this too.

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Comments 4
Views 498

It's TLAPD, and I'm MURRAY! The mighty demonic skeleton!!!

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Views 36957

That moment when, from this distance, the dried up chicken in the fryer looks like you're actually selling a mini version of you ready for a space launch.

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Views 295

Cat greets your Sunday night/Monday morning. Please provide coffee.

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WHOOOOOOA CAMEL! WHOAAAA! WHOOOOAAA! OH COME ON CAMEL, PLEASE WHOA?

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Comments 11
Views 1290

I'll play too. My 10th favorited thing. The almighty ketchup bomb!

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Comments 15
Views 825

Great Scott!!

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Views 1473

And I'll Form.... the Head!

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MRW my SO is nagging me about the thing I said I'd do, but instead I played video games and still am.

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Views 437

Saw these today. Thought they were funny.

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Views 885

With the recent snowstorm, how I picture every freaking person that doesn't clear off their car before driving.

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Views 704

Coldest water ever!!

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Views 856

Annnnd wheeeeeee!

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Americans Caught While Watching the US Presidential Debates

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Views 792

You will upvote Pustulio!

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Comments 4
Views 325

How many times do I have to tell you?!

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Notilucent cloud over north shore Kauai.

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People will just eat whatever the fuck Drew Carey gives them.

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Went camping this weekend. They didn't really want me there though. 

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Views 76602

Give me some fin. Dude. Duuuuuude.

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Views 517

Can Tim Curry be one upped?

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Views 340

Bill O'Reilly grows his hair out for the Golden Globes.

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Views 945

MRW I take the full bowl of Jell-o out of the fridge.

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Views 2882

CALL 911!!!! DONG!

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Views 2270

Weight stack is super enthused that you came in to lift today, bro!

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Comments 2
Views 353

It's cake day. Here's a fucking cake.

Points 51
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Views 2006

When there's a single mosquito buzzing around and I think I'm fast enough to kill it.

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Comments 1
Views 2639
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