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Apr 20, 2022 2:35 AM
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buttery1
I saw this a long time ago and I'm happy to see it reposted! It's a very helpful framework for understanding communication styles.
lemonbasil
I have found consistently that if you ask for what you need people will generally try to give it to you.
Fuckweasel
"No" is a complete sentence.
sparrkkii
Use Your Words!!!!
cwhammer2
This kinda feels like the "you're welcome" vs "no problem" post. Askers seem entitled. Guessers don't want to be a burden.
Benki6wbh
The big problem is the resentment after a no, guessed or asked
NathanielH
I've had a unit in communication at university, somehow this has not come up, this is brilliant, honestly
otterkrylon
Human communication isn't limited to a binary dynamic. But! This is a totally useful thing to practice awareness of!
caniteona
I come from Ask, hell there's even a saying in my country that is Asking doesn't offend.
ImHereToGetDownvotes
The way they describe "ask" people here makes them essentially sound like people incapable of realizing anything without a direct yes / no.
OverwhelmingSurplusOfDiggity
Cool! Seems very similar to “high context” and “low context”. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures
Metacognitivemystery
It's exactly the same; this is just a bit too intellectual for Tumblr...
Helixninja333
I can already see the answer to the question, "Why aren't there more ask people?" Because you can reveal a TON when you ask for things./1
azgrak
Then there are the ask people who when they here no keep asking until you relent and say yes. Users and bullies!
juantoo3fore
Essentially guessers raise guessers. I'm currently trying to unlearn being a guesser.
joinha
so I suppose you are a "guess person", right?
nangke
A lot of ppl get forced into becoming guessers when met with too much disappointment or just laughed when asking for something basic
andrew823543
This. It took me 8 years of therapy to understand that I am a guess person because that is how I took care of my parents as a child.
Helixninja333
/2 Some people are more private, or don't want to seem vulnerable, and asking for things usually says a lack or desire for something.
Noughmad
Well, yes, but the whole "seeming vulnerable" for being told no is part of the Guess Culture. It's not hard to Ask, just hard to switch.
jtw76e
Yes. It’s a fear that originated somewhere in their life.
Helixninja333
/3 And there's plenty of things cultures shame people for lacking or desiring. So you're almost forced to guess and assume as a defense.
Kasemoch
.
Darkspire
Also for straight up abusive households. I suspect a lot of guessers are made that way.
nemesisx00
I would expect this is why there are guessers at all. No one is born a guesser.
wiehawk10
I don't think I've ever read something that changed my world perspective as comfortably as this did. This needs to be seen by everyone.
bowelrog
Saw this a few years ago and it changed my life. I have also seen it described as implicit vs explicit communication styles
afsdpckapjadfkasef
I'm ask all the way, I want this, this is why, this is what I'll do if you give it, and sometimes the answer was no, then you change your as
NotLuckyDucky
I saw this a few years ago and implementing the ability to say no whenever I ask for something has helped tremendously in my friendships
johneventually1
I started doing this with my oldest son. He was afraid to say no to things and I give him a choice to do it without repercussions.
sam1tahsin
Right? I would appreciate more of these unspoken societal expectations, especially coming to US from a different culture
Jamesstin
I really don't think it is. there are obviously rude questions and that's about that.
idonthaveanyideawhatthehelliamtalkingabout
yeah, that doesn't mean all questions are rude or all no answers are rude.
Jak8714
Obviously, but has anyone actually laid out the line so far? Because I know my boundaries really don't line up with anyone elses.
blumpk1npie
Tl;Dr?
Teqta
'Ask people' give direct questions for direct responses, 'guess people' put out feelers to indirectly guess answers.
SideEffectsOfJuice
Not easy to TL;DR, I recommend reading the first five pictures (as the rest is mostly anecdotes related to the thing)
blumpk1npie
No
BingleBongle42
PastureofMuppets
I accept this response
SideEffectsOfJuice
I could have guessed that
SedatedSl0th
FO;DC
kelmar6821
I'm keeping that
GravyEducation
I'm probably more guess but when I'm asking favors I can see the gears of "I'd prefer not to" turning and then just say "you can say no." 1/
GravyEducation
Then they say no. Emotional intelligence will get you far in reading what people actually want vs sense of obligation
LordNoKids
You could always use the final solution
starkstout07
Yeah, I explained this to my wife and it made us both go "oooohhh" about a lot of things with both our families.
totolapse
TLDR it all. There are people who presume, so it isn't just ask. They make bad guests. They will presume they can extend, etc., etc.
midlifecrisisapproaching
Wow. Now I know I grew up a a Guesser and am trying to be an Asker. Always tell people not to feel bad for saying no to my requests as such.
Eridianne
Lol from a Greek family, if you state an even sorta maybe concern or need and aren't flooded with dramatic offers of help, that's a naww bro
atatica
Thanks for raising the real issue: it’s how people see hospitality in the world. The rest of us don’t even have « ask »/« guess » issues.
downwithJesus
There's definitely a culture aspect. But harder to parse cultural complexities in some places where many are first/second/third generation
downwithJesus
in a place where it's a big mixing pot/adopted/melded and don't stay as cultural hospitality
Feralkyn
UK is a lot of "guess" and continental europe is a lot of "ask," in my experience. Former sees the latter as rude, latter sees the former as
Feralkyn
dishonest
DoctorCoktopus
3. 'Get' culture. They often sense when something would make someone uncomfortable, but ask anyway because "hey if it works I Get something"
GeForcen
That is just ask culture again.
DoctorCoktopus
I would consider Get as willfully malicious for selfish reasons. For Ask it's an 'okay' thing to do, for Get it's not but they do it anyway.
sleepinggreenidea
Given the framework, it's not surprising that most guessers cited in the post are women - our society tends to socialize women not to say no
nangke
That and being "low maintenance" is more desirable than speaking up and asserting their needs
jimfalconer611
Or literally anyone from the Midwest
InDubiousBattle
I am a woman from the Midwest. Double whammy.
4vie
Well that's a big Ope right there.
InDubiousBattle
Doncha know!
Vladraconis
Sounds to me like Guess Culture causes way more problems than it solves [ it solves nothing ]. Also, I feel this deeply as at one point I 1/
Vladraconis
was also a Guess person. That turned out badly. Life is way better and simpler now that I ask. I was afraid not of asking, but of being 2/
Vladraconis
refused directly. Guess culture is a culture of fear.
Feralkyn
This is why New Yorkers and some Europeans are seen as "rude" by a lot of ppl in the US South or UK, and why those people see New Yorkers
Feralkyn
and (continental) Europeans in turn as rude. One culture is to be direct and honest, the other is overly polite and "dishonest" in being so.
NikklasViktorMcKnight12
ex gf is an asker and made me so uncomfortable. would ask my friends "can i have that?" clothes, food, etc.
yvonnalynn
When it is not impositioning. Can I bring you some dinner tonight? A guesser would be able to handle that easily because it is not taking
NikklasViktorMcKnight12
This is such a brilliant suggestion. As a guesser, I would feel so much more comfortable saying yes AND no to this.
yvonnalynn
Right! I can see the healthiness of being a direct asker. I find though, that askers tend to selfishly ask for things they don’t deserve. 1/
yvonnalynn
I think the healthiest is to be honest &direct but also to read the dang room. I mean, “go get your own xyz”. Guessers don’t tend to mind 2
PastureofMuppets
I think something thats missing is Guessers will ask for something if a circumstance is unusually dire or rare. So they only expect others 1
Misora
In my experience guessers will flat out ask if there is a good assumption the answer is yes. So they assume askers are also assuming that.
Misora
Ex: I'll ask for a glass of water when visiting a friends. My bf will ask the host to make a different meal or extra dish for him. He says
Misora
you don't know till you ask. I was raised that's a huge imposition and it comes across as majorly presumptive. But I assume I can get water.
PastureofMuppets
to also ask only if their situation is dire or rare. It makes it harder to say no, because it seems like the situation is more serious.
Darkspire
That's a good point
Beleg7
As a guess person who recognizes the superiority of ask, let me just say choosing which you are isn’t necessarily an option.
OlaphOfTheNorth
That's the thing that's missing from this post: guess culture started as a trauma response. There is or once was someone somewhere
OlaphOfTheNorth
in every guess family it's unwise to upset, whose emotional state is being carefully managed and monitored by others via this technique
Hurtsdo
See: adult children of substance abusers
Beleg7
Like obviously I can behave like an ask person. But after years of practice, the comfort level hasn’t changed much.
HandsomePenguin
Yup, it's therapy that has helped me push down my guess upbringing. I can be an ask person most of the time, but yeah it's still stressful.
oakleaves
The trick is to not just passively “behave like an ask person”. As with a phobia to really overcome its best to actively engage daily.
oakleaves
Like set yourself a goal of asking 10x a day for things. Seek things your uncomfortable asking about even if you don’t really need to ask.
KRicci
Ya. When I ask for something, I find I'm still bracing myself for the seemingly inevitable fury of putting someone on the spot
magneticmagic3
I feel like this is a great summary of passive vs direct communication divorced from the negative connotations associated with those words.
slendfung
“Guess” seems pretty pejorative.
Feralkyn
Because it's seen that way by a ton of people who are emotionally mature enough to be direct yet polite. They see it as beating around the
Feralkyn
bush and being dishonest.
Arcygenical
Hmm, I've never met an "ask" person who was also an "accept no" person. There's always a comment.
wadeMFNwilson
Its just a matter of asking the question with the expectation of a no. Then you dont have countering emotions when you get it.
ChewyTheWookie
Sorry you've missed out on that common pleasure. No often causes a graceless moment that can usually be worked thru just fine.
jattie
While everyone can answer "no", there are also consequences in context that have to be considered. Kid doesn't get to say no to cleaning..
jattie
Boss can say no to a raise but then you look for work elsewhere. Car salesman can say no to a discount but then loses the sale. Sometimes..
jattie
pushing back on a "no" is your way of giving them a chance to reconsider the outcome they're choosing.
BootsMadeForWalking
Sometimes the guesser gives excuses that have simple solutions. The asker feels like offering solutions helps solves the problem.
flapperfemmefatale
This. If I don't want to do something, I just say that. I don't make excuses.
ChewyTheWookie
My friend lies about why they say no and others who try to help deal with the alleged barriers get resented as "manipulative and rude"
alltinyshrimps1
I've watched my mother and sister do this act all my life. So much interpersonal frustration is incorrectly attributing others' intentions
CheesecakePi
Depends on circumstance and your relationship (at least for me). Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
primaveraish
I feel like I'm an Ask person and not an "accept no" person because I have a need to please and if someone says no, I want to make sure 1/
primaveraish
I didn't cross lines or insult by asking, so I ask for clarification and possibly how to avoid asking that again.
lemonbasil
That sounds exhausting
primaveraish
It's that or mentally beat myself in the head for weeks for possibly making someone uncomfortable. There is no win situation here really.
SirRichardOfHead
For everyone involved
NickRivieraMD
I am one. Also I'm pretty good at reading nuanced novels. It was an explicit choice to be an ask person because of the reason tangerine>
NickRivieraMD
gives. I think a lot of families are guess, within themselves, but when I came out into the world, I found everyone's standards and>
NickRivieraMD
expectations were different from my nuclear family's. I also get very frustrated with guess people for this reason, y'all can't expect>
NickRivieraMD
me to know your inner rules. Sorry for the long text. This post just really hit me (like a lot of people).
NickRivieraMD
That said, I do try to roll the impact on others into deciding what I want, so it'd be pretty rare for me to ask to stay with someone.
transfrCASE
Lots of successful salesmen are like this. Not necessarily good salesmen.. but successful because they have no issue asking for the sale
Cyrilion
Im an ask person within a guess family, if someones says no i respond "shit, oh well, i'll figure it out" and then do so.
wiehawk10
The "accept no" crowd is small and only consists of emotionally mature, or experienced people. The "ask group" has many tents. IMO
NotLuckyDucky
Im not sure if Im emotionally mature or experienced but giving the option for no and accepting no has helped me have healthier relationships
AnnieGitchYerGun
When I get a no I do sometimes get frustrated or irritated. I'm human. Buuut - I try really hard to keep it to myself and not make the no
AnnieGitchYerGun
person feel bad. No means no. If I think they didn't fully understand the ask or why I asked I'll ask if I can explain or clarify a point.
AnnieGitchYerGun
If it's still no, fine okay alright. I don't keep picking or asking. My 9 yr old, though?! I'm still working on the "stop haranguing me" for
AnnieGitchYerGun
fucks sakes. She will ask over and over until the cows moo home. Sooo, I started applying painful consequences like no game time. It's
ScrippyChan
And the number of emotionally mature people out there is essentially naught.
DiamondDogLedTasso
I ask for stuff all the time with the expectation of a highly likely "no", especially in the customer service space, but being polite &
DiamondDogLedTasso
Asking for freebies has gotten me more than my fair share & when it's a "no" I move on, but it tends to skew closer to 80/20 in favor of YES
Arcygenical
That's fine in a business relationship as they rarely encroach on the individual saying "yes"
yoyo42
How many of those times did they want to say no but felt like they couldn't? To a guesser an asker can seem like a bully.
Jamesstin
that sounds like a personal problem. it's honestly absurd to believe others shouldn't ask questions cause you're a pussy. that's it.
DiamondDogLedTasso
No clue but in customer service (which I work in) there is usually a lot of latitude given to things you can or can't do, usually depends
Yizelin
I assume you mean some snide comment, but sometimes follow up comments are to the betterment of the asker so they can understand and adjust
Yizelin
But again, a LOT of the time it's not that kind of comment D:
Arcygenical
It's usually an attempt to get you to change your mind. Like nah, I picked my words specifically because I meant them.
SideEffectsOfJuice
To be fair, a lot of people can be convinced, especially if you elaborate on why. If I simply asked for a ride, and my dad said no, I might>
SideEffectsOfJuice
> elaborate that I have whatever important business to do and it would be much easier if he does it. Just to give an example.
RecurringNightmare
yeah thats the same as those personality tests that differentiate 'rational = gives a shit about feelings' vs 'empathic = cares a lot about>
RecurringNightmare
> feelings', while totally ignoring that most people whine about their own hurt feeling all the time and give fuck all about other peoples >
RecurringNightmare
>feelings...the world is full of toxic abusive manipulative assholes...so yeah, asking blatantly rude favours and then trying to guilt-trip>
RecurringNightmare
>you to give in or at least weaken your defenses for the next shit they want is absolutely a thing...<<<
LonelyVoid
Well, if your version of no is a random excuse and the other person doesn't know how to interpret this, then they're probably gonna try 1/?
Arcygenical
"Nah I've gotta get to the gym" "Don't worry man, it's on the way, 10m tops" that kinda shit. Fuck off.
LonelyVoid
To offer solutions, which might be interpreted by you as a snide comment. 2/2
JesaraB
I am a guess person, but not because of an actual guess culture, but rather that asking for anything that resulted in a no from my mother,
oakleaves
That is “because of an actual guess culture”. Shrug
JesaraB
Also resulted in abuse for having dared to ask in the first place.
DarkfireDragon
NotTinyPancakes
This is how my dad was you asked for anything and he'd get so angry and violent it was easier to keep out of his sight once you>
NotTinyPancakes
taken his shoes and socks off and got his beer he didn't want to know you existed until he needed you for something else
stevanot
Mhm, this hits home...I was 15 years back then, I was supposed to go to vacation with some friends.My mom tells me to ask my dad for some /1
stevanot
money, like "He will give cash to you, you just need to ask him". I did and I got a 3 hour lecture on how times are hard, how we have no /2
stevanot
money, how I am essentially an ungrateful little shit who doesn't appreciate other peoples work, how easy is to spend other people's money/3
stevanot
and stuff like that. I got no cash out of it. So, you learn not to ask for stuff if you can get them from somewhere else.
ActuallyAPirate
This is similar to my "givers and takers" theorem. Some people take as much as they can eg: i have this small trinket that is useless to me-
ActuallyAPirate
Im willing to part with it for money. Where a giver, knowing that they don't need the item, would freely give it away.
50m31AW
There's also those of who feel bad for the trinket/guilty if they part with it, so money can be the thing that finally motivates getting 1/
50m31AW
rid of the useless thing taking up space. And/or bc capitalism is an oppressive thing, it feels horrible to pass up the opportunity to 2/
50m31AW
to get money out of it, bc that extra money, even if it's just a little bit, could help out & improve your situation. Like $10 you didn't 3/
50m31AW
have earlier can make a bad day better if it means you can grab some tasty treat or some other tiny bit of self care outside the 4/
DysgraphicProgrammer
Oh, I'm a giver on that axis. I don't want to figure out what it's worth an negotiate. I just want it to go some where useful.
Copperbrat
I'm with you on this. Takers fall into the same category as askers, imo. I also find it less than coincidental that takers/askers don't >
Copperbrat
typically approach other takers/askers when they want something. Because they know there will be a price or expectation of reciprocation.
KazabWebShaper
This is not nessecaraly true.
tanebot
I think you're looking at a different axis altogether here. Your 'takers' who deliberately look for a 'giver' to ask so they don't have /
tanebot
to reciprocate are what I'd call 'users'.
LonelyVoid
I'm an asker because I just like being straightforward and I'd rather give something away than go through the trouble of trying to sell 1/2
LonelyVoid
It. I'd also rather approach other askers because it leads to fewer misunderstandings. I know a lot of people who are like this. 2/2