KeyMasher
232507 pts · January 5, 2015
[ Baby Fussing ]
[ Snapping ]
[ Knocking ]
[ Rustling ]
[ Woman Screaming ]
[ Cooing ]
Ahh.
Master Pain,
what do we do?
Open the mouth.
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Baby Giggles ]
[ Gasps ]
The Chosen One !
Huh? What?
Baby--
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Kill it !
[ Giggling ]
We will all be cursed !
[ Both Scream ]
Hmm. Hmm?
Mm? Hmm !
Mm, lighter, mm-hmm.
[ Crying ]
[ Baby Thuds ]
[ Coos ]
So cute.
[ Laughs ]
Bye-bye !
[ Man Whispers ]
He's in the movie.
So is she.
He is too.
[ Man Whispers ]
it's starting now.
[ Man Narrating ]
The child had become a man.
Rolling to the bottom
of a gully,
he was raised
by various rodents.
Having no true home,
he wandered the wilderness...
in search of the one
who stole his life.
So on he walked...
and sometimes drove.
And occasionally,
partied with
the desert creatures.
[ Creatures Chanting ]
Party ! Party ! Party !
Little did he know...
that before him lied
a mystical road...
of great warriors
and legends.
[ Lisping ]
Your days are over, mister.
[ Sniffiing ]
[ Attack Yell ]
[ Narrator ]
He lived under constant attack.
What they had not accomplished
when he was a child...
they sought to nowfiinish.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Through his adversity,
he learned to fiight...
- [ Gasps ]
- and fiight well.
The more he fought,
the more his powers grew.
[Whistles ]
- i mean, crap, man ! Look at that.
- Ohh--
- [ All Screaming ]
- That's, like, his stomach plug
on the ground back there.
[ Scoffs ]
You don't see that every day.
i mean, that doesn't really even
seem possible if you think about it,
with body organs and cartilage
and bones and--
i mean, i'm no doctor,
but it was like one clean chunk.
Uh-oh. Trouble.
[ Demonic Voice ]
Open your mouth !
[ Gasping ]
[ Roar ]
- [ Leader Roars ]
- [ All Yelling ]
Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi !
Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi ! Uuh !
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Barking ]
I need gopher-chuks.
[ Gophers Squealing ]
[ Roaring, Seething ]
Uh--
[ Sustained Yell ]
Uuh !
[ All ]
Our... sexual... preferences...
are... our... own...
business.
[ Both Chuckling ]
- Yeah.
- Oh, you.
[ All ]
Alfalfa.
- [ Bell Rings ]
- Hey, oh. Huh?
He"s an outsider.
Have you ever seen him before?
Mm-mm.
Well, twice.
Hey, who"s he?
I don"t know.
...and that day, I vowed
to fiind the man who killed my family.
Can you help me?
And why have you
come to me?
You are Master Tang.
Your skills are greatly known.
I"ve traveled many years
and miles to fiind you.
How many miles?
Would you say ten million?
Eh--
No, I don"t think ten million.
Look, I need your help.
I live under constant attack.
Hmm. Your story
makes my heart heavy...
and my prostate weak.
My bladder is full
to bursting.
I feel for you
and your grave loss.
However, it will be impossible
for us to help you.
Master, I implore you
to reconsider.
Hmm. Okay !
The man you seek,
his name is Master Pain.
He has great powers and is
well protected by the Evil Council.
[ Gagging, Coughing ]
But now I am in a quandary.
F}or if your story is true,
then you would--
Huh?
[ Gagging ]
[ Clears Throat ]
What are the odds of that?
[ Swallows ]
You would be
the Chosen One.
- [ Squeak-toy Sound ]
- Master !
Ah, again with
the squeaky shoes.
Master, I was hoping one day
I could be the Chosen One.
- Be quiet !
- Master !
I don"t like him very much.
Let"s kill him.
- Sit down !
- Eeyah !
- [ Squeaks ]
- [ Sighs ]
i must apologize for Wimp Lo.
He is an idiot.
We have purposely trained him wrong,
as a joke.
Hah ! [Tittering ]
If you"ve got an ass, I"ll kick it.
- Hmm.
- Legend tells us...
that the true Chosen One...
will bear the mark
of infiinite wisdom.
Yea, yea !
[ Barks ]
What in God"s name
is that thing?
He seems to be the reason
I"m pursued.
There are so many things
I"ve yet to understand.
- Does it have a name?
- Tonguey.
I should not have asked.
Still, this is
a glorious day,
for the Chosen One has come
to free us from the Evil Council.
I remember
a long time ago...
when a good friend of mine
told me...
there would be
a Chosen One.
There will be
a Chosen One.
Then he told me...
of the signifiicance.
It will be signifiicant.
And then he killed the dog.
- [ Grunting ]
- [ F} arting ]
- [ Dog Whines ]
- [ Thudding ]
I now offiicially know too much.
And why are you in bed?
Oh, you won"t even believe
what happened next.
- No, please !
- Very well, Chosen One.
i invite you
to train with us...
until you fiind the whereabouts
of Master Pain.
- I"ll do it !
- In your dreams !
- Ohh--
- [ Coughing ]
Yes, yes.
Yes, play me like a drum.
[ Groaning ]
[ Clearing Throat ]
By the way, my student Ling,
here, will assist you.
Be not concerned of her shyness,
for it will pass.
There you go.
I will stay...
eh, to train.
Thank you, Master Tang.
[ Coughing ]
Now, you two,
on with your training.
- Yes. Sure.
- As you know,
I am a man
of special needs.
You will now receive
the F}ist of F}ury.
[ Coughing ]
Prepare the long rubber glove.
- [ Rubber Stretching, Snapping ]
- Eeny, meeny,
miney, moe,
i wonder where
my glove will go.
- Open your mouth !
- Open it !
You ! Open !
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Hey, guys, what"s goin" on?
[ Groaning ]
Hey ! Ooh !
Master Pain, it is a great honor having
you beating random people in our town.
Especially that helpless man
you just hit. Welcome !
Hmm. My fiinger points.
Wimp Lo,
you must be careful.
Your confiidence is disproportional
to your abilities.
You think losing
is winning.
Heh?
Uh, uh-- Huh?
Hmm. The Chosen One
is here to help us.
- I like him a lot, and--
- Listen ! Shh.
I see the way you look at him.
I"m a man, too, you know.
- I go pee-pee standing up.
- Hmm. Mm.
- I will defeat him !
- Please, don"t.
I will...
- defeat him !
- [ Squeaking ]
- Whee !
- Whee !
[ Narrator ]
The Chosen One trained,
for part of him knew
what lied ahead.
Wow ! i'll have some
of whatever he's smokin'!
[ All ]
Huh !
Huh !
Huh !
The others soon
warmed up to him...
and his "friend. "
[ Tonguey ]
Mm ! Mm, mm !
Hmm.
Knock, Knock. Who"s there?
Your butt that"s
about to be kicked.
Take a close look,
"cause I rule, baby !
And who do you rule?
The Large, Dark Nipple People?
I rock... and roll...
all day long, sweet Susie !
[ Giggling ]
I challenge you !
[ Snorts ]
Leap that wall
if you"re so great.
Hmm !
- [ Squeaking ]
- Big deal. Up and over ! Oi !
- Hmm !
- Huh !
Now we"ll...
learn who"s the best.
Hmm !
- Huh? I-- Uh--
- [ Squeaking ]
Aha ! F} ace-to-foot style.
How"d you like it?
I"m sure on some planet
your style is quite impressive.
But your weak link is,
this is Earth.
- [ Exasperated Sigh ]
- Oh, yeah?
Try my nuts-to-your-fiist style !
Oh ! Uuh !
Who"s laughing now?
Please, stop ! Wimp Lo sucks
as a fiighter ! A child could beat him !
- [ Squeaking ]
- I"m gonna count to three, and if
I hear one more friggin" squeak,
- I"m gonna take his shoes
and shove "em up his--
- Chosen One !
- Master Pain"s in town !
- Did you hear that?
Master Pain? Are you sure?
Gotcha now ! Guy-ee !
- Ay, ay ! Why? Why?
- No ! Please !
I am bleeding,
making me the victor.
Master Pain"s meeting with the mayor.
Oh, this is bad.
[ Suppressed Scream ]
[ Men Chattering ]
Eh, Master Pain...
will perform his skill.
Please.
[ Shouts ]
Mm, hah !
- [ Applause ]
- Towel. Mm, thanks.
[ Clears Throat ]
Now, then, Master Pain
has heard rumor...
that the Chosen One
was spotted in town.
Do what he says,
or he"ll cut off your big toe.
On that you can trust me.
Let him hear it.
Oh, that"s tender.
That is tender.
[ Chuckles Weakly ]
Thank you.
I have been called "bad" before.
Many have said
I do things...
that are not correct to do.
I don"t believe in
such talk as this.
I am nice man with happy feelings
all of the time !
F}irst, a joke.
What do you get when you cross
an owl with a bungee cord?
- My ass. Nyah, ha ha ! Ha ha !
- [ All Laugh ]
- Enough !
- Hmph !
Gentlemen,
from this day forward...
you will all refer to me
by the name "Betty."
[ Laughing ]
But isn"t Betty
a woman"s name?
Easy, easy !
We don"t want to lose
any more toes here.
You"ll all have to excuse
Master Pain-- uh, Betty.
It"s :
and time for his nap.
Heh, Betty?
Hmm, sleepy time.
Come along.
Whoo ! Aah !
i must fiind if i, too,
possess this special skill.
Remember, do not stop
until I give you the signal,
or dramatically throw you to
the ground and request a towel.
[ Clears Throat ]
I"m ready.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Ooh, ow ! You can't--
Could you please--
Er, uh,
should we keep going?
He said to hit him until he gave
the signal to stop.
Did anyone hear
the signal ?
Well, he was whining
for a while.
- Do you think whining was the signal ?
- Rr-rr !
Hey, whoa, easy.
We should wait a second or so.
- [ Both Grunting ]
- Hey, guys.
Come on. Oh, well.
[ Grunting,
Groaning Resumes ]
- Hey, wait, wait.
- [ Back Cracking ]
He did say the part about
dramatically throwing us off his body.
[ All ]
Oh, that"s right. Yeah.
[ Lead Attacker ]
Okay.
Go ahead.
Throw us off !
He"s not gonna die, is he?
You think he wants
his towel ?
- Hey, uh--
- That"s pretty still.
Maybe it"s time we should--
We better get home, guys.
Nobody say anything
to Mom.
[ Groaning ]
Hmm?
Hmm.
Hah !
I am Whoa.
Okay.
It is not yet your time.
You must not stand against Master Pain.
- It"s "Betty" now.
- Oh. You must not stand against Betty.
if you fiight,
he will kill you.
You need special training.
You cannot defeat him now.
- I"m-I"m sorry?
- You cannot defeat him now.
I will defeat him.
If you can beat him, then you
should have no problem beating me.
Mm !
Ah ! Hmm, not bad.
- [ Giggling ]
- What"s wrong?
- The supreme gift.
- Hmm?
-You must trust the power of the tongue.
-Hmm?
- But I must warn you...
- Hmm?
in the meadow you will fiind
Betty"s great protector, Moon Yew.
Avoid the meadow.
We will meet again, Chosen One,
many more times...
in the sequel.
[ Screams ]
Ow !
[ Baby Cooing ]
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Well, at least
I have you, boy.
[ Barks ]
"Oh, Taco Bell
Taco Bell "
" Product placement
with Taco Bell "
- " Enchirito, macho burrito "
- [ All ] " Macho burrito "
Master Tang,
what are you doing here?
- I"ve come to kick ass.
- Oh !
I know you seek
the Chosen One.
And I know... [ Groans ]
what you did to his family.
Now-- Ooh ! Oi !
I"m going to beat you up ! [ Coughing ]
Do you need a glass of water
or something?
- [ Clearing Throat ]
-Jeez, at least cover your mouth !
- We"re all going to catch it !
- F}ight... [ Coughs ] or die !
Okay, I"ll shake your bouncy booty !
Hit it !
"Can't touch this "
- Hmm !
- "Can"t touch this "
- Hmm.
- "Can't touch this "
[ Singing Along ]
" My, my, my, my "
"Fresh new kicks and pants "
" You gotta like that
Now you know you wanna dance "
- "So move outta your seat "
- Move. Seat.
- "And get a fly girl and catch
this beat while it's rollin'"
- Beat. Rollin".
- "Hold on "
- What"s the time?
- "Hammer time ""
- [ Coughing ]
Please, Betty. Master Tang is
unable to fiight you. He"s pretty sick.
[ Sinister Chuckle ]
Why, I oughta-- Ooh !
Don"t. He"ll kill you
like a small dog.
Let your anger be
as a monkey in a piñata,
hiding with the candy, hoping the kids
don"t break through with the stick.
- [ Snorting ]
- Aw, jeez. And now the snorting starts.
I"m sorry. I must fiight you
when I am stronger.
Good-bye, Sally.
[Thinking ]
It"s Betty, you son of a pig.
The name is Betty.
[ Groaning ]
But Chosen One,
I want to help you, but I--
I-I-I-I--
i-- i 'just can't.
I won"t. Whee-ooh !
He wasn"t at the restaurant.
Do you know where he is?
No, no !
He"ll kill you.
[ Sighs ]
Don"t go. Please.
Stay alive. Stay and live
a life here with me.
Ee-ooh-ee-ooh-ee !
Look, Ling, those curlicues on your face
make me so hot I can"t think straight.
He is well protected.
It"s impossible.
You"ll never make it.
Never make it.
Ever make it.
Never make it.
Never make it.
You"ll never make it, ever.
Don"t you see?
You can"t make it.
I implore you
to reconsider.
Hmm. Okay.
He spends his time at the top of
a waterfall, swinging a chain around.
[ Sobbing ]
There.
You"ve got what you wanted.
Now go !
[ Crying, Squealing ]
[ Sighs ]
Hmm.
[ Crying, Squealing Continues ]
[ Whoa's Voice ]
Remember, avoid the meadow.
- [ Grunts, Snorts ]
- Hmm.
- [ Moos ]
- Huh?
[ F}ierce Moo ]
Ahh !
Hmm ! Hmm !
Whoa-oa-oa !
Hmm !
Hah ! Huh?
[ Laughing ]
[ Pained Moo ]
Hah ! Hah !
- Mm?
- [ Laughing ]
Huh? You like it?
Huh? F}eels good, huh?
[ Groans ]
" Swingin" the chain
Swingin" the chain "
" Swingin" the chain
Swingin" the-- " Huh?
Well, you must be quite a fiighter
to make it past my cow.
What is it you want?
Evil Betty,
I"ve come to fiinish something
I should"ve done years ago.
Remember these?
Well, you"ve grown.
I thought you
looked familiar.
Sorry, I didn"t recognize you
without crap in your pants.
I"ve trained my whole life
for this day.
I spanked you as a baby.
I"ll spank you now, bitch !
- Good luck.
- [ Man ] Wait !
You mustn"t !
You are not ready !
- Who are you?
- Ling"s father. Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh-ee !
- Oh, dear.
- No one man can defeat Betty.
When you girls are done kissing,
I"ve got some ass kicking for you !
I have to avenge
my family !
- [ Grunts ]
- Ohh !
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Narrator ]
At that moment,
the Chosen One learned
a valuable lesson about iron claws.
- They hurt like crap, man !
- [ Screams ]
Chosen One ! Oh !
Shirt ripper !
[ Narrator ]
Chosen One was clearly not ready.
He should have listened
to that one-boobed chick.
Hmm !
[ Ling"s F} ather Groaning ]
Water... everywhere !
Uuh ! All over me !
I"m... getting... wet !
Uuh ! i'm falling !
You're falling !
We"re falling !
A whale !
Mm-mm. Hmm.
Mmm, memento !
Huuh, Chosen One,
I am sorry.
[ Chosen One ]
i'll get you some help.
[ Chosen One ]
i'll get you some help.
[ Groaning ]
Let me know if you see
a Radio Shack.
Hmm.
- [ All ] Once again.
- [ Master Tang ] With feeling.
[ All ]
One... of us...
is wearing... a pushup bra.
it's lacy--
[ Continues, indistinct ]
[ Ling"s F} ather ]
Master Tang, please help me.
- I"m bleeding.
- Hey ! I remember you !
- [ F} arts ]
- [ Dog Whines ]
Just like old times !
- Ah, Rikki-Tikki-Tavi ! Rikki-Tikki !
- Too tight ! Stop hugging me !
- I have a mortal wound !
- Where? Where does it hurt?
Oh, pretty much around
the big, bloody spot. Oh !
- [ Moaning ]
- Come inside. I"ll get the Neosporin.
" Na na na na na "
" Neo "
" Na na na na na na na "
" Sporin "
" [ Imitating Electric Guitar ]
Please, I"m dying.
You must listen to me.
I feel the Chosen One
may give up hope.
This must not happen.
The creature in his tongue,
although a little disturbing,
possess a great
supernatural power-r-r !
[ Groans ]
W-Without Tonguey,
the council is invincible.
They will come to Betty"s aid.
Do you understand?
No.
I don"t understand you.
[ Moaning ]
- Aha !
- No. Don't do that. it hurts.
No, it"s good,
it"s good !
No, no, please.
I have a wound there.
Come on.
Don"t spoil everything.
This works for both of us,
huh?
[ Lecherously ]
Yeah-ahh !
[ Chosen One ] The news of
your father weighs heavy on my heart.
Evidently, his wound
never closed up properly.
He gave his life for mine.
I"m so sorry, Ling.
He was my father
my entire life.
We were friends.
I loved him.
And now he"s dead--
except for his hair
and nails-- dead.
[ Quacks ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sniffling ]
I don"t understand...
why people have to die.
Whee-ooh-whee-ooh-whee-ooh !
And now...
if-if I lose you--
Oh, man, I"m a little,
tiny, horny honey.
Mm.
- Hmm !
- Mmm !
- Mm-mm-mm !
- Mmm !
Ooh-whee-ooh !
Oh, but I don"t know.
It"s so soon.
I can"t remember the last time
I felt like this.
So ready for action.
So ready for love !
Hmm?
I need you now
in the worst way.
I can"t control it !
Take me, man meat !
But I don"t want you
to think I"m a slut.
- [ Giggling ]
- Huh?
What? What now?
How do I proceed?
[ Deep Voice ]
Simba.
I... am not Simba.
I am the Chosen One.
Ah, yes.
I am Mu Shu F} asa.
You must not be troubled,
Cho-Simba One.
He took everything from me--
a family I never knew.
What good am I now?
His powers are greater than mine.
Yes, plus when you were
hit with his iron claw,
you did scream
like a wussy.
Look inside yourself,
Cho-Simba.
You must take your place
in the great circle of...
stuff.
Behold the symbols.
One over here,
the other
over there.
Remember, weakening
and defeating Betty...
is the fiirst step to revealing
the council"s identity.
What is this Evil Council
everyone speaks of?
The answer you seek resides
in the stars above.
I don"t understand.
Of course you don"t.
I"m speaking in riddles.
That"s kind of the point,
like a clue that will later make you go,
"Oh, that"s what he meant !
Stars above !"
Please tell me.
What is my purpose?
Train, Cho-Simba.
You must reach
the next level.
- This is CNN.
- Wait, Mu Shu.
- CNN.
- What of my tongue?
- C... N...
- Mu Shu !
N !
[ Muttering ]
Hmm? A tiger.
Hmm?
Tiger, tiger, tiger.
Hmm ! Bird.
Birdie.
Birdie, birdie.
Hmm.
I am a great magician.
Your clothes are red !
[ Chuckles ]
Wow ! Please.
- Do it again. Wait, who"s that?
- [ Running Footsteps ]
[ Blubbering ]
B-- Betty.
H-He"s alive,
Betty.
He"s still alive,
Betty.
Still alive !
How can that be?
Oh, this is bad.
This is very bad.
Your clothes are black.
Oh, the council
will not be pleased.
Uh, but, Betty,
do they have to know?
He"s supposed to be dead.
I am responsible.
Nyah ! He, alone, can disrupt
the Evil Council"s plan.
Him and that infernal Tonguey !
Eh, red clothes !
Uh, Master Betty,
might I inquire, what is
the Evil Council"s plan?
Huh ! It is evil.
My, it is so evil !
It is a bad, bad plan...
that will hurt
many people...
that are good.
I think it"s great,
"cause it"s so bad.
I-I see....
I think.
But, Master Betty,
what of the Chosen One?
Hmm.
I"ll kill him.
I"ll kill him dead.
Hmm, like with--
with a rock or something.
Like a-- like a stone.
[ Both ]
" We are both ventriloquists "
" Ventriloquists
Ventriloquists "
" We are both ventriloquists
and we practice every day "
- He carries the basket.
- He carries the paper roll.
" And we don"t have cysts "
" But there is one thing that"s for sure
my friends, we are ventriloquists "
Yaah ! Hmm.
- Have you seen him before?
- Never !
Ventriloquists, huh?
Nyah, nyah, nyah !
You know the location of the Chosen One.
Where is he?
[ Gasps ]
On the life of my dummy, I swear this--
I"ll never tell you where he is !
[ Grunts ]
-i am the Chosen One, outside the wall !
-Yeah, the wall !
Your mouth tricks will not work
on me, ventriloquists.
[ Narrator ]
And so began Betty's killing spree.
No one was safe.
Ouchie !
Aiding the Chosen One...
became an offense
punishable by death.
Hmm. Orson.
[ All ]
Welles.
[Weakly ]
" We are both ventriloquists "
" But now we"re upside down "
- I swing a bit more.
- I swing a bit less.
" But we both swing
if you know-- "
- Got ya.
- [Whimpering ] Whee-oh !
- What? Please !
- Hold still, ma"am. Here she is, Betty.
[Whimpers ]
The Chosen One disappeared last night.
- What have you done with him?
- F}unny.
I thought you
could tell me.
Hmm. In your dreams.
Whee-oh !
Hmm !
I like "em feisty.
[ Snickering ]
You disgust me.
Whee-oh-oh-oh !
Ee-oh, whee-oh, pee-oh,
ee-oh, pee-oh !
- Whee !
- [ Droning ]
[ Squealing Continues ]
[ Droning ]
Whee ! Ohh !
- She hit me, Betty.
- No !
Go follow her,
then save her...
for me.
[ Sinister
Droning Laughing ]
" Ah, chicken go cluck-cluck
Cow go moo "
" Piggy go-- " [ Snorting ]
" How "bout you "
"Gonna be an animal
just like you-- "
Coo-coo !
Coo-coo !
I"m just a birdy too.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
" Lemurs go-- "
[ Sniffiing ]
"Ostrich go baah, koalas go-- "
[ Smacking Lips ]
- Huh?
- Yaah !
- Hit it !
- " I like big butts and I cannot lie "
" You other brothers
can't deny "
" 'Cause i'm long and i'm strong and
i'm down to get the friction on "
" You get sprung
wanna pull up front "
" 'Cause you noticed
that butt was stuffed "
"Use me, use me 'cause you ain't
that average groupie "
"Baby got back "
"Baby got back "
[ Thinking ]
Okay, so here were my options.
'A, "quickly duck sideways,
dodge the claw,
then take him out
with a spinning back kick.
Or "B, "take the claw
in the face,
then roll on the ground
and die.
Hmm. Should have gone
with "A."
"Don't want none
unless you got buns, hon ""
- [ Squeaking ]
- [ Chuckles ]
That"s right !
F}ollow me !
Right into my trap !
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Long Squeak ]
You go that way.
I"ll go home.
Hmm? Hmm?
[ Gasps ]
Huh?
Hmm?
Oh ! Chosen One !
[ Quacks ]
- Ling?
- Hurry !
- I"m coming !
- Chosen One !
I"m coming !
Chosen One !
I"m coming !
Chosen One !
I"m coming !
[ Grunting, Panting ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Grunts ]
Go get some snacks.
Perhaps a carbonated soda.
I hope they have Icees !
I"ve chosen the large tub.
My nipples look
like Milk Duds.
I"ve got some yellow liquid
for your popcorn,
and it"s non-dairy.
[ Panting ]
I... will... not...
be stopped...
by a tiny net !
I"ll reverse
the capture method,
and yaah-- free.
Now I have to fiind Ling.
Ling !
Ling !
- [ Squeaks ]
- [ Gasps ]
Wimp Lo?
[ Master Tang ]
Chosen One.
Huh? Master !
- Chosen One.
- Oh, Master.
Do I look all right?
Uh, yeah, sure.
O-On a scale
from one to ten--
Uh... one.
Come.
C-Come closer, please.
Listen and listen well.
I really like
the band "N Sync.
My favorite member
is Harpo.
I think there"s a Harpo.
If not, there should be.
I will write
their next hit, maybe.
" A-boom-boom chickie-chickie
boom-boom boom-chickie "
"Chaka-chaka-choo-choo "
By the way,you must be wary
of Betty's iron claws.
They are sharp,
and they hurt.
And beware his song
about big butts.
He beats you up
while he plays it !
- [ Shrieks, Groans ]
- Master, no !
- [ Ling ] Chosen.
- Huh?
Huh?
Ling !
Chosen One,
I"m... dying.
No. Please.
Remember,
I will always...
love...you.
Whee ! Ee-ee !
[ Snorts ]
Ling ! Ohh !
- [ Whimpering ]
- Huh?
- [Whimpering ]
- Dog !
Oh, it"s okay, boy.
[ Panting, Chokes ]
- No, it"s not. Huh?
- [ Master Tang ] Chosen One.
Master !
Oh, Master.
You"re alive.
I only did this--
[ Groaning, Sighs ]
That doesn"t mean
a person is dead.
- [ Ling ] Chosen.
- Huh?
- Ling !
- Chosen One.
Why did you run off?
Why did you leave me?
- But I thought-- Huh?
- [ Dog Barks ]
- [ Barking ]
- Oh, dog ! You"re alive !
Hey, if you"re all alive,
then surely Wimp Lo--
[ Chuckling ]
Wimp !
[ Flies Buzzing ]
Oh.
Betty has gone too far.
Killing is wrong...
and bad.
There should be a new,
stronger word for killing...
like "badwrong"
or "badong."
Yes, killing is "badong."
F}rom this moment, I will stand
for the opposite of killing,
"gnodab."
" [ Humming ]
Excuse me, kind blacksmith.
Do you know where I can fiind little,
silver, triangular pyramid caps...
- roughly an inch
and a half in diameter ?
- Right here in my hand.
[ High-pitched Yell ]
Yaah !
[Whistling ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Narrator ] Betty's protective
caps were the source of his power.
in order to defeat him,
they would have to be removed.
- Chosen One tried and tried,
- [Yelling ]
but they were too smooth
to pull and pointy.
So they would, like,
poke your hands...
- if you didn't get it 'just right.
- [ Screams ]
So he got frustrated,
as any one of us would.
[Whimpering ]
[ Grunting ]
Okay, maybe a little more
than any one of us would.
I"ll never be able
to do it, ever !
[ Sobbing ]
Don"t look at me !
Your hands-- let me see.
[ Gasps ]
It hurts?
How "bout now?
And now?
And this?
You broke a thermometer
in my hands.
" [ Humming ]
Rub it all in my hair.
" [ Humming Along
To Soundtrack Music ]
You just get stranger
and stranger and stranger.
Your hands--
How are they now?
I don"t know.
They feel like they"re on fiire.
Huh.
So you really think
that"s hot?
"Cause I"ll show you hot.
Now try.
[ Water Gurgling ]
You have helped me reach
the next level.
And here I was starting to think
you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.
[ High-pitched Yelping ]
So, what you--
what you guys doing later, huh?
I was just going
to hang out, but...
maybe we could get a pizza
or, you know,
scam some chicks
or something, right?
"Cause, um,
I don"t know--
I do like the ladies,
you know. I do like "em.
Hmm, I like-a them,
and they like-a me back.
Master Betty,
my compliments.
That tiny net
was surefiire.
Hmm, yes, a tiny net
is a death sentence.
It"s a net,
and it"s tiny.
Sure. At this very moment,
he"s out in a fiield,
rotting like a papaya,
while we"re in here,
cozy and enjoying the good life.
- [ Sinister Chuckling ]
- [ Snickering ]
[ Snickering,
Chuckling Continue ]
Huh?
Oh?
[ Angry Grunt ]
Oh, man !
This is all i need.
Hmm. Hmm.
[ Gulps ]
Uh, E-Evil Council ?
I-I, uh,
got-got your message.
[ Echoing ]
Hello?
[ Chuckling ]
N-Now batting, Mike Piazza !
[ Electronic Rumbling ]
Whoa. Oh, s-sorry,
Evil Council.
I-It"s just echoey,
and I--
[ Low Rumbling ]
No, that-that
is not possible.
Not again.
He has to be dead.
- [ Rumbling ]
- No, no.
I can handle him,
but, of course,
welcome your assistance.
[ Loud Hissing ]
So he"s at the temple.
Thank you, Evil Council.
This guy is toast.
Tell me...
what you"re thinking.
Of how best
to deal with Betty.
But you"ve mastered
your technique.
You should be able
to beat him now.
I"m sorry?
But you mastered
your technique.
You should be able
to beat him now.
I got everything but the last part,
through "you should be able."
You should be able
to beat him now.
Perhaps, but wooden dummies
don"t fiight back.
While I"m ripping out the caps,
I"m completely defenseless.
For instance, the fiirst move
could be like this.
i could leap like a freak, then
throw in a back-snapping eel strike.
But he'd have
a clear shot at my ribs.
i could always pretend
i'm a bird.
But that would 'just look stupid
and leave my small,
sensitive balls completely exposed.
The best approach would be
to go for both caps at once.
No matter what the tactic,
they all have a flaw.
[ Shouting ]
You should be able to beat him now !
No matter.
I think I have an idea.
[ All Laughing ]
We"re children !
We"re children !
We"re children ! We"re children !
We're children !
We're children !
- I"ll take a pound of nuts.
- That"s a lot of nuts !
[ Shouting ] That"ll be four bucks,
baby ! You want fries with that?
He just left with nuts !
[ Chittering ]
I know you"re here.
My name"s Betty.
Nyah !
Huh?
Yaah !
- Waah !
- Shirt ripper !
Hit it.
[ Woman ]
" There's got to be a morning after ""
" [ Upbeat ]
- " Whoa, Black Betty "
- Hmm?
" Whoa, Black Betty "
" Whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa "
" Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam
Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam "
"Black Betty had a child
bam-ba-lam "
" The damn thing gone wild
bam-ba-lam "
Hmm, I could dance
like that...
if I felt like it.
You killed my family,
and I don"t like
that kind of thing.
- Oh, goodness !
- " Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam "
" Whoa, Black Betty
Bam-ba-lam "
"Black Betty
Bam-ba-lam "
"Bam-ba-lam
Bam-ba-lam "
- "Bam-ba-lam, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa "
- My undies.
"Black Betty, bam-ba-lam
Black Betty got a child "
"Bam-ba-lam
Damn thing's gone wild, bam-ba-lam ""
Eh? Oh, doggie hump.
[ Narrator ]
And then all hell broke loose.
[ Betty ]
Oh,yes, the council.
Ho-ho !
[ Muttering ]
Yes, the Evil Council...
are aliens.
" [Woman Singing
In F}rench ]
They"re F}rench.
Ha-ha-ha !
Stinky pits and all, baby !
[ Betty ]
Okay, fiire me up.
Oh,yes !
Ha ha ha !
Ha ha !
[Yells ]
Oh, God.
Hmm, as you"ve
probably concluded,
the Evil Council
is based in France...
and will soon rise
to world domination. [ Snickering ]
[ High-pitched Yells ]
Enjoy the paralyzer !
Huh?
Another paralyzer !
[ Snickering ]
Say good night, floppy.
Hmm.
[ Cackling ]
[ Cackling Continues ]
Your booties.
""[ French Continues ]
Do it for your family,
and so I can be in the sequel.
Stars above. Aliens.
Was I right or what?
Oh, you need
to open your mouth.
[ Speaking F}rench ]
Sacrebleu !
Uh-- Huh?
Oh, no, guys. Come on !
[Yelling ]
[ Hissing ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Loud, Sustained Moaning ]
Ouch. I fell
and hurt my tummy.
[ Loud Groaning ]
- [ Sighs ]
- [ Groaning, Gagging ]
Thank you, squirrel friend.
Your soft, cushy body
helped absorb the force of his blow.
Now, for my part
of the bargain.
- [ No Sound ]
-[ Barking ]
[ Barking Continues ]
Chosen One !
Chosen !
[ Snorting ]
Whee ! Whee ! Whee !
Chosen,
you"re alive.
It"s okay, Ling.
There"s nothing to worry about anymore.
[ Narrator ]
That's what he thought.
[ Grunting ]
What is your purpose?
Whee-ohh !
Hmm. I see you brought
your friends this time.
- [Whinnying ]
- [ Bleating ]
[ Clucking, Shrieking ]
[ Chicken Clucks ]
- " Whoo "
- [ Man Laughing ]
Holy crap, you made it! Try not to think about any free time you wasted scrolling through the entire script of the glorious cinematic masterpiece Kung Pow. Instead, message me about your greatest fear, the recollection of your most vivid dream, or about your least favorite animal.
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