zombywoof68
23175
789
5
Jul 19, 2026 4:47 PM
zombywoof68
23175
789
5
anjeleyezjr
We don'[t have warriors, we have soldiers. Know the difference, kegbreath.
FPAlpha
So - refuse to modernize, clinging to outdated social models like slavery and harsh citizenship requirements that fewer and fewer Spartans could meet due to wealth concentration into a few families and then over time a series of military defeats led to a massive fall in Spartan citizen numbers and finally a slave rebellion that put the final nail in the coffin.
Any of this sound familiar when it comes to the US? If so then Hegseth is actually on track to my surprise.
Voojagig
Hesgeth obviously has some deep seeded feelings he is not ready to confront yet.
InboxMeYourHDGIFs
Seated*
Cornflakes91
also deeply seeded in his ass
Ikwilstroopwaffels
I bet he makes his kids call him "sir".
7qd26tttv7
Those aren't his kids.
DwayneTheCrackJohnson
And is too stupid too figure out when the kids call him "SiR"
Cornflakes91
not noticably better at their job than anyone else, built on ages of abuse that makes you worse at everything but violence and not better at violence, incapable of carrying their logistics beyond their own doorstep, 90+% slave population that was treated so badly that contemporaries say they were way worse off than other slaves, ran by a very small minority of gentry and a fake democracy. that spartan mindset?
jaggcomputing5
In a nut shell.
reichstein
Sounds pretty much spot on.
Svartsinn
Hard to do logistics when your entire society is illiterate and prides itself on this fact. Education was seen as a distraction from Spartan discipline the same as luxuries and art.
Cornflakes91
i mean, 90+% of them werent spatiates, could just have an artisan slave have run the logistics numbers
FritzLoneaux
*brings more slaves than spartans to their defense of Thermopylae*
AngelBunny8888
PTK74
So GAY ?
kInADress
I need Hegseth to fuck off already, go conquer the reflecting pool you drunk idiot
Svartsinn
Very telling when people idolize a culture of illiterate slavers. Sparta's military was strongest at subjugating farmers and weakest at fighting protracted wars. The Laconians were a miserable society. Chattel slavery at the bottom and even the enforcers and masters at the top were compelled to live just as miserably the slaves.
devolutionary
So I checked the map, and can’t seem to find the country called “Sparta.” I mean, a group of warriors so amazing we need to emulate them should surely have a wide and prosperous nation, shouldn’t they?
Kazpur81S
He’s obviously not read deeply into the Spartans….
beemarr
Probably extra amusing in that one of the most crushing defeats Sparta suffered was the hands of the Sacred Band of Thebes. A group made up of a hundred and fifty gay couples. Kinda poetic in a way, I suppose.
sarabear
Gay history is so fascinating. Even moreso bc it’s been partially suppressed, as are most minority groups’ pasts. What’s next, you gonna tell me black folks invented a bunch of cool important shit?
LinemanMatt
It's not like Sparta was exactly "straight" either though.
RockTheBackblast
Is this something one can read about on wikipedia normally, or the kind of story you really want to get in book form written by an enthusiastic history professor?
beemarr
Wikipedia should be mostly fine if you want to get an overview of it. If you're more of an audio/visual type, I'm certain there's likely to be something on the Sacred Band from one of the many history YouTubers out there. But if you just want a quick read, then Wikipedia should be adequate.
2774
They were submarines? /s
iamamentat
It was an eluectrafying experience for them. Also, let's not forget Sparta only was able to exist because of its slave population. Not a great model. I think they just saw 300 and were like, mmmyesss, abs. I mean warriors!
knotydes
Sparta fucked itself because they only allowed people to become citizens if both parents were also citizens. Plus being unfriendly with pretty much all its neighbors.
As for the slave thing.... Who the fuck do u think did all the work in Athens or the other Greek city states? Slaves. The ancient world ran on slave labor with very few exceptions.
iamamentat
Never said they didn't. Agree it was very common and very much a part of Greek warfare and culture. From what I do understand, Helots were particularly abused by the Spartans, even by the standards of the time.
malbec
Yeah that’s pretty much the extent of their historical knowledge on this particular subject. Much like any other subject really…
Robbann
maybe he meant in that he want to introduce the practice of Helot slavery
OohDaLolly
https://historychronicles.org/were-the-spartans-gay-understanding-sexuality-in-ancient-greece/
todaytomorrowwillbeyesterday
Well, if it ain't that old *learn history so you don't repeat it* metaphor again. It's now been upgraded to FAFO
TyrannusEquus
That man loves men so much he wants the most testosterone laden men around him at all times acting as the Spartans would have. Naturally we can only infer he wants to bottom for them. Just as the Spartans would like.
Drew442
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1ZnpzaGQ4OGNnMXd2eTNoa2o0aDBkb3N0ZXRnbmFzYWdoc2o3OWp0ZCZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/asHT7eh4AwG9G/200w.webp
duoplicity
The school lunch program was started because conscripts were too malnourished to be drafted.
Now they've cut the school programs...
Everyonesfavorite
O lyrics 22% of military applicants meet the physical requirements to enter. I may have forgotten this part, but pretty sure: Of those that enter, only 18% pass the physical requirements after basic training.
Thursday, tRump said our military enlistment is at an all time high. Speaks for the economy, doesn't it.?.
Everyonesfavorite
*only 22%
duoplicity
The military is the place of last resort for poor rural youth who have no other choice in life (besides Walmart).
Ironically it is their parents and communities who are the most war-mongering and militant.
Mightynineftw2000
Is this factoid dubious? I asked because I came from a well to do, highly educated family and still enlisted. I qualified for every program in all branches of the military on my ASVAB. I may not have maxed out the physical tests (PFT), I passed and did well enough to get promoted. I met many people like myself while I was in.
intrepidsea
There are plenty of highly educated people in the service, but the largest job pool in the army and the marines is the infantry (and those are usually the branches that come to mind when people blab) and you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to kick doors in and shoot guns. That is where this factoid comes from. Of course anyone who has done any real service time would have a better understanding of the logistical parts of the military and would naturally question it upon hearing it.
TheMightyMollusk
Trump is also a pathological liar, so.......
michaelfire
"Moral waiver" at all time high too. Criminals diverted from justice system.
MentionSignificant
Or, not criminals and the standards are fucking ridiculous. I had a moral waiver to join, for having gotten caught smoking pot once, but I'm sure all the 'criminals diverted from the justice system' are bad people, right?
michaelfire
...often behavior problems in HS, truancy, conduct DO or psychological issues- yes most often evidence of SUD, also hope to divert from criminal justice system. Did the military "discipline" straighten you out? The drug charge was the reason for the waiver but you undoubtedly had a record of disciplinary and behavior problems?...the court and or recruiter thought you could be rehabilitated- or just had a quota he wasn't going to fill that month- did you learn self-honesty? Did you stop smoking?
MentionSignificant
I learned that while I liked the work, I had no ambitions to rise beyond E-5 and as discharged honorably after serving several years of extensions on my first enlistment. And I think you need therapy.
GandalfTheGhey
lazybuthappy
When you want Gerard Butler but you'll get Kevin Sorbo
welcometothedystopia
Temu did this - https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1Z28zbmpvbHNiZGVuazY5N2NydmcxZnMzaGNwYmhhc3hoYml0Z3dkcCZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/3oAt21Fnr4i54uK8vK/200w.webp
shitheadtookmyname
*fucks male butts*
TheWombatStrikesAgain
There are two groups of people who glorify the Spartans: people who don't know much about history but have seen the 300 movie and fascists.
tzahtman
You can tell when someone only knows Sparta from 300 or from actually studying some history.
slidewhistlesymphony
Real Spartan mindset: a table and a chair.
Urgalicity
So, they're going to fight naked and spend every day working out naked? Sounds like a gay fantasy to me.
AnonOmis1000
Weren't the Spartans, like, not as great a military as pop culture has made them?
EroticZombiePants
Sparta was a city-state that basically had a few thousand soldiers plus some allies. Persia during its peak accounted for an estimated 44% of the World's population at the time. Even the greatest warriors in history aren't going to be able to hold back that much of a troop size mismatch forever.
AnonOmis1000
No i know that but thats not the only thing that happened to them
EroticZombiePants
Long being jerks to your neighbors tends not to bode well when outside forces try invade your area. Ask the Incas. The Spanish won in part because they basically recruited a bunch of other groups of people who the Inca had conquered.
itrytoonlysaypositivethings
Yes, for several reasons. One of them being that they had a very large slave population. If you send all your warriors out to fight, who is going to watch the slaves? The Spartans tended to be conveniently occupied whenever it was time to fight.
sadurdaynight
The spartans were heavilyy militarized so a 10% free population could control a 90% slave population. They had to be able to quell rebellion. If you look at hegseths words in that regard he wants to ensure a strong military keeps citizen slaves in line for the elite us masters
Svartsinn
They were good at subjugating farmers. Conditioned to be ignorant but loyal and disciplined warriors. Problem was all their leadership was just as stupid.
ConnectToReality
I thought Pete didn't want homosexuals in the military?
supervillin
Yeah, he just wants to get rid of all the women and make sure the men all have super high T and strong stream.
TyrannusEquus
He does, he just wants to cover it in a veil of "The Spartan way"
Ikwilstroopwaffels
Remember folks, Tomyris of Scythia defeated Persia. A nation with an army comprised largely of women and with trans priestesses terrorized the ancient world. Tomyris, a woman, general of Scythia, beheaded Cyrus of Persia herself and carried his head around in a sack to prove it.
Gotta be about the testosterone right?
rossimus
Tomyris was awesome but the Scythian army was at least 99% male. Im really not sure why you're making something up about an already awesome people. The Scythians more egalitarian than many of their ancient peers, but most of their leaders were male.
The claim that a highly militaristic people weren't laden with testosterone just because one of their leaders was female is a strange one to make. It just feels like you're projecting your modern politics onto a historical figure/people...
Ikwilstroopwaffels
Largely was not the right term. My bad. However, it was also not "99%" male either. Women were smaller than men. Horses at the time were barely large enough for a small child - or woman - to ride, hence the ancient use of chariots. Chariots are garbage over broken steppe. Hence, the famed horse archers counted many women among their ranks.
EverNotRelevant
I'm sure they're already transvestigating her
CrimeSceneShoe
I read she put his head in a bag filled with blood of his soldiers, she kept the top of his skull as a drinking cup.
mrmillar
According to Herodotus... A man known as the father of lies =P But I do love that story!
Poppypoppoppop
Damn... I would travel back in time to give her a ziploc bag to put the head in and better show it off
Andunistar
Let's be real here that was because she was a ruler at the head of a confederation of steppe tribes. Steppe people's make for scary scary cavalry on acount of their more brutal on average lifestyle and being absolutely horse rich. If they were in any way compreble to the mongols in the way they could treat a battle like they are hunting deer or fox then that conclusion would have been forgone even with a cardbored cutout as a figurehead.
AshesVonDust
I thought horses couldn't use steps 🥴
TrumpRapesChildren
No that's CL4P-TP.
Andunistar
https://media4.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1aXJzbXcyZ3NybTVpa3BrOWtnNDFvZGNhYXQzdGEyZDN4ZWZpb2RqayZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/kPIswn0RfPTGxOvDj5/200w.webp
CaptainScarfish
Tomyris was definitely more egalitarian than her contemporaries, but where are you getting the idea that her army was largely women?
rossimus
The army was definitely like 99% male but I think some people like to take one historical fact they heard once and morph it into some weird exaggeration in order to project their modern political views onto historical figures/periods to advance an agenda.
nyarlathotep777
Either Herodotus nor Appian were advancing a modern “agenda”, writing as they were 2400 and 1800 years ago, respectively.
Ikwilstroopwaffels
Largely was the wrong word. I should have said "women were a non-trivial component" of the army. Scythia's famed horse archers existed at a time when horses were much smaller than they were by the time of the Mongols. Hence the ancient use of chariots - a horse could not carry a full grown man, but a couple could pull a chariot. Chariots, however, are terrible in broken steppe. Women and teenagers, however, could ride a horse - hence many of the famous horse archers were women.
CodyBurkett
Maybe not largely, but there is a lot of women warriors in Scythian burial mounds to show that there Definitely would have been a decent component of women warriors in Scythian armies.
nyarlathotep777
Herodotus and Appian both state there were female warriors in the Scythian ranks. Maybe not “largely”, but since other forces had essentially no women in their ranks, it would have been a notable number. Women would have been able to ride smaller, faster ponies into battle compared to the larger one ridden by their men.
Fuckimgurcunts
I mean I never understood the insecurity if you have apes ready to grab sticks and train to poke enemy apes, use them.
secretdpp
Women are rather irreplaceable as mothers. Without them we don't have apes for long and if we lose them to stick poking it makes for fewer apes on our side
astrangehop
If you lose 90 percent of a male population, you can make it back in 20 years. If lose 50 percent of your population and it's equal across the board it takes generations to recoup.
gayvillian
The Spartans were a well prepared and trained army that was defeated by numbers. The US has a bunch of expensive tech but isn't well trained or prepared and consistently loses to significantly smaller opponents where the expensive tech is irrelevant but proper training would be.
SomeDetroitGuy
The analysis on the US is wildly wrong but I bet you're the kind of person who thinks the US lost the Iraq war despite accomplishing literally every single objective they sought out to achieve, killing Iraq's dictators, removing the Baathist party entirely, and setting up a completely new democratic country that is no threat to the US or anyone else in the region while losing only a tiny number of its own soldiers.
ElusiveThing
Was Iraq a threat to the US before the criminal invasion? Some other, slightly less safe countries like Kuwait and Iran didn't consider Iraq a threat. Were they a menace to the worldwide superpower?
CaldariBob
Fun fact: Spartans were the original NAMBLA. It wasn't like the movies.
rubypilgrim
no, not like the movies, and not exactly like NAMBLA, either. Pedophilia was not well tolerated. Also, women had a great deal more power in Sparta than they did in Athens.
anegativecreep
Wouldn’t it be SGMBLA?
CaldariBob
If you can somehow work that into SMEGMA, you will officially have won the Internet for the day!