11 ways to NOT die in Hyrule.

(You might wanna make sure you're on Wi-Fi for this. Lotsa gifs)

FP Edit: Holy shit guys! THANK YOU! Umm.... I know! When you're done reading, why not head into the comments and regale us with tips and fuckery that you have from your time as heroes of hyrule!

Hello all you heroes, imgurians and anyone considering getting a Switch and/or Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild this christmas! This is your friendly neighborhood OP here, (Not that fucker posting a selfie on christmas. I'm right there, hanging out in the background, see?) and i'm here to give you a few tips to staying alive in the great and beautiful land of hyrule.

Hyrule is an amazing place. But it's also a place that you can lose your life pretty easily if you don't harden up. And harden up you shall, if you don't you die! So here's a few drops of wisdom to add to your morning cup of concrete.

1. REMEMBER TO FISH!

The first thing you need to know about Hyrule, is there's no such thing as a free lunch.

Every meal you eat is gonna be earned with blood, sweat, and tears. Protein is always useful, I reccomend fishing, as a fun way of getting some grub for any zelda enthusiast. There are several ways to fish, and depending on the amount of fucks you can't be bothered to give, i like to split fishing into three tiers.

Tier 1: All chill

This is the most common form of fishing. See a fish? hop in the water and carefully take it. Easy simple.

Tier 2: Less chill

This is using any sort of ranged weaponry to help fish. Very helpful if you're trying to get multiple fish but don't want to jump in and risk scaring others away. A shock arrow makes this almost too easy.

Tier 3: ZERO CHILL

The title says it all. You do not need to fish like this. It's a choice. This is for those people who's idea of ichthyology is looking at the pretty shapes the fish remains leave on the side of your GIGANTIC MURDER SMASHY-SMASHY CLUB!

So basically it's fun for the whole family!

2. Blocking saves lives.

Invest in learning to block and parry. Don't wait till you're too strong to need it. Start at the very beginning. This is by far the most useful skill you can have if you want to stay alive.

It's said that some lynel shields have blades, and thus do damage when parrying. But it's also useful to know that you can get rid of flying pests by smacking them with any shield.

3. Learn to kill Guardians, and fast. I'm gonna use the last tip as a segue into this important section of tips. While they can help you survive in Hyrule, they're indispensable in the art of staying alive. Cause if you're not able to kill a Guardian. It WILL kill you.

Now, we've already talked about blocking, yes?

Once you're a master of blocking. Dealing with Sleeping Guardians is like a walk in the park.

But what about walking guardians? Flying guardians? Those are nowhere near as easy, are they?

They can and WILL kill you if you're not careful But don't worry. You have a master of the art like me on your side! Let me tell you simple tips for facing guardians in combat that anyone can learn! These methods of killing guardians and surviving in Hyrule include...

4) Hide in plain sight. (No pun intended)
5) Learn to shoot.

Now some of you might be thinking, "Stealth? What kind of stealth tip is this? This is a Zelda game? How is stealth useful aside from certain story parts?" the answer is simple. IT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE. If you're a new hero and you meet a guardian in the fields of Hyrule. DO NOT PANIC. And do this:

(Side note: If these instructions are unclear, do not panic. Guardians are equipped with a convenient glowing hole underneath full of ancient machinery to get your dick stuck in.)

Guardians must be reincarnations of Skyrim guards, because shooting them in the eye is a guaranteed way to make them forget you ever existed. That is IF you can hit them in the eye before they lock on. I don't care if you are okay or not with using motion controls. Just as long as you can find a way to hit the side of a barn, (or preferably, the shiny glowy death ray eye on it's face) You'll be fine and dandy. And to most enemies, crouch in a grassy field and they're basically blind to your presence!
(We're still testing to see if this works on Lynels. We have teams equipped with shiekah sensors scouring hyrule for any sign of our last volunteer and his findings. So far we've found two teeth an eyebrow and a last will and testament.)

6) Updrafts are your friend!

Do you suffer from George Washington's Disease? Have an intense need to chop down every tree you see and then, some? You won't rest until Hyrule is a desert? Then you probably have WAY MORE WOOD IN YOUR INVENTORY THAN YOU NEED! And that's a good thing. If you light 5 fires in close proximity, it creates an updraft. Updrafts create a vertical advantage! And I'm sorry, but if you think a vertical advantage doesn't matter, you probably overestimate your power.

Once you got updrafts, aim and blocking on your side, you'll be able to handle any guardian you see and never worry again. Check out these satisfied customers defeat their respective guardians with NO damage!

Exhibit A

Removing guardian legs ups their adorable factor by 10 fold! I reccomend lizal tri boomerangs. If you're just beginning the game, they can be looted from inside Hyrule castle. Just stay the hell away from the final boss and go to the lower floors, taze some lizalfos, steal their weapons when they drop it, and warp the hell out.

Exhibit B

Being able to aim might be the difference between life and death. Don't forget it. And updrafts always help stay on target.

That's all you really need to know about guardians. The rest will come to you with trial and error. Aside from that, here's a few tips for general heroing-about that it helps to know.

7) It pays to be a hero.

Yes, you can be someone's knight in shining armor. Ride in, and save the day. And you should definitely do it. Cause people don't like owing favors. And tend to give you stuff in thanks.

8) Feed your Steed.

You don't see it, but your horse has a life bar. A few apples now and then might be the difference between it dying from a stray arrow today, or tanking a hit from a guardian and getting you to safety tomorrow.
9) Feed your OTHER steed.

I don't know how it manages to turn anything from monster viscera, to actual food, to even rocks and minerals into power and fuel, and frankly, i'm afraid to ask. But it gets you from point A to point B, and you wouldn't want to find yourself stuck in enemy territory, now would you? So suck it up and go feed your bike some eyes and hearts, okay?

10) Give as good as you get.

Enemies have patterns, learn to counter them and you'll be able to keep from dying. Learn to mess with them and you'll never feel more alive. Once you know how an enemy will act, there's nothing like doing everything you can to have fun with an enemy unequipped to deal with you when you're not trying.

11) Use every weapon.

Weapons break, so I bet you'd want to save some of your better weapons for certain situations?
Don't. Aside from the Kite shield, which is outclassed in it's own ability by the Ancient Shield, everything you can get in the game is pretty easy to restock. Usually in the exact same place you first got it. Don't be afraid. Have fun with what you have. if it breaks, go get seconds. It's the best way to play.

That's all the tips I have for any current or aspiring heroes! This was amazingly fun to create and write, I hope it made some people wanna go back into the game. Cause it's really a great game to play.

Last but not least!

Dog Tax