perckq
428511
6444
195
/u/Pseudo-ku
Part I: http://imgur.com/gallery/zM4qd
Part III: http://imgur.com/gallery/wkQrb
Part IV: http://imgur.com/gallery/ao3zc
User submitted D&D shenanigans:
Part I: http://imgur.com/gallery/JmLcS
Part II: http://imgur.com/gallery/kKAs9
You should tune back once in a while to see if I've made anything new if you like these.
A lot of people have commented questions on how to start playing D&D or Pathfinder. Please try http://roll20.net/ or ask from possible nerdy friends!
Awesomenessx3
"I seduce the gross and violent ogre!" "... The ogre falls completely in love with you and hands you his rat meat."
Draygen
I have to kill you because you hired me to get rid of the demon, and the demon said he would leave if I killed you. This way everyone wins.
DarthFutuza
NPC Mayor, "Adventurer pls"
sadejester
career DM here: the one about the door is fucking truth incarnate.
ninmonkey
If the door doesn't want to get seduced, why is it bare wood?
DroppingDice
"The bandit leader demands your surrender" "I look at him, then back at my cart of gold...you guys want a job?" and thats how i got an army
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
Batman actually did that once.
unlmtdjuice
I once had an intimidation check that went so poorly I ended up asking the enemy drow if I could join their party.
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
Well? Did you join the Drow?
unlmtdjuice
I may have if our absurdly eager but poorly equipped fighter hadn't mistaken drow sign language for a signal to attack and
oddkiwi
Ridiculous quotes are good! PART THREE, PART THREE
ImTheGoddamnBatwoman
My experience: "The Tit Queen has impregnated you with spiders" "Can I make her pay alimony?"
LiRivera
How'd that turn out?
ImTheGoddamnBatwoman
We killed her shortly after. I successfully argued for two shares of the loot to pay for emotional damages.
LiRivera
Well done.
AHornyRhino
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
Reminds me of theoretical character build based around epic escape artist checks and size altering magics...
GrigoriGrimm
I guess you could say you were *puts on sunglasses* an ASSassin
ChefJuBi
"You successfully convince him to lick the mushroom. He now glows neon blue for 3 days straight."
Geekyre
My friends half orc picked up my halfing and started cradling me when we fought an owlbear in hopes to calm it.
ChimeraOfFury
You are reduced to a pile of ash." "Wait! My goggles get their own save!" Rolls 20. "Great, you are a pile of ash with goggles on top."
Whydopeoplekeepcallingmethat
Well, clearly the goggles do nothing.
cattywumpus
I play a female barbarian who keeps prisoners as concubine. Once used them as a blanket to avoid cold damage.
penguing
Hahahahhahaha!!
Ooki2Spooki
"No you cannot milk yourself. I don't care if you're a lady minotaur."
Ontolodox
ALL MY UPVOTES.
Toasterpops
I wish I had people to play DND with.
TheWayADrillWorks
Whatever happened to that Tavern Gaming thing?
Toasterpops
Wish I knew, I'd love to get into it
ANerdsMind
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/nerdss.gif
Shazzberry
"I violently sing Enya at the zombies."
TheWayADrillWorks
I am going to have to borrow that one.
Shazzberry
Our Bard was insane, he would actually sing when he cast his spells. He destroyed a horde of zombies with that one.
TheWayADrillWorks
At some point I want to roll up an illusionist-type character that just gives everyone Twin Peaks-esque hallucinations.
Shazzberry
We ran a campaign with everyone from different insane versions of popular religions. I had Cain's rock on a rope, and the staff of Moses lol
DarolMcKee
It pains me that I am late to this, but one session a friend of mine asked if a boar had any projectile weapons
ninmonkey
You've not witnessed true terror until you've crossed paths with a boar with a repeating crossbow.
the1chaos
"You reach the massive, closed gate. You hear sounds of the skeletons and living beings fighting." / "We don't care, and make camp." 1/?
the1chaos
"... You hear the sounds of violence increasing, and hear two people pleading for their lives." / "We set a ward on the door and sleep." 2/?
the1chaos
"... Your ward is triggered half an hour later by copious amounts of blood dripping out from under the door. You hear faint moaning. " 3/?
the1chaos
"We barricade the door shut, set a second, less sensitive alarm ward, and go back to sleep." Crits on reinforcing the gate and alarm. 4/?
the1chaos
"You hear the gate rattling, but the barricade holds. The following morning you wake up lying in blood that came from under the door." 5/5
CouldntThinkOfAnythingClever
I'm so happy I read this whole thing.
MrRandom314159
But did you guys get a good night's rest?
nachochachos
Weird. These make me want to try D&D.
rainbowsandbutterflies
Surprisingly, it's pretty fun. It definitely matters who you play with though.
RuinousGoat
If you play with a group of friends and no one is a rules Nazi, it can be fun an fuck!
nachochachos
I live in South Korea. Probably opportunities, but I haven't really heard anything.
Carger
It's really hard being a paladin when you're trying to be discrete. I want to make my sword crackle with lightning to intimidate 1/2
bubblehearth
Why be discrete? #19 is my life motto, right there.
Carger
a group of people, and my DM is like "Everyone suddenly realises you're not really a member of the cult of the dragon. They attack you." 2/2
ninmonkey
Cults are so judgemental.
Carger
One thing I'm wondering: Do cults actually think of themselves as cults, or is that generally just a name given to them by outsiders?
ninmonkey
In general, the leader might, but the majority of followers probably don't know it's a cult.
Carger
Fair enough. Maybe there was a time when the word cult didn't have such a negative meaning.
TravianTrav
I would go watch an improv act if it were somehow based around these quotes.
Fauxpaws89
Dorks and dungeons in NH
eorinni
Try the podcast "The Adventure Zone".
penguing
Boinking for later use
PouringOneOutToMyDeadHomies
D&D pretty much is an improv act.
Gwenyama
Never expected to see this as the first image in user sub. I once open mouth kissed a horse.
Rebeltg
But did it kiss back?
Gwenyama
Neigh.
BentadickCameinbatches
This is an Austin Powers quote.
Gwenyama
Very right you are. I was wondering when or if someone would realize that.
fe1od1or
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dunes8
Gwenyama
What about my biography?
Isignedupforapun
This is going to be the new Kylecorn.
Gwenyama
But there was no stinky pinky. I think I'm safe.
MyDogJake
congrats on being imgur famous
Gwenyama
Never have been, never will be. I just trot in user sub as a neighbody.
blainetog
Honestly if this won't convince you to give D&D a try, nothing will.
FancyDucky
*coughs* And if you can't play offline/in real life, roll20.net does it online... and free!
GinnyGinGin
.
penguing
.
wackjack
As a regular Alchemist, I am a purple horse. Clearly this guys is doing it wrong.
alchemist12345
Please...
MrBurd
Last game I was a dwarf carrying a beer barrel on his back with all the loot inside. And beer.
Poodums
L2 purple horse, geez.
citizentrain
If riding you is wrong, I don't want to be right.
ninmonkey
I fail, slip and fall. The impact on the ground was enough to kill me. I am now a dead at level1 due to a pony mishap. [2]
citizentrain
RIP @, we hardly knew ye.
ninmonkey
That reminds me of the time I played Nethack as a paladin. I come with a small mount (pony). I attempt to mount my steed. [1]
Toonight
Is your username a play on Citizen Kane or is it just a coincidence?
citizentrain
Rosebud.
OrckidBlack
"Rogue, the battle is going on, everyone is dying, do you want to come out now?" "Nope, I'm fine, I'll just sneak attack when they're dead."
LoganHendrickson
THATS THE FUCKING ROGUE IN MY CURRENT PARTY! "You really should sneak attack snipe a few things" "Naw, then they'll know I'm here"
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
One of my party members just ran away from the fight. Like, completely ran away.
Beepity
Friend of mine knew someone who played a big, burly tank of a fighter...and rather than being "...the brave" or "the mighty" was "the pussy"
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
Heh, that'd be fun.
Rheios
who later ressed them and gave I told you so's, so I was at least a bit vindicated.(3)
ArdentSlacker
I have had to be careful with my groups. Wife of the alternate-week GM tends to smash first and figure out if the party can win after.
Rheios
I've ditched a party when they ignored my warnings that there were more enemies that was reasonable. Granted I was a kobold archivist.(2)
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
See, that's how you have fun. Cha based characters are great.
eviscera
Just last night I was told the story of a wizard who, in the first room, Stone Shape'd the wall open, stepped in, and Stone Shape'd it back.
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
Nice.
eviscera
And said, muffled through the stone, "You guys go on. I'm fine in here."
Rheios
Better part of valor, Kalid style? Or just didn't want to be involved. Without context we can't tell if that's a reasoned response.(1)
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
He had to roll a new one.
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
He thought we were all about to be killed, so he just ran away. We were tied up and the campaign is continuing with the autistic twats char
Rheios
Oh, you're the same guy I'm talking to in another thread. I did not realize that until "autistic twat". Hello again. And if it was rp backed
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
=D Hello again, I recognised your username.
Rheios
it'd be fine. But from the sounds of it that might have been meta game which is a bad reason in any internally consistent game.
CarlC4
"Holy shit. You convince the cultist to worship you instead." "I tell him to convert more people." "I will make this kill you somehow."
JumangiJones
I made three guys from a cult worship me, and their first orders were to bite off their fingers to show loyalty 1/2
JumangiJones
Flash forward a year and a half and two of the are still alive after all of those sessions. The artificer made them new fingers btw
ElbowDeepinaTinyOctopus
Cults tend to work with esoteric beliefs. Say, eating the earthly flesh of their god['s representative] every full moon, for example.
PraiseMelora
We were playing Horde of the Dragon Queen and started a kobold uprising which took care of the cultist problem.
zixcik
I DMed for a devote palladin in a team of douche rogues and bards. In a moment of weakness when he was dying I let him roll a d20 (1/)
zixcik
As last prayer to his god and he rolled 20 so I had his god return him to bloodied and gave him a molten hammer to smite his enemies. (2/)
zixcik
The the rogue tried to steal the hammer and I have it rot him from the inside out. It was really gratifying
GinnyGinGin
That's beautiful!
kargul
One of my first campaigns involved doing a dungeon full of Kobolds who worshiped some dragon. In our first encounter, our half-dragon (1)
kargul
paladin-ish guy made an attempt to convince the Kobolds that HE was their dragon god, and rolled a natural 20. We spent the rest of the (2)
kargul
campaign recruiting Kobolds and trying to figure out how to feed them, cloth them, house them, arm them, etc. Good times.
DarthFutuza
Sounds remarkably similar to the time we started a religion in a mining town center'd around the shininess of a certain party members pants.
AtalanBeardy
Last campaign I was in we founded the Church of Vegeta. DM let us and before long 90% of the orcs in the world were followers of Vegeta.
MrBananaBeak
A good DM alllllllllways has a way to kill them
CarlC4
The cult ultimately ended up poisoning and eating my character and then all dying from eating my poisoned flesh.
PaliQ
Our DM kept throwing giant monsters at us to end the campaign...we kept getting REALLY close to death and someone would hit 3 20's.
OrckidBlack
... Like mine: "You just got a +9 axe on your barb. Oh no, a magical anvil just fell on your head, 90D6 damage."
DarthFutuza
"...okay, does a magical healing potion heal me for 90D6 at the same time too?" "No." "Your narrative stinks."
OrckidBlack
Dude, I actually got this +9 axe at lvl 3 on the dice. He just got mad and wanted me to make another sheet. My axe got sold... 8 gold pieces
DarthFutuza
The trick is convincing your GM that you won't abuse it, and then doing something totally unexpected - like using it as a dowry.
PorygonZ
I had a DM who believed that fun had no place in D&D. Between great rolls, quick thinking, and a flowing narrative, I made him cry once.
MrBananaBeak
Fuck those dms. I give my party every fighting chance to win. If they fuck up or do something stupid though....you ded.
doubleormuffin
I don't play D&D (though I would like to get into it), but that sounds to me like the way it should be. Protagonists need a bloody chance.
PorygonZ
By the time I joined, he'd gone through a dozen people at least. Living in a decent sized area he was known in the local circuit as a drag.
liliputian7
Am I the only one who wants to play D&D full roleplay style? I like the fantasy aesthetic, and I want to keep the mood relatively srs
CerebrawlHemmorage
I've been getting quite tired of d20 lately too. Been playing a lot of pathfinder... but I've started reading up on Numenera, looks fun.
CerebrawlHemmorage
It's very simple to character build, and only two ways of getting xp: GM intrusion(GM complicates things), or discovery, exploration focus.
DarthFutuza
So just roleplay deadpool. No problem.
PorygonZ
Not at all, but there is a line between managing a game, and refusing to let a group of people deviate from your own internal script.
affinityoftime
My brother tried DMing; he was awful about being deadset on the internal script. I refuse to play with him now, which kinda sucks.
PorygonZ
Which is what he did by using every possible rule or interpretation of rules to make us follow his unspoken script instead of roleplaying.
liliputian7
my friends, I'd just do that, not play a game about it (2/2)
liliputian7
True, but if I ever played D&D I'd absolutely hand-pick the players. I like in-character characters. If I wanted to have fun with (1/2)
Hillstylelife
"I wanna summon some apple juice". Rolls 20. Summons a sentient bottle of apple juice named Randall. (Source: Unforgotten Realms Live)
TheBreadlord
Knew it was gonna be UR after apple juice! :D
jarnolol
New new dad is way better than old dad!
Ninjadudeclaw6
A fellow viewer of the Buffalo Wizards?!? +1
Toonight
But how is that a good thing? I mean shit, you can't drink it now, it's fucking sentient.
Hillstylelife
They became friends with it, then threw it in the air, hitting a teammate, splashing it all over him, which he used to summon a nimbus cloud
IAmCthulhu
Maybe it's neverending and doesn't mind?
Kajitheninja
maybe it likes it? but then again that would make it weird and i wouldnt want to drink it after that
DarthFutuza
I don't see a problem. It will just live inside you if it is sentient. I doubt drinking it will kill it.
ninmonkey
Maybe that's the sentient apple juices' fetish?
TravDrinksBeer
Maybe you could drink it but it was aware that you were drinking it. Also told you to stop probably
TheBreadlord
The context was that the person used a wand for it and had no idea what he was doing. The fact that anything happened was a huge success.
TheBreadlord
Besides the dm was the sort who makes 20 often really eaggerated and overly good. So much overly good that instead of conjuring matter he ①
TheBreadlord
conjured something more complex which in this case was life. ②
DendriteSnowflake
I was the official quote keeper from my last campaign. We had some spectacular ones. Maybe I'll put mine up eventually.
Kinderschlager
please do
Bent0916
Maybe... maybe you'll put yours up now.
eftwyrd
add this one to the pile: "you may call me Brad, the baker." - said by the assassin Zoot, trying to pass off as a common villager.
CouldntThinkOfAnythingClever
Do it!
thejollymolly
My favorite has always been our sleep deprived rogue randomly spouting"birds don't fly at night".
CerebrawlHemmorage
"I have Quick Draw, so I throw my "grey matter" at the marilith."
TheWayADrillWorks
Magic missile can't melt steel beams!
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
My current campaign has been all rolls, no socialising. All due to one Autistic fuck.
Rheios
Forget that. Force it in. Talk to YOURSELF if you have to. Maybe not all the time but a well worded. "This is why the vice penguin(1)
TheLordLucifersBannedAccount02
Yeah, tried multiple times. The DM and this Autistic Twat are just annoying.
Rheios
Do they yell at you and stuff? And how many people are playing?
Rheios
is so happy to do the follow your lead" - If that randomly spouted at some new quest doesn't get at least a baffled chuckle - boring.=P(2)
MrBananaBeak
A common joke is that a 1st lvl wizard can be killed by a housecat. This actually happened in one of my groups.
GrigoriGrimm
were you by chance playing rollmaster?
MrBananaBeak
Mayyyyyyyyyybe
GrigoriGrimm
well THERE'S your problem
TheBreadlord
I attempt to pet the cat. *rolls 1*
MrBananaBeak
He used a cantrip to fuck with the cat. The druid didn't like it, gave cat magic fang.
TheBreadlord
Brilliant.
MrBananaBeak
Rolled a crit. It was awesome.
globexcorporation
I almost died while picking berries. I kept rolling reeeaaally badly and getting pricked on the thorns. I almost bled to death.
mordrul
From what I've heard, back in the day an entire party would be wiped by a housecat.
MrBananaBeak
AD&D...absolutely.
MrBananaBeak
But once they got to like lvl 11 wizards were gods and fighters could still be killed by almost everything.
mordrul
Those were the good old days... mimics on the ceiling, crowns that would devour your soul...
MrBananaBeak
Hey man, I can make a crown devour your soul in 3.5 if that's what you're after.
mordrul
See, this is why I prefer to play barbarians. They have no use for crowns, except as trophies or to sell off.
thejollymolly
Have you seen an AD&D module? Everything poisons you or gives you some disease!
HeyItsJP
Cat scratch fever?
MrBananaBeak
Well, this one had a little...errr...help.
thejollymolly
Don't house cats do 1d3 damage? That'll kill 3rd ed or earlier wizard. :P
MrBananaBeak
Yep. Scratched his face up.