WiddlyBurtango
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Jul 2, 2013 1:53 PM
WiddlyBurtango
162295
14915
149
Folamh3
This would be really helpful if I could ever actually GET an interview.
BugJuiceComesFromWhoYouAre
Just reading this made me take a nervous shit.
tanadarko
Go in with as positive a mindset as you can conjur. Get yourself excited about the opportunity, the rest of these will come naturally.
JagdPanzer38T
Instructions unclear: shit pants during interview when the guy said he was an imgurian.
AenimaPot
Today i scored job in McDonald and Im proud of it! Its my first job and its going to be cool :)
rachelraxhel
good guy OP helping imgurians get jobs
shanekrhj
I'd let you know that my plants prefer coffee.
iamthisguy247
Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife....
LudicrousDisplayLastNight
DOING YOUR WIFE!.... shit.
ForeverTyrone
Made this comment. Scrolled down and found yours. Delete. Upvote. Comment. Carry on.
noneofmycommentsreferencemypenis
Get your shit together, Tyrone.
QueSi
I finally know what all that "keep calm, carry on" crap was about now...
iamthisguy247
Doing your.....son?
lynx88
Doing your..... mom?
BEARizona
shut the fuck up
TheImgurServer
Nailed it.
Andriod3000
haha i see what you did there :D
TieKneeWeKnee
literally
SofaKingMetal
Interviews terrify me. Once I got called for a group interview. They asked us to role play a scenario. I got up and walked out.
ballisticburrito
Since it's Starbucks they probably give you a job if you wear a fedora to the interview.
Goatchoker
Getting a job at a fast food restaurant is not this hard.
parkway
I once got feedback from an interview, and "poor handshake" was listed. Not totally sad that I missed out on that place.
JamesBluntThatSmartassCunt
Right your "girlfriend". Meaning you used your right hand to scroll and/or click around with your mouse.
OuroborosX
Describe myself in 3 words? Hard-working. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless.
kevdawg
I always have time to upvote a Dwight quote.
HiveinMind
*Penniless... *sobs in corner*
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
No joke - last applicant I interviewed gave us 9 words when we asked her to describe herself in 3 words...
OuroborosX
This is a quote from Dwight on the Office. But yeah, I have had that happen to me too.
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
Hahaha oh that's right I remember now! I wish we got more Dwight-type interviewees. That would be awesome.
Wobbler
Sometimes I wish humanity wasn't so superficial, but unfortunately you just have to play along.
drewism
Kind of pointless when nobody even calls you in the first place.
Deathwingx12
If you're going to try to work as a graphic artist, never use white text on a yellow background unless you can make it stand out.
VaSurfer87
I usually let out a massive fart after the handshake, alpha as fuck!
sixfoothobbit
During the handshake, sniff the other male and wave your arms above your head, establish dominance
Cavall
Don't forget to maintain eye contact while doing so, and don't let go until after concluding your flatulence.
youreasmellypiratehooker
I just tell them that I'm a very responsible person. At my previous jobs, whenever something went wrong, they always said I was responsible!
fallencrescendo
What is that?... Onion... onion and ketchup.
tremonti
Alpha as fuck.
dragonraven13
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AMgagxCvZQ
VaSurfer87
He was off to a great start, but didn't have the balls to commit to ownership. THAT'S where the alpha kicks in.
MonkeyStealsGrapes
Were you wearing a tuxedo and with your stepbrother?
theusernameformerlyknownastildo
As the interviewer, I'd say I'm going to get a glass of water, come back 20 min later with no tie, shirt untucked, and lipstick on my cheek.
VaSurfer87
Then I'd probably take a shit on your desk...
theusernameformerlyknownastildo
I'd then tell you about our no pants policy and remove them, folding them neatly beside your poo.
VaSurfer87
And I'd politely water all the plants in your office.
theusernameformerlyknownastildo
I'd let you know that my plants prefer coffee.
SuperDork42
After? No, during. Nice long sustained one.
weatherleaf
YEAH!
dunnski
We'll have so much more room for activities!
thiguy365
jobless as shit i imagine
VaSurfer87
Well, your imagination sucks :P
FartedWhileMakingUpName
I can taste it. I can taste it on my tongue.
panfriedpuppies
Unemployed too?
VaSurfer87
lol nah, my tactic worked like a charm. Just make sure you maintain eye contact throughout your release.
Lifeisunfairisntit
I suggest you fart in your hand first, and then give the interviewer a handshake.
MisterWho
It'll be like marking your territory.
VaSurfer87
A short burst maybe, as long as you still have enough for the main rupture.
RyoukoSama
4chan is leaking again.
anxiously
Lots of negative comments on here. No need. A job is a job. Don't be such a snob!
NickHW
It's not about the person, but more about how companies treat employees and prospective hires.
Coonninja
Yeah, it's so dehumanizing and shameful, somehow, this current 'hiring process'.
shep4569
I thought these things were common sense.....
Jeskabell
Favoriting for whenever I decide to get off my butt and get a job.
BellatrixImStrange
I literally got asked ONE question in my interview. 'Money is no object, tell me about your epic birthday party; all the details...GO'
AmIMadOrInsane
It'd be in mars and all my favorite superheroes and fictional characters would be there. Batman would allow me to drive his car(& him maybe)
AmIMadOrInsane
It's my dream, Of course I'm having sex with Batman and Wonder Woman. No Maybe.
BellatrixImStrange
'Uh..it's in space, Richard Branson is MC, the room is 0-gravity and the inside of a disco ball. There's astronaut ice cream and vodka/tang!
FuManLu
you are hired!
justlivinthedream
"Ahhh, two words: Hookers and Blow."
fuwad84
Protop: interviewer doesn't care about the answer. She/he wants to see how you answer that question and how well you communicate ideas.
lexaflex
wow what company asked you this question?
Wuz314159
What do you think scored you the barista job more.... The new Armani suit or the doctorate in Art History?
pretzelzetzel
LOLOL DAE le STEM master race??
sixfoothobbit
It was actually the unicycle
savvibleque
The truth of how wack ineterviews get- I concur.
artapparently
Guys. You are not going to believe this, but I have an interview at Starbucks tomorrow. Thank you so much for this post, OP.
Ilikethepenis
WELL HOW'D IT GO
artapparently
WELL I GOT THE JOB
RiddlersRevenge
Tell them you hate coffe or anything that taste like it. you will get the job no problem! <--- thats a joke don't do it.
procrastinatorpro
I work at Starbucks and I was just honest with my boss. I knew nothing about coffee and was coming from Tim Hortons. Been there over a year
RiddlersRevenge
lolz
thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog
Starbucks has corporate jobs...let us hope that is what this was for...otherwise this is a bit overkill for a job I had when I was 16
Iszekard
I was also thinking all that is a bit silly for serving coffee.
SalutMonCheri
Someone I know had three interviews to get a barista job which I thought was a bit of an overkill for serving coffee but hey
Iszekard
I was unemployed for 2 years and over the course of maybe 30 interviews I learned never to underestimate (1/2)
Iszekard
(2/2) how important it makes people feel to be interviewers.
SalutMonCheri
I kind of understand, I just graduated and am in the process of finding employment. Some of the interviewers I had were a bit...much.
Leavan
I believe no matter what it is, you should do your best in, whether it was corporate or the shop down the block. A job is hard to get atm
NickHW
Companies don't pay enough to deserve the best.
mikekearn
Yes, you should do your best, but at the level appropriate for what your goal is. Armani suit to an interview about a barista job? Overkill.
thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog
I agree, but at the same time, overkill can hurt when you are applying to a entry level job.
BigBlackNaginta
I was 16 when I started working at Sonic. I gave them a resume. They just kind of laughed. I got the job, but got teased for like a year.
FindAReason
You can never be too dressed up for an interview man
thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog
Oh yes, yes you can. I have seen it and it is bad. I have also had someone show up in PJ bottoms, bad too of course.
ShaineRaizel
A good rule of thumb is to dress one level above what would be expected of you to wear on the job. Of course you wouldn't (1/2)
oogittyboogitty
Upvotes for such a negative comment?
Balthor
There we downvoted your negative comment, is that better?
thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog
Not negative, but as someone who works in admin myself and hires people, a barista doesn't need all this, in fact it would work against them
oogittyboogitty
but they got the job so I guess it worked for them.
thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog
Maybe it was mngt. Glad they got the job, I just want to warn people to make their interviews fit what they apply to
Imsorrythatwasinappropriate
You said it less negatively than I did - with much better results lol
PeanutBuddha
How'd you land that sweet Starbucks gig? Oh, I can draw dragons and shit in latte foam.
procrastinatorpro
I told my boss I was coming from Tim Hortons and she hired me. Even told me she'd considered giving me her card before (it's a small city)
dro524
That no one will see because they all get to-go cups.
ilovebluegatorade
(1/2) As someone that once interviewed candidates for a major corporation...research where you apply before the interview!
pancreas
but that sounds hard. I'll just bluff my way through with my 19 charisma.
Anugunrama
I lol'd really hard. Thank you.
ilovebluegatorade
(2/2) nothing worse than someone who shows up and has no clue what your company does. Honestly, you could show up naked, but know what we do
whatajoke
Don't make me call that bluff...
JagdPanzer38T
Instructions unclear: did this at Mcdonolds, got manager's job.
ProsecutorsWillBeViolated
Hey, care to hire a hard-working young man?
jacmifish
Are you willing to relocate for McDonalds?
JagdPanzer38T
I'm sorry, all the positions here require someone with experience.
ISeeWhatIDidThere
And if they ask for your biggest weakness, don't say crap like "I get so involved in my work". We see through that BS. Just be honest.
ShaundraBelle
i'm literally a person who's biggest weakness is getting too overly involved in my work/perfection even my boss agrees with that. WTD?
trasneoir
Acknowledge that it sounds like bullshit, and stress that you genuinely see it as a negative...
pretzelzetzel
I always say my biggest weaknesses are my total lack of drive, hatred of authority, and propensity to steal compulsively. Works every time.
Metelex
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah
ISeeWhatIDidThere
I should clarify: Be honest without shooting yourself in the foot. Talk about things you struggle with and what you are doing to improve.
tanadarko
Exactly - if you're introspective about it, it helps. Also talking about things that are common issues.
Dominian
My biggest weakness is that I really don't like to go to work. Applying for a job is my way of working on that. (would be my answer I guess)
pancreas
Ok, I have to tell you something that may shock you...everything we say in an interview is a lie. It's a tangled web of bullshit.
Graphically
If I'm applying for a job in the animation industry, then I have to be truthful. My biggest weakness is the fact that I can get obsessive
Graphically
with my work if I don't feel it's the best I can produce. Even if it satisfies the requirements, I don't stop until I'm happy with 2/3
Graphically
the result, which has led to me spending weeks at college taking 5 hour energy drinks, monsters, and coffee to continue working on projects
Graphically
that I knew would receive A's for, but I'd keep working on them without sleeping until it was the absolute best I could produce.
ThatsMySecretCapImAlwaysHorny
Mine is I hate being asked questions from a book. Sorry, did you want the textbook answer?
Metelex
"My biggest weakness is lack of focus. I get distracted easily, have little self control, I'm not confident in myself. I'm usually tardy."
PoweroftheCrimp
Well, I have an obsessive personality, so that kind of IS one of my weaknesses, but I know never to say that because it will be seen as BS=P
trasneoir
I think it's a fine answer as long as you don't pitch it as an advantage in a lame disguise. Mention the Pareto principle.
ringringringbananaphone
You say that, but today during an interview I said that I struggle with attention to details, and kind of got told I would never work again.
bobsheadthreateningly
If they won't hire you for that you probably don't want to work there. I need things written down, I don't do verbal instructions well 1)
bobsheadthreateningly
If that bothered an employer (bc they do verbal instructions) then I wouldn't want to be hired by them. We'd stress each other out. 2)
ringringringbananaphone
You make a good point. I have a hard time distinguishing every job from the perfect job. I'll keep your advice in mind!
yules
Sounds like a douche, you were trying to be honest and he/she could not handle that. Follow your dreams.
NickHW
Most everything you hear in an interview is BS...
IncognitoMan
I say that my biggest weakness is answering that question. Or I use a goofy voice and say, "I'm kind of a perfectionist", then laugh.
AlleiraDayne
Expand on how you're a perfectionist; you're tenacious when it comes to projects and you always see them through to the end. Positive spin.
illegalacorn
DON'T do the perfectionist bit... first part might be good for some humor but evading the question isn't good either
TimeyWimeyDetector
Honesty will lead quite a few to admitting they're a borderline alcoholic or physically abusive. I doubt they would get the job after that.
Pyranamus
"What are your greatest weaknesses?" "Well, from time to time I like to punch me some bitches and get drunk until I vomit."
atatta
Ah, classic.
tritoch
Don't ask the fuckin question if you can't handle the answer.
eggmuffin
Thank you. "Make it seem like a strength" is bullshit that every interviewer is sick of having to listen to.
eggmuffin
A better answer would be one that doesn't relate to the job, like "I get road rage" or "I spend too much money". Everyone does that.
Acephalous
Stop asking bullshit questions then, HR monkeys.
ThatsMySecretCapImAlwaysHorny
Mine weakness is I hate being asked questions from a book. Sorry, did you want the textbook answer?
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
I'm now referring to my coworkers as HR monkeys! We hate asking bullshit questions.I try not to when I get to write my own interviews...
ArtificialCloud
In my last interview for a place as a salesman in a home furniture company they asked me how much does a tank weigh. myfucking_face_when.jpg
idalibut
For others, just say "50 tons" that's the middle between a light tank and heavy combat tank.
guzzball
Like an army tank? Fish tank? Propane tank?
ArtificialCloud
you are right, I'm sorry: in my language there is no ambiguity. An army tank, like a panzer.
queryable
"Do you want the answer in metric, imperial, or 'your moms'?"
pancreas
"Let me tank about that for a minute" IS HOW I HOPE YOU REPLIED!
ArtificialCloud
I was too surprised by the surreality of the situation.Another question:"if I asked your girlfriend what are your flaws,what would she say?"
KnuxTenma
My first reaction to that would probably be "Well, how much that matters depends on your view of horoscopes and astrology."
pancreas
"His penis is way too large. It threatens to fatally wound me during sex"
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
As a boss: 1) Ignore most of the Q&A portion of this 2) Practice good eye contact 3) Smile more
ARainbowInTheDark
As an unemployed, Hi Boss!
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
As a boss, I concur. As a former secretary: 1) don't be a jerk to the secretary - he/she WILL tell the bosses. 2) don't lie - we can tell.
purplebex
At my last job the first person you spoke to was hr. If you were rude to her she wouldn't even bring you to the interviews
PoweroftheCrimp
As a person with a lovely collection of anxiety and nervous tics, but amazing job performance, I'm glad that it does go beyond just that!
iamthesoviet
As another boss, I agree with all of this. To add: practice being relaxed in an interview environment. Nervousness is distracting!
aychland
As someone who never smiles, I'm now more convinced than ever that I'll never get a job.
rebeccaisafish
My partner never smiles and never has trouble getting or keeping a job. Just don't go for a job in customer service.
kleenexbox
Agreed! Also, if the interviewer doesn't ask, answer the question "What's in it for you?" And be honest. If nothing is in it for you...
rombom90
Hire me please?
Favri
As someone who just landed an excellent job - I agree with the boss above. (And with The Boss, always, but that's another conversation...)
BourbonAndFrisbee
Yeah I remember last time that was posted I thought those answers were bad. Still are.
LudicrousDisplayLastNight
Like a Boss
Kikage
I've gotten a fair number of job offers recently... I think it's because I smile and laugh a lot and am very enthusiastic about things (1)
TrippingPocahontas
As a person who isn't nervous but has a stutter (worse with eye contact), how can you get across that it's a speech problem and not nerves?
flashjohnson
As a person with a stutter, I truly believe it isn't the stutter you should worry about - it's the side-effects: lack of eye contact...
flashjohnson
...shiftiness, etc. if you're gonna stutter, then stutter but maintain eye contact and don't shift around too much. Be confident.
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
I wouldn't be put off by an interviewee with a stutter - just keep answering the questions and making mild eye contact. I also think 1/3
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
it's ok to say "I'm sorry, my stutter gets a little worse in interviews". I would totally understand - people burst out about 2/3
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
how nervous they are mid-interview all the time. 3/3
muftiman
people burst out about what?!
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
Hahaha sorry I was in the middle of commenting when Imgur went down earlier today.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
By telling your interviewer - preferably in a way that shows your good humor about it and helps him or her relax about it with you.
TrippingPocahontas
you know, I always thought of doing that... but my parents were always like "no, don't do that. it's not that bad." it's not, compared (1/2)
TrippingPocahontas
to my dad... but i still get stuck on some words. "s" and "f" and "y" in particular.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
Calling attention to it isn't suggesting that it's "that bad". Hell, I'd even mention that your parents always told you not to mention it!
BatmanLannister
As someone trying to find a new job, I must ask: Would you rather hire someone who already has a job but looking for a new one or unemployed
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
1 Always the underemployed person. It's not that no unemployed people work hard, but it's hard to tell them from the lazy ones.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
2 Everyone lies and everyone puts all their energy into presenting a good package for an interview. Actions speak louder than interviews.
tanadarko
I don't think it'd weigh in my position unless I needed the person to start ASAP. Then unemployed is the way to go.
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
Doesn't usually factor for me, since if they seem really great I'm willing to wait the 2 weeks. However, I once had someone tell me in an1/2
sampaniniii
TELL YOU WHAT?!?!
AcronymChallenged
Usually, someone that has a job is a better applicant. Be prepared to explain why you want to leave your present job though.
BatmanLannister
I'm currently waiting to hear back but so far, I've been unsuccessful. I thought the current job might be a reason because of giving notice.
tanadarko
If they need u to start in less than 2 wks, yer screwed. Either ur stiffing ur current employer w/ inadequate notice or they have to wait
trasneoir
"A" is available tomorrow because he'll leave his old employer in the shit. "B" is conscientious and available in a month. I'm hiring B.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
Also: if you don't ask any questions about the job, you will not be hired for it. Ask good questions and take notes.
[deleted]
[deleted]
trasneoir
Tell them that.
YallMothafuckasNeedCheeses
I just got a new job last week and a fair amount of the stuff on here is overkill. I think your points are good main ones to remember!
GlassPhysics
You're username made my nose explode.
LunarRai
If you honestly can not think of any questions, a couple of easy ones - "Is there a uniform?", "Can I have your business card?"
MaxPower
"How do you feel about a good asparagus and horseradish fart?"
fauxglove
I'm guessing as an employer you're looking more for genuine intelligent responses than canned "What I want to hear" answers to questions. :P
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
Yep. Biggest interview turnoff is when an applicant just blabs BS they think we want to hear. Honest thoughtful answers are the best kind.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
1 Sure, but you have to understand that almost everyone has one of the same 3-5 answers to every question asked.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
2 Best case scenario, you have an interesting but unforced answer that differentiates you. But even if you don't, how you carry yourself
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
3 can make your unremarkable answer much more interesting. Just be engaging, inquisitive, respectful, and don't screw up and you'll be good.
ballisticburrito
I hardly ever asked questions for a job and got every one I got a interview for.
[deleted]
[deleted]
ballisticburrito
Show up early and dress well. Shirts and ties are cheap at Walmart. Only questions I ever asked were about the shift and the pay, rarely.
IncognitoMan
Serious question to you bosses. The thank you letter. They seem like a bothersome waste of time for the interviewers. Would you agree?
alltherandom
The lines appear split on this one. I like getting them. Unless you're the world's worst thank-you note writer it won't hurt your chances
kleenexbox
I like them. I was on the fence between 2 candidates just a month ago. I hired the one that sent the thank you note.
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
I guess that's a good point - if you're really torn between 2 good candidates, a little thing like that can tip the scales.
CrabWallet
I like to send thank you notes for callback interviews, but not right away. I think it's good for keeping me present if I interviewed early.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
Yes, they are very close to a complete waste of time. A follow-up call works better for everyone involved.
joshmutiny
Maybe to you, personally, but it is actually common/best practice to send one.
TheChinamanIsNotTheIssue
Despite your slash, "common" and "best practice" are distinct. It may be common, but it certainly isn't best practice.
trasneoir
I'd consider them overtly manipulative, but effective. If you're interviewing for a sales related job, perfect. If not, don't bother.
cutecatpicturesarewhyimhere
As a boss, they're not bothersome, but they certainly don't change my hiring decision. At that point, you've either got it or you don't.
tanadarko
I agree with that.
IncognitoMan
That is kind of what I was thinking. The info graphic even says the decision is made in the first 90 secs.
chepeweb
what's that? The first kiss?
FancyFrance
Listing fake weaknesses are the people I won't hire.
blazera
I don't get hired if I list real weaknesses like procrastination.
ampelamati
procrastination, uncomfortable in social situations....i'll sure be hired!
FancyFrance
You want to avoid large character flaws unless you can convincingly describe how you've been working on them and made considerable progress
blazera
everyone procrastinates to some degree, you have to feign perfection in interviews it seems.
alicks
Actual weakness - candor. I tend to call out mistakes where I see them & can be less-than-nice about it, as in I don't pull punches. Y or N?
FancyFrance
Yes, but discuss how you're working on it/honing it in. People don't like a perfectionist, but accountability is very important.
Dominian
My weakness is that I care too much. I am too focused on the job. Too ofte do I go the extra mile without caring for myself. Like that?
FancyFrance
Precisely!
Dominian
What weaknesses do you look for in candidates :D ?