ryandickens
163600
6354
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Today starts the journey of me trying to get full custody of my son. I live 8 hours away from him and haven't seen him since the start of covid. His mother doesn't want to get him vaccinated amongst other crazy things. Just put my retainer down for my lawyer. Wish me luck ppl! Any other advice would be amazing. Love you guys.
Nertztoyouguys
I raised both of my kids as a divorced father; it’s totally doable. Just love him and do the work. Good luck!
j4gr
Make sure your lawyer is expensive.
sla31
dsmegst
Good luck.
RestackedSupply
Record EVERYTHING. Be civil at all times.
WARHAMMER405
This. But at the same time be prepared to do a little seek and destroy.
pimpdaddypenguin
Godspeed OP
ryandickens
Thanks ?
clubpingu
Lawyer here. Best interests of the child is paramount. Everything you say should be construed in that way. She will say shit in court 1/2
clubpingu
Documents that will hurt. Dont take the bait. Best interests of child. Thats the focus amd thats what a court wants to see
ryandickens
Roger!
dalmvern
As a father who has been in and out of court trying to get 50/50, the best advice I can give you is focus on your son's best interest 1/?
dalmvern
Be the parent who makes reasonable demands, who frames everything in the child's best interest, and does everything in a timely manner 2/?
dalmvern
If you demand full custody on the grounds his mom is anti-vaxx and that is all, you won't look reasonable and the judge won't favor you 3/?
dalmvern
I would suggest trying for 50/50 timesharing, but you get to make medical decisions based on her anti-vaxx stance. 4/4
EricksonOle
ryandickens
Thank you :))
Fauxcused
Also, vaccinating your son without her consent may cause you legal issues. Discuss with lawyer.
ThePolymerator
I'm in exactly the same situation to the letter, except I don't have the balls to take her to court. I hope with every fiber that you win.
Puddingslam
Here's some advice, don't get (legal) advice from imgur
Trankia12
Hey I am a lawyer! You can trust all my facts I didnt just pull up from google! I'm not just some rando with no lawyer skills, promise!
igniskonig
I trust this guy.
littlemissmixer871
Courts want the best for the child and ideally that is with both parents to so degree. Never bad mouth, document everything.
thebadplace
Make sure you understand everything that is happening. I have known fathers screwed over because they weren’t exactly sure but didn’t 1/
thebadplace
Want to ask because they didn’t want to seem dumb. If something anyone is stating is not fully understood ask for clarification. Good luck!
ApparentlyImaPsychopath
You got this!
ryandickens
Thanks
TimLordofBiscuits
As someone with an anti-vaxx, anti-5G, corona-conspiracy mother, it's a LOT to deal with. Having a normal conversation is almost impossible.
Ithinkiloveher93
My mom loves to berate my dad.....it sounds so weak when everything's her fault in the entire thing. Only makes me not want to be around her
rubber1duckie
My mam secretly vaccinated me because my dad didn't believe in it. This was 30 odd years ago. He was so cross when he found out! Worth it.
md724
Did you get autism?
rubber1duckie
Unfortunately. But sure look, it is what it is.
InternetPeasantry
Had a vaccination today. No autism yet.
MahSya
Vaccinations that are proven to be %100 effective against preventable disease should be required just saying
greydrakkon
A LOT more fathers would have custody of their kids if they just tried. You would not believe how many simply don't show up to court at -
greydrakkon
- and then howl how unfair the system is. You sound like you know what you're doing, and she sound like a nutbar, so good fortune to you.
[deleted]
[deleted]
greydrakkon
Doesn't mean the majority of the time dudes don't even try. You did, got burned, sucks. If every dude tried like you did then courts -
greydrakkon
-would take father's a LOT more seriously.
EnderPanda13
My friends mom and dad separated, he still came over on mother's day/holidays to help her cook and clean house for her, wven after she-
EnderPanda13
-met and remarried, the two dads were like brothers who just wanted to take care of her mom and her. I remember fondly going over & seeing-
EnderPanda13
-them fixing the house together, it was hard to tell who was married to who.
robotpanties
This is wonderful to see. It sets a wonderful example for the kids, and how to handle their own relationships. I wish more would put aside-
robotpanties
-thier BS and show a child that 2 people that maybe can't be married can be 2 civil and caring adults
PrincessPuffyPants
You and his mother get to deal with each other forever now, try to remain as civil as possible for the kids sake!
tiia3
Not forever, though. There will be time when you don’t have to ever talk to her again. Focus on that if it helps
PrincessPuffyPants
Yes, forever. Or for however long the child is alive. There's always graduations, weddings, etc. I know because I'm living it!
tiia3
Yes, I see your point. I meant the need to communicate about child-related issues. That ends when the child is adult. After that 1/2
tiia3
you don't _have_ to ever talk to the other parent again (of course you can if you want to). My parents did not speak after I turned 18. 2/?
tiia3
They both threw separate graduation parties for me. In my wedding I placed them in separate tables, both with their own relatives. 3/?
sweatybuttcrack
So, you stuck your dick in crazy did ya?
ryandickens
Oh boy did i ever.
tiia3
I hope life will be better for you in the future :) some day you can forget the mom for good
higaran101
Yea, you never see it at first, or you go fuck it what's the worst that can happen, and now here you are.
CantStopAddictedToTheShindig
I was gonna comment this!
foxmichaels
Good luck, dude! Noble!
ryandickens
Thanks pal :)
MeowMyOvaries
As an autistic person who hates the ever loving fuck out of antivaxxers..literally no fucking proof it causes autism. If i had a nickle
[deleted]
[deleted]
DrMephistoFromSouthParkColorado
expialadocious
http://www.howvaccinescauseautism.org/?fbclid=IwAR2iAqXRQni-v8NetD5KZckaardtuqhgRcRg5N-xZOnBzz_zaQZfngsaI24
marquettegoldeneagles
Hahaha I kind of expected that but was interested to hear what BS they were going with.
TheInternetShouldHaveAClosingTimeSoICouldSleep
I can lend you a nickel, if you don't have one.
MarleafChef
Lol "lend". Like we have nickels just lying around for people to borrow.
MeowMyOvaries
For everyone who brought it up to me, they’d all be stacked neatly and in order
LegalSeagul4
Yes, perfect punchline.
SirSmurfalot
Hello, welcome to the Aspie club. Thanks for sharing.
iExplainTheJoke
RodgerRodger
porpoiseoflife
296243
notallwholurkarelost
rbudrick
I'd donate a few bucks if we can get the pile higher.
HiPuddin
WARHAMMER405
I like the cut of your jib.
ensensu
Remember, you can engrave those nickels for profit.
Fleaofpain
Rahava
Try to get her anti-vaxx rhetoric on record via recording or screen shots of texts/social media posts. God I hope you get the kid.
bracketfungus
Use a coparenting communication app like Talking Parents for everything. Costs $5/mo, nothing can be deleted, and it's court admissable.
ILaughAndCryEveryDayFromU
@op feel like you should see this
ryandickens
One look at her facebook and the judge will see it. Also bill gates is behind corona virus too so he can chip us...?
yepitspuck
Everyone is saying it, but for real, document all that shit. Her lawyer is going to make her polish her online presence asap
MeowMyOvaries
Screenshot it anyway. Trust me, you want backups of everything
MonsoonPoultryHospital
I know one of those people, too. I wish you every bit of good fortune in your mission!
FistfulOfAssholes
Screen cap the fuck out of her entire page. She can delete that shit as soon as she gets wind of legal action. Might be crazy & not stupid.
ryandickens
Will do. Thanks!!
JHawke
Wonder how much proof a screenshot is when it is so childishly easy to fake it.
TavisMcNamara
It might make it easier to subpoena official records from FB, etc.
FistfulOfAssholes
Frograbbid
Damn you really stuck your dick in crazy didnt you
TheObstinateOne
Screenshots, otherwise she can just delete it. Get texts/calls as well to reinforce.
shitheadtookmyname
You can subpoena deleted stuff. Facebook retains it lmao
b1candy2
Takes longer. More expensive.
TavisMcNamara
That's harder, and having screenshots, etc. gives you easier access to subpoena if needed.
ryandickens
Good advice. On it!
ThoseWeidmanns
Piggy backing on that don’t have her name as the contact, just the number, names can be faked but a numeric listing looks better on records
SonderingStrike
Record literally everything, no judge will be angry at you for having too much evidence.
bracketfungus
Check your state's laws on this, though. Some require that both people on the call consent.
rosslyn
Recordings without permission aren't always allowed. Consult your lawyer before going to the trouble.
inspiringandfunnyusernamecoolheh
But if she posts it in public comments on fb, you should be able to use it.
TheBestestElite
Assuming you live in the USA https://www.justia.com/50-state-surveys/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations/
SonderingStrike
Any party in a conversation can legally record it without permission, at least in most places.
JoshuaS904
That’s typically the case where their isn’t a sense of privacy. Like public tirades. Private phone calls are different, state to state.
scatter
Some states are single party consent but others require both to be aware of the recording.
tzeeeeeeentch365
Not in public
SonderingStrike
To me that sounds ridiculous... especially since the federal government can record you without even a warrant.
gwenniechan
It is, but that's the law
clutchthepearls
Sure, but the law is different for different places. My state is single party, OP might be different.
ItsaJokeItsAllaJoke
It's an uphill battle for a man to get custody, but good luck!
Yumbojams
I'm a family law lawyer and this is untrue.
ItsaJokeItsAllaJoke
Thank you, I'm glad it changed. It was true for me 20 years ago.
lenomdeplume
Luckily for me, my ex was a full-on mental case. Bingo bango bongo.
DooDooDaddy
From experience, it’s an uphill battle for any parent to get full custody. Good luck!
Crockpotseal
Come to Canada, the law states that the mother gets automatic (assumed) custody unless the parents say otherwise. GL if you are the dad...
Crockpotseal
And the mom doesn't want you to have custody. Everest sized uphill battle
jdoeimgur
Same in Ireland. The legal framework says that the mother always knows best and has priority on everything. If the facts prove that she's/
jdoeimgur
a bad parent, then the facts are easily brushed aside to maintain the "mother knows best" assumption. As a father who did most of the/
jdoeimgur
parenting work, I was told that "I was doing too much" (no support for fathers), and that "I never did anything" in court. Evidence ignored.
sorryiguess
This has been true in the past, but things are turning around. Part of the problem now is killing the above phrase for good. No offense!
jridley
You should come to the rural areas of Michigan. There if you're in court and male, you're wrong.Unless your lawyer golfs with the judge.
MantisTobogganPilotMD
yeah. my sister and i really got screwed over because of this.
KeezieWeezie
:(
Mokelzwerg
Vaccination should be a big plus for him
LeftRightThere
I’m happy I did it, it can be done, but society isn’t built for us like it is for moms. I’m usually the only dad at sports and school events
leeempire
Getting all the single ladies
LeftRightThere
Not at all, they view it as a liability. Men date single moms, dads actively raising a child are outcasted.
KeezieWeezie
As a single mom, I would way rather date a dad with full custody. It’s a sign he’d be a good dad to my son and less drama with baby mama
LeftRightThere
And there is the flip side of the coin, the women who don’t care for you, but rather just want your daddy/provider side.
ryandickens
I love him so much. I need to try.
user1138017
I have no source so I do apologize, I remember reading something where a judge ruled in favor of the dad because the mom was an anti vaxxer.
gadaboutpoet
@op, check if your state has a fathers’ rights organization and/or specialized legal services.
awildcharmander
I feel like you have better odds as a man than you did in the 90s, but still, best of luck to you
IvanWestenbrug
FlashAnimator
Not complaining but that is exactly how I imagine random people giving advice online
ItsaJokeItsAllaJoke
One bit of advice. You need to prove he will be better off with you than her. Your lawyer should know that, but just saying.
ryandickens
I run a successful business, my parents are in love with him and well off..he has seen a doctor only once with her care
MaterNyx
I guess it will take more than that.
ThatTwerkingWhoreFromOliveGarden
By not vaccinating she's actively endangering your son. That alone should play a bit part in getting custody
ryandickens
She thinks a midwife visit is equal to that of a doctor visit. Im scared for him :((
ItsaJokeItsAllaJoke
Yeah I would be scared too! Good luck, I hope you win!
NoLongerLiving
How is that not grounds even for full custody? "She doesn't believe in science and medicine..."
inceptify
How old is the kid? Midwives usually stop seeing patients after a few weeks. At least, that’s what ours did.
donkeystothecastle
Midwifes are usually solely for pregnancy and birth not pediatrics. So that's fucked up.
Shellibobelli
Never bad-mouth his mom in front of him. Always be the steady, reliable parent. Eventually it will mean everything to him.
Ls1965
He will respect you a lot more for it too
cucumberboots
THIS. I love my dad, but he would bad mouth my mom constantly and it out a major strain on our relationship.
littlesqueak
This so much. If his mom is psycho, the least you can do as his dad is be as normal and respectful as you can. Parental animosity sucks.
bmermaid
Agreed. I hated when my parents badmouthed each other. And as much as I loved my dad, I liked being with my mom bc she had her shit together
Julesvernevienna
no. Tell him the truth once he is able to understand. My SOs Family just broke because he didnt know how crazy his grandma was
Shellibobelli
Truth can be told without cruelty. And it has to be age appropriate and helpful, not just accusatory.
muchLongerUsername
My mom is "we the jury find the defendant" crazy. My dad never said it, he let me figure it out for myself.
Aaronb1138
There is a difference between bad mouthing and being frank. My dad opened up about early years of marriage after divorce and it probably 1/?
Aaronb1138
prevented me from getting married to the wrong person a couple times. It was about him ignoring the warning signs of problems.
Shellibobelli
There's a way to tell the truth without being cruel. It sounds like your dad found that space.
kenjaco
Never give up, never surrender?
witchykitchen
This! My Dad never bad mouthed my mom in front of me, and made sure his side of the family never did too. It was really great
spank3000
This, surprisingly my adult son respects me despite what his mother said. Just sit back and be present for your child no matter the outcome
ryandickens
Great advice! Thanks.
Shellibobelli
You're welcome. It won't always be easy but I promise it's so worth it.
DatTicTacDikDoe
The kid will always figure their parents out. Speaking from experience.
Phenols
100%. No matter how painful, or what she pulls, take the high road. My ex openly told me she fucked with our kids to get to me. Never.....
Phenols
Blow up- show anything other than love. And be unbiased when you talk about the situation. Don’t try to elevate yourself, kids notice
CrazyBodyPilot
Yes %100 this! Her actions will speak for themselves and remember that she is his mom regardless of the issues you have with her
Batonrougeisnotsobad
You usually don’t have to. I let my kid think her dad hung the moon. Not my fault he vividly illustrated that he was a controlling douche.
jdoeimgur
And don't expect the mom to play fair. In Ireland, the mother can throw sh.t on the father and nothing happens. Fathers get sued for that
Vatatheo
It's pretty much the same in America. No matter how abusive, the mother almost always wins custody. It's getting better now though.
binaryspike
Maybe 5-10 years ago, but I hear it's gotten significantly better NOW.
Overcucumbered
Literally or figuratively?
ZackPizzazz
@jdoeimgur Don’t answer this. You know we can’t keep outsiders quiet.
unaskedtabitha
My ex & I split up when son was 1.5yrs. Ive done everything to be the steady parent, now hes 10 & my husband is adopting him! 100% worth it!
tiarali
Yup. My ex went to jail, so it's hard. He isn't a nice guy. But I can still tell the kids neutral things. He likes gardening etc.
Shellibobelli
You may have to say something like, "dad made a mistake but he's paying the consequences". Learning opportunity w/o badmouthing.
tiarali
The kids get some of their identity from their parents. If they think their parent is an asshole, they might feel neg. about themselves.
limonchiki
This. My dad constantly did this, my mom NEVER did (although my dad cheated on her), and in retrospect I lost a LOT of respect for my dad.
annabutt3rs
This!! Same with my dad! I hadn’t spoken to him for 22 years, have no regrets for cutting him off at all!
ryandickens
Yeah she cheated on me too :( i dont think he needs to know this though.
LurkerOfDarkness
At least not until he's an adult, and asks pretty directly.
CrazyBodyPilot
Similar situation for me only it was my mom who always trash talked my dad and his side of the family I have more respect for my dad and 1
CrazyBodyPilot
I have cut my mom out of my life because I have gotten sick of her constantly trashing my dad's side and telling lies about them
SkeletonRecruiter
Same here! Haven't spoken to my psycho mom in almost 8 years. Still have a great relationship with my dad & stepmom.
ItsReallyNotThatDifficult
Same but opposite. Mom talked shit about dad. Dad was reliable and honorable. Now, dad and I are bffs and moms been curbed for 10 years.
LadyMudkip
Both of my parents did this to me. Apparently they cheated on each other and were also completely faithful. I've learned to believe they 1/2
LadyMudkip
Were both shitheads in when they were married, but have since become better people.
OregonFlyer
This and document everything. Also, make sure to get her birthday and mom day gifts from your son to give to her. Divorced mom here
inFreArt
Yeah I definitely hate my parents for things they did to eachother that i should have never know about. So much bad mouthing
mailipsi
That’s great advice ??
Stabatha91
So so true!! My mum used to do that. I'm super wary of her now, just dont feel comfortable
JustTheCats
This. So much this. Keep your animosity private, be the bigger person.
bigboneded
This. Everyone's true colors are revealed over time.
BaxterTheMiniatureBuddha
My mom would vent to me during my parent's separation. It really messed with me. I hate when I see parents do it
Plutothinksyourmumistoosmall
Ditto, from both parents. Protected my brother and suffered with depression ever since. 2 years of therapy
Spark2510
Same
LunaIsTheShit
To much? To keep it simple all he cared for was being together didnt care about anything else. 2/2
Shellibobelli
Keep it age appropriate, and honest but kind. Once my son was 13, I told him about his dad's alcoholism, and that it was why his dad wasn't/
Shellibobelli
always able to be the best dad. But that his dad loves him and he was trying to get better and that it wasn't my son's fault.
Ch1ll1ng
same
SleeperXib
It kills me to hear my sister bad mouth her ex in front of my nephew.
FuckYeahImAwesome
My mum told me my dad wouldn’t have sex with her but would masturbate by himself. I was 12, I don’t know WTF she was thinking
IAmZephyre
Whoa! Are we... the same person?! My mother told me the same thing....
BaxterTheMiniatureBuddha
Yeah, my mom told me she found gay porn on my dad's computer and that she was secretly in love with our pastor. I was 13.
hewhopoops
I feel like I've watched a porno with a similar plot line
hewhopoops
BUT NO 12 YEAR OLDS IT WAS ADULTS LET ME MAKE THAT CLEAR
thebadplace
I know it shouldn’t but the all caps statement after the previous statement made me laugh so hard, thank you +1
MarcoPoloOnPollo
My parents both did it. I felt so conflicted on who to trust, and I imagine it only worsened my own self-esteem issues.
rumpleforeskinforthewin
My mom bad mouthed my dad all the time but as I grew older I realized she was actually right and I am better off without him in my life.
rumpleforeskinforthewin
Don’t get me wrong I hated her for it frowning up but as I got to know him in my own I came to see that he was unreliable and selfish.
rumpleforeskinforthewin
I am 28, own a house drive a decent car, have a job I enjoy and it all happened without him. I have no need for him now.
LunaIsTheShit
But what do you do when they start asking questions? Shes not there yet and ive never said a thing about him to her. Would the truth be 1/2
spankulus
Yep. She knew not to do it too and did it anyways. Then got upset when she was called out by my other siblings. Still does it.
SquareBeans
Same. Sometimes when my dad would drop me off it'd be full blown fights. It still happens now my mom messages me to message my dad & so on
BaxterTheMiniatureBuddha
Ugh, yep. I was totally the middleman for their arguments. Even at 30, I still act as the peacemaker in situations. I hate confrontation.
Hufflepufflerine
Same here, i feel you
SquareBeans
Yeah at 24 I still do it and I hate it. I dont live with either but I get the phone calls and texts so often
ramshackleackle
Don't be a conduit for their bullshit, try not to pass messages back and forth. Or just change them completely. "Mum says ok agreed".
SquareBeans
Sometimes I ignore them but often I dont. I get the calls and texts from them both and it gets on my nerves and sometimes destroys my day
ramshackleackle
It's bloody well YOUR day. That's why you called it your day. Do you and ask them politely to do them themselves. Tell them it ruins the day
SirRichardOfHead
When I was 12 I told my parents I will not deliver their messages to each other.
Hiboredimdad
Im in this.The hard parts come when you hear mom is badmouthing you.
Minx8
Ok so yeah, you are correct but you may find out later ex has been badmouthing you from the start and kids grow up thinking you are shit.
Shellibobelli
That happens, but the kids will make their own determination eventually. It's never ok to badmouth a parent.
Minx8
No I agree! I made a promise and I kept it. He didn't. My children believed for YEARS I had abandoned them. They were too young to remember
Minx8
It broke my heart bc they thought I didn't love them, he used my mental illness to blackmail me. Said a court would take away my visitation
Minx8
I was scared and homeless so I signed aJOINT custody divorce and then he moved them states away and made visits nearly impossible. Nightmare