LychFinderGeneral
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MRW I'm a priest in 30 AD and there's a solar eclipse, an earthquake, a blood moon, and the sacred Temple veil tears itself in half within moments and hours after we had the Romans execute that strange Rabbi.
I did not Pharisee that coming.
BadBoldBigNosedBiblicalBrother
http://m.imgur.com/1Ety2kl?r
malfunctionm1ke
MRW I have a Job interview as Tombstone in the morning
Br0doSwaggins
theubster
This joke is just sadducee
Coalbear
Then 3 days later he busted out of a tomb like a f-16 salvation fighter jet. Shit was wild back then. The good ol days
iBoulderDash
God damnit. Fucking Calamity Ganon and is fucking bloodmoon respawning monster bullshit.
BennyDreadful
Straight outta Nazareth
DLSRGuy
Mrw when on top of that some of the dead return to life
MrBojanglesWasMyFather
+1 for Pharisee pun
prfesser
Proof Jesus was married: he was murdered after a night of drinking with 12 guys.
awkwrdshittinpanda
And a hooker
kosmonaught
Hooker was his wife? Mary or something
pugglesworth
She wasn't a hooker. That was a different Mary.
tracereading
That last part was symbolic of the old covenant being finished.
DickSoup
11 minutes in and I can't believe you haven't been torn a new ass yet.
DarkSock
That's what she said… And by "she" I mean my cellmate...
SwizzlestickinmyDrink
anvilon
TheRealSpaghettiMonster
Damn, nice high-quality Firefly gif...
TheMightyKibbless
Shine on you crazy diamond.
bloodtypeinfinity
I'm looking at your comment and your username and I'm torn between making a JoJo reference vs a Steven universe reference.
TheMightyKibbless
Zoidberg it
bloodtypeinfinity
Fuck it. Why not both?
TheMightyKibbless
Holy shit
LychFinderGeneral
Oatmealmaiden
Oh my god haha
saintofchaoticgood
You forgot to mention the dead holy people walking out of their places of rest. Apparently that happened.
SomeOneYouMayKnowOrNot
It's been 4 hours and you've only got 18 downvotes. I'd consider this a success.
Arginotz
He is risen!
LychFinderGeneral
I guess sometimes things turn out okay!
ThunderCat27
lol I just like the Pharisee joke. Haha!
drapeImaginationMagnet
beardedheathen
it took me a while to Sadducee what he was up to
bloodtypeinfinity
Gentile think of a few more to keep this chain going.
RyanMcAllister
Jew can't be serious.
7thlevelLazerLotus
No need to get cross now.
zeacorzeppelin10
punchlineguy
Underbreath: oh huh oh shit sorry jesus
brightintempas
I wonder how many priests had a "OH S***!!!" moment.
DarkSock
A lot of them, in 2003, when they were told that the Boston Globe was on line 3 for them
Dudewalker1
Yeah! Serriously, fuck those guys......oh wait, nevermind, that was the problem all along
BubbaRunski
Zero. Because it's a story that was made up 400 years after the fact.
BigPookie320038
superwasabi
you sound fun
LychFinderGeneral
The historians of the day don't dispute it. They just blame it on less Heavenly means...
TheOfficialBuzzKillington
I'm buzz Killington and I think you must be fun at parties. Rethink life. Buy a puppy, invest in enron
meebit
I'm not harcore Christian by any means, but I think you mean WRITTEN after the fact.
allMypostsAreshitpostsbecauseIpostWhileIshit
Fabricated through literature sounds like a good way to describe it
RyanMcAllister
Since the creed of 1 Cor.15 was developed months after the crucifixion, you are incorrect.
TheDeanofLean
adamrac
Wow, good on you man, this was good.
psuedon
A Blood moon requires a Full Moon. an Eclipse requires a New Moon.
Pdan4
That's why it's so concerning
20sidedhero
3 Days Later:
BXHOVAYPCK
PRAISE THE SUN!
MikeArclight
It's ok, he's a pretty forgiving guy
MrRandom314159
I don't see why. You made a mistake but it looks like it sorted itself out.
RyanMcAllister
HodorIsADJ
Technically only 2 days. It was on the 3rd day. Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
AnimeisCancer
Maudy Thursday or however you spell it
Eneficus
That's when he was arrested
myotherusernameismyotherusername
Gotta give it to them, they took their right to a speedy trial pretty seriously.
Eneficus
Yeah, but it was pretty illegal in other aspects. Like there was no jury and you can't have it at night. But the jews didn't rebel so there'
Stolf
Well technically not really. His whole mission was to die so that our sins could be washed away
sociablyawkward
Thats a very self-fulfilling prophecy... like i mean... if youre born a mortal its born to happen. Great idea to base a superstition on.
Icommentwithnospaces
The way i see it is if im not sinning then JC died in vain.
ThenTheWingedHussarsArrived
What always bothers me is if God is all powerful, he could have just snapped his fingers and be done with it. But no, he chose to be in 1/2
ThenTheWingedHussarsArrived
the desert, not surrounded by scribes, waited 30-35 more years, had the rules of crucifixion ignored, and left no evidence outside anecdotes
Sfx6C
You might want to study more theology, then
TheGlow
I've always wondered. Is the dying enough or is him coming back make it more like a bounced check and void the transaction?
Arnoxthe1
Well, he did indeed have to die, but he didn't have to die THAT way per se. It was just foreseen that it would be so.
Arnoxthe1
"He came unto his own, and his own received him not."
ThatMomentWhenImgurJokesAreOnlyFunnyToImgurians
but they didn't know that
klaxor
Classic Retcon.
solarspyder
Solvanderlyn
For the people who crucified him it had to be a pretty big "uh-oh" moment
BlackScienceMane
They are forgiven as well.
Arnoxthe1
Sorry but no. Many that were involved in Christ's crucifixion were so far given over to darkness that they passed a point of no return.
BlackScienceMane
Although I agree that as a man those goobers shouldn't be forgiven by God, I am not God, probably for a very good reason too. :)
LychFinderGeneral
There is no 'point of no return.' Because "Where sin abounds, Grace abounds all the more."
NotYourAverageCakeSlice
Did you forget the part where Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do?" (Luke 23:34, btw)
TheDon850
This guy reads the KJV
Stolf
Actually when I still practiced I liked those thesis Luther Vandross nailed to a door
comehomefransbrauder
lmao! I can imagine, when Judas betrayed him, and Jesus was like https://giphy.com/gifs/r-kelly-alicia-keys-luther-vandross-aSP7IOXKYfE4w
TheDon850
You mean Martin luther?
Stolf
Yes. Is little joke
northcarolinaisbeststate
Whatever happened to Pontius Pilate? I liked him, but know next to nothing after the Crucifixion
1970sSalsa
He started this workout thing, he was smart to trademark it
DEP061
According to texts written by Josephus, he was removed from his post in 37 AD and send back to Rome after suppressing a Samaritan rebellion.
prismquartz
In the Book of Mormon expansion set there was no light for three days, massive earthquakes, cities sank, and wailing and screams.
yorhuckleberry
This post is awesome.
WilwoWaggins
I can't help but see Jesus saying in Arnold's voice, "I'll be back".
InternetExplorer2001
*33 AD
RyanMcAllister
*trued to decide if you are being serious or just...an imgurian*
Flyndaran
No one can agree on when he was supposedly buried because even the Bible is really sketchy full of contradictions of date.
Eneficus
When does the bible tell us when Christ died?
itsaworkinprogress
Guys? What's the story in the gif? I laugh every single time
IamJustHereSoIWontGetFined
.
Truesoldier00
He didn't out any water in his microwave noodles snd they just turned black lol
Spaceframe
Didn't he turn a hot pocket into a black brick in the microwave?
MohammadAtta
Finally a good religion meme. This is why I have a job.
LtKernelPopcorn
...and a psalm, and a proverb...
MohammadAtta
Less psalmy more planey
tehflan
This is an underappreciated joke.
justsignedupforthishit
It's AD 30, Father.
40pctdolomite
And now we commemorate that original zombification by giving out chocolate bunnies and painting hard boiled eggs... humans are weird.
Shadehawk
something something pagan something something fertility something something rabbits fucking.
40pctdolomite
Do Pagans believe in zombies?
Shadehawk
i...dont know? they believe in magic so id have to assume they must believe in SOME form of reanimated corpse
40pctdolomite
Perhaps... Haitian Voodoo tradition is heavy on the magic but i thought European pagans were more earth/nature worshippers.
GeneralWhisker
lol I wanna read The Gospel according to a Pharisee. That part would read like GOP quotes after ACHA fell apart.
LychFinderGeneral
Interestingly, in life they generally accused Jesus of sorcerery, though they never denied his miracles happened.
GeneralWhisker
Nobody likes to call it a miracle when hookers are involved.
NexiKuro
TBH I always found that part of the bible such a fan fiction moment. Of course the entire book technically is fan fiction but still.
GeneralWhisker
lol I've never thought about the Bible that way. Gotta say tho, even if you're atheistic/agnostic, the book of Ecclesiastes is bomb.
FoeOfFauxPho
No way. It's canon.
NexiKuro
The new testament is mostly a bunch of accounts of Jesus written by his fans, it's fan fiction. Best case scenario it's a biased biography.
GeneralWhisker
And then there's the Book of Revelations.
biggestred
There's no book of "Revelations"
FoeOfFauxPho
Fan faction is when amateurs take the same universe as professional writers and add to it. Say what you want about the Bible, but it just
FoeOfFauxPho
isn't fan fiction.
andrewbert
A priest? Didn't those come later on or were there priests in earlier religions?
StarvingGarbage
Shut up.
andrewbert
To everyone downvoting this: he's my roommate and is commenting this on all my comments. But don't let that stop you from downvoting him.
StarvingGarbage
Shut up.
andrewbert
NO, GET A FUCKING LIFE. NO ONE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE(even though he really is IRL, he's a cute little tubby man baby)
StarvingGarbage
No.
1970sSalsa
Over 1000 yrs before that around Moses and probably even before that
andrewbert
I get that there were clerics of other religions. I just didn't know they were called priests. Wouldn't Moses have been a rabbi?
VanDerJoik
You do know of other religions right? And a number of those predates year zero by quite alot....
andrewbert
Yeah, I don't, however, know what clerics of different religions are called. I've only ever heard priest referring to the Christian ones.
andrewbert
It was an honest question, I'm not sure why you feel the need to answer like an asshole and imply I'm stupid.
imgurforants
Priests were the go betweens God and man, after Jesus died Christians believe he is the high priest now. The curtain was a symbol of the
imgurforants
separation between God and man and that's why it's important it was torn from top to bottom. Was a thick curtain too, 4 inch thick,
imgurforants
30-40 feet high.
Munchman347
Almost 1500 years BCE there were Priests of Mithra, he was born of a virgin on December 25, supposedly died and was reborn 3 days later...
Munchman347
...All the newbie religions cribbed from the popular ones back in the day. Just re-name 'Horus' day to 'Zeus' day and you've got converts...
andrewbert
Not sure why you're being downvoted, I asked a question and you provided an answer.
Munchman347
When any group asks for belief without proof, facts can be annoying reminders that your heroes have feet of clay...
Spaceframe
someone actually believes the Zeitgeist's stance on religion lol. It's best when Acharya S. is sourced, and she sources herself.
andrewbert
I think that was from Religolous, but I never saw Zeitgeist, so they might have said it there too.