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My sister has been in the hospital for various health issues and had a heart attack while in the hospital a couple days ago. I got a call from my mother this morning telling me my sister's brain activity is stopping so she'll be dead soon.
I had cut off contact with my sister years ago because of her verbal abuse. She's the kind of person who, when you're fighting with her, will automatically go to the most hurtful thing she can think to say in the moment. During one of our fights she said something that I felt was truly evil to me and I stopped talking to her for years. Now that I know she's dying I feel conflicted. I still think it was the right thing to cut contact but I have a lot of grief and loss that I'm feeling and I'm not sure if it's because I still love her or if it's that I'm mourning the loss of what might have been or if I'm mourning the memory of what it was like when we were kids I still think it was the right thing to cut contact but I have a lot of grief and loss that I'm feeling and I'm not sure if it's because I still love her or if it's that I'm mourning the loss of what might have been or if I'm mourning the memory of what it was like when we were kids.
I don't expect this to get any traction I just had to get it out of my system.
BigRedTX
This may need the help of a professional. If you have the means to get therapy to help you unpack these feelings, it may help you to process them in a safe and healthy way. I just know that's not always feasible
CALAMOSCOPYJANE
I’m really sorry this is happening for you, I’m sure it’s hard going through it. Conflicting feelings are tough. I don’t know what to say other than relate my own experience, you’re not alone. I had (have?) a sister with BPD (borderline PD) who was abusive to me from very early childhood. As an adult, every cult of years for decades I tried to bridge the gap, but that just made her more abusive. I finally gave up. You had to protect your own peace. You did the right thing. Huge hugs.
hedgewizard
Fwiw, it's probably a combination of the last two. You're losing whatever good there may have been in the past, and whatever potential good there might have been. So grieve your losses. When I was younger, there was someone who worked very hard to make my life as hellish as possible. Several years later, there was a sense of loss. For me, it was losing something that helped make me who I am. Eventually, that loss faded away. Yes, process your grief, your feelings, and move on.
littlecoatfatguy
It's common to lose a relationship years before the person passes away, but never properly grieve the loss at the time.
Consider spending some time with a professional who can help you process this and work through it.
empressbobobell
Have you considered that you could also mourn the probability of a reconciliation? When she’s gone, you’ll never get a sorry for what she said to you. Chances are low anyway, even if she’d live on…
Neurisko
There's no one right way to mourn. It's not your fault she was the way she was and it's not your responsibility to fix other people.
CheesecakePi
Grief can be weird, and people process it differently. That's okay, and it doesn't sound like what you're going through is anything unhealthy. It's fine to be both upset and not upset, our emotions about family can be strangely contradictory and muddy the waters of what we think "grieving" is supposed to look or feel like.
TexMexHex
My father was my biggest bully. When i heard he had killed himself, a massive wave of relief washed over me.
REOJackwagon
Reasons to go
- if you feel you have anything you need to say to her
-to be there for other people at her bedside
-will it bug you later if you don't go
-possible closure
Reasons not to go
-it sounds like they already aren't part of your life
-they seemed to be abusive, will they be that way now
There's no right or wrong answer
RunawaySpoons
Grief is hard anyway even when we have a good, fairly simple relationship with someone. Throw in complications like you've had and boy is it magnified and so much more complex.
Maybe think about how you would feel afterwards if you did go, and think about how you would feel afterwards if you didn't go. There may be no right answer for you, but you want to make the choice that is most likely to be one you don't later doubt. Either one will be difficult because of the complexities of your →
RunawaySpoons
relationship and history with her.
When a relative died with whom I had a fairly uncomplicated relationship - cordial, I fundamentally loved her but she was not a warm person - it brought up lots of complicated emotions I never realised I felt about her and our relationship. It really hurt.
So I can only imagine how much more painful this is for you, with everything that's happened and how you feel about it all. Sending so much sympathy and I hope you are able to grieve the way you need to.
Flodos
Sounds like "good riddance" to me.
missiletowe12
Well, you cut her off, you didn't take an oath of silence. You can feel different today than you did when you made the cut. Let yourself feel and go from there.
charondaboatman
I’m sorry for your loss, both while she was living, and soon now, to be gone. Peace.
IMPICKLERICK
Not feeling anything is a sign of a sociopath. You can hate someone but still feel bad when bad things happen to them. You cut her off for a reason, and even if she had some weird death bed "come to jesus" moment where she is truly sorry for everything she ever did to you, it doesn't matter. If she was truly sorry, it wouldn't take fear of death to force her to admit it.
Grieve the loss of the good in her, then move on.
CALAMOSCOPYJANE
I feel like that first opening sentence and the rest of that comment were written by two different people.
LeekofLegend
Lol I love how we all have issues with a different sentence 😂 the one I care more about is the bit about if they are "on their deathbed they don't mean it". Honestly that whole comment could have been four different people
CALAMOSCOPYJANE
Yeah good point 🤣
deadlyJumper
I think that first sentence HIGHLY depends, man. I felt nothing when I was told my grandpa had died from his cancer. I met the man maybe 10 times in my life up to that point but besides him being blood I didn't CARE about him. I was just there because my mom made me be there. It's people saying "if you feel nothing then you're an inhumane monster" that made me have to do performative grief on the spot because if I didn't then I would be a monster. A kid shouldn't have to go through that.
IMPICKLERICK
What i meant is more so that it is natural to sometimes feel bad even though mentally you know you shouldn't. But yeah, worded it very poorly
deadlyJumper
Yeah that makes far more sense. Emotions are difficult and logic doesn't stop the body from experiencing them if it happens. Even for reasons that make no sense to you.