Herebychoice
126472
1397
17
Mar 5, 2023 4:54 AM
Herebychoice
126472
1397
17
RolandLovecraft
“We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.”
Treblaine
What about that sex scene Giles Coren wrote? That ended with "He came three more times in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro."
AGiantSlor
Somehow... Palpatine...
shitheadtookmyname
Interestingly the second Story started out as a fan fiction for the first story in that picture
PineappleIsDeliciousOnPizzaFightMe
The first line is much much worse.
Rainbowdaesh
https://youtu.be/XkLqAlIETkA
Noitsnotgoingtobefine
I had forgotten about this gem
nopost
https://imgur.com/wEUGfCf
forensicfilesbestofseason1
The difference is James was trying to connect with the hip young people by using their current lingo. Meyers was just dumb. Both failed.
ballsoutflyer
"somehow palpatine returned"
somnif
I'm still not sure which annoyed me more. That line, or the fact that his big return speech was only heard in a Fortnite tie-in event.
Zeterai
They stole the idea of Palpy coming back from the EU, but not the execution, pacing, or quality of that arc.
ChelVanin
I want the Chris Sabat audiobook, narrated entirely in the voice of Vegeta.
RolandLovecraft
“Far Out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.”
Freakscar
But that author wrote, like, the polar opposite of "bad english lines".
LaundryNight
AManWithoutNoName
"The pristine wilderness, where man had not stepped on his feet, provided shelter for the silent moccasin of indian warrior."
AManWithoutNoName
The first sentence in the "translation" of an American book. The original book says something else.
sothisishowashitpostfeelslike
"I don't like sand."
thatwoodguy
That's a person who's read a lot of erotica, I don't see how people can consider Fifty Shades of whatever a high water mark of any kind.
InoffensivePablum
His voice was warm and husky like a fresh tamale.
kakistocratxvi
"I'm very angry," said the angry man angrily.
yourfriendlyneighbourhoodtzimisce
AutoBat
50 Shades was originally a Twilight fan fiction then removed the vampire bits from the story
GanondorfLink
I thought it was a no powers AU from the beginning, and what got changed for publishing was the names?
thevortexmaster
She had a tattoo too
RolandLovecraft
“It was a pleasure to burn.”
whiskinputwarbles
Haven't read it, but that second one tells me in a sentence the character of the narrator. Pretty expressive, if intentional.
dukegonzo
Yeah that's how I read it. (Not gonna read wither of the books though)
VCJunky
Ugh... none of these are better love stories than Twilight
MightyMile
*Atlas Shrugged
shmoogeeoogee
They ARE twilight
LurkingAtTheOffice
Isn't New Moon the sequel to Twilight?
RolandLovecraft
I believe you are correct, it’s in there and comment is uninformed. Yes, I did read all of the Twilight books and her seed/pod stand alone.0
sparkletempt
And 50 shades is fanfic of twilight actually
VCJunky
i guess that explains this
michaelfire
The sea was angry that night...like an old man returning his soup....
RolandLovecraft
“The Man in Black fled across the desert and the Gunslinger followed.” 20+yrs later and I’m still blown away every time I start it over.
Monocular0
The Twilight line is objectively bad. It's actually impressive how condensed its badness is. The other one just reads like first-person POV.
Monocular0
I would've replaced "husky" with "rich" to make the comparison work, but the "or something" part is just the narrator's voice.
Feralkyn
Excellent call.
RustyNeX
As an amateur writer, this is the most inspiring thing I've ever read! If shit like this can sell, I still have a chance!
Mobouncetotheoz
You sure as hell do! Fellow writer here, whatcha working on?
RustyNeX
not sure i'm ready to talk out loud about it lol, what about you? and how the hell do i find people to review my work?!?
Mobouncetotheoz
Haha that's ok! Sometimes the anonymity on here can be liberating tho. I'm working on a cozy mystery series w/an interior designer for pets
Mobouncetotheoz
As the protagonist. In terms of reviewing, I think: well-read friends/family, internet writer groups & freelance editors on Upwork/fiverr
RustyNeX
thanks! fiverr actually looks like it might work out! friends and family has been a bit of a dead end!
anononanonanona
Just write porn, problem solved.
Sensiblyinteresting
And have Martha Stewart voice the audible version. Solid gold
lucidbarrier
MushroomFiend
I'd agree, but there's a deep curse with these sort of books. They sell because they're derivative and pandering.
RustyNeX
valid point.... though maybe there are other books that are as bad but have still sold and been published etc?
Soulshade
I opened fifty shades of grey once.. For fucks sake. I have read some fan fics from back in the myspace era that were a better read.
GanondorfLink
If those included time skips then they were better written Fanfic too.
AThreeFootTallChocolateMooseWithFudgeEyes
i mean... 50shades is fanfic (technically)
DSREX
I love reminding my wife of this, she is a fan of both. Never ending torment from me.
DJThuglifeSupreme
BenderRodriguezz
Red White & Blue Thrift Store: "That flaming bastard better not park there..."
SkynetWithAPoopKnife
pxlphile
Looks like CGI because there is no reflection of the fire in the water?
TuckerCarlsonWarnedYouTheredBeGirlsLikeMe
That plastic lid would melt real quick.
LegoStomper
100% CGI, but still a funny joke
Cilvaa
It is. I have the original clip saved somewhere (for making memes a few years ago) and there is no fire.
pxlphile
Awyiss Sherlock achievement unlocked!
MandalorianHybrid1
Twilight is perfectly average. Not great, not bad, just "meh". 50 Shades is an assault. If you have ANY knowledge of English, the books hurt
Elvirana
Twilight is like fast food: cheesy, unhealthy, but sometimes a guilty pleasure. Reading 50 shades is like getting food poisoning.
Sensiblyinteresting
It worked so well because it's demographic was people who haven't read a book since high school and barely made it though that one
Quessir
The last Twilight film was over a decade ago. The only people talking about it are those who hate it. Twilight fans have long since moved on
resworn
If it's genuinely "average" then that breaks my heart 8(
somnif
Given it started out as a Twilight fan fic, that's really shouldn't surprise anyone.
LAMovieDesign
I don’t know, it’s pretty bad.
Heisanevilgenius
My favourite thing about Twilight is that Meyer took horror tropes and turned them into romance and then accidentally made horror again
Heisanevilgenius
I don't mean horror like "ha ha this sucks", I mean like EDWARD GIVES BELLA A C-SECTION WITH HIS TEETH AND JACOB FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE BABY
Monocular0
Haven't read either, but the examples cited would suggest the opposite. The Twilight line is impressively bad.
FoxPesdassi
"50 Shades of Gray is to literature what candy corn is to vegetables." -- Bill Maher
yourlocaleconomicsnerd
Candy corn is good, though
Emulen
Not great,not terrible*
chibizel6
I thought the problem was with the Spanish translation, so I tried the English one... and nope. NOPE.
abemunch
I still wanna know what an inner goddess is
Volmaaral
Yeah, I never read past like, the first bit of Fifty Shades. And that was out of morbid curiosity alone.
stinkingyeti
My dad tried to read it cause he heard of the popularity, he told me he picked it up and i started laughing and he's like, oh, you know ten
Psilocybinaut
Your dad is 10 years old?
stinkingyeti
oh fuck, that was meant to be "then", sigh
Volmaaral
I did read all the Twilight books from sheer boredom, but they were, as said… pretty average. The movies were worse.
Volmaaral
…weird imprinting on the baby thing was bad all around though.
TheMythicalJackalope
The author is Mormon annnnd apparently it has to do with a fundamental Mormon concept
MandalorianHybrid1
So was watching her sleep for months on end before getting caught.
kaoticgirl
Are we talking about twilight or 50 shades, here? I haven't read or seen either.
alex5775
Yeah, 50 shades is worse, but Edward Cullen is a walking red flag and it's gross that Meyer framed that as if it were romantic/desirable
samwyze
I prefer to read the 50 Shades Generator.
jimfalconer611
Yeah, but have you tried being a repressed 55-year old Christian American woman?
Dogman1227
Nah, I'm too much a slut for that nonsense.
ItsHardToBeatboxOnADigeridoo
I gave that up for lent
Noahbalboa82
Only on the weekends
dirrrtypiratehookerrr
Twilight is written for teens. Not clear on what made 50 shades rise so quickly. But it must be the mercurial fan base wanting an easy read
jscuster
Boomer and Gen-X suburban housewives read a staggering amount of porn disguised as romance. The market was always there.
dirrrtypiratehookerrr
You're right there's a ton. But 50 shades was so simplistic it hit different and marketing pulled in the curious. It went viral.
dirrrtypiratehookerrr
Btw mercurial its in 50 shades says it probably like 50 times about Christian.
PancakePeddler
I just remember an aggressive PR-campaign for the 50 shades books. It was everywhere.
TheAngryMarineBiologist
Honestly Twilight is no worse written than Harry Potter, yet one gets loathed and the other lauded by the internet.
FoxPesdassi
I think a big part of HP's popularity comes from when the Christian Right attacked it for being Satanic, causing everyone else to defend it.
ReasonablySorryButNotTooMuch
But isn't HP aimed at a younger audience? Like HP is for 12-16 year olds, and Twilight for 16-20 or something?
BishlamekGurpgork
The thing is, HP is for kids. Children can deal with a fantastical world that looks away from a few rational principles and hold the world
BishlamekGurpgork
together. And adult reading twilight, you can pretty much immediately feel what doesn't make sense. Like, just use your vampire money to
BishlamekGurpgork
popularize glitter makeup and stop creeping on high school girls, you pervert.
DanCodyComics
Can't I hate both?
AfterTheRainComesTheRainbow
It's assault to the English language and to the BDSM community
MandalorianHybrid1
I agree on that. I've read better BDSM erotica in the last month than that book. And they even pointed out consent and hey! No stalking!
yourlocaleconomicsnerd
It's so clearly written by someone who thinks that BDSM means abuse and control.
AfterTheRainComesTheRainbow
Yep. If only the author had access to a network of information where they could have researched this! /s
[deleted]
[deleted]
AfterTheRainComesTheRainbow
Lol yep
jimmyriba
Yeah, it's kinda bad that 50 Shades was millions of women's "introduction" to BDSM. It shat all over everything that makes it safe and sane.
WoodyGoodman
athomp78
…as he thrust his purple-headed warrior into her quivering mound of love pudding
RolandLovecraft
Item 1. Fucking, ew. Also, Belinda needs to cool it a bit, or see a therapist. Jeez!
cheeseguy3412
As hot as a half fucked fox in a forest fire. That... is effective imagery, at least!
ElbowDeepInUserSub
Is this some sort of a study to prove that all books with a character named "Belinda" are insufferably terrible?
WoodyGoodman
You're not familiar w/ "My Dad Wrote a Porno"? I'm not much of a podcast guy, but it's Fkn funny https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1aBNVutPX8
THEMOXABIDES
“Belinda Blinked” is a work of literary genius
WoodyGoodman
HeroofTimeampersandSpace
Archaon6044
Number 18 is amazing though!
dontrike
I laughed so incredibly loud at 10.
SerenePrincess013
Suddenly, my last foray into smut writing doesn't seem nearly so bad.
notacobra
DisgruntledFerret
Ah, Gilbert Gottfried. Good night, sweet prince.
Noitsnotgoingtobefine
My eyes are burning after reading that!!
jojagiraffe
All from "Brlinda Blinked" from the podcast My Dad Wrote A Porno. Ive listened to this too many times to count and I laugh so much everytime
PineappleIsDeliciousOnPizzaFightMe
He…pushed through her cervix and got to her ovaries? That would be painful as fuck and he must have Plasticman’s dick
Feralkyn
I get the strong impression given all those quotes that they are not meant to be serious
Acc87
when you swap sex ed with hentai
TheLookAndFeelMUSIC
The pain women have to go through to get pregnant, alas, it's the way of nature.
glitchead
I mean luckily when you get aroused enough you just FLEX YOUR CERVIX and the muscles open up, right? Everyone can do it haha.
TheGhostMinx
lurkylurkylurky
Jesus, Jim needs to keep his shit to himself.
iwishidpickedabetterusername
Fuck yeah! Belinda Blinked!
redtwostandingby
And they say romance is dead
HOOMANGUY
This gave me motivation to work on my book again. The bar is way lower than I thought.
pumper
Just write smut for middle aged housewives and you'll be set no matter what trash it turns out to be.
Hellscourge
To help with motivation. I once read a fantasy book priced at 11,99 from the local airport. Generic 'farmer boy saves elven princess' tropes
Hellscourge
asiide, stands the elven bodyguard out the most. Hundred years of experiences. Dual wields katanas that have been passed down her lineage.
Hellscourge
Gets taken down by a pitchfork and looses her blades and never looks for them ever again.
baldewok
How much did the therapy cost you?
GanondorfLink
To be fair, that is the appropriate response to losing while dual wielding Katanas. Also a pitchfork is basically a shitty spear, and
CrimsonLobo
Yay! Belinda Blinked! The greatest podcast I've ever listened to.
ItHappenedInThe20thCentury
POMEGRANATES
PackedCatMeowingPowerDensity
"Good heavens, that was a powerful portion of sex." Some 18 century time traveller trying to get with today's languages.
SniffsMcgee
Rocky Flintstone is a fucking golden wordsmith
CaptainThePirate
Some…of the skin fell to the ground???
DimwitF
He'd had a procedure done to increase his dick size, which resulted in a lot of skin sloughing off during use. Also, blue cum! Seriously.
Leucienweaver
I am uh... I'm curious and worried as to how you know all that.
DimwitF
Check out the podcast "My Dad Wrote A Porno"! 3 friends read aloud through the exceptionally dubious erotica written by one's dad.
lordofthedice
Well, it was a monster dick. Maybe it was molting.
mithiwithi
At least it didn't have pincers.
ItHappenedInThe20thCentury
yo, Superman,
Elephanthead
iv gotta say 5 got a good chuckle.
bettiebettiebobettie
My absolute favourite podcast. I just started book six.
eggmuffin
"...as she did so, some skin fell to the ground." That's not supposed to happen.
saucefornoreason
I remember seeing one on here that talks about the woman sticking her clit in the dick hole
SirBillington
Not once was fluorescent blue sperm included on this list.
SniffsMcgee
I too was disappointed:(
ZebAsiz
I'll be honest, 19 has my attention. Is Jim's secret that he's a zombie?
SirBillington
If you haven't listened to my dad wrote a porno, you should. I don't want to spoil the fun here.
Feralkyn
Some of those are fucking amazing
mackemforever
Listen to the My Dad Wrote A Porno podcast
jinbee
Maybe I will.
jojagiraffe
It is the funniest podcast ever. The book is hilarious, the presenters are amazingly funny. I've relistened too many times
DimwitF
I guarantee you, it's the most hilarious attempt at smut ever. Written by a pensioner with no skills whatsoever at writing, dialogue...
DimwitF
...characterization, sexiness, or basic anatomy. But lots of heart!
NancyReaganSchoolOfGawk
The fuck?
Crowlands
That second one totally sounds like something I'd hear outside a few clubs and pubs around midnight.
Xcalibar25
Is this from an article or list? Is there a link?
AbelardSnazz
It’s from the My Dad Wrote a Porno podcast - well worth checking out
PrincessBride1
If this is a sampling of the contents, no fucking thank you. Good day, sir.
WoodyGoodman
I'm not much of a podcast listener, but It's truly a mortifyingly hilarious car crash. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1aBNVutPX8