Godzillaismyrealfather
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Now, it's not like I'm bringing this stuff up as an opening conversation on a first date. I feel that it's an important conversation to have before things become serious, and I don't blame anyone if it's a deal breaker.
I would much rather have it be a deal breaker then instead of like with my last official girlfriend. She knew I was in therapy going in and then broke up with me, with her throwing my history of depression in my face.
knifewrench
Society is coming around, in large part due to people like you.
abyssfiend1
Advice I got from men and women was to not be myself, they'll be more understanding once the're in the relation already.
schtomp
Doesn't sound like she broke up because you were in therapy, but because of what you were in therapy for. Everybody gets their dealbreakers.
schtomp
Supporting someone through significant issues is hard, and some people may just not have room for that. Better to know that early, really.
HeyOP
Might be less about raising the fact and more about what you say when asked "why?" or whatever variation of follow up question they use.
ARoseByAnotherUsernameWouldSmellAsSweet
Yeah, poured my heart out to my then girlfriend before going on a work trip, she barely called and dumped me when I got back. The boys
ARoseByAnotherUsernameWouldSmellAsSweet
always listen and help. Now that‘s making dating difficult because I‘ve become pretty open about myself… I‘ve been told directly that that
ARoseByAnotherUsernameWouldSmellAsSweet
isn‘t manly and that I should „deal with it“ and not „bother everyone“. My real friends aren‘t bothered.
nojustsayitdont
No need to be so upfront about it right away. I understand you trepidation but A simple mention may suffice rather than your full medical.
PinktTaco
1Agreed. Everyone comes with "baggage." It's not necessarily something you need to mention in depth on a first date. Or even act like going
PinktTaco
2 to therapy isn't completely normal. Mentioning that you have a history of depression but manage it successfully seems more relevant.
caranlach
Find a woman who is happy you're in therapy. My girlfriend often tells me how much better things are because I'm in therapy.
mugsy1986
If a guy told me he was in therapy, that would actually be a green flag for me. It means he’s doing what he can to better his life.
alsoAzrael
It also means that he can afford therapy. :D
Haemaelaeinen
Oh yeah, my ex-wife did that throwing depression at your face after I caught her cheating me. Mine at least is copeable without meds...
PleasantPeasantPheasant
Therapy isn't the deal-breaker for me, it's the depression. I'm sick of being a rock. I want to be equals, not a caregiver.
notacobra
As always I feel like this is half the story. Therapy is largely normalised, especially for depression. What else happens when they ask why?
Eaz84194507
Indeed, maybe they simply dodged a bullet by avoiding someone who craves constant re-assuring and blaming everything on his "depression".
QueenOfTheFey
Not saying OP does this, but I had a friend who claimed going to therapy was why women wouldn't date him. It wasn't. It's that he was+
QueenOfTheFey
+suicidal, had violent tendancies, a list of disorders 3 pages long, and said "I can't be held responsible for my actions during a break"
imgurwhoreforcash
You don't need an immature girlfriend when there are so many nice women walking around.
DicCage
I had a girl cancel our second date because she thinks "all men should go to therapy" and I don't attend.
zenoshogun
Yeah you dodged a bullet there.
DicCage
Yes. Yes, I did. Dating in your late 30’s feels like that Matrix scene sometimes.
ChristopherTallant
I’m straight up with everyone: I’m bipolar, ADHD, INFJ, medicated, and brain damaged. Plethora of doctors and they’ll back it up. Say Hi.
JohnSmi76648226
......Doctors back you up that you're an INFJ?
tomatoboy
This can be a challenge. The best advice I can give you is to be forthright and confident about it being what’s best for you. You’re…
SeeShark
100% agreed. At some point, I started telling ladies I have depression before the 2nd date, or sometimes before the 1st. If it's a
SeeShark
dealbreaker for them, that's ok! But I'd rather find out as soon as possible.
tomatoboy
…handling your shit, which is more than most people do. You’re going to run into people who will reject you upon finding out, but let’s…
heathenhumanist
I appreciate this. Been having issues with my MIL and SIL saying I'm too "emotional" as I've been facing my issues. Well I honestly wish >>
heathenhumanist
They'd also deal with their own shit cuz they have some serious "lack of empathy" issues at times. My emotions are uncomfy for them lol
tomatoboy
…face it, that’s probably a relationship that wasn’t going to work long term anyway.
OldsterBabe
Agreed. You want an open honest relationship. Image focused people will not contribute positively to your life and your journey.
Copperbrat
Don't blame the therapy! The therapy is the only positive thing in this story.
iloveyouthreethousand
I think it’s a green flag when I learn that someone is going to therapy.
Lurch1911
Lots of women find it attractive that a man is going to therapy. Own your self improvement!
RNFlatus
As a single lady, I love it when I hear that a man’s in therapy! Communicating emotions, working through traumas&self-improvement are a good
Jacksmashsteel
Maybe you are whiney
CherrySnowCone
:/ try not to internalize other people's negative take on taking care of yourself. It'd be like being made fun of for getting a cast for a >
CherrySnowCone
> broken leg. Sure it takes a while but you want it to heal properly so you see a doctor then rehab regularly until you can walk on it. >
CherrySnowCone
> Someone making fun of taking care of yourself says more about them than you. U cannot control others behavior, only your rxn and honestly>
CherrySnowCone
> it doesn't sound worth your time. Hopefully that person will get help to get over their bitterness but now it's not your problem :) GL TC.
TheModernHighwayman
Don't give up! Because once you find a woman who's also been to therapy and appreciates it, the connection and conversation is mind-blowing
eetsumkaus
I feel like that makes it easier not more difficult. They're showing you all the red flags up front
littlefoxpounce
If someone doesn't want to date you because you're in therapy, drop them. You don't need that kind of toxicity in your life.
SlytlyDerangd
If a girl won't date you bc you go to therapy, she is a girl - not a lady, not worth your time. She is sheltered and ignorant of her own >
SlytlyDerangd
Issues. Sheltered isn't the word though bc it denies one's responsibility in this situation. Keep plugging away, you'll get and find better.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
But also it depends what he's laying on them, and how early. I support people going to therapy, but if it's clear that he's extremely /1
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
fucked up about something, then not everyone will be up for dealing with that. Especially in someone they barely know. It's not /2
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
necessarily the fact of going to therapy, but the reason for needing therapy, that's turning them off. And that's fair. /3
SlytlyDerangd
100% agree.
Blud4BludGod
I dunno that I'd make some kind of "girls are worse than ladies" semantic distinction here, but I will resoundingly agree that if someone...
Blud4BludGod
...is turned off from you when they find out you go to therapy they were probably going to waste your time at best and be a horrible...
Blud4BludGod
...partner at worst. I had a similar experience to @OP where I was pretty straightforward about being autistic and in therapy, and it led...
Blud4BludGod
...to some lonely years. When I finally met someone who was on a similar wavelength, who I would have never bonded with if I wasn't...
Nightcaste
If you taking care of yourself is a red flag for someone, they're not worth your time.
gorillaClutch
honestly it seems a little weird to date someone NOT in therapy these days, like you just got NOTHING you wanna work on? really?
loma45
Therapy isn't the only place you can do self work. It can be a useful one, but it's only a single tool.
gorillaClutch
Yes thank you for pointing out the logical fallacy in my snarky joke...
euphoricopportunity
I haven't really felt like I have gotten noticable benefit. But I know I'm rather dysfunctional and have shit to work on.
ByJoveByJingle
I guess some can’t afford it. #americans
gorillaClutch
This is also true
eetsumkaus
not just Americans though. Lots of nationalized healthcare systems don't cover therapy. Japan's off the top of my head (UK?)
cryborg
A lot of people go to therapy. A lot of people do not but should. It sucks that some people still consider it a "stigma" or a "dealbreaker".
craque
i probably should but i don't, not because stigma, i just cba and I'm nocturnal asf
tubbers06
It really is. My spouse has never judged me for my mental health, and we even recommend each other get extra help from time to time.
SchrodingersGinger
Honestly its more understandable to me if its a dealbreaker that your potential partner *doesnt* go to therapy.
TheLordFoxington
Honestly, one of my friends believes that everyone should go to therapy. There is literally no harm in doing so, and you can only benefit.
RaineGrae
it really depends what symptoms the person displays on a day-to-day basis. if its a nonstop behavioral problem then yeah, dealbreaker.
RaineGrae
if not and the person can behave in a way is respectful and responsible with occasional issues, nbd. theyre working on it. its expected.
RaineGrae
i say this from the perspective of a new relationship, not a longterm existing one.
cryborg
Well said.
PleasantPeasantPheasant
I wouldn't want to date someone with depression again. Going to therapy is great if they also make the effort to change. My ex didn't.
Fatbird
There's 15 people in my age 30-ish friend group. I'm one of two not in therapy. It's super normal now, I'm stunned it's a dealbreaker.
RhymingEverything
Agreed, it's the people who externalize their problems and never've been to therapy that worry me
CelestialSea
A lot of women talk a big game about openness and being vulnerable but as soon as a partner shows "weakness" they change their tune.
EverNotRelevant
There's a clear solution: date those men.
Enoan
One of my male friends did some therapy and self reflection and it is incredible how he went from friend to my first big crush since school
Enoan
Ends up he is only interested in dating cis women, which I can't really fault him for. Gave him a hell of a confidence boost though so yay
[deleted]
[deleted]
HandoB4Javert
ThatOtherTransGirl
Alternatively, if you can't get the cute girlfriend, become the cute girlfriend.
Enoan
One of my friends started acting better and I saw him as attractive after he did therapy. Shame he prefers cis women, or at least not fluid
JeremyPeevin
The answers simple: we kill The Batman.
EverNotRelevant
*fuck
JeremyPeevin
Yes thank you. The answer is simple: we kill the Fuckman.
CongratsYouAreHereNow
Not to brag, but I’m an attractive guy and date lots of women. I tell them all pretty early that I love going to therapy and it’s only been
unannouncedguest
total brag
Jewdakris
Step 1 be attractive
CongratsYouAreHereNow
I wasting attractive when I started therapy
CongratsYouAreHereNow
A problem with like two girls. Anyone who has a problem with it is either ignorant or stupid, but if it won’t work I’d rather know sooner
CongratsYouAreHereNow
Therapy is the shit. I’m a big, strong, guy with a high level job and anyone who thinks it’s a sign of weakness is absolutely wrong. I
CongratsYouAreHereNow
Honestly think it’s a sign of weakness to NOT go to therapy, or at least to not be willing to go, as access is a major challenge
pixelsnader
Nothing against you, but therapy is judged different when you're "attractive big strong high level job" versus a mediocre looking joe schmo.
narniasreal
I'm not going to therapy. You calling me weak, bro?! /s