TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
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Oct 11, 2017 2:40 PM
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
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CanadianLadyMoose
I mean, you helped a little bit, kinda think your lady did the actual work... haha congrats
NipplesTheEnchiIada
TheBlackBolt
Beautiful painting man. How did you old the brush?
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Stiffly
RelatedSimpsonsPicOrGif
griffonsgalore
Congrats! We're due May 12th with our first!!!
genericanamoly
Due to your username, I have questions about this post.
SomeRandomArsehole
Why? @OP is definitely a totally trustworthy internet person, right?
ramaldrol
Mine actually managed to make two, but no big deal. Seriously though, congrats! Lots of exciting and exhausting times ahead.
HailNimrod
clearwall
I wonder if children should be classified as an STD or a virus...
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Kinda close to bacteria, I believe. Maybe a parasite?
Tiriki
They're definitely known as a parasite. Especially during that gestational period. Congrats - your lives will never be the same again!
leechdemon
Nice! Mine usually just makes a mess.
cuttysark
Um, it wasn't JUST YOUR wiener dude!
mekkuli
But I can do a helicopter!
goodgriefyoudidnt
High fives wiener.....
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Too slow, blow
DeviantDamsel
Please print this post along with all of the comments and then present it at their highschool graduation party
Luunatic
Sorry about your Bike @OP
UnrulyCactus
That's art. The mom's vag is the canvas and your dick is the paintbrush.
Lezbedevious
Now did you do that legally?
annbonny
annbonny
Really, though, congrats OP!
BigBlackPimp
Baby looks more like your brother.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Jokes on you, I don't HAVE a brother. That's why I'm best friends with our mailman! He's always hanging out with us.
chilachinchila
tigoda
Mikalhvi
Congrats on the sex. Hope you're ready for 18-30 years of never boning again.
Carefuler
You got a strange idea of how marriage works. If he's getting married.
Mikalhvi
Well I assumed they were going to raise it together?
Carefuler
Safe assumption, but why in heaven would you think married people with children don't have sex?
Mikalhvi
First dozen or so years of life: Too tired after work/chasing rugrat around. Later on: Awkward if kid is old enough to understand and hears.
Carefuler
Lol! You don't have kids do you? I've been married over 25 years, have 3 kids, and have had plenty of sex the whole time!
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Oh no, they'll bone. Just don't get to nut. Kids know exactly when you are getting nasty and wait for the worst/most embarrassing time.
MyNameIsJesusAndIStealHubcapsFromCars
it's more like shake and bake. "you helped" congrats @OP
jaxlax21
Congrats! My weiner spawn hits 35 weeks on Friday!
llamallamaredpajama
Wiener spawn LOLOLOLOL
ramarins
I read "is 35 weeks" first and I thought you were measuring a 2 and a half year old in weeks. [It's late...]
TheMightyMoto
How did you do an ultra sound with your penis? Mine does not do that.
PoweredbyOSengine
My question exactly, mine just makes a buzzing noise.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
That's because you don't have ULTRAPENIS!!!!
NorthRex
I can totally hear you scream the last part.
boneh3ad
2017 firmware update enables this. The rest is just bugfixes.
Inappropesmagotes
Won't help with his viruses though.
Talmorean
You need to upgrade your system yo
Shadowspawn1115
Have you tried? Because I doubt that you have actually tried to do that.
TheShadowsLengthen
Mine doesn't either. It does radiographies though. The X-rays shooting everywhere are a problem at times, but I manage.
IMayOrMayNotHaveTroubleFindingAndOrChoosingAUsername
Not since the accident.
invaderjak
Congrats! My wife and I are due in Dec with our first.
snoogans671
Congrats! Our first is due in 15 days
invaderjak
Are you still sane? I'm not sure I am anymore...
snoogans671
Probably far from it. My wife seem to be level headed still so that seems to be a plus.
Tahingada
Us too! Congrats!
KnightoftheCraftyGirls
congrats to you and your wife! I myself is 5+ months along. <3
einahpetslol
I think I’m about 5 months too. Late February I’m due. Hope second trimester is treating you well.
KnightoftheCraftyGirls
i'm due Feb 15. So far, it been good, I stopped throwing up so that's a plus lol. I hope all goes well with your pregnancy too <3
sjrobot
I’m due Feb 13!! Boy or girl? Hope all is well with your little one :)
einahpetslol
Feb 24 here. I’ll find ouT sex in a couple weeks.
PerryCoxMD
Congrats. As a new dad myself I feel the need to tell you this: Sleep for as long as you can now - because you'll never sleep again.
whycantiholdalllthesewats
It so annoyed me when people said this to me.... But omg so much truth here. The sleep deprivation is unreal, but it's worth it!
PerryCoxMD
Take the next 5 months off work, and hibernate.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Thanks, Doc
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Also, if she's breastfeeding, you should bring her the baby and bring it back to the crib. If bottle, alternate who feeds it. Life saver.
PerryCoxMD
I lucked out - my wife doesn't work so she does her best to let me sleep through the night.
JeremyPeevin
Last thing I made with my wiener was a bus full of people gasp. Congrats bro.
queenelizabeth
Lololollolol *SpongeBob.gif
crashcar22
sorryImHigh
I don’t even HAVE a wiener.... I wish I could make something like that
StealthLog
I want to live somewhere with enough public access telescopes for a bus full of people
Tiahansere
I made a bus full of people chuckle.
Affray
Did they gasp just from the wiener being whipped out, or is it weird shaped or something?
Talmorean
Last thing I made with my wiener was the front of my undies wet because apparently shaking it 10 times isn't enough.
DoggoPicsMakeMeHungry
Looks like you going out why they say, "more than twice and you're playing"
DoggoPicsMakeMeHungry
*found
6war6scry6
u NEVER get the last drop
FriendOfShaq
Or 10 apparently.
Mistruths
push on your taint.
Talmorean
Woah woah woah, we're not bring the Devil's Driveway into this while I'm at work. Thats for fun time later.
ShamanShacker
There has to be a solution
unicornfun
https://imgur.com/421xpKb
engineeringcowboy
No matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Did you just assume my gender
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
But, really, thanks!!! I'm basically dying with excitement.
mekkuli
If you die then it evens out to zero and you want +1, right?
JeremyPeevin
Yep. I do that all the time when people say they have a penis or show it to me.
THRAWN18
I have two penises. Only one is attached. So when someone says "I have a penis" make sure it's attached to them
THRAWN18
Oh and it's also their penis originally
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Are...are people showing their penis to you often?
JeremyPeevin
Are . . . are they not you?
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Tell me your secret
AwkwardKeming
You didn't make it. That's like a saying you made dinner because you ordered pizza. Credit where it's due.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
That's stupid. I worked very hard, got a home, groomed myself and adulted so hard in countless ways. I earned the right to gift my seed.
AwkwardKeming
Right, but you gifted seed. She grew the thing.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
I was kidding :) it's all her
nomatchingsocks
I'd say the hostile takeover of moms body means she made it. That's how I felt about mine. Husband contributed one cell.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Cool. You sound fun.
nomatchingsocks
It was a truly awful pregnancy. Hard not to feel you're the one doing the work when you're the only one barfing all hours of the day.
nomatchingsocks
Pro tip. Eating a protein bar on one of the many trips to pee in the middle of the night will help the morning sickness a bit when she wakes
nomatchingsocks
It's the low blood sugar in the morning that makes it so bad. I worked this out too late in the game :(
AwkwardKeming
Plus you literally are the only one growing it.
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
I get that. I was just messing with you. She's been a champ and I'm doing my best to make her comfy. 1st tri is over on Friday!
nomatchingsocks
Yay. Try not to fly long haul if you can avoid it. Jet lag brings the morning sickness back with vengeance. Learned that the hard way.
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Enjoy bloodless sex for a couple months...won't happen for a WHILE after D-Day. Also, don't grab the boobs, even on accident. Just don't.
MakeTabbouleNotWar
My husband got a mouth full of breast milk one hot and heavy night. That'll teach him.
xObsidianRose
And a new fetish was born.
einahpetslol
Ha! Seriously tho the boobs hurt so much. Thanks for telling the future fathers to be this trick. Just wish my BF would follow..
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Absolutely! There is no joke when baby making is involved.
ssyoda2
HA ..... not even once. Friends said "2nd tri is CUDDLE time." PPF! The whole 9 months was, "You only rub the feet. Nothing else."
MexicanViking
That shit hurts AND squirts, bro. But a delicate under-bust caress sesh may end in a bj. Sauce: experience.
TURDSTOMPER
Taking notes, thx protwatwaffle/mexicanviking!
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Back massages will get you all sorts of loving as well. Focus on lower back and butt.
Occasionalfunnycomment
I've been massaging my butt for a while and nothing. Guess I should wait for my wife to get home
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Ha!
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
HAHAHA! Never had a squirting problem in my case, but no touchy was the rule for 9 months and beyond.
AralFayle
Thats a myth. Dont get this poor fucker's hopes up. Source: 2yr old and 6mth old
MexicanViking
Maybe your experience was different..
Magus62
Sesh?
DickPicEnthusiast
Attorney General Jeff Sessions
TotallyTrustworthyInternetPerson
Schezwan sauce
mebewee
Session
MexicanViking
Session
ssyoda2
Really?.... not in MY experience.
MexicanViking
Please refer to response to comment above..
mrwinelover24
Wife and I had a son in August-Vaginal birth.That thing is still a nightmare, but desperation will set in.
ConsiderYourselfLucky
I can sympathize with that nightmare, man.
streetsharts
? She still has a mouth and booty ? I’m not being an asshole but that peener can go other places besides a vag
mrwinelover24
No shit Dick Tracy. BJ frequency is through the roof. Regarding anal, still limited due to perineum pain (where one of her stitches was).
Soifon87
If your wife is in pain you don't even get to ask for it. Wait for her to initiate the first sexy time. Take care of yourself for a while.
ProfessionalTwatWaffle
Yes it can. Right into your hand. At least until she says otherwise.
masreya3
Oh man, that's hard! We tried for sex at 2 weeks PP, little early haha. 3 was fine though! Coconut oil for days heh.
westwood8183
You realize the placenta leaves a big ass open wound in her uterus right...wait the damn 6 weeks.
masreya3
Birth recovery is different for everyone!
zacramenta
TWO WEEKS?? Omg.. Wait until the stitches are gone at least... +isn't coconut oil bad for condoms?
masreya3
I didn't tear at all :) If I had had stitches I'm sure I would have been a lot less dtf lol.
masreya3
This time around I plan to wait longer, but it worked out fine last time haha :P
mrwinelover24
On the few occasions we have done the dirty, she still had pain bc of the couple stitches she had, even though they are long gone.
masreya3
Aw, that's too bad :/ I didn't have any, probably would have made a big difference for sure. Next time I plan to wait a little longer anyway