Thank you imgur for support, a distraction from suicidal thoughts and your honesty. 5 years sober today! 

Thank you Reddit for support, a distraction from suicidal thoughts exactly 5 years ago during horrible self-detox. 5 years sober today!

Wow...Thank you for amazing, supportive comments!

Especially I want to thank a random stranger who got enough courage to ask in PM for advice. I'm posting a reply below and hopefully, some people will find few words there that will keep them going..

hEY MAN. wOW. i WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO ANSWER YOU AND... THANK YOU FOR REACHING OUT.
Jesus... CAPS, sorry.

To be honest, you should thank yourself for reaching out, that's so good!

Advice is to keep going and find a way to trust professional help no matter what.
There is somewhere my Reddit comment from 5 years ago just before the rehab - I was asking people about some magical ways to quickly get better. Like ayahuasca trip to Amazon jungle or some monk temple in Nepal etc.

The thing is short-term solutions have short term results. If you're getting something easy, there is no way of convincing yourself that it's worth to remain.

That's how addiction works. A quick simple solution for problems. Any kind of addiction. Substance or behavioral.

Step one is to know that you have a problem and to be sure that you don't want it - I know it seems like bullshit but there a lot of wisdom here.

For me, the moment was realizing that suicide is a colorful option. I was always afraid of it and in that specific moment, it seemed like a light in a tunnel, HAPPY solution to all of my problems. It was attractive and seducing.
That scared the shit out of me and between desperate crying, depression and hopeless talking to myself "this life is ruined...this life you fucked up" I realized that the only way is ONLY to go all in.

People seeking suicide don't want to end living. They want to end living THE WAY they live.

Here is the point where reaching out for help was a crucial thing (that's why I congratulate you). It was almost impossible to do because I felt like asking for help is wasting someone's time.

My family that I didn't talk to for few years helped me to get to a rehab center.

The next thing is COMPLETE TRUST to professional.
Whatever they say... until the end. Until you could cry about and rebel. Need to be done.

Your depressed addicted brain will fight against any change and will bring a lot of thoughts to make you stay the way you are. But this is bullshit. Even if it -at the time- will seem like most rational thing and the other suggestions are fucked up and they are fucking losers.

From that point, you will see step by step little changes. And it is a domino effect.

Being in the bottom is a bliss because even one inch up is incredible change by contrast to the place you were before.

Journey up is sometimes very difficult and through dense woods, but from time to time you are climbing to amazing open field with an incredible view to the world and realizing how much road you've passed and looking down to the swamp you were before - keeps you going even stronger.

One day you're starting to breathe fresh unpolluted air again and feeling of silence and calm makes you feel human.

Well.. I hope some of those words will help...
You're great for asking.

It takes a lot of courage.

Thank you..