MortyC169
370280
9387
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These kinds of stories make my day...
Credit: https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-coolest-line-a-pilot-has-said-to-his-passengers/answer/Lars-Vinter?share=b3ff8592&srid=hVzzE
spits1fire20
I was on a flight where the landing bounced three or four times, the pilot came on and said, "Take THAT bad, bad, Mr. Runway..."
nostradumasss
Pilot said "I'd like to welcome you to sunny Honolulu. But I can't. Cause we're in Lubbock.
plactoid
The most accurate introduction to Lubbock. Ever.
LisaJWho
So on some planes you can use the radio to hear the cockpit. "Lets fly fly fly this thinggg fly fly flyyyyyy" "Mark I swear to god shut up"
ThisIsTheLastTimeIChangeUsernamesIPromise
A flight had been slightly delayed due to maintenance pilot called out "They're just gonna connect some loose wires here and we'll take off"
ilard
On a red-eye flight one time and there were only 5 passengers. The pilot greeted us on the intercom individually with "Welcome aboard Mr xx"
Uvigerina
That's awesome!
ScootyPuffSr
"If our flight should suddenly become a cruise, flotation vests are located under your seats."
AlkeneThiol
That's a standard Southwest line isn't it
ScootyPuffSr
It was a regional from, if I remember right, SFO to Spokane. No, from Southwest I want "We actually did the maintenance this time, honest."
babyredpotato
landed and pilot said "we know you have a lot of choices when flying and we are glad you couldn't afford anything else."
MrWOOTWOOT
I would have laughed my ass off on that one!
ffilm
Very rough landing, FA got on PA: "Sorry about that landing. It wasn't the plane's fault; it wasn't the pilot's fault. It was the asphalt."
diregamer
assfault?
exe122
Was on a flight to St Louis when pilot got on and said, "Good evening passengers traveling to Denver... uhh... you're on the wrong flight."
hanshotthird
Holy hell, I was on that flight.
DontNeedAWeatherManToKnowWhichWayTheWindBlows
Yeah, I've heard variants of that one a bunch of times. That's probably in the airline pilot / chief steward joke book
AmaIthea
Boss was on a flight to Istanbul. One of the passangers panicked 'I was suppose to go to Constantinople
helpusdrzaius
*sensible chuckle
bitemark
"This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then - explode"
TCGreen
bwhite9
I don't want to explode.
ferkaderkalicious
In case of emergency an oxygen mask will drop. If you have multiple children please help the one with the most potential first.
BabyYodasChickenTendies
Haha ya I did hear this on southwest also! One of the funniest ones I heard before!
lkand77110
Can confirm. She said it on my flight on Friday on Spirit Airlines.
ZiggyStardust80085
On my last flight just the oxygen masks above me droped.The plane must of thought I'm reaaaaally special.
ShittyKittyBangGang
Haha. I was on a flight where someone said that! He had this whole routine and I wish I would have written it down.
canibFrank
No! Did someone really say that?
ferkaderkalicious
Yes! The stewardess giving the safety brief said it. I think the flight was Southwest and that whole flight crew had us rolling
canibFrank
That's terrible (but funny)
bananafrazzle
That is gold! Can't decide which of my three that would be.
zebil
Awe I couldn't find it, but the gif when the robbers force the mom to choose which kid dies.gif
zebil
Kept looking, found a recently dug up gem
FullMetalBitch
My first is kind of an airhead, an artsy type. I'm banking on the younger, asian one to be successful enough to support me
JohnnyTitelips
WHY HE NO DOCTOR YET?
stdout
Qantas: "Welcome to Perth, please set your watch back two hours and ten years."
TheDepartmentofRedundancyDepartment
Haha not Australian but that was pretty funny. Probably applicable to Montgomery Alabama, but 60 years
atatica
You gave me a scare. What is bad about Perth? I was vaguely considering moving there.
stdout
I love it, but in some ways it can be a bit parochial. Shopping hours & daylight savings are what people from over east tend to go on about.
Carrow
I've always wanted to hear, "Uuhhhh, this is your captain speaking, uuhhhh...I'm gonna try a loop-de-loop."
DoctorSvenHoek
http://imgur.com/0f5g2os
dukevegetables
DO A BARREL ROLL
Rox2
The "uhhhhhh" is official lingo of course. As is "folks."
OhLenny
"We're running a little late, but worry not, we have the two best pilots in Canada who are going to fly this thing like they stole it." 1
OhLenny
2 closely followed by pilot nodding in agreement as he returns to cockpit from toilet. On landing: "for those of you transferring...
OhLenny
3 ... follow the signs straight to the correct gate, do not pass go, do not collect $200".
imilkgoats
Had a pilot say giggidy once. Saw a lot of people chuckle at that.
canibFrank
Pilot on a commuter plane said that b/c of the short flight there wouldn't be beverage service but that he had a pack of gum and would share
DoctorSvenHoek
thats fantastic
TommyRottn
Some of those planes are so small they don't use the intercom. The pilot just turns his head and yells through the open cockpit door.
canibFrank
A lot of these small planes that I flew on out of Kalamazoo had a curtain separating the cabin from the cockpit, not a secured door.
oneofthosemeddlingkids
Most of those planes aren't able to put a dent in a mailbox.
IJustCantPick1
Fucking hilarious
margatesands
Were there any takers?
canibFrank
No. I don't think any of believed him.
canibFrank
*us
babycoolredhead
I would've taken him up on it. If it was true, yay, gum! If untrue, probably a free drink coupon for my next flight. :D Win/win.
happyBears
Unless it was United, then you get a punch in face. No gum, no fun.
canibFrank
Or a free stick of gum coupon.
babycoolredhead
GENIUS. http://imgur.com/zIyLbrV
OutlawGerman
"*ding* yes ma'am, I'd like a piece of the captains gum..."
babycoolredhead
I'm just saying...I'd have no shame.
HEXADECIMAL
Pilots on commuter flights are paid so poorly it was probably his lunch.
Iwontbeback
...?
pilotperson
Which part of the joke are you having trouble with?
Iwontbeback
the part where pilots make shit pay
oneoldman
Ones with small companies tend to make a pittance, but love the job enough to not care
HEXADECIMAL
Do you know any commuter pilots? Ask them what they make per year.
SmellOfMonkey
A multi pack of chewing gum?
DixonHillPrivateEye
I was taught that it is not polite to do that.
LiterallyAnOpossum
It's bullshit, companies love when you keep your salary secret so that prospective employees don't have expectations and will take less $.
billingsworthswagamuffin
Do you know any commuter pilots hat you don't like? Ask them
Ryebread91
I wonder if that's a generation thing. '91 and was taught that but I myself don't care. Same with asking what you spent on a car or house.
RiceCatBOI
Same
GoIIum
I was thought the same but intentionally ignore it. It just enables scams and rip-offs to not talk about those things.
YasmineGRL
A gay steward told us to not forget our kids and belongings, but we can leave the husbands behind
Graygray9
As a FO, I never get to make the announcement :(
Iprefermypunsintended
Got to hear a FO at the bar yesterday bragging about his announcements. I just cringed and smh.
Graygray9
I am cringing too. I've made 1 announcement ever and that's because my captain was really kind and asked if I'd like to have a go.
SliceofLifeisDicey
That extra stripe and pay come with great responsibility. Can't pork the announcement!
Graygray9
Haha exactly. When I eventually do get my command I'll be sure to have some fun with my announcements!
billionsofeyes
"I think we can do this"-Aer Lingus pilot coming into Cork airport on a second try in fog.He did it, then came back on and said "told you".
ReykStilbrook
Cunning Lingus
reijigin
"Told you." Fucking amazing.
billionsofeyes
aer lingus pilots are great for stuff like this, same with the flight attendants - very Irish in their way, but never felt unsafe.
Selerox
I'd like to thank Aer Lingus for a landing that almost collapsed my spine a couple of weeks ago. Wasn't sure if we landed or were shot down.
dbrownv
There was one I remember where the pilot said, due to budget cuts and less people flying, we have just enough fuel to make it to our destina
ohmegatron
Fun fact: if a boeing 747 loses power to engines on one wing, they'll cut the other two. They can coast and land safely for 150 km.'
dbrownv
-tion. If an engine or two shuts off, please be aware that we are close to the airport and there is nothing to be afraid of.
LumpWithaLeafHat
As a fearful flyer: COMFORTING!!!
topdollar38
Fear not! All certified multi engine airplanes are designed to be flown with one engine inoperative in all stages of flight (FAR 25.121)
Justabuckeye
Don't remember it exactly but pilot comes on and goes " Good Morning we'll be taking this aluminum cigarette up in to the clouds and hope 1
IOnlyCommentExtensions
2 to god that we won't get hit by another killstreak
Justabuckeye
to land at "destination". If not we'll take the detour to somewhere with fruity drinks and figure it out. 2
Justabuckeye
Also it was in a Texas accent.
drawoheitak
Random, but I'm a buckeye too!!! Lol
saraleecupcake13
Me too!
eetsumkaus
are you posting this from somewhere in the Indian Ocean?
dynamited222
Took me a minute lol
Mightylcanis
I don't understand, is there a reference I'm missing?
thisismyworkphone
The flight that went missing and still not found..
SoPoSassquatch
Yes.
Arconyte
Literally
yehstan
Flew Southwestern with a cheeky pilot who, after a less than smooth landing, turned on the intercom and simply went "heh heh"
rasterblaster
Fuckin' Paulie.
absolutezero182
"And if you enjoyed the flight, this was southwest. If you didn't enjoy it, we're delta"
topdollar38
I actually like Delta a lot. They're my go-to. American Airlines on the other hand...
absolutezero182
I'm not a huge fan of delta, but frontier is fucking awful
Rox2
Frontier used to be awesome until they decided Spirit and Allegiant were good role models to follow...
BiggieZzz
OliverClothesoff70
I had a similar experience, but it was a tough landing in high winds. Pilot brought it down super smoothly & said "Tah-daaaah!" on intercom.
Iknowhowrubberbandsaremade
Same situation but the flight attendant clicked on once we landed and went "whew...you were all thinking it"
UncleCyborg
I had a SW flight where landed hard, bounced up and came down again. Pilot announced, "Two landings for the price of one."
DoctorSvenHoek
flight back from hawaii was a rough landing, capt clicked on DURING the landing and said, "woah, big fella"
malachitekell
"TAKE THAT, EARTH"
ShutUpAndTakeMyMeme
AND TAKE YOUR DAMN LEMONS BACK!!!
wildcatfan4life
Southwest are the best for their lack of not giving a f**k.
IJustCantPick1
"My bad"
freezingpilot
I just say that my copilot was landing the plane.
TeslaFilledFuture
Just checked out your profile. Why would you apologize to your cargo? Your job is incredible! Did you go the military way or civillian way?
freezingpilot
Mil to get my hours, then into the civilian side.
diregamer
As the great pilot Launchpad McQuack always said, "any landing you can walk away from is a good one"
ElizabethSchultz
Oh man! Haven't thought about that show in ages!
TheBestRussian
My southwestern flight has a flight attendant who did the whole safety spiel in Schwarzenegger style. I nearly died laughing.
gerf
It's called Australian thank you very much.
EonMoon
austrian not austrailian. ones middle EU, the others down undah
GaryCXJk
Well you can hardly understand eiter, so...
TheBestRussian
Quotes: "Stawp screaming like a leetle girl and help the screeming person next to you." "Wrap your skeeny ahrms around the cushion!"
BeetleDaddy
Southwest is my favorite airline.
paul289
GET TOO DA EXIT! IT'S BEHAIND YOO!
Istealfromthefrontpage
Haha I'm saying it in my head and can't stop laughing
acme64
THERE IS NO CHOPPA, ONLY FLOTATION DEVICE!
LiquidMilk
We had an ultra-gay flight attendant that would send my brother dirty looks all flight. Even served him a Virgin Mary spontaneously..
BallerinaDalekForeverSpinningAndSpinningItsTragicYouMofos
Was it Randy?! I've had him a couple of times LGA>ATL "If your flying with children, I'm sorry..."
notme222
That has always been the Southwest angle. "We're cheap, we know it, but we do have a sense of humor."
IveBeenSlackingMyWholeLife
I thought it was also "we don't treat you like shit"
yehstan
Ah shit I meant Southwest. But yeah since you mention it, that has pretty much been my experience every time
vader300
I flew southwest and had our flight attendant singing a song bout how our bags flew cheaper than we did after landing. Love that company.
OddOne8
When I flew Southwest we had a rough landing and the pilot said sorry folks decided to give the co-pilot some practice on landing.
thefatlonelyjew
You haven't known cheap until you've known Spirit
tballs51
and Allegiant. Same thing as far as reclaimed plane parts and cheap sketchy flying goes. Still use them. Not proud.
JohnnyTitelips
Southwest is the best airline in my experience.
Zodi
I love southwest.
Leithreas
They had a delayed plane they texted me about, then caught up time, didn't text me. Got there early but not enough, they left without me.
notme222
"Southwest: We've got your back 50% of the time." That sucks, sorry.
Leithreas
People like them and they're cheap but now I have to vendetta them to death, sadly.
BearHans
I've read, for you to not be considered a no show, you have to show up on time regardless if the flight has been delayed
Leithreas
That's the crap they pulled on me, basically. It was the "me running as they shut the door" thing too. Jerks.
BigAZNMan
They do the job though and they're the only US airline I've never had an issue with.
Leithreas
They screwed me over big-time once, then gave me shit about it. Then they started those heart commercials. Fuck 'em.
BigAZNMan
What happened?
Leithreas
Emailed about delay. I get there early (I thought), plane went fast to make up time, left on time making me "late" by about 5 minutes.
Leithreas
But they never emailed or texted about the plane making up time, they just moved the departure time back up.
spacerated
I got delayed once and missed an entrance exam for college in another city. They gave me a voucher for the new flight, paid for my fee to
spacerated
Reschedule the entrance exam, and gave me vouchers for a new flight later. Then they emailed to apologize again and gave me two more free
spacerated
Tickets. I was floored. When United and American leave my dad stranded in cities for a day or two they don't even so much as bother to pay
dbrownv
The cheap part is why I always fly with them. And their peanuts, they have great complimentary peanuts.
therealscarletohara
i look forward to the peanuts more than I look forward to arriving at my destination.
rocketman89
One time I got a whole can of soda instead of just the iced cup. Never a problem with SWA.
AustenFan
Someone once tried to convince me that Southwest was the expensive airline and I was so confused.
AlcoholicsAnonymousBYO
You had me at peanuts
Boom9001
My mom always feels bad because she's allergic and the plane has to serve something else.
pirate89RAWR
Ugh. I feel for her. My SW stewardess said no peanuts because someone onboard had an allergy, so it had to be pretzels. I was cussed out. Ha
dbrownv
Luckily, that's only happened to me once. And I fly a couple times a year.
tootscootinboogie
Last time I flew SW I got complimentary booze bc the stewardess liked that I kept ordering whiskey gingers. Pretty good flight.
Frankfrappuccino
Well maybe if a ticket with SAS didn't cost 2x that of a Norwegian ticket I might fly with them.
GeneralBullshit
Costs exactly the same. I thought this was true at first as well, but if you order in good time, it's equal. Scource, I fly EVERY week
GeneralBullshit
+/- 100 Nok is the same in my eyes btw
ChillWinstonCharlieKnewitwasme
Good thing with sas is the number of flights between the big citys in Norway. There is +/- one every hour. So for comuters its gold
Aerolfoz
They offer great points stuff though. Just fly enough with work paying, and it doesn't cost anything.
Frankfrappuccino
Final year high school student, flying with work is way above my pay grade.
Aerolfoz
Ah. Yeah. Well, SAS has never really accomodated students as far as I know, it's a business airline. More comfy than Norwegian though.
[deleted]
[deleted]
motherFoxer
Always check our youth tickets if you are under 26 years old. They can often be on par with tickets with DY.
TheCrimsonBastard
Can you pay the Norwegians with wood?
Beepity
Make sure you soak it in wood first.
Valharroth
Sorry no, but we might take an ocean oil field as tender.
aintnopancakehoe
as a norwegian, yes
violetramblings
Well maybe if Norwegian didn't fuck up everyone's life so badly, I might consider using them. But no, not since 2014 and counting
Shouhei
Flew United last year. Our flight was delayed due to the weather, and the pilot apologized for the inconvenience, and gave us all free 1/2
Freewalker
New PR project for United. Good try but we are on to you!
Shouhei
Lmao, to be honest, that was the only good flight I've had with United. I tend to fly Delta or Southwestern. ;]
Shouhei
drinks to anyone who was over 21, and he also said that he was going to, "fly the paint off of this plane". We arrived early. Awesomeness.
DoctorSvenHoek
fly the paint off... i like it
Shouhei
Dude, he was flying the plane so fucking fast. It was absolutely crazy and an awesome experience, haha. The guy who sat next to me was 1/2
Shouhei
with that certain pilot and crew all day, and the flight before mine was delayed, as well. The pilot gave him two free drinks. Haha.
WrenchGirl
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We have a small problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our 1/2
inmat
don't you just love antiquated language?
TheBestRussian
I heard that recently. On the ground. They had to reboot the whole plane. Sat in silence and darkness for several minutes during reboot.
knshnhmr
On the ground is exactly where I want to hear that. Sitting in silence and darkness is a little more stressful at 30k feet.
TheBestRussian
Haha yes, yes it is. In the air, it would be falling in darkness, though it probably would not be very silent.
WrenchGirl
damnedest to get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress." Capt. Moody, Speedbird 9, June 24th 1982
JohnMcL7
I was going to be disappointed if no-one had posted this one :)
umbrellamaker
Crazy part is they did get them going again
b0bWilson09
Which is probably why we know he said it.
umbrellamaker
Flight data voice recorders would have that info
Dreigiau
And they could have put down in a river if there wasn't an airstrip or empty road in range
samsonguy920
I think there is a mechanism where they unclutch the rotors and let the airflow jumpstart the engines that way. Pretty much the airplane >
samsonguy920
> equivalent of push-starting a car.
Selerox
Except with an exponentially higher chance of wetting yourself.
ajpimpsalll
Right before he set the Guinness World Record for longest glide (seriously: look it up!)
ScootyPuffSr
Since broken by two more airliners, Air Canada 143 ("Gimli Glider") and Air Transat 236. We Canadians have trouble keeping them up...
ajpimpsalll
Heh, I'm sure that's a record everyone no one is eager to break.
kevind13
Well which is it? Everyone or no one?
ajpimpsalll
No one*
maytheforcebealwaysinyourfavor
My Grandpa was once the last person on a 12 person plane. Pilot needed to balance out the weight, so Grandpa got to be copilot for a day.
thildemaria
Can 1 person really make that big of a difference in a plane? I mean, even the small planes are pretty damn heavy, so I'm a bit surprised
AnthonyPeterson
Yep. Small planes are actually fairly light compared to passenger capacity, relative to ground vehicles.
topdollar38
Yeah. You do weight and moment loading calculations for each phase of the airplane's mission profile since the CG will shift in flight
Ragingflowers
you betcha.
smartisbest
Believe it or not, 1 pound can affect the weight and balance of a plane drastically. Usually use sandbags of 25lbs in the nose to correct(1)
smartisbest
An aft heavy plane(2)
alqaeda2k16
Whenever Ryanair planes land they play some party music and go on about their successful landings and all the passengers start applauding.
LoopStricken
That plane's name? Albert Einstein.
Graygray9
The trumpets! I don't know why but I love the landing trumpets. Clapping when a plane lands is an Irish thing (although many hate it)
Sasuuni
Ahh Ryanair, where a successful landing is an extra £40
Tibbus
It always happens in Romania, when it lands half of plane starts applauding, it's pretty cringe.
spoileddentist
They do!I once had a windy descent after 2nd attempt they put on that party song.Someone still sobbing. Manchester always hv windy airport:(
Graygray9
Manchester airport gets hit with crosswinds all the time! Bit of fun for the pilots :)
BritishGingerLefty
They play applause in the hope that others will follow suit.
muisverriet
I flew with Ryanair and it didn't happen. Where are you from?
Graygray9
Ireland. They had to get rid of it because of the complaints but they are bringing it back soon!
alqaeda2k16
Uk. Actually recently they don't seem to do it so much but they used to almost every flight.
Graygray9
People complained about it so much that they got rid of it. It's being reinstated soon though!
LapisLazuli94
Its whenever theyre on time :)
leftovernoise
On a flight I was on last week, there was a huge storm where we landed. The pilot told us to expect turbulence. It was one of the smoothest
leftovernoise
/2 landings I've ever felt. And the lady pilot said over the pa "Yeah that's right! how bout that landing folks!"
LoopStricken
And then the whole bus applauded.
treeskier
You misspelled "stewardess".
thzknee5nfriedchkn
Oh you, I chuckled.
leftovernoise
Both pilot and copilot were females
citaria
The 1970s would like to copyright your highly original joke
Beepity
Well the pilot could have been female.
TheBestRussian
When we landed in a storm, it was sideways, one wheel before the other. I've never white knuckled it on a plane before that landing...
IOnlyCommentWithIrony
That's how you're supposed to land in cross wind :) source: I'm a pilot
RatchetTheWusky
I've got so many questions for you :P How do I start my path to flying :/ I want to fly a heli but I assume it's similar? halp How to start?
IOnlyCommentWithIrony
Happy to chat. Ask away
RatchetTheWusky
Well, as I said, how to start about it?16 year old freshmen in high school. Do I need to wait or is there SOMETHING I can do now?
TheBestRussian
I knew that but the feeling was still really weird as a passenger.There was a pilot flying nearby who slept the whole time.Didn't even stir!
IOnlyCommentWithIrony
Why would he? :D
TheBestRussian
Well at one point the turbulence made the plane lurch down sharply and everybody gasped and he was still asleep. Reassuring actually!
TheBestRussian
Like, if he woke up and looked concerned, it would make me REALLY worried. But a passenger pilot chilling through a storm-okay, we're good