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udabomb
BlueSpaceLizard
#9 Soviet Russia?
boogertown
He's funny but I feel like most of these didn't happen and that takes me out of it
ChronicaLewinski
It is all exaggerated or completely made up
UltramaticOrange
#18 imLazyButAlsoAttackOfTheKillerTomatosTheSecondMovie.gif
DrPorkchopES
Am I the only one who thinks this guy's stuff is made up? Hate to be that guy but it all seems too well thought out for such young kids
ThrowTheAccountAway
It is.
Mcpeepeepants
Repost like 1 million times
WallpaperProblems
Very Nice
lurker314
People keep questioning if these things *really* happened. The man is a comedian! Watch Rodney Dangerfield. No respect, I tell ya.
mansadamngoblin
Wow #7 about the imaginary dolphin is so fantastically real.
icantbelievemynamewastaken
I mean, my sister and I 100% fought over whose turn it was to pretend to be a mermaid SO. (why couldn't we both be imaginary mermaids?)
mansadamngoblin
Because being a mermaid was your birthright and you werent just going to let her take it.
icantbelievemynamewastaken
So true!
hungitalianohwaitthisisntgrindr
this guy again?
Falos
Family Circus in twitter form. #8 only needed three lines.
atstrupp3000
...and then all the parents started clapping.
AccidentMan
Wow these quotes are so authentic and not made up half the time for attention whoring at all.
Sam1979
Is it real? Who gives a shit, I had a chuckle.
serialkillazjungle
It's not real. I find it a bit cringey.
adriedupoldprune
Probably dude has 4 daughters under 7, a pig, and a dog. There are photos on his twitter.
IStillGiveOutDickPics
he's admitted that he makes up, and highly exaggerates a lot of his tweets. it's not a secret.
KadyMcD
#9 the mom in me says take those shoes off that sleeping baby. They look so uncomfortable ????
DontLookAtMePenis
Don't get why people like this guys pretend life
Ilikeyogurt
Wait. He doesn't have a family?
bilalss4
Cuz it's funny?
DontLookAtMePenis
So was peekaboo
serialkillazjungle
I find it cringey.
twintotwin
I need to see more of the these please
WensyBrown
It's interesting!
princessfionna
i need this guy
PossiblyAGriffin
This happened to me the other day- 3 yo cousin "guess what I'm going to be soon? A mummy". Me (thinking Halloween) what with bandages (1/2)
PossiblyAGriffin
3. Yo- "Nooooo. A Mummy with a baby!" Her dad's face went very pale.
GayCakesForHomophobicBulldog
#12 savage.
vivi315
If i had only been alive 4 yrs in this world and my family was hiding from tomatoes that would terrify me too
unknownmale
I would be scared as well if I was told we had to hide in a basement because of a tomato
unknownmale
http://www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/movieposters/42306/p42306_p_v8_aa.jpg
ohdued
So, when does X stand for "Christ", "cross" and "ex"? A Christploding unicorn riding motoex on crossmas morning.
HejDzo
This is reposted so many times. I read it again every time because it's just so funny
TemporaryUzername
/r/thathappened tweet dump
Zapster109
also, /r/nothingeverhappens
Zapster109
You obviously have never spent time around young, well-raised and well-read children - none of this sounds remotely un-believable to me.
Coltx45
Individually no, collectively yes
TheGrinchStoleYourShit
Didn't he already confirm that he makes these up? Not that it really matters, they're still good.
ClimbThemCrimps
I've worked with kids for 8 years. The interactions, a lot due to the dad's part, feel really fake to me.
TemporaryUzername
i love how because I don't believe something happened, I've never been around well-raised or well-read children. LOL. what a conclusion.
Zapster109
But hyperbole, like all forms of figurative speaking, don't translate well to the internet, so w/e.
Zapster109
In my experience volunteering at a library, smart and well-read kids act like stoned college students. They're hilarious.
Zapster109
Also, I wasn't *literally* saying you have never been around well-read children - I was being hyperbolic to make a point.
hungitalianohwaitthisisntgrindr
does anyone else think a lot of these really don't sound like something any child would say?
ThrowTheAccountAway
It's made up.
rollercostarican
i'm not saying these are all real, but ive been in the presence of a super sassy child or two, they can indeed say things like this.
hungitalianohwaitthisisntgrindr
totally agreed. but not like all the time and with an adult tone.
FlatPlutoSociety
I really like the things that this guy makes up that his kid said.
ThrowTheAccountAway
Thank you. I was starting to think I was the only one.
Painahimah
Kids say some really weird and unintentionally insightful shit sometimes, I wouldn't be shocked if there were some truth there
FlatPlutoSociety
Kids say weird, funny stuff, but this guy's feed reads like his kids are scripted sitcom characters 24/7.
ThrowTheAccountAway
He's posted like thousands of these things though. There might be "some" truth, but yeah. He's basically a Facebook mom.
serialkillazjungle
Don't know why you're being downvoted. He's admitted it's all made up many, many times. Personally I find it really cringey.
Highfarm
Just like Stand up comedians make up their jokes involving real people, just to make us laugh
serialkillazjungle
Exactly, I don't see why people get salty when it's pointed out. It doesn't have to be 100% real to be funny. He's a comedy writer.
Arracor
Can you source any of these alleged admissions?
serialkillazjungle
In the interview I read with him he said something along the lines of (1)
serialkillazjungle
"Some of my jokes are pretty much 100% the way I typed them, some I alter slightly to get a better reaction and some are totally made up (2)
serialkillazjungle
as long as it's funny and gets a laugh, that's what comedy is about" (3)
serialkillazjungle
He has like 50 interviews out there, I'm not gonna trawl through then right now but he definitely said a lot of them he makes up.
ThrowTheAccountAway
Never heard he actually admitted to this. Definitely agree on the cringe part.
zucchino
Aw, man. I wanted to believe.
samsonguy920
Who is to be believed? The so-called admission never got sourced, so why take their word for it so easily?
serialkillazjungle
I don't know why everyone gets so salty when someone says their made up. He's a comedy writer by profession. Long before he had twitter.
serialkillazjungle
Some are just stupidly obvious that they are made up. He said on the interview I read that some are almost exactly as said, some are changed
Gianttesticlemonster
He must be a Browns fan
PapaNurgleLovesYou
Vikings
LokiOnTheCouch
I have a friend who is a Browns fan. He said he wants some of the Browns to be his pallbearers so they can let him down one last time.
ashinyjackrabbit
Eagles fan just had that in his obit. His buddies put on jerseys and carried the casket. Made the news. Went out like a goddamn legend.
themotobeard3000
As a browns fan I can confirm that's what it's like.
ButterWielder
Ever heard of Chase Ford?
themotobeard3000
Yes sir I have.
ferretbusiness
He said they're not in a swing state though, so I doubt it.
shishquab
Shrewd observation
cwblackandyellow
I came here for this exact comment, thank you
AlmostFamouss
This is gold
msquareed
Ever watch the good place on Netflix? Brown's fan is like +300
themotobeard3000
That's a damn good show
msquareed
Just funny enough and serious enough
Wolvenlight
Or Tigers?
BurritoParty
Or a Jets fan.
SergeantMajorSpoiler
Donkey!
lonewolf658
Pretty sure he's a Colts fan. Lives in Indy
princeherbert
Or Bears
spicychedderjack
Whatever happened to Mike Didka?
pirateninjaunicornattacksquad
Or Bills.
AnokaJoe
Or Buccaneers
funkychunkymonkey
Or 49ers
youhavemail
Or Jets
nigglemaster
Seahawks checking in. I can't be mad at Aaron Rodgers. He's a beast.
DarkESanta
Native Ohioan too, huh? Sucks, right?
halborski
http://dailysnark.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/hi-res-4127b3c379cdbae764b518287a89eb72_crop_north.jpg
JugsMugsLadybugs
We got OSU though, right?
DarkESanta
Hell yeah. And for smaller colleges we got mount union. #RaiderPride
TheGammaRae
I'm not even from Ohio, but my dad only got one station in PA and they played the Browns back when they were good in the 60's.
TheGammaRae
So that's how I inherited it.
AfterX
or Lions
DoYaLikeDags
The lions are good now.
cuzitsthere
They literally just got done beating the piss out of the giants... Lol
AfterX
ok but have they won more than 1 playoff game since '57? no.
cuzitsthere
Aight, fuck I'm sorry I dared to point out a win.
Ohemefgee
Though it breaks my cheese head heart to say it... The lions are likely to win the division this year.
ATAwarrior33
Honestly the division is up for grabs between everyone but the bears if Bradford is playing
cuzitsthere
noooooooo this is supposed to be a packers year! Although fuck me, that falcons game made me sad....
squade
Lots of our players were out with injuries for that game
ToThePain
Packers. Somehow the lions have all the tools to win and they crumble in the final leg. It's impressive.
pookieeatworld
You're not wrong, but the last few years before the '16 season were mainly due to injuries. '16 they just fell ass first into the playoffs.
godsbestidiot
Well the last one ducked me up too!!
Ignition101
Also whenever Harry gets his hair cut, it grows back. So are there are no bald wizards?
UvaroviteKing
People still use t9?
godsbestidiot
I wish
imjustthatguy07
Fizzledrizzle69
beabo
I like ducks.
ThatGirlWithTheStuff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwxdBiazu8M
Smayds
iliketoanswerwithreactions
Mrw autocorrect changed fucked to ducked.
smiles669
BaalkpanBay
Wheres KARL!?
godsbestidiot
You know autocorrect
imwithpluto
Well this made expanding the replies worth it!
crudeman3
letsgetcrackalackin
Oh my goodness i love this
GuardsmanMiku
it's almost like every wizard in harry potter is ridiculously stupid
BlankMage
The fact Arthur Weasley has the job he does is pretty damning evidence of mismanagement.
kamakaziK
There's an article out there why wizards are assholes. Interesting read
jamesyo1324
Fucking h*ck
PajamaStripes
Take it and get out.
Blade993
I would imagine even with magic, eye surgery is more complicated then fixing glasses.
DatumRedacted
I'd imagine a corrective transfiguration of the eyes is what's necessary for that, which could very well make things worse if done wrong
BlankMage
What always bothered me that no one ever mentions is that 11-YEAR-OLD HARRY KILLED A MAN WITH HIS ACID HANDS AND IT'S NEVER TALKED ABOUT
Aesiri
Oh man, quirrel really dropped the ball on this. Lone defenseless kid? I'll grab him with my hands!
BlankMage
He doesn't even hesitate or flinch about killing this guy he's presumably known for months, and minutes later it's all about love.
SaltTastesOk
His hands aren't acid when he kills him voldys just allergic too him at that point and just disinigrates. Also cuz fuck turban dude
BlankMage
I realize, but I'm paraphrasing for comedic effect.
Sarahsmomhasgotitgoingon
Althox00
I really hope that garbage disposal isn't on...
Sarahsmomhasgotitgoingon
It's obviously webbed
ICheckUsernameAndSuch
Well that's the cutest thing I've seen in a while. +1
theIdris
Amidst all the duck gifs, the real reason is Harry could have fixed his sight but chose not to because he thought it would make him look >>
theIdris
stuck up and he was already getting criticized. Hermione offered, he turned her down.
GiraffeLoveImgur
I think you're misremembering something, friend
theIdris
Maybe. I'll reread and see if I mixed my facts up.
excitive
And what reason Dumbledore had?
ihavenoanswers
Arthur and James had glasses, too.
oneofthecalled
I think those were not so much "corrective lenses" as "enhanced" I rather think he enchanted them to detect many things. Maybe had a HUD
jherazob
Harry Potter and the man of Iron
theIdris
Knowing Dumbledore, he probably just thought they looked nice or thought it was a waste of time.
MaggieSmithsSass
He looked damn handsome on half moon shaped glasses....duh
WildLudicolo
Pulling. Them. Off.