SkyPigeon123
32211
1160
14
Jun 3, 2026 11:41 AM
SkyPigeon123
32211
1160
14
DWolf
Not all heroes wear capes.
"I'm a thief, but even I have morals."
Qpock
When I was in high school, I had a friend who somehow had access to all the Chem tests for the year. I got an A in that class, and I helped him sell it to a couple friends and we made almost a grand before we got caught. That’s when my dad showed up at school and beat the living shit out of me with a pair of jumper cables.
ricpaul
We once took a girls kids bike out of a shed, fixed the punctured tire and returned it the following night.
djevelen
Mine is a weird medical one. At 17 I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder, this was my second clot tied to it, my first was when I was 12. Clotting disorders aren't that uncommon, but usually they are things like hemophilia, I go in the polar opposite direction and form clots randomly. When they found out the root cause I was the 5th active case on Earth, which might have been 3 or 4 had they diagnosed the issues when I was 12. So I am like 1 in 7 billion medically.
ElbowDeepInLeBronsPuzzy
I mean, that's one way to do it
SubsyServy
I pranked the Japanese Pavilion at Expo 86 (in Vancouver) by placing a model of Godzilla rising out of part of the water in their "Transportation Diorama" with a traditional backflag (sashimono) with Godzilla Lives written on it. The Japanese director of the pavillion thought it was great and moved it to a spot by a bridge and added some boats and soldiers attacking it.
MassiveCollisionY
Real thieves have integrity
rouzuki
Monkeys broke into my hotel room, stole my lactose intolerance pills, and nothing else.
kevinfromspace
I once threw a Frisbee from the top of a 1000' radio tower in Wisconsin, it must have sailed over a mile and landed in some farmer's back yard. He had the only house in the area, and I can't imagine what he must have thought finding it by his patio when there's not another person around for miles.
ElbowDeepInSaintCelestine
I got burned by a piece of wood. Fire was not involved.
BeingABotIsRad
Why were you doing spy work for wood?
KerryCoder
I tried to overthrow the government of Iceland.
I was part of a team running a campaign to tell the Icelandic people to vote for a parliament that would ratify a new constitution that had been approved via referendum, but needed ratification.
Robbann
telling people to vote isn't "overthrow the government", i guess it's *technically* true, but i feel like that's a term that's used more for January 6th type of people
KerryCoder
In this case, I was telling people to literally throw out the old constitution and put in a completely new one. Literally overthrowing the government.
The fact that it would have been both peaceful and legal doesn't mean it's not completely throwing out one governmental system and putting in a new one.
WillemHellfire
This dude is named Matthew Ryan Hahn. I found this on Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dhe9oo/iam_matthew_hahn_exconvict_who_burgled_a_home/
LuminoZero
The was a really interesting read. What a fascinating individual.
Wapusk
My cousins had to flag down a plane, in rural Alberta, because I had a head laceration and needed to go to the hospital.
koitk
Akaszkronos
MisterLemons
Mmmm imma say breaking into a house with the intent to steal lock-and-key valuables makes anyone a bad guy.
Here we just have bad and badder.
levyathyn
I saved a cat from a 50 foot or so tree in front of our neighbor's house once. I had to climb in the back of a pickup truck parked at a forward angle, onto the extended end of a 15'/4.5m ladder, get on my tippy toes, and then reach up using a quickly thrown-together PVC pipe pole with a cardboard box hastily duct taped onto the end of it, going over 20 feet straight up from my extend hands. Banjo (the cat) had to jump down into the box from above, which he did because he was my buddy.
Tomigami
I used to work with Stephen Colbert
ImJustHereAtThisPoint
https://media4.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1Z2hqNXA1dGNkcGxkc3NhZWRrc3Q5cjVyaGRvamF0OTRqYmxiNTU5YiZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/W65oDFbPFT7hhX0Mir/200w.webp
P0sit1veTh0ughts
I once took 600ish dollars out of the register of a mom and pop minimart that I worked at. I quit the week prior, came in the next week to get my last check and the owner told me to go fuck myself and he wasn’t paying me. I went up front, took the money in the register and the remainder of what he owed me out of a deposit bag. He never reported it because he sold coke out the back end of the store. He did threaten me with a gun though.
Mumalot
IMO: you didn't steal anything... you just took what you were owed + a disrespect fee.
P0sit1veTh0ughts
Pretty much. The funny thing is about 6 years later I got a thing in the mail saying I was part of a class action lawsuit. He did the same thing to 19 other people and was being sued. I got an extra 500ish check from that also.
Pokedthebear
Ture story here: the son of a friend (25isch) heard noises from his friends flat next door, but who wasn't there. So he called the police and in fact they caught the burgler in the act. Than the police turned to the sonst flat for the bureaucratic stuff, bec he was the ine who called them. He opened the door and while standing there the police smelled weed and rushed into his flat where hed had like 5 or 6 kilos of weed on the table... stupid fucker...lol
nebraskamitch
I've been in 14 car accidents, 2 of them were not my fault. 6 of the cars were totalled.
mothmam
Maybe stop driving?
Samthetrue
Do you drive for a living? I have been in a bunch as well, though you have me beat.
Your insurance rates must be horrible.
Leaps
You have caused 12 accidents? Unless you drive way more than a normal person, please stop driving!
khaoselement
Off the fuckin' charts Ape Index for me. I'm 5'6", my wingspan is 6'2". I can comfortably touch below my knees without slouching or hunching at all.
DrRad
Have you been evaluated for a connective tissue disease?
khaoselement
I haven't, but my father's ENTIRE family has absurdly long arms, and none of them have any connective tissue diseases. We're just...closer to the apes we came from.
DrRad
Go figure. Good. I was worried you’d die from aortic rupture in your 40’s.
Samthetrue
You know the second amendment was about guns, right? When you punch someone, it's a firing squad.
anjeleyezjr
I spend over 80% of my time fully naked. Almost all clothing feels stifling and painful to me after even a couple hours of wearing it. I have absolutely no problem with people seeing me naked and, if society allowed it, would only wear clothing for utility purposes.
RaZeByFire
Pockets, bro. Would a utility belt work for you?
anjeleyezjr
I mean, yeah? I don't need to carry much when I go out, and a utility belt usually has a fair number of pouches.
Samthetrue
As your neighbor, I can confirm.
CaptainThePirate
I took a loose railroad spike from the tracks by my house in PA growing up and I went to Florida as a teenager for a random different reason and I took it with me and found a specific spot on the ground and buried it and then 17 years later I went back and I dug the spot and it was still there but like a half foot deeper. I buried it in the same spot again. I’ll go back in another few decades to see if it’s there. It’s literally the only reason I will ever go to Florida.
ecglover
Please stop in Ft. Pierce and tell Linda and Marie and James I miss them!!
WholeWheatBunnyHugger
It's the Pennsylvania Rail Spike Burgler! https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1ZWxoZnh2NnpkYm96emEyNXRvMzc1eWw1MHJ2bjR0bGg4ODdjeWdwaSZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/3o6MbrO02elhTFzt4Y/200w.webp
AvidApostate
I have worked on a ranch, in a library, in a taxidermy shop, as a choir singer, as an accountant, as an engineer, as a resin dice maker, a motorcycle coach, and as a drivers ed teacher. I am a woman in my mid 40s. Life is weird.
MuffinProof
Is your name Jarod?
AvidApostate
Is Jarod a woman in his mid 40s?
MuffinProof
No, but he's The Pretender. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115320/
AvidApostate
Wow, that's a deep cut.
AlmostClever
I like to imagine "motorcycle coach" meant you just walked up and down a row of Harley's every day trying to inspire them to be their best selves. "You're AmeriCAN, not AmeriCAN'T" etc.
AvidApostate
Yep, that is absolutely correct!
Solifeaul
Damn, you must be almost finished with all the side quests then
AvidApostate
Not yet. My quest as dog mom is rolling to an end, and as soon as I wrap that up, I'm going to retire the character.
JackIsLacking
Nice try cop, I ain't done nothing bad my entire life.
Imapseudonym
They didn't say the fact had to be about something illegal you did.
arikelrecords2000
They asked for a random facts about yourself
Sometimes, facts are not about illegal things
Larktonguesinadicecup
Let's see a fact about me that's not illegal... Hmm.
JackIsLacking
What? Was my fact not random enough for you?
arikelrecords2000
No.
That's a random fact about me
zekybomb
I feel like the guy who got his safe stolen (the abuser) should have known not to report the contents stolen. Its like the drug dealer in Better Call Saul who had his baseball cards taken and called the cops
EroticZombiePants
I've watched World's Dumbest. You'd be amazed at the dumb things criminals have done. Hell, when I lived in the Chicago area, this happened: https://www.upi.com/Top_News/2005/11/05/Robber-sentenced-after-bragging-on-radio/92811131208568/
TheUglyGuy
Grew up on an island only reachable by ferry. Some guy had his pot grow stolen and he called the cops so they could catch the guy at the ferry dock. They did. He then tried to claim his plants from the cops. That didn't go so well for him.
TI99Kitty
In San Antonio, there was a local newscaster who wound up getting arrested with several gigabytes of child porn on his PC. Guy had reported on people getting arrested with child porn plenty of times, so you'd think he would know better, but there you are.
VileThingz
People who commit crimes rarely do so expecting to get caught. Plenty of people have the "won't be me" mentality for things even outside of criminal activities.
theshinobi23
I'm glad he didn't. Thief was like "fuck this. I might go to jail, but it's for a worthy cause."
Allhailthepossumqueen
I feel like the guy who got his safe stolen shouldn't have been a pedo.
Rogahar
Post says they reported the theft. They probably didn't think OP had cracked the safe, be it due to arrogance or otherwise.
Antrobus55
There was a pretty good football player for the Texas Longhorns who called the cops when someone tried to break into his car. The cops noticed the 5 pounds of weed in a backpack and poof went his scholarship and career.
buckeye27fan11
Ricky Williams? /s
TacoPoweredHelicopter
Not ... Weed!
FiftyShadesOfTiramisu
Never assume people are going to act perfectly rational and in their own best interest. I mean... *gestures at the dumpster fire that is reality*
sfrinlan
There's always the sovereign citizen types who love to argue things as if they're lawyers, like "Those photos were stolen, and are therefore not admissible in court" or some shit
RufusPimperton
Humans are dumb. Even when we're smart, we're just so, incredibly, dumb. I can 100% believe the anger and outrage at having his stuff stolen overwhelmed any critical thinking about what stuff was taken.
GoddessPurpleFrost
Mike being the single voice of reason in how things should be done in both shows, only to have everyone around him act in completely idiotic ways. Mike is best character imo
OverwhelmingSurplusOfDiggity
Intelligence vs wisdom!
tidepool
Probably panicked and figured they couldn’t unlock it and he better get it back before they pry it open and witness the horrors.
LupusLilium
Wouldn't the cops still try to open the safe to confirm the contents belonged to the owner?
OverwhelmingSurplusOfDiggity
That’s actually a good point.
zechor
For some reason I feel like the burglar
1) should have abandoned the safe out in the country somewhere and phoned in a tip to the police and 2) should have had his sentence commuted anyway
yalczero
Definitely. If he did have to go to prison make sure it was the equivalent of Club Fed.
GrandmaSlappy
Really plenty of ways to anonymously tell the police, and I guarentee that safe wasnt the only evidence
CarlBassett
Should have contacted a lawyer. If they told the cops they had evidence of child abuse if the cops will do their client a deal on burglary they'd almost certainly have taken it.
usernametakenisthestoryofmylife
I once bought a license for Winzip.
Devlosirrus
Fake
Blimjoe
I pay for ųtorrent premium
krustysean
I bought thousands of Winzip licenses for a large corp 20 years ago. Still feels weird
retrovector10
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1ZGNnaDU3Z3htcHpvamp1ZnIzMWF3czBoOXAzOWZ2eDk0bWw1dnhiYyZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/7vlB0CU2BEs7e/200w.webp
LenneSamunai
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1cXJpOWU3czBodW9hbXJnZWtlNWlpZjkwY2N2MWFhczV5d2Q0Y2NrayZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/Ni4cpi0uUkd6U/200w.webp say what
RuffyRuffHausen
You fiend
Albertorius
Sure buddy /s
OverwhelmingSurplusOfDiggity
I bought a winrar license a very long time ago, and I still use it on all my PCs.
gemaeuer
around 2000, I paid for CloneCD :-)
TheDreadPirateMontoya
So YOU'RE the one!
Kimsgrim
I went to buy it once then saw it was $50 and noped tf out.
darkstarmc
I bought one for WinRAR and I lost it
peeopeepeee
SAME
DaveSamsonite
I am sure the child sex predator was release from prison before the burglar was.
darthinebriated
And you'd most likely be wrong. Average sentence for CSA is 19 years plus another 22, on average, for the pictures which counts as production of CP. Burglary, on the other hand, averages 1 - 6 years.
DaveSamsonite
That was before the main platform of the Republican party was protecting and pardoning pedophiles and sexual predators
Unknownhost7
..depends entirely on how rich the defendants are however, if in the United States of pedophilia
darthinebriated
Yeah no shit, wealth determines outcomes in most judicial systems in the world.
WhiskyBravo
I bought one for Winrar a billion years ago
MaybeIllDisappear
That sounds more fake than OP's post.
Hrafna55
I paid for Fraps
MarcUK
So did I back in 2012, didn't really use it. It sucks that they lock in the email address you used to buy it. Can't change it.
OverwhelmingSurplusOfDiggity
I worked in game studios for a long time, and we could get it for free just by asking for it from our work emails. Used it in every one of my studios I except for EA, I think.
Fraps is still top-shelf shit because it does exactly one thing, does it exactly the right way, and (at least from a game dev perspective) doesn’t need a subscription, an account, or really anything at all.
RoboUnicornFishBalls
I paid for winrar. Still use it fully licensed but 7zip is much better for new stuff
NorthmanoftheNorth
I paid for winrar at 39 years old after someone made a meme out of actually paying for it. Had pirated it for decades at that point
bl0ke
https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1a3lybWJhZWJ1dm1mZGNicmdzczkxc21uMGhybW15NGdpMjVqZHpmaSZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/kSlJtVrqxDYKk/200w.webp
Dimestream
I used it for a decade before purchasing it. But I eventually did. And now I have to not lose the little license file for next time I change hard drives!
HandoB4Javert
That's what post-it notes are for...
DonaIdJ
Uh oh…
https://www.tomshardware.com/tech-industry/cyber-security/wide-ranging-7-zip-vulnerability-with-8-8-cve-rating-allows-for-code-execution-hundreds-of-millions-of-machines-potentially-at-risk
Frostedjakes
Seems like an easy fix if all you have to do is update to the current version, which you should be doing anyway exactly for this reason.