What actually is Australia?

Some of you may know famous Aussie actor Erik Banner, what you may not know is he started out doing some great comedy on Aussie TV playing the quintisential Bogan (lower class Bloke). I'm gunna give you an idea of what living as a bogan in the lower states of Australia entails.

This is a fucking champ, don't know his name but he's everyones mate. Note the blue singlet (bluey) and the beer in hand (victoria bitter VB). I can guarantee this c*nt has a spare cigarette (durrie, dart, ciggie) and drives a sick fucking Ute (truck in america). He was probably a tradie (tradesperson) or worked in a factory somewhere and after work would head down the pub for a schooner and chinwag (chat). Maaaaaatw

This is the most available beer in Australia, it's like making love in a canoe drunk. Fucking close to water and soaked in piss. It'l get you through a 40°c (104°f) and you can smash a case (slab) no worries while shouting at your dog and punching cunts.

We do have a huge micro brewery industry thats in line with the rest of the worlds brewing trends. We also have a wonderful wine industry that excelles in shiraz, merlot and rosè wines. anything to get you smashed and turn you into a loose unit. We also invented the best drinking game, Goon of fortune. It's a wine bag suspended from a spinning washing line, we stand round it, spin the bag round and whoever it stops closest to has to scull some of the cheap shitty goon. Bloody beautiful.

This is our favourite quisine, the beef pie, its simple, tady and can be eaten without putting down your beer. Get that in your funhole. We also have some of the best beef, seafood and local producers in the world but alas you can't grab tapas at a servo (service station, garage) so smashing pies is our go to.

Every fucking spring these bastards get up us to keep their chicks safe. Magpies can get fucked. They are terrifying, they'll cut your head up and they sound like a slowly deflating squeaky toy every morning. As you can tell they are a symbol of our culture as well as a symbol for a ripper footy team (Aussie rules football)

I mentioned the heat didn't i? we are an arid country which is why the vast majority of our population lives by the coast. The hottest day i've been through down south is 45°c, 113°f. That was shithouse, but it's not always hot here, we have days of near freezing tempretures during winter with snow in some unexpected areas. It's really pleasent for about 6 months of the year, the rest is freezing you balls off or sweating your ass off.

Everyone knows we have some deadly animals, maybe lots of deadly animals. These red back spiders are everywhere, they can be pretty deadly and can get to the thickness of your thumb, we also have funnell web spiders that are super dangerous and huntsmen as big as your hand. They'll make you shit bricks when you go to open the bins and these bastards are under the lid.

These are probably our most dangerous species, fucking Roos.The adult kangaroo can get to 6" and will kick through your ribs like foam packing, but the main problem is they jump out at you when your fanging along on the highway and will fuck up your day.

This is the result. Some poor bastard was heading over to Speewah to root Sharon when skippy, the bush fuck knuckle, jumps out and smashes his ute. Shits fucked. cunts fucked.... fucks fucked.

But in the end we come back to some choice bloke smashing tinnies (cans of beer) and smoking winnies ( cigarette brand) with a sick mullet and thongs who turns out to be everyones best mate and a top bloke. Good on ya Straya, we love ya and get a dog up ya.