Losing the will

This year, this life...it is all tumultuous. It is one thing after another. It is endless. Trauma really does have a way of hollowing you out... and I feel like a pumpkin being prepared for Halloween these days.
"The horrors persist, but so do I."
I am tired of being strong, but I'm not done yet. I'm tired of fighting uphill but I will still do it. I'm tired of feeling misunderstood or alone in my motherhood, or in my empathy. But I will not be waived. I am an emotional person who shifts decisions through a logical sieve as best I can when it comes to parenting - I try to build my sieve with educated sources.

I don't know what's going to happen with my youngest two children. They are currently in the care of the state of Utah, removed from the home of my ex. Not one person stepped forward to house them, which means they will shortly move from the temporary housing to a foster home.

I have been instructed to be ready to retrieve them at a moment's notice - and I have a mountain of preparation to complete. Even if it's just in case. (Anyone want to help me job hunt a well paying job with insurance....?) But I'm terrified that the time will come where they will tell me to come get them, and I won't be able to because I can't afford it.

Please, share this link.... Even if it's all you can do, it is mountains of helpful. I could not live with myself if my sons become permanent placements in foster care simply because I can't afford to go get them.

https://gofund.me/3433ab65a