Ignore Me

I update every so often about my life & I’m often ignored, which I’m fine with because I’ve been on here less than two years & I’m still figuring this site out (especially since I’m just on the app).

But honestly, I need to vent.

I’ve had a pretty rough life & have severe mental issues that I don’t even want to get into right now. I’ve always had this weird love affair with Death. I taught myself how to read at the age of two by reading the Bible & the book of Revelations was one of my favorite books. I have zero idea why but here it is.

I lived in very… perilous conditions & I literally didn’t think I’d live to see the age of nine. But of course I did & went on to have a near death experience when I was 10. It really opened my eyes to the fact of my own death & instead of being scared, I honestly wished I’d have just died.

I had my first suicide attempt right after. Years went by & I had another suicide attempt in high school. I honestly tried to hide my problems but I was a total basket case as a teen. It led to drinking & drugs & I honestly can’t remember much of my high school career beyond the fact that I messed up my academic standing (not alone but that’s American high school).

My third suicide attempt was in my early to mid 20s. College was a little rough on me & I wasn’t doing so well with my health. After that, I made up in my mind that my next attempt would be my last but my best friend talked me out of it.

Things went worse for me after that & it was always in the back of my mind that I would totally kill myself when the opportunity was right. It brought me peace.

Things got worse for me though as loved ones died, got sick, went away, I left school & my health deteriorated. I was sorely depressed & became slightly agoraphobic. I rarely left the house & became frightened of everything.

In 2016, I went back to school after some struggles but a major blessing in gaining income. School was very difficult for me but somehow I was blessed enough to get high marks. Unfortunately I was still having problems with my mental health.

It seemed nothing could make me happy & I was so tired all the time. I even ended up at a mental health hospital because I was doing so poorly. I was able to get on good meds after that & see a good therapist but I fortunately it didn’t last long.

I couldn’t afford to go back to school this 2017-2018 year so I resigned myself to trying to better myself & although I’ve had ups & downs, I feel like I’ve done… enough to be a complete failure.

But I’m still struggling with my mental health issues & I’ve recently Tun out of medication. I’ve had so many problems with my pharmacy & I’ve only ever really bothered with them because they are only a mile away & I can walk to it easily. Now it’s just a fucking headache.

Things have tumbled over themselves with my period (I know; it’s gross) lasting since Thanksgiving, our housing situation, rising bills, family woes, deaths and literally a toothache/ear infection I just got Monday that keeps me from taking any & all other medication, I’m at my wits end.

I got a new psychiatrist, therapist & case manager. So far it’s been mostly paperwork & we’ll get into the “good” stuff in my upcoming appointments but I’m really shy, reserved & private. If I didn’t feel like my brain was melting, I wouldn’t even be able to post this. I’m literally the greatest secret keeper I know. There’s things in the past that I’ve said exactly nothing about, even though it might have been better if I did. I suck at talking. Always have. Most people in school thought I was mute. There’s three people in my entire life I’ve ever REALLY talked to & one recently died, the other I haven’t talked to in years & the last in my mother, whom I have a rocky relationship with.

Being like this is a burden when you feel like you’re going to explode. & I do. I truly feel like I’m going to keel over at any moment. The last few months have had me having sudden urges to cry but luckily for my (extremely wrong) view of weakness & crying, I have extreme dry eye & it’s physically very hard for me to weep.

But this past Monday? I awoke crying. I have no idea why but I literally blinked awake & water was running down my face. I had to lie in bed for an hour to try to get it to stop. I’ve tried to ignore it happened but this week has been hard. There’s the toothache/ear infection, my menstration, my lack of sleep, my night terrors (a whole other issue I don’t want to get into), my racing thoughts, my lack of concentration & motivation…

I’m just really up the river. At this very moment, I feel in a whirlwind & like I could burst into tears. I don’t mean to complain & I completely understand not liking this post for all the whining. I literally didn’t know what else to do. I’m a really intense music lover. Music soothes the savage breast was written about me. I have to have music going while I’m asleep so I CAN sleep. I play music constantly. I mean it’s a THING! But I just took off my headphones because I couldn’t bear to listen to another note. I kept changing the song thinking I could find the right one but I’m starting to think there is no right one.

Reading & writing also used to bring great comfort but I can do neither of those things anymore. I haven’t picked up a book or written a word since last weekend. & it was thready then. Art & photography used to bring great comfort. But I literally just can’t. Neither does films & television. I like old TV & movies but I can’t concentrate & everything just sounds like racket.

I’m not eating much, I’m not sleeping. My eyes literally burn & I don’t even know what that means. I just feel like I’m going crazy & that I’m drowning. I guess I’m just reaching for a lifeline.

TL:DR; sob story, reaching out.