It's depression time again

I don't expect anyone to read this, in fact the only reason I'm posting this is because writing it out and venting help me feel like I have said it, without having to burden someone with my shit. Recently, I cant stop myself from lingering on how lonely I am, anytime i read about a happy couple, or think about a strongly built relationship I break down ( sometimes into tears) I cannot stand the idea that I will probably be alone for a lot longer. The last time I received a hug from someone I cried. not from the physical touch of another human being, but from realizing that no-one had cared enough about me to do so before hand, that was so long ago. I constantly feel as if I don't want to be alive, I just cannot stand the idea of my death hurting my family.
I don't want someone to have physical companionship with (It would be nice to be open enough for that but that is not my focus by any means) I ache for someone to care about me, for companionship . I get little messages from people I sometimes game with now and again to make sure I have not killed myself, but that's about it. no texts, no calls, no emails. I just want to know that someone likes me enough to be around me, without façade of it being with a group or out o pity. I am so tired. So tired.
I feel as if being alone will last forever (I am doing online school and live in an isolated location). A lot of the blame lies on me, I'm not socially adept, even if someone were interested in my, I probably could not pick up on the signs. I recently caught something ( presumably covid but I don't know) and have isolated myself further to compensate for being sick and not wanting to infect others, this has left me unable to go to therapy.
I do not date people for several reasons, one of many being that I have not worked since march due to covid and school. If I were to date someone there would need to be a long time of me knowing them before I felt comfortable being physically intimate with them, and it would take a lot of work beforehand. I don't believe I will find someone who cares enough to stick around for that long and it hurts me. I have so little faith left.
I recently started school because the line of work I was in was never going to change my life significantly for the better. I started school with a goal of legal path, then decided that the justice system was something I cannot abide. I have recently decided to switch to an engineering path. I have little experience with math and I have never had to put effort into my school work before. I fear that if I fail in this last goal, i wont have the will to go on. It scares me, I have exhausted myself in many ways and now am only tired. I pray I will have the strength to reach my goal and that this will only be a dark spot in an otherwise happy life, but my reality has never supported such thoughts.
If you made it this far I'm sorry, you have a good day.