BitchImCanadian
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52
8
IMHO...
Context- my fiance is currently in a very tedious and pointless court case over his daughter, who we have had custody of since she was born. He's an amazing dad, and I've raised her like she's my own kid, but every judge he's been in front of has been dismissive of him, completely favouring the birth mother, who has probably seen our 15 month old kid for two weeks time since she was born(and she has had plenty of opportunity to see our kid, she just doesn't bother).
CrayCray18
Agreed!
atari5200
True. A male manager at my work recently won custody of his daughter, but she was old enough to testify of mother's drunken behaviors
Tiderion
Yup. Sadly, this happens all the time.
OthelloMyPallo
completely agree with you OP
TheDonkeyBomber
So 15 months ago he had a kid with another woman, and now you two are getting married? Rush much?
BitchImCanadian
It's a complicated situation. His ex left him when she was 3 months along, he met me, I wanted to be with him, kid or no, so we're together.
NiSiSuinegEht
This is unfortunately true. Seen too many cases where a stably employed father making good money lost custody to his drug addicted ex-wife .
BitchImCanadian
And then the stably employed father ends up barely keeping his tiny apartment and only means of transportation to work. It's bad.
NiSiSuinegEht
I have heard of cases where the remarried parent with a spouse ready to adopt the child can be more attractive to the court. Best of luck!
QuaqueNocte
At 15 months you've barely begun the raising process. But yea, normally they have to find incriminating stuff to not award the mom custody.
BitchImCanadian
She gave up custody. And at 15 months, the raising process IS barely begun- but it's far enough along that she doesn't know our kid.
QuaqueNocte
Well it's actually her kid and maybe she does want to know it. It is just as much her kid as it is your fiance's. You can imagine it's (1)
QuaqueNocte
(2) difficult for a judge to make the decision because both parents have the right to the child unless one is found abusive or neglectful.
BitchImCanadian
The thing is, if the genders were reversed, a father acting like her would find so many obstacles which aren't there for her. V frustrating.
BitchImCanadian
And the reason they typically award the mother custody is because society designates her as the caretaker. Which is horribly sexist. :/
QuaqueNocte
I know, we still have that "mother is the nurturing one" mentality even if some mothers aren't. Can't you guys agree on joint custody?
BitchImCanadian
As well, she's very childish. She quite often refuses contact and makes up an excuse for court.
BitchImCanadian
We've had 3 different court ordered access agreements over the past year, and she usually shows up for a month after they're made then stops
QuaqueNocte
Maybe joint custody would be better but unless she's abusive and neglectful I don't think you should discourage her from trying to be (1)
BitchImCanadian
Personally, I define neglect as not knowing her, not seeing her, and not making an effort to be a parent. She does nothing for the child.
QuaqueNocte
(2) a mother now. As the child of divorcees who went through a custody battle, it's not fair to the child.
BitchImCanadian
What would be more confusing for her, having two caring parents who love each other, or three parents who hate each other?
pgdave
Yup - another instance of the problems of the patriarchy (which for so long designated "woman" as "caretaker" that it hasn't fixed itself)
PraiseMelora
This is why I say that gender roles affect men just as much as they affect women.
pgdave
Affect, yes, harm, no.
DoubleStuf
Not "as much", but gender roles do significantly harm men, too.
BitchImCanadian
So a father having a large portion of his income garnished isn't harm? A father only seeing his kid 4 days a month isn't harm? (1)
BitchImCanadian
A father going broke because of alimony and child support isn't harm? Father's get the shit end of the stick when it comes to divorce.
pgdave
I think you misunderstand - men are harmed by the patriarchy - not as much as women are harmed by the patriarchy.