Burnout recovery: Meds work, still gotta to the work

I went almost 4 decades of my life building a vast network of coping mechanisms for my undiagnosed ADHD. The pandemic took away my structure and my copes stopped working. I floundered and learned I had less social/family support than I'd thought. A few years of breakdowns later and I got diagnosed. I'd tried meds and therapy before, during, and after diagnosis but it seems like this is the first time things have actually clicked. So what's different this time?

I'm not working against myself. I'm not trying to "overcome" the ADHD and PTSD. The things that help with burnout (getting enough food, water, sleep, and exercise) also helps by ADHD but I wasn't shaking the debilitating depression and anxiety. My doc got me on an antidepressant and, after a rough first week, the change has been incredible.

I can catch myself when I engage in negative self talk, self abuse/neglect, or other harmful behaviors. I can catch myself when I'm starting to spiral. I don't catch them every time, but more and more each week.

Maybe someday I can stop taking the meds, but right now they're giving me the space I need to see that I'm okay, things are okay, I'm safe, the people I love are safe.

Most importantly they give me space to begin forgiving and accepting myself. Both for the choices I made in the past and for how I'm handling my present. It's hard to not compare myself to how I was before all the breakdowns and trauma but that was a Faustian bargain. I was "successful" but it was destroying me. Now I'm learning to be kind to myself. Actually knowing and honoring my needs and boundaries is hard because I haven't done it before. That's okay

The last few days have been shaky. I'm not much of a drinker and I was told the meds often clash with booze so I just abstained. But there was a birthday and another celebration, I had one drink two days in a row and I think that was enough. I super overslept 3 days in a row, my appetite tanked again, the guilt, fear, and regret started inching back. It's kind of a bummer, but I'd rather be free of the misery than catch a buzz.

I've been slipping from my routines and self care so I'm going to gently work on getting back on the horse. I've got to be the person I need, no one is coming to save me. I can't wait for things to improve, I've had a lifetime of waiting, I have to be the one that makes things better for me.