Tldr: TRIGGER WARNINGS; PLEASE seek treatment. Thank you for being here today. YOU MATTER.

***If you’re struggling PLEASE at least read #7. You don’t have to care about my story..just THANK YOU for still being here today.**…. I just want to warn anyone who wants to read this that I am going to be discussing homelessness, my struggles with benzo addiction and withdrawing...Please. I don’t need any further degradation….. I am at an extremely vulnerable point in my life.. I wanted to make a change for my health, my family, my future…. It just seems like it’s all backfiring. I don’t need anyone’s help to feel worse… please don’t belittle me for trying to do better.please…I’m trying my best.

**** CONTENT WARNING***** TRIGGER WARNING******PLEASE BE ADVISED*****PLEASE BE KIND*********

I don’t actually know how to start this… or where to start……please forgive me for not knowing how to approach this better…For most of my life I have been on many medications, but have really struggled to keep up with the payments and costs… I’ve tried to continue my treatment AND DESPERATELY URGE OTHERS TO SEEK TREATMENT IF NEEDED because I’m CONFIDENT that I would not be here today if it had not been for the professional help that I received throughout my life.
…..W i t h t h a t b e i n g s a i d ….
I recently stopped taking my medications and seeing my psychiatrist….

I don’t have too much weight to lose in the first place so dropping this much this quickly is extremely scary for me….I became very weak, and even fractured my wrist by barely putting pressure on it..which of course isn’t making anything easier…I’m experiencing extremely harsh side effects of “benzo belly” which make it difficult to eat or drink anything. Im not going to lie, we didn’t have much food available in the first place…but after stopping treatment eating seemed impossible to do anyways..(I’ve included a link with more info on Benzo belly if youre interested) https://fherehab.com/learning/benzo-belly thankfully my stomach has slightly improved and I’m not dropping weight *quite* as drastically as before, but I’m very underweight now, still unable to have legit “meals”, and have to be extremely careful with how and what I eat…

Im hesitant to go into too much detail of the horrors of withdrawing from medications that you’ve been on for over 20 years… I wish it were for other reasons but to be blunt, I stopped because we just couldn’t afford it anymore and I was so exhausted from choosing between rent and treatment, I thought maybe if I didn’t need to pay for doctors visits and prescriptions that my quality of life would improve and we could actually afford stupid things like groceries… I wanted to make my life & the life for my family better by doing this..by “going sober” but I’m in constant pain from the side effects of withdrawing, I feel so unbelievably guilty for dragging my family down, and I’m so extremely fragile both mentally and physically…I’m just so tired of it all. I’m sharing my experience so far because this process has been very scary and lonely….. maybe I’m writing this to help my sanity just as much as I’m writing it for awareness…

Ive said it before and I’ll say it a million more times. PLEASE SEEK TREATMENT for your mental health needs.. I WOULD NOT STILL BE HERE if it weren’t for the guidance and treatment from the professionals that I received throughout my life…. I am in no way discouraging anyone to not seek help or to stop their medications..I don’t believe I would have stopped my treatment if I wasn’t facing eviction/in the financial situation that I’m in…but I am still happy I did. I keep telling myself that this is the difficult part and it’ll get better if I just keep going. I don’t want to revert back to how things used to be. I’ve been on the pills for so many years, now that I’ve been off I feel like I can think a little more clearly..I can almost operate more normally….I want to keep going. I know I can be a better person for my family and for myself..if you feel hopeless in your own situation please keep going! I believe in you even if I don’t know you!

I’ve been extremely nasty towards myself, which is why I kindly ask that if you’re thinking of commenting something negative to please reconsider…I’ve been in very dark places and very close to ending things over the past 20 years…I don’t want to be like that anymore. I’m trying to be better than what I was.
this year and last have been extremely difficult….we’ve been battling homelessness (and I’m pretty sure soon we might be homeless….) been (barely) able to avoid eviction up to this point, but rent keeps going up, and our situation keeps going down.. we haven’t paid the electric or gas this month, I cant borrow money from someone knowing that I won’t be able to return it….the whole point of me getting off my meds was (yes, to improve my life) but also to save money…so I can’t say its not frustrating…We’ve started the process of selling anything of ours that isn’t nailed down…I’m not quite sure what our options are at this point, but i consider us lucky to at least have a short time to try to figure it out and offload things that we don’t need/can’t carry… on the bright side I’m finally downsizing! *everything must go* style..I’m doing my best to remain positive

This experience has been extremely depressing and stressful and painful but I want it to work out. I want to be better. I want to live. Things have been very dark for me for a very long time. And I know that can be said for many of us….. thank you for being here today. i know we say it often, but please take it from someone who truly understands how dark things can get, I am so thrilled that you are still here. Thank you so much. You are so special and I am so happy that you’re still here, even if I don’t know you. You matter, even if it feels hopeless.. please don’t give up. I won’t give up if you don’t.