prosper020
53916
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I’ve been in 5 different romantic relationships, and sexy times happened in all of them, but I’ve never had sex outside of a relationship. I don’t even know if it’s actually a thing or just a trope, I’m so ignorant. I have never knowingly been in a situation where something could have happened, but with all I read online, I probably was numerous times.
Honestly. I’ve dabbled in Tinder in the years I’ve been single, but I have so little game / understanding of it all that nothing has ever come of it. Ive never been a big part of the bar or party scenes. I did some in college, but even then the most I got was some flirting and I have NO idea what I am doing there. It’s hard to practice something when you don’t ever know when practice is happening.
I’ve tried apps that are for dating in hopes of finding a new relationship because I am sick of being alone, but I am bad at those as well it appears. When someone does chat with me the convo quickly feels like I’m interviewing a fish. How am I able to seem good at conversing when in person, but so bad at it online? I’m an introvert for crying out loud.
It’s been over two years since I’ve been in a relationship. I really miss having someone to be around and make happy and makes me happy. The longest I’ve gone is some amount over three years. It’s enough time to feel like I’ve forgotten things. “Is this flirting or just a human being kind?” My PTSD doesn’t really help with that either lol.
Eepy boi tax.
Thank you for coming to my Void Scream.
Front page edit: thank you all for the advice, whether it was good advice to follow or good advice to ignore.
I wanted to add an extra cat tax picture, but I am currently unable to figure out how to do so.
ColleenMarie
I went through a "Ho phase" as a 41 year old woman before I met my forever dude. I don't regret it, but it wasn't as fun as I made it out to be. I went to the local bar, made friends with a couple of bartenders, and only flirted with construction workers in the area for a project. It was unfulfilling.
CaptainThePirate
Gonna start going to bars with a Hawaiian shirt and a hard hat.
MrFancyPanzer
You guys are having sex?
taez555
Lostchild12
I remember when those were called Torpedo's.
FridaMercury
I can't get a read on you. Are you saying you want a relationship or you want to find a hook up, or you want a relationship so you can have sex?
prosper020
It’s a confession about a lack of knowledge and existence of sex life.
What I would like one day is a relationship.
Having sex in between relationships would be nice too.
FridaMercury
I would say just be careful not to get into a relationship so that you can have sex. That can be very hurtful for the other person.
prosper020
Agreed, I’ve been not getting into relationships just for sex since I was born.
Cushionhead
Dude same. I really want to get into a relationship again. Isolation has helped me realize a few things though. 1) I miss intimacy more than sex. 2) it's a narrow line to tread having intimate female friends and not making it weird as a guy. 3) the correct way to fix this deficit of intimacy as a guy is with other men, making friendships with real meaning. 4) Jesus Christ, 95% of men in their mid 20s have the emotional intelligence of a toaster.
Hotsauceman
I can’t wait to read these comments
Rogerwilco1974
7 hours after your comment and you are second from the top, so I can only assume they will not live up to your expectations
Hotsauceman
Oh they still are
prosper020
Same honestly lol
OhIfIMust
varyael
I've had a little of it all. Just meeting friends near me is difficult
Nerfgunner
How about older women, aren't they in your area?
RipThemUpRatchet
My best advice: If you look for it, you’ll find mediocre instances of it. If you look for yourself, instead, you might find ‘the one.’ What do you like doing? Join a club for it, go to a rally or event for it. Join a team. Forget about romantic partners and work on making yourself the best “you” you can be. Every man I’ve seen doing this is usually scooped up pretty quickly. Don’t get attached, though - stay attached to your own journey for a while. Find yourself first.
prosper020
Making myself my best me is been my overarching goal for a decade now. Most of the people I have been in a relationship with in that time were abusive and tore me down, one of them being why I have ptsd. I seem to be always building up to find someone who hides the fact that they tear others down. What I want to find someone who enjoys being around me and that I enjoy being around. whereas now all the people physically around me are super negative. Sex is great, but what I miss is connection.
evolution4407
Maybe I misunderstood your original post. I thought you were looking for casual sex. But regardless if it's casual sex or an actual love connection, TearEmUpTara's advice is absolutely correct. Take up hobbies, join clubs, participate in charities, travel, etc. Yes, you're making yourself more interesting, but additionally you're putting yourself in places and situations that allow you to meet girls and let them get to know you.
supercalifragilisticexpialidociousl
But…..the kitty is really cute.
Arbitrarynamehere
At least he's got some pussy
prosper020
He is, he knows this, and he weapons it lol.
supercalifragilisticexpialidociousl
Yeah, I have a cat like that too.
Foxsayy
thoushaltnotpass
My 20y relationship broke 2 years ago but in reality I haven't been physical in 5 years. The last 6 months I've considerably improved my physical condition and lost 12 kg (almost normal weight now). This greatly improved my confidence. Last month I was at the school party and saw my high school crush on the next table. We had a thing but it never went anywhere by that time. Took me a week to build my confidence and send her a message on fb to connect. She was friendly :)
thoushaltnotpass
at some point asked if she was free to have a coffee this week-end and then silence. Back and forth 2-3 messages I understand that she isn't interested. That sucks :(
tallyhoho
Good on you for trying though! You know what to do and now have the confidence to do it!
thoushaltnotpass
Exactly! Still a bit sad because even if she wasn't romantically interested I was really curious of her whereabouts, but I can't blame her from cutting it short.
tallyhoho
Eh sometimes people just aren't in the right place to start something which has nothing to do with you at all. Just remember that going forward, it's usually not you
DodyShiratori
The year I turned 30, I decided to have a one night stand as an experiment. That one night stand turned into a 5 year long marriage (and counting) with 2 kids. I've never been more happy to fail at something so spectacularly
Bystandr
So, you're single?
ToneLock
that is a no for me
prosper020
Extremely
drezrale
Most of us are. Personally I've mostly just had hook up, and never actual relationships due to my PTSD issues or side of a few legal marriages for tax purposes. I have an ungodly amount of baggage that people tend to not be able to handle.
So don't worry about finding people, you have a cat. The cat is better than people and more snuggly too... I can't have a cat so consider yourself lucky
PurifiedInTheWatersOfLakeMinnetonka
Congrats! Some of us are married and still not getting any ☹️
PurifiedInTheWatersOfLakeMinnetonka
Not that I don’t love my spouse - I absolutely do…but it’s been a LONG time.
?1
Hotsauceman
What’s the conversation like?
PurifiedInTheWatersOfLakeMinnetonka
The one in my head or the other one that doesn’t happen?
tallyhoho
If the love is still there you got a chance! I know sometimes I'm just really tired at the end of the day. Do dinner, clean up while she relaxes and then try a nice foot massage. Or maybe in the morning or weekend afternoon?
PurifiedInTheWatersOfLakeMinnetonka
It is but for various reasons I shouldn’t share, the physical part has become a non-starter for her. I believe it started with pain/discomfort and has grown into a complete lack of interest. But the relationship is still excellent. 🤷♂️
Shiki487
Holy crap, someone who is just like me in every way you have described! I am so lost when it comes to all that stuff!
Grimvarr
It's like I posted this myself, so incredibly relatable, so depressing.
Exyr
I too am a serial monogamist.
TheJuiceLoosener
Arguably, also a serial polygamist.
prosper020
Ooo finely put.
InkyBlinkyPinkyAndClyde
I had a few hookups but I simply don't enjoy them as much as a relationship. So same. Now I'm married so hopefully it's the last in the series.
Over400
There’s always RP.
Warmandcozy
I want to upvote in solidarity, but it's at 69... sorry, my hands are tied
darthnerdus6236
If a person requires an emotional bond for sex, they are frequently referred to as demisexual too.
pleaseuseotherdoor
I am the opposite. You are better off, for sure.
ILiekToCookAndBake
One of us one of us
NarratesTheDarkerStory
this is great. new idea for a dating app for people like us that have no Idea how to read romantic or lustful social situations. maybe call it "So..." or something. feel free to spitball. pics always include whatever collections you have. Come on, you have a collection. we all do. or else we'd be getting laid. (/s on that last)
morrighan42
You're constantly jumping from one shoet term relationship to the next
Exyr
Usually 5-6 years and then I have my back up and we always get together while I find another person.
ThomasTheWankEnglne
hahahahaahaha hello woman, i am trying to "find" sex. would you like to assist me?
DangerBaer
"I lost my sex, can I borrow yours?"
HarryBeauner
EpicCheeseDanish
Had a one night stand once. It was awful. Some people aren’t built for it. It’s fine.
Lurkingmemethief
IKEA?
MisuseOfLiterally
I had multiple one night stands, some were wonderful, some were awful.
Like anything else, it shouldnt be bundled all in the same basket and judged as all the same
thomn8r
Yeah, got mine at a garage sale - turned out it had dry rot and mold.
GerbilHereReportingLiveFromRichardGeresAss
Exactly the same. I ain't built for this. Sex is much better for me when there's emotional attachment, if I wanted to release some tension I'd rub one out or find a prostitute.
spacecowboyein
Yeah I'd rather get a prostitute (if it was regulated and safe) than a one-night stand. If we're taking emotional attachment out of the picture then I think that's preferable to have absolutely 0 strings attached. But ideally I date hoping for it to develop into a meaningful relationship.
STGxDante
But then they'll expect a big tip at the end
hamulusrex
I have a floating night stand. It's pretty sweet.
BoobJiggle
I've had several, and each one I ended up regretting after the fact. Took me a while to figure out I desire more to wake up to the same face everyday, then I do getting laid. Getting laid is nice and all, but it's a distant 2nd to cuddling with someone, or falling asleep in someone's arms. I'm a 38yo dude, been married twice, cheated on by both. Took a few years to realize it really was my fault. That I wasn't giving enough affection or attention. And that's all on me.
BoobJiggle
I'm hyper-antisocial, to the point where I enjoy solitude to the degree that it would drive most other people insane. I've actually lived six months of my life without speaking a single word to another human being, and it was magical. One of the best periods my life.. but liking and desiring that much alone time can make relationships difficult, because I have to make the conscious effort to spend time with someone and share in their life's events, not just expect them to always be there.
Chronomechanist
I don't remember writing this
BoobJiggle
You and I have a very similar story? That's what I got from your comment
Chronomechanist
My fiancée cheated on me because I didn't give her enough attention. I tried, but it wasn't enough for her. I'm too comfortable with just being by myself, though that doesn't mean I don't want someone to love to share my space with.
BoobJiggle
Yeah, that tells me we have had very similar experiences. I adore, and truly need a large part of my day being completely alone. But most people can't understand that. Even being intimate with someone requires energy and effort, and my solitude is how I calm and recharge. Not giving enough attention has been a fatal flaw of mine for a long time, and I have worked on fixing it, but there's a balance to be found with each person. Sadly I haven't found the right one yet, running outta time.. 38yo
BoobJiggle
I'm going to blow today's accolades on your most recent posts, thank you for commenting, and it was lovely interacting with you. I'm sorry for the pain that we've both endured, believe me when I say I know exactly how much that hurts. And it's the kind of pain that you carry with you for a very long time.
Hope you have a wonderful day, and weekend, when it comes, kind of stranger.
prosper020
I always avoided anything like that because I was raised to think that one night stands were sleazy, meant you didn’t respect the other person as a human, and that they were generally bad. Yay parental damage lol. I do wonder if they are for me or not.
slyfox001
I started most of my 2+ year relationships with a first date sleepover that if they left would've been a one night stand. Never had a one night stand, but only due to circumstance not intent. Tried, they didn't leave and we dated haha
AFallenDragon
Maybe. Some peeps don't want a relationship & are perfectly fine just hooking up with peeps, some aren't okay with it. As long as both sides consent there's nothing wrong with either :) .
Deddead3
I was also raised like that. Had a few in college. Sometimes 2 people (or more, I don't judge) just wanna bone. Long as everyone has fun in whatever happens, does it really matter?
Also learned they're not really my thing. I catch feelings WAY too easy.
TsungiHorn
They don't have to be awful, but it's also okay for them to not be for you. I was single for 7 years between meeting my now-wife and my previous SO. It sucked, and I was awful at dating, but its much better to take a while to meet the right person than to be "good at dating" and constantly being with the wrong ones.
NairouTryyshokk
Raised that way, broke out of it myself, have had a few hookups. In my mind it comes from separating love and lust as emotions. I can lust after someone while feeling no love for them, and vise versa. Not everyone can do this and that's fine, but if you want more casual sex it's a good place to start. That, and good ol fashioned communication.
empire161
Same. I’d sleep with a girl then feel guilty for “using” her, and to prove I wasn’t an asshole, would obsess/love bomb/plan our wedding even if I didn’t like her. It wasn’t until I stopped feeling guilty & was upfront with girls that flings/ONS/drunken hookups became actual fun.
MrSwissroll
Sorry to hear it, op.
larslikeslaughs
That gif is an interesting choice, since sex wasn't really a topic in Avatar, thank God, but still Zuko interrupts Sokka from making out with his girlfriend, the guy he is saying this line to 😂😂
prosper020
Thank you!
I wish more people understood how much this kind of a response means. Too many people I meet try to give advice when they ask about my depression or ptsd. People just want to be heard, and know that they were heard. Also no one is going to just fix someone’s depression or ptsd.
TheobromineAddict
Maybe you should pay somebody to have sex with you. In the long run, that's cheaper than being in a relationship.
AtomicOx
Being buy-sexual has advantages
meganical
It exists and it is disappointing. Well, at least guys are always up for hooking up after what could barely constitute as a date. Nobody likes to use protection and ghosting is expected. I don’t enjoy the act itself unfortunately for me. I hate my brain and its stupid standards and desire for love or a higher connection
granturismohawk6
Same, I don't know when someone is flirting with me and when is being nice considered flirting? Heck, I don't even know how people manage to have one night stands. Hopefully, things will turn around for you soon. There are more people like yourself than you know.
Redyls
last time i was in a relationship i was 18. im turning 40 soon. no dating, no hook ups, no nothing in between. and i listen to people complain about not getting it for so long as if it is so hard and that it matters. weeks? months? years? wanna try two decades? because youve been too busy trying to survive? while trying to keep sick full time care parents alive, from homelessness and starvation? while a sibling doesnt help, steals them blind and shits on you the whole time? now that is lonely
Redyls
i wanted more than anything to... be normal. have friends, party, go to college, have a career, start a business, hook up, date, get married, start a family and so much more. instead i get to scrape by on part time work. no help from the gov. because the US is a shithole. have no one to rely on. ive tried to have those, only to be denied at every turn. now im showing signs of getting sick. im out of time and ill never get to have any of those things.
actionkebab365
Same story, here.
prosper020
I am very sorry to hear that you have had a harder life than most.
Redyls
Thanks. im just trying to give some perspective. only advice i can really give is. dont waste time and find something that makes you happy and that actually matters. sorry if ive made you or anyone sad
CarInAVet
A few months back my coworker told me about how her then-bf kept finding reasons to get mad at her and break up while she was out of town so he could date other women, then make up when she got back. She knew what he was doing and hooked up with different men while he was hooking up with different women. The whole time she's telling me this story, all I could think was "Majorly unhealthy relationship aside, where do y'all even FIND that many people to have sex with?!"
LaffertyDanie1
I had two relationships that covered the last 10 years and find myself single again in my 30s. I have no idea how to date
SpaceHaggis
It happens.
At a party two strangers reach for a can of pringles at the same time, their hands touch, their eyes meet.
I never did get any pringles though
prosper020
Fanner50
Sometimes you’ll find it on the sidewalk, just lying there. But I’ve heard that’s how you get the clap.
backrideup9
Is it weird if I bring my Pringles from home? I need all the help I can get.
HogWashDiddler
Everyone can fuck a pringles can. But, no one can fuck it well.
prosper020
PaperinoVB
I've seen a video with a pringles can, a sponge and... well, NVM.
sleepinggreenidea
It's easy. You just strap on your sex helmet and squeeze down into a sex cannon and fire off into Sexland where sex grow on sexies.
KidAmnesia
Well how did your previous relationships start? For most adults, relationships start as a hook up that ends up getting more involved.
prosper020
Meeting someone through happenstance, talking, then texting, then meeting in person again a few times, maybe spontaneously holding hands or something, then committing to a relationship.
Through therapy and introspection, I’m starting to realize that my mom’s extremely stunted sex life probably lead her to the teaching us that sex is taboo and shouldn’t be sought out. Also my first relationship was very very damaging and only made my view of sex more confusing. HBU?
Greymalum
Usually, when we humans want to feed our impulses, we need to look inward to understand what is driving that desire. Working on ourselves gets us closer to the real goal of being ready for such relationships.
prosper020
I have a desire to share what makes me happy with someone who makes me happy. For that act to make them happy and for the act of them reciprocating said act to make them happy as well.
Sex is just an awesome bonus that I miss.
Also cuddles, I’m a little bit of a cuddle slut.
Greymalum
You may not like my response, though if it is helpful, here it is. We often have a habit of forcing others into molds that don't fit, and then we are saddened by the loss of our expectations. We must learn to fulfill our own needs, then company isn't a necessity, but a luxury. The right people fall into place without forcing or ignoring red flags. Basically, work on you to be the best version possible, and relationship stuff works out.
cptcr
for me it's my penis.
JerBearington
Considering you've had more than a couple relationships, wasn't there flirting involved leading up to that? If not, I don't know how that works
prosper020
There probably ways, but I’m so inept that I probably didn’t realize it was happening, from me or the other party lol.
lightfantasticem172
Ok I'm gonna give some advice. First up, Tinder; you need more photos than like 4 so people get to see you in different places and normally that gets more interest. Don't take loads of photos of yourself at once, especially that whole *close up selfie*, choose some from other social media or saved ones, write a decent bio instead of just filling out the profile questions and selections, and be as honest - but not desperate - as possible. And lastly take your shot! You never know! ^^
Second
Chronomechanist
1) As a guy on tinder, I believe I've done all of that and I think it's honestly pointless to even try (unless you're willing to spend £££ on the gold membership or whatever it's called, which I'm really not, and even if I was, I'm doubtful of it's efficacy). From my discussions with female friends who use dating apps, most women are guaranteed at least a dozen matches a day, while in my experience I may get 1 in 1000. Not even an exaggeration.
Chronomechanist
2) Then, let's assume that 1 match is in fact a real person and not a bot (doubtful but I'm trying to be optimistic), she probably has got dozens of men all clamouring for her attention, and so what is my 1 extra voice? Sure, I can try to be polite and charming and engage her in conversation, but that's only if she'll respond to my first message (9/10 don't). Then I have to hold her attention long enough that we can get to know one another and arrange to meet? Not happened once.
Chronomechanist
3) Perhaps it's because I'm no longer young, bald, and not as fit as I once was. Perhaps it's my nerdy, introverted personality that isn't what women are after. Regardless, I've basically all but given up on meeting anyone on Tinder or similar apps. Fortunately, I have my cat to keep me company and I enjoy solitude.
BoobJiggle
I don't remember writing this lol
dustygamedev
idk if OP is male or female, but I've heard nothing but horror stories for guys on Tinder. All bots and scams.
minipancho94
been on tinder for over 6 years now i think, had like 3 meet ups from it tops i think. 2 were dodged bullets, and one led to a good FWB for a bit who sadly didnt want to remain friends after they reunited with their HS sweetheart. in regards to actual dating Okcupid was alright for a while but seems worse now (might be area) and i've had the best luck with Hinge as of late with multiple actual dates and met my current partner who I hope is my last through it. friend also met his wife through it.
prosper020
Hinge is the one I’ve had the most success with. I haven’t met anyone yet, but I had a couple of people give me more than one word answers. One person even gave me their phone number before starting to give one word answers. Good times lol.
LegionExMachina
Had a female coworker who bragged about how many guys she duped for free dinners on Tinder. She wasn't great looking either, which speaks to the desperation there.
prosper020
MattJeffery
>just get more photos bro, just get an interesting bio bro
Sanztrack
Yea, looks about right lol
WellAckchually
I don't even know what you're trying to say with this. Yeah, people skim through shit. She doesn't review every profile, I don't click on every post here, hiring managers don't read every resume. But when you *do* catch someone's attention, there's gotta be something there to interest them or they're going to go back to skimming.
lightfantasticem172
lightfantasticem172
Just because she doesn't like the bs posts that have no personality or any description, you're taking it as a bad thing? There are bots faking mens posts too, not only that we have so much more profiles to go through just to find a decent one.
prosper020
There are things on dating apps that cause me to swipe real fast, like political alignment being conservative or moderate. Because moderate in the US is conservative everywhere else, and I lean more on the UBI side of things so… I’m not gunna do well with someone who is on the fence about women’s reproductive rights. Maybe it’s too closed minded of me. Maybe it’s because of the type of people who have hurt me in the past. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
LordLobster
That's not closed minded at all. The republican party is a terrorist organization, it's only rational not to entertain them and their followers. Not sure what gender, but i'm male and avoid other conservative red flags on dating apps like these: apolitical, country gal, tradwife, when they mention political correctness/woke/chivalry/sarcasm, anti-vax, anti-science, show patriotism/american flag. All those can point to ignorant/conservative profiles. As a socialist i can feel your pain lol.
lightfantasticem172
No that's not close minded, that's just being not an arsehole...! and hun you gotta follow your gut if you think that person is gonna be someone you can vibe with go for it, see what happens ^^
lightfantasticem172
Talking to random people online will always seem like that if you go for the same old Tina, Dixy or Harriet (or whoever you want) if you choose people who've actively said "yes" on dating apps, then they're also trying to figure out if you're worth their time, as I'm sure you want to too because no one likes talking/hanging around/f*king an incompatible person, so talk about yours and their interests, conversation prompts that might be on their bio, and hobbies that might get the conversation
lightfantasticem172
Going. And lastly confidence is very sexy but like you've mentioned, you've got past trauma so please do take it easy. The more you get practice the more you'll find it getting easier..! And rejection is not a bad thing, but as and when it happens, do not beat yourself up. Most of the time, you'll have dodged a bullet ;)
I really hope this kind of helps...? And if you're in the UK, give me a dm ^^
prosper020
If only I posted this in 2014, the last time I was in the UK lol.
Thank you for the kind advice. I’ve never looked for hook ups, which didn’t help things. I’ve been seeing / hearing more about how sex isn’t a taboo subject and is something that humans might need(?) Idk, the people I am around daily are super negative, I really want to have a human, physically in my life that isnt a constant energy drain. Friends online are awesome, but they aren’t always online, and a hug wouldn’t hurt lol.
Slickdoodle
You seem to have a cat. Perhaps doing a single night a week at a shelter or "cat adoption" event. I won't bore you with the details, but found myself at a dog adoption thing for a few months. I met all kinds of women that were my type. If I'd been trying, I'd have dated about 4 of them.
lightfantasticem172
Sex is 100% something that we need. And I know what you mean, a lot of people seem to shy away or just think it should be a shameful thing. It isn't and ignore them.
And lol back then I was not the same xD I've gotten a lot more open to what I actually want in life and it's taken a lot of time. I hope it won't for you, it's so freeing when you get to come into your own and find out who you really are.
A huge hug from me op. X