Your First Metal Concert: A Scientific Guide, Part 1

Voodrew here (not pictured, I'm not that handsome) and I'm a life long metalhead.

So… you have purchased tickets to your first HEAVY METAL concert. What should you expect?
Didn’t you hear something about a kid that got killed in a moshpit or something? Or that singer who bit the head off of a bass player? What’s going to happen?
Well, relax, here's your guide to your first metal show.

TL;DR METAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!

First, go get some beer.

Was this picture taken in 2017 or 1986? WHO KNOWS!? Its a metal show!

Now… you’re there, you have just spent $21.00 on 2 Coors lights, and you’re waiting for the show to start. What’s next?

The house lights are up, people are shuffling in, and you have a 90% chance that the venue is playing AC/DC songs over the PA.

This is your last chance to hit the bathroom, but you will probably decide you don’t want to miss the intro. You will regret this later when someone elbows you in the kidney.

Off to the left, you will see the merchandise booth. There you can choose:

1. The shirt with the awesome front design and nothing on the back, or
2. The shirt with the crappy design on the front and the tour dates on the back.

Hmm, do you go with what you like, or go with the one that proves you went to the show? Meh, we’ll come back later.

Around this time, a drum or guitar tech will come out on stage. He’ll strap on the main guy’s instrument and play a little nondescript riff to make sure the sound level is still good. For some strange reason, the crowd will cheer these 8 notes uproariously, just so everyone else knows they are fans of guitars.

Note: At this point in the evening, there is fairly even distribution of all types of people throughout the floor.

If you look around, you will see a pretty wide variety of people, but you will start to realize that most metal shows are populated with 5 basic groups of people. (Of course there are many more, but it wouldn't be as funny without sweeping generalizations.)

5 Types of People You Will Meet at a Metal Show:

Young Energetic Metalhead:

Full of piss and vinegar, the young energetic metalhead is all about the moshing, the aggro and the energy of a metal concert. Nobody understands him (or his choice of music and fashion) and these shows are his opportunity to get some of that frustration out of his system. There is nothing more important to him than (his extremely specific version of) METAL …and all other music should be destroyed. YEMs can usually be found wearing a brand new concert shirt featuring a band that old school metal fans do not recognize or care about.

Sightly Older, Less Energetic Metalhead:

Late 20’s, early 30’s Metalhead who still loves metal shows more than anything, but just doesn’t have the energy he/she used to. Maybe they will jump into the moshpit for the heavy parts of their favorite songs, but they quickly realize they are out of shape. This sad realization leads them back to the outskirts of the pit, where they bang their head comfortably and serve as a barrier to the pit.

Old School Metal Fan, Only Really There for the Music:

These people saw the band 14 times back in 1986 “when they were actually good.” He may not be a huge fan of their newer albums, but he’ll check them out when they come around. Been there, done that, and he has the scars to prove it. Usually wearing an extremely faded concert shirt from the 80s. “You kids go ahead and slam into each other all you want, I’ll be back here with my beer.”

Drunk Frat Boy That is Only There because he Loved that One Song On The Radio:

See that guy over there with the backward white baseball cap, plaid shorts, and sandals? Well, you see, there was that awesome metal song on the radio a few years back that always made him want to drive faster.
Also, when he was on the football team in high school he had a few metal songs on his iPod in-between Eminem and JayZ tracks. They made him feel good when he wanted to get “pumped.” He may be inclined to mosh, but will probably leave with a broken cell phone and missing a sandal.

Sensitive Boyfriends and Girlfriends of Metalheads that Got Dragged to the Show:

Remember when your favorite metal band broke the genre barrier by releasing that radio friendly ballad? Well, your significant other remembers …and they wanted to do something nice for you for Valentine’s Day. They think they remember you liking that band or something. They bought two tickets for you and they will go with you …if you cant find anyone else to go with.

Note: Of course there are many more types of people than this at a typical show. You also have ‘the guy who has been getting drunk in the parking lot for 3 hours before the show starts,’ ‘the slightly overweight and extremely overdressed Goth who is kind of embarrassed to be seen at the show,’ ‘the dude that paid all this money to see the show but would rather watch it through his tiny digital camera window,’ etc. etc. But for the time being, let’s go with these top 5.

SO! Back to the show…

As if a giant picked up the back of the venue and tipped it toward the stage, everyone on the floor squishes into the space of roughly 3 people per square inch. This will probably start to correct itself a little bit during the duration of the first song when people get sick of being smothered.

Note that at this time, 3 out of 5 ‘Sensitive Boyfriends and Girlfriends that Got Dragged to the Show’ are now being trampled and/or uncomfortable squished between sweaty people. This will lead to arguments and the subsequent exit of said group.

Unfortunately, because this is 2017, (and if you are one of the lucky ones to not be squished to death at this point) you will probably view the first song like this.

After the first song is done, most people will be done taking their crappy cell phone pics (and videos they will never watch again) and will buckle in for what the true meaning of a metal show is. Some good ol’ fashion moshing.

“MOSH – mäSH/ verb: moshing 1. dance to rock music in a violent manner involving jumping up and down and deliberately colliding with other dancers.”

Usually around the second or third song, you will see the crowd part into a circle to engage on the beautiful pastime of moshing.

If you don’t want to get hit in any way, move yourself to a place where you are at least 3 people removed from the center of the most pit. Big hits can knock people pretty far back.

If you don’t mind getting hit, put your forearms up and jump in!

The Unwritten Rules of Mosh Pitting

1. If someone falls, pick them up and continue moshing, they would do the same for you

2. If someone gets hurt, help them to the edge of the pit

3. You are moshing, you are not in the last scene of Enter The Dragon. If you accidentally smash someone in the face or hurt someone severely, check on them, give them a pat on the back or something. It is a violent celebration, but it is a celebration, not an excuse to cripple people.

4. If you see a shoe or someone’s glasses, (or something someone needs) grab it and lift it up in the air, someone is looking for it

There are many different types of moshing, usually directly influenced by the sub-genre of the show, but regardless, everyone is there to have fun… don’t be a dick.

You will also see crowd surfers popping up here and there. If they come near you, do what you can to keep them up and WATCH OUT FOR THEIR BOOTS! Crowd surfing patterns are unpredictable and boots meet people’s heads quite often.

Note: If you are over 5 Foot 10 or weigh over 200 pounds, do everyone a favor and don’t try to crowd surf. You’re going to kill someone.

At this point in the show, everyone has settled into place. The moshers are moshing, the crowd surfers and surfing, the band is warmed up and everyone is having a great time.

Until…

Something hard and wet screams toward the center of the mosh pit.

Enter the Gigantic Douchebag Musclebound Shirtless Guy That Comes Out of Nowhere Halfway Through the Show (GDBMSGTCOONHTTS.)

GDBMSGTCOONHTTS somehow found enough time out of his busy schedule of Crossfit Training and low carb intake to come to a heavy metal show. Much to his delight (since he hasn’t had the opportunity to hit people half his size since high school) people are actually pushing each other around ON PURPOSE! And he’s gotta join in, bro!

Throwing all unspoken rules and kindnesses of the typical moshpit, GDBMSGTCOONHTTS wants to put his arms straight down toward his groin area and flex his chest muscles while he spins around the outside of the pit. He then bee lines toward the smallest person he can find and then pushes them to the ground.

This continues until everyone in the pit get sick of his crap and the pit comes to a halt. (See Above Graphic) GDBMSGTCOONHTTS continues like a dreidel on steroids until he realizes nobody wants to play anymore. He then puts his shirt back on and leaves in his Acura, bro.

STAY TUNED FOR ‘Your First Metal Concert: A Scientific Guide, Part 2!’

In which we will discuss such topics as The Wall of Death, Moshing Techniques, how the lead singer will constantly yell at you for being tired (even though you have been moshing for an hour and a half) and clever ways to get closer to the stage! (See Below)

If you dig this one, I'll do up a part 2. I know there are many metalhead Imgurians, what did I miss?