My adopted son said he won't touch me because I am not a blood relative

ArcaneM37

3962

My son (16) is mildly autistic, so when he started having issues with being touched about five years ago, it seemed to make sense, but it quickly became apparent that this was only an issue for me. His twin sister climbs all over him physically, and he has no problem hugging his dad (my husband and his bio dad), but with me, he won't even hand me an item for fear of accidentally touching me; he will set it down near me or awkwardly throw it. If I happen to be walking toward him, he will dive out of the way in a panic.

My husband thought I should just touch his hand and hug him sometimes without asking (he says no when I ask) so that he sees it is safe, but I think if I touch him without consent, then I am not being safe toward him, so I haven't touched my son in years.

After five years of asking in every way possible what the issue was and constantly feeling hated by my own son, his sister finally got him to open up to her and then me about it and he revealed that it is different for me because I am not a blood relative. He couldn't explain why that matters to him, but apparently it does and at school he is no-touchy with everyone.

We talked at length about it and I asked if he would hug his bio mom if she walked in the door today - he said yes. So the boy I raised would run over and hug a complete stranger who abandoned him at 2 years old, but he won’t even hand me a pen for fear of an accidental touch. When questioned, he said he doesn't want a relationship with her, so that doesn't seem to be the issue.

The fact that he still refers to me as “step mom” at school should have been a clue, but I did not connect the two issues. He said he does it for clarity, but I am the only mom in his life. “step mom” is not my role in his life. I am his mom.

I think the worst part is that I asked him if it was something he wanted to change, and he said “no”. I know I can't make him feel any sort of way, so I'm not going to try. He is not trying to be mean, and I am grateful that he finally told me what the issue was, but I just might die of heartbreak.

In the past few weeks, my husband has called a half dozen places trying to get us family counseling, but everywhere that takes medicaid is full, so I guess I am just left to somehow live with every adoptive parent's worst nightmare.

doyouthinktheysawus

Man that sounds tough!!

2 years ago |

VirtualHugger

Gryah

It really doesn't have to be personal, I think I started avoiding touching people when I was about twelve, no bio-exception. I later got used to some things, like hug-greetings, from some people, but not from my parents. Does he even like hugging his sister and father or does he think it's something he has to tolerate for direct blood relatives?

terajack2048

You can try we are all relatives of Adam and Eve so yeah you do share blood?

EdmundandHarald365

This is a hard situation, but it's not about you per se. This is about his autism, not you.

Concern about bloodlines is not something I have ever heard of in the context of autism. Other commenters are saying the same thing, so I'm not saying you are wrong, but I dont get it.

Hexrowe

Different people have different hangups, and some hangups are more common than others.

LitchLitch

Is he ok if you wear gloves? Cause a boxing class would both allow you to touch him and work through your anger.

I wont touch my son's hands without his concent, so what makes you think I want to punch him?

Because you are obviously frustrated with the situation and this might be an alternate method of initiating connection.

Lugh314159

"Step" is an adjective in this case. "Step mom" is not a role, it's a description.

Gotta be honest, not sure what you're getting at here.

You're saying "step mom" like it's pejorative. Like it's somehow necessarily 'lesser'. Like it's a different role, somehow. The kid might not view it that way.

It is absolutely a different role. A step mom is married to the "real dad" and you see her when you are with your dad, and then you go to mom's house half the time and maybe there is a step dad there. Your step mom might be really cool, but she is not your mom, and all must be cautious to maintain that distinction.

This is not my family. Mom dad and two kids all in the same house. That's it. We are a nuclear family. There is no step dynamic here.

IgnisInvictus

As an adoptee with autism, the best advice I can give you is: Don't take it personally, it's not. Just keep on parenting the best you can. Get yourself into individual counseling if you can (you're gonna need to talk about this to someone other than random folks on the net.)

Yeah, coincidentally I already have individual counseling set up to begin next week. It was to talk about issues with my husband, but now I need to talk about both of the men in my life.

WanderinBard

Hi, not an adopted, but an adult diagnosed autistic and former special ed teacher who worked primarily with Autistic and Gifted students. You sound like a loving mom, exactly what he continues to need! Those words and actions sound heartbreaking, and I'm glad you're starting with a therapist to talk through them. And I am glad you recognize he isn't trying to be mean!

In my experience, actions and thoughts like those aren't based on explainable logic as much as a gut instinct (almost compulsion

2) that we experience. Those "reactions" can be extremely overwhelming stimulus. I'm not making excuses, just trying to provide clarifying context (which you are likely already aware is a very stereotypical autistic thing to do).

Anyway... I guess this early morning rambling was just a note to say "I was lucky enough to have a loving mom, and it sounds like you are doing a great job too".
From a 37 year old autistic man, keep fighting the good fight.
-Blessings

Thank you.

TheMurderousCricket

I'm sorry for not understanding and I don't care if you downvote me to hell but I don't understand why is he adopted if, like you say, he has a father? Or is your current partner his father?

Yeah sorry that was confusing. I went back in to just add that my husband is his bio dad. His bio mom left her kids when they were 2, so he was a single dad until I came in.

Step child adoption is a thing, and it makes you the full, legal parent of the child.

Oh, that makes more sense. Autism often makes us hyper-literal. That's the reason he calls you his step-mom. Because he wasn't adopted as an infant, it might not even occur to him not to call his biological mom, his biological mom.

Yeah but every time he says it to me (usually in the context of replaying a conversation he had at school) I point out that I am his mom, not his step mom and it hurts me when he says that. Yet he still does it. The hyper literal wording would just be mom.

Hyper literal is actually adoptive mom. Step mom is probably the closest he has. The neurodivergent brain does not work like the neurotypical brain. It hurts you. Don't take it personally.

No, you _literally_ are his step mom. That's not an insult or snub, it's just the literally accurate description of your familial relationship, and what role you play in his life or whether he likes you has nothing to do with it. Likewise, if he's averse to being touched but can override it with blood relatives, then that's all there's to it - you're _not_ a blood relative, and no amount of affection can change that. Therapy may or may not alleviate his aversion to being touched, though.

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