Computer Virus Warning

Hey everyone,

I want to give a warning because I just found out this morning about a dangerous, insidious computer virus. If you should get an email with the subject “stinky cheese”, better not take the chance, and under no circumstance should you open it, or else it will perform the following:

• Translate your documents into Swahili

• Make your TV record "Gigli"

• Neuter your pets

• Give you laundry static cling

• Make your computer screen freeze

• Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs

• Erase your hard drive and your backups, too, as well as the hard drive of anyone related to you

• Make all the paint peel off your walls

• Make your keyboard all sticky

• Give your poodle a hickey

• Invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney

• Tie up your phone, making crank long-distance calls

• Set your clocks back an hour

• Clog your shower

• Give you a permanent wedgie

• Legally change your name to Reggie

• Mess up the pH balance in your pool

• Melt your face right off your skull

• Make your phone only play Jethro Tull

• Tell knock-knock jokes while you’re trying to sleep

• Make you physically attracted to sheep

• Steal your identity and your credit cards

• Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards

• Cause a major rift in time and space

• Leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place

 

If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born. So, before it performs more heinous actions, perform the following to remove this virus:

1. Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down

2. Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground

3. Bury it completely. Rocks and boulders should be fine

4. Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online