Bollramm
1269
51
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...and until 3 three days ago I just kept on functioning. But now it's hitting me really badly. I loved my brother. We had a great relationship. I'm sick and my parents are old and fragile and while I was taking care of everything (you can't imagine) I just kept on functioning. But now....well now it starts, with the thoughts about what will one day happen to me, how I can take care of my parents all alone, who will be there for me when I need help because of my sickness and all that.
And of course by now I feel really shitty about myself because I'm selfish and only think about myself. I know this is normal and that I cannot hold this against me but I do.
My so called friends are not to be found. For some their own pleasure is more important than my struggle. I accept that if only they wouldn't smear it in my face by sending me picture of them celebrating.
I've more than once felt crappy in my life, haunted by loneliness, sickness, depression and all that. But this time it feels different because it is so final!
Nothing will ever change the fact that my big brother is no more. And that it is now up to me to take care of the rest of the family.
It hurts like shit. I've known pain, physical pain, all my life and I'm still on opiates for it. I have also known emotional pain, had my fair share of it.
But this, this is something else and I don't know how to cope.
I've never learned to deal with this. I lost family members before, grandmothers and grandfathers dying of old age, at the end of their fulfilled lives.
By brother wanted to stop working in 3 years and go see the world again and live again. He was only 54 years old, healthy and dropped like a stone while walking to his motorcycle on a trip to the nearby hills to take some drone footage before going to a carnival party that very evening. Dead before he hit the ground, which is the only thing that gives me some relieve. At least he didn't have to suffer. He was gone before he knew it.
Still, it's a hard pill to swallow.
Sorry for the sob thread but I really don't have anybody to talk and I needed to let this all out, may it be to strangers. In my experience strangers are the most compassionate people you can ever meet.
Thanks for reading.
LP19
I'm sorry for your loss. While it is ok to run on autopilot the first days allow yourself to grief.
ElPietroLoco
noReallyIamPrincessBob
I’m so sorry OP that you lost your brother. I find sudden deaths so much more difficult than accepting the passing of someone who has been ill or elderly and infirm. I think it has just taken this long for your brain to start to process the information. You may need to stop and take a break from everything for a bit, until you can get your head around it. Otherwise you might find you have a complete breakdown out of nowhere. (((Hugs))) Hang in there.
hereforcomete
sixtyfortysoo
Deepest condolences op. Suddenly death grief is traumatising. You're not being selfish have worries. You're on emotional roller coaster right now. I've been were you are. If you need to vent I'm a good listener.
jimhotep
The way each of us encounters grief is incredibly unique. Take your time; there is no prescribed path for you to take. I was on autopilot for a year after my mom's death; it's ok to go through the motions; just concentrate on yourself. Nothing else needs doing.
Bollramm
That's just the thing. I can't. My parents are still there and need help or at least regular check ins. I can't just focus on myself, if I do that I won't be able to be there when they need me. My brother took care of the times when I couldn't because of my sickness but since he's gone now it all hangs on me. I know that sooner or later my sickness will again kick in and I will fail them. And since now there is only me that is a real problem!
lurkyloos
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in 2004. She was my best friend.
You’re going to get a lot of advice. The things that helped me is remembering that healing isn’t linear.
Be kind patient to yourself.
Bollramm
Thanks mate. Sorry about your sister ♥
lurkyloos