BenjyX55
25754
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I used to be a good boy. I didn't touch a drop of alcohol before mom and dad bought me a beer on my 21st birthday. Then I stayed sober for a couple of years after that. But eventually (perhaps inevitably as I lived in Wisconsin) I acquired the taste for beer.
It's to the point that I can't go a day without a drink (and 'a drink' becomes many drinks'). I try to be strategic about it, but ultimately I can't keep myself away from that first beer. And once I have that first beer, I don't see anything wrong with the second/third/xteenth beer.
I live close to my parents but I don't know how to discuss this will them. Mom has dealt with alcoholism her entire life, but only second-hand. Her father and brother dealt with it, and then her youngest son (my brother) experienced similar as a teen. I don't doubt her awareness of the destructive power of addiction, but based on my conversations with her on the subject, I am also not convinced that she would be able to empathize with me rather than remembering her own traumas.
As for my father, any discussion of why I drink would inevitably result in us talking about politics, which I have done my best to avoid for well over a decade. I respect my father and consider him a reliable source when it comes to generally being a grown man, but he consumes many hours of Fox News daily.
In order to discuss my drinking with them, I want to tell them to watch the first season of Jessica Jones (formerly a Netflix original, now on Disney+ because Disney owns everything Marvel). I doubt my mom would be able to tolerate all of the violence and sexual content in the show. As for the relationship between the titular white woman and a black man (Mike Colter as Luke Cage), I want to believe that my dad wouldn't have an issue with it, but I can't be sure given his Fox News addiction.
Anyway, the reason I bring up that show is the way that Kilgrave (David Tennant)'s victims describe their experience under his mind control. In the moment, they believe that what he wants from them is what they also want, even though their true self is in the back of their mind saying otherwise. That's pretty much exactly how I feel (except replace one of the most prominent doctors Who with alcoholic beverages). However much I want to stop drinking, some force grips my brain and makes me think I actually do want to keep being an alcoholic.
I want to overcome this weakness that I feel every waking minute of every day, and even though I know there some who I know in real space that would like to help me, I'm not sure that's enough.
I have come to believe in my friendship with certain people on imgur as being just as important or more so than realspace relationships. The wise southwestern wizard with his sassy birb. The young redhead who feeds comic books and stage musicals to her beloved lizard. The many nerds and queers who seek to express themselves through meme. I am putting out a general distress call in the hopes that these wonderful people might assist me in my quest to exist.
monkeyfly
You'll deal with it like the rest of us: one day at a time. Sometimes it'll be easy to say no, most times it won't be.
It's not the nights out with friends that I found the hardest, it's the long, quiet afternoons where I think "I wish I could enjoy things again."
But there is support around and I hope you reach out to it if you need to. You've got to recognise a habit before you can change it and you've already taken that step.
I'm really proud of you.
CodyBurkett
So, the way I have avoided becoming an alcoholic like that which runs in my family was by accidentally making it a special interest, one I associate with good times spent w friends, which means since I am often depressed and alone these days, I rarely drink.
I may crave a drink, but I think about if I have this bottle of wine, I cant share it with x friend who will appreciate it.
I know, this absolutely doesn't help you at all, but I wish you strength and glory in your quest for sobriety.
trouble4you
Can be different for others but two folks I know got over by going to a nutritionist. They were told that body lacks proper nutrients and that’s the reason they crave alcohol. They were given dietary plans, exercise regimes, water intake levels etc etc. It took time but the craving slowly went away as the body became stronger. There is no harm in checking this approach.
pillsburydroboy
Like a lot say, aa helps, 1st thing in the morning. Its helps me but you have to want it. Im like 50 days in. Didn't change much this time but my mind set. Went from a handle every other day to nothing. Gotta forgive yourself and start fresh.
humanatore
If you try AA, don't get hung up on the seemingly religious parts. When they say "a higher power" replace that with whatever your theory for existence is -- even an atheist has to admit that reality/nature is miraculous. AA helped me a lot. It changed my perspective & changed my life. It works if you work it, so work it because you're worth it ♥️
VolcanoHerder
The fact that you're acknowledging it and want to get it under control says a lot. I can't recommend next steps, but if you can afford it, seeing a counselor or therapist with experience in addiction (even just a few times virtually) might be really helpful. They can potentially help you figure out how to talk to your parents as well. Good luck op, we're here for you!
Bumbleflarts
Do you have a GP you could tell about it?
jillofmanytrades
Therapy! As a child of an extended alcoholic family, whose own father is the only one who recovered out of many who didn't, please find a therapist. Figure out your triggers, figure out better coping methods, figure out better habits with a pro. Getting out of alcoholism requires looking inside as well as looking outside at your lifestyle. It requires change and many baby steps to get there. It is 1000% worth the work!
Epicentr
The chemical addiction can be extremely hard to break. Alcohol triggers opioid, serotonin, and dopamine responses.
I highly suggest therapy and NOT a medication like naltrexone, which will numb your brain chemical response and can lead to alcohol poisoning if your body is actively chasing those feelings.
YMMV, best of luck. 🖤
Epicentr
OH! Make sure to remember that the difference between guilt and shame is "I did a bad thing" because "I'm a bad person".
Pielover3000
I was in a similar situation in my early 20s... I started going to a daily AA meeting, and that gave me motivation and accountability to quit.
It's not a perfect organization or process but the daily meetings and accountability helped me.
uncleslam7
8 years sober here. What worked for me was finally deciding to take actionable steps to stop drinking and especially having support from people around me. AA has a built in network of people who understand what you’re going through and will support you. Go there and try it. If you don’t like the people at the meeting you first go to, then go to a different one. But go. it’s less about the teachings of AA and all about support.
Also, read This Naked Mind.
If I could, you can. You got this.
Swedehammer
I went to out patient treatment and got the tools I needed. It was everyday in the evening so I could still go to work. I have been sober for 5.5 years.
danat101
@op you are so loved and I wish I wasn’t chat banned- you’ve built such a lovely community in the space that you post and I’m glad to be your friend! I don’t really have any advice other than maybe therapy but know that me and many others are here for you and rooting for you!! We love you and stay strong!
iChase79
My father was an alcoholic his whole life. So was his brother. My father battled it his whole life. His brother, turned his life around at one point. The difference seems to have been acceptance. My father never really saw himself as a drunk. To him he was just someone who was 'one monday' away from quitting whenever he wanted. My uncle accepted what he was, how powerless he was, most importantly admitted it to himself & found others struggling. Admitting it is the first step. Community the 2nd.
tinyfootprints
I've made serious and lasting improvements in life through the use of psychedelics. I quit tobacco almost effortlessly after one experience with peyote cactus. And I have other stories of personal growth that involve magic mushrooms.
RevolutionOnHerLips
The only alcoholic I've dealt with who wasn't shitty to me was a woman who was 67 when she decided to stop, and at 69 she was still struggling. She was in my intensive DBT group, as well as her AA meetings, and in regular touch with her sponsor. I mention this just because she credited DBT with helping her stop as one of several reasons (along with AA, church, her grandkids), and I know there are DBT programs across the country tailored to substance abuse. Might be worth looking into. Good luck.
Furrybutnotfurry
AA, the answer is AA. Start with AA, they will be able to share resources, tips, give you support, advice. Your family loves you, but they may not be the best people to talk to about addiction, again, people who have gone through this may help you with how to approach this with family. I would recommend seeing a doctor too, but your insurance may vary.
Newdonster
I have been sober for over 30 years. It got easier when I joined a program 6 months into so-dryety. A lot of people dissed it, but it works. I recommend it. I have been happier.
subparsubpoena
Here's an easy strategy that might help a little: If you grab a beer, at the same time grab a water (or a carbonated water). You can only drink the beer if your next drink is the water. Every beer gets the water attached to it. Same amounts in volume, same drinking speed, no cheating.
This keeps you a lot less inebriated, and may well increase your chances at staying strong against that 'next beer'. At the very least your body will thank you for the hydration.
TomahawkJackson
Partner is a Clinical Psychologist and it's been rubbing off on my through osmosis for over a decade right now. So...I'm definitely not qualified, but I sleep next to someone who is, I guess?
Many times she's talked about the path for 'behavior' use/abuse (doesn't matter if it's a substance, or an action like gaming or compulsion behavior) being a matter of baby steps.
You want to Do The Thing right now. Can you wait 10m first? Can you wait an hour? Can you skip this last beer before bed?
jetchan
Thanks for sharing this. Someone else disagreed with a part, but I found it helpful. The thing is... different people are different! Different triggers, different struggles, different brains. My path forward through alcoholism has been bumpy but I find various points of view one of the most helpful things.
TomahawkJackson
...each one of those things is a step, and every one of them is hard to do, but! You'll find that you have success. Not always, but yes...you WERE able to wait 10 whole sucky minutes.
Then 30 minutes (eventually), and with that successful *exposure* to the behavior you DO want, you find you behave less often in ways you DON'T want - and have built more resiliency for imperfection - because you've SEEN yourself succeed many times. Exposure to new behavior builds new habits. Not easy. But possible
Dannoboyo
If you are an alcoholic, you can't skip the last drink unless you skip the first. Because if you keep having a few, eventually you will go off again.
growf
Naltrexone, friend. Go to your doctor and tell them you want to stop drinking and would like some help. Taking Naltrexone will remove the “good parts” of drinking, but leave the bad. It can be effective in helping people ween off alcohol or at least moderate it. Then with it, explore why you drink and how to deal with that. Perhaps seek council. You will be surprised how much your body will reward you after you stop. It doesn’t take long. Best wishes, I know you can do it. :-)
azazyel
Is your mom in AA? If so then she'll understand completely. If you want to talk to someone download the folding chair app from AA and look for a meeting. Just go and sit in the back, you don't have to share just listen to their stories. Also, there are a lot of different kinds of AA meetings so if the first one doesn't suit you try another. IOP is a good option, I did rehab. Be careful about going cold turkey, DTs are no joke
marvelouslymessyme
This isn’t a failing on your part; it is a disease. You are not alone and you have nothing to be ashamed of. So many people from all different places and stages of life are dealing with this. Ask for help from Family/friends. Be honest. Most likely they are already concerned and have been wondering how to bring it up to you. Consider a program like Alcoholics Anonymous. Being surrounded by people that are dealing with this same disease will help you find the support/friendship you need. ❤️
Bombaso
I did an iop and really helped jump start after trying for years
TheobromineAddict
"iop" ?
Bombaso
Yup
azazyel
'Intensive outpatient program' they help you medically through withdrawals and monitor you. It's like the first week of rehab but at home
azazyel
I did full on rehab and used FLMA. The rehab helped get that all filed and stuff and in Washington they pay you a % of your paycheck.
GellyBear46
Alcohol is instant gratification. You get more joy/relief from alcohol than you do from other things in your life. Until you realize that something else matters more, you'll never be free. Some people can have it all, and alcohol too, but not YOU. You're built different. Alcohol *will* ruin your life. You may try to prove to yourself that you have the craving under control at some point by just having one beer, but by then, you're already being sucked back in...
GellyBear46
Over time, the alcohol will push away everything you love and need - friends, family, love, career, stability, health, safety, home, self-worth, travel, freedom, and your mind itself. Eventually your brain will become a shriveled raisin (seriously, look up images of alcoholic brains vs normal ones.) The you that is, with all its potential, will shrivel away, too. Every sober moment will become worse and worse. You'll hate yourself. You'll feel like a failure...
GellyBear46
All your hopes will dwindle and die... So when you get the urge, ask yourself, "is this moment of unfulfillment worth the consequences that are piling up?" "Why do I have this craving?" "Which of my needs is not being met?" You may not be able to solve these problems right away, so you'll need to develop some coping mechanisms - a toolkit for yourself. I suggest a donut, a walk in the park, vibing to some music, or other pleasures. People may say not to replace one vice with another, but...
GellyBear46
I think weed is better than booze - less destructive. If you can focus, weed might even help you think creatively about the root cause of your cravings. You could develop a phrase like, "being drunk is only a mirage of happiness," or "alcohol is a siren that lures me to my watery grave." The synaptic structures of our brains are like ski slopes, the more you go down one path, the deeper the groove in the snow, and the easier it is to go down the same path. Strengthen your other pathways...
GellyBear46
Rewiring your brain takes time. You will fail some days, but don't let it stop you. Get a calendar and some gold star stickers. Reward yourself for every day you earn. On the days you miss, remind yourself of how well you've done and how well you're going to keep doing. Hope this helps. Good luck.
PuppyBella
Hey there. You've already accomplished the first step by recognizing the problem. I recommend a f2f AA meeting. They can be super religious (depending on the regulars in that meeting) or not so much; personally I think of the "higher power" is that of fellowship. You can also say "Hi, I'm X and I'm here to listen." There are also many subreddits: /r/alcoholism, /r/stop drinking, /r/cutdowndrinking. Read a few and see what you think. Especially /r/cutdowndrinking is nonjudgemental and supportive.
Sechran
"perhaps inevitably as I lived in Wisconsin"
Hey! We're not 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 bad about -- ... never mind.
JacktheKind
Does anyone have an explanation why "the old south" and similar states are so low? (Utah I understand: mormons)
>>
JacktheKind
Alright, I gave it a second thought.
I was surprised that a lot of what I would consider old south, with stereotypes of hicks and hillbillies drinking a lot is very low.
My second thought is; maybe a form of survivorship bias. Depending how they get the info (arrests, hospital records), what might be considered excessive elsewhere might be considered normal there, hence it's not reported as excessive.
If it's economic data (alcohol bought per person) it would be weird; but then again: moonshine.
ChickenBaconAndCheese
I think a good portion of that is were “proud” or at least more comfortable admitting the amount we drink as a badge of honor. No, it’s not healthy, and it’s hard as fuck to try getting sober here. Maybe if we legalize weed, but it still circles so many activities and it tastes so good in the summer. I made it three months pre-lockdown. I’ve found cutting out hard liquor and trying to stick to two days a week or less reduces the cravings. I don’t have an answer, but if you need to talk @op
Mxlespxles
Tbh there are probably more than a few alcoholics in that lake, too
BenjyX55
My parents tell me that I used to steal the cheese out of other kids' lunches in preschool, so perhaps it was inevitable.
AndersCalrissian
Don't make excuses. Get some professional help with your addiction. Everybody can quit cold turkey, but if you're young you should give it a shot.
Sechran
Hey, no one ever launched a prohibition campaign against cheese!
That said, as much as I like to joke, every single time I look into the whole Wisconsinite drinking meme, it's ... 𝙣𝙤𝙩 a meme. It's a serious problem. And I personally have known people who have literally drank themselves into the grave.
I hope you can find the help and support you need. I wish I could offer more than a Google search of suggestions.
zelda633000
I have relatives from Wisconsin. A cousin said something about how he'd skipped school when he was 14 and started spending his days in bars. Granted, that was in the '70s, but still, bars served a 14 year old, regularly? Yikes.
BenjyX55
So, fun fact... you walk into any bar in the USA and you can bet they have one beer (Miller) from the state of Wisconsin. But you can also bet that they have two different beers not just from the state I grew up in, but specifically from the tiny mountain town where I got my degree.
thegreatninjaman
fuckin Utah though. look at that shiny beacon of white on that map. I hear they have some pretty strict drinking laws there. Like all the liquor stores are state owned and not open on sunday.
SixSixxtySix
They’re too busy raping kids. No time for that. https://apnews.com/article/sex-abuse-catholic-church-mormon-5d78129a2fe666159a22ce71323f6da3
circlebreaker
And let us not forget the Baptists, still haven't heard news about how that entire scandal has been blowing up (ಠ_ಠ)
styxthetrashbandit
A dui map would be more honest. Utah doesn't report and doesn't ask doctors report on private data like that. And asking anyone in Utah a way larger denial culture. But people are arrested and buy just about as much alcohol here.
Mormons don't even make up half the population and not all of them are strict followers.
pancreas
why are there entire states whited out? i refuse to believe that's real info
JacktheKind
Utah is mormons.
Oklahoma is liars.
RevolutionOnHerLips
Remember when DJT wanted to stop reporting Covid deaths so it would look like they were no longer going up? Growing up in a "dry" county in the bible belt... a lot of places take that strategy, with anything from teen pregnancy to alcohol addiction.
blubberingbastard
Looking at you Oklahoma
JacktheKind
Alright, I gave it a second thought.
I was surprised that a lot of what I would consider old south, with stereotypes of hicks and hillbillies drinking a lot is very low.
My second thought is; maybe a form of survivorship bias. Depending how they get the info (arrests, hospital records), what might be considered excessive elsewhere might be considered normal there, hence it's not reported as excessive.
If it's economic data (alcohol bought per person) it would be weird; but then again: moonshine.
ILoveThiPlatform
It's the bible belt. I grew up in the South and drinking was frowned on. Obviously people do drink but it's really frowned on in certain places.
Also, a lot of people there prefer drugs to drinking. Growing up hearing drinking is bad but silence on drugs will do it.
JacktheKind
ahhh
EltaninDracoPwc
Mormons aren't "allowed" to drink, so that explains utah being white: either it really is statistically that low compared to everywhere else, or they have a vested interest in reporting it as such.
styxthetrashbandit
Most people don't report it. They can't just access private data. Utah doesn't poll or test or ask much about this issue. They penalize heavily and make it 🔂 nvenient to buy do nothing else otherwise.
A dui map would show Utah way balanced.
RedWingedBlackbirds
I'm definitely not an expert. I think alcoholism is a disease. So maybe less weakness and more needs help dealing with it?
[deleted]
[deleted]
Exyr
Hmm yeah telling them that its not a weakness and they should seek out help because it's an actual disease is truly comically bad...
Batty
You are correct, I misread the comment at two key points and assumed malicious engagement. Thank you for pointing it out! Deleting my original comment.
BenjyX55
One of my hobbies is wildlife photography. My exploits are documented on imgur. The red winged black bird may be uncreatively named, but it still deserves better than to be associated with your cringeworthy stigmatization of mental illness.
ilariSpaceRunner
I'm writing this with heat full of empathy. You are not ready to quit drinking. Stop victimizing your self. It's a defence to avoid taking responsibility of your crave for quick release of substance abuse.
CogYang
alcoholism is indeed a disease. physical withdrawal from it is capable of killing you. not addressing a particularly bad case will kill you. seeing a doctor is often the first step towards permanently overcoming the disease, though it won't ever be cured... just treated or managed. it's always gonna be there, you're always gonna have to fight it.
CongratsYouAreHereNow
I haven’t had a drink in five years and I also haven’t had to fight that fight for a long time. I have absolutely no desire to drink and was quite a bit worse than @op
AndersCalrissian
I noticed I was starting to drink everyday and I stopped and only have a few beers every week now.
A friend at work fell down that hole and bumped his head his home drunk alone and next thing we knew he was found dead in a chair.
Taper it down. It kills brain cells and shortens your life. My dad was a POS when he was drunk.
NotSoFastener
I think the tapering is the hard part. He says one drink then inevitably turns into more because DrunkBenjy has different desires than sober @Op, and it doesn't take a lot for DrunkBenjy to get in the driver's seat.
forelle
I think you may have misread the comment you so harshly responded to. To paraphrase, they are saying: "Don't see yourself as weak for falling for alcohol, instead see it as something that requires you to get help." That isn't stigmatization, it is good advice that allows an alcoholic to get over their shame (of being seen as weak) and start to get help (that they need).
RedWingedBlackbirds
Thank you. Thank you so much
BenjyX55
I did misread.
BabeAfett
Exactly this!
Batty
Instead of viewing it as 'I want to stop drinking', try looking at it as 'What actual reason does my body have to crave it?'
By disassociating the issue from 'You' as an entity, you avoid the guilt-trap that can feed into compulsions to drink, and you can more logically assess the conditions.
Is it boredom? Depression? Feeling like being drunk is a 'better state' than being sober and if so, why?
Addiction commonly comes from trying to escape something, even if we don't know what that 'is.'
fishballshoe
You suck with your ŵords
Batty
You're adorable. Good luck with whatever issues you have going on ^_^
thaGh0stD0g36
Sage advice. You have to address the underlyinf causes which could be trauma or whatever is so unresolved you have to numb it.
thefinglongerer
Genuinely good advice
sadurdaynight
Went to a naturopath for a bit, and he said alcohol depletes some amino acid in the brain. So getting off booze was hard without supplementing aminos. Not sure validity of this as i don't drink. I'm an overeater, though, and the same control mechanisms exist. Don't hang out with people that tempt your habit. Don't habg out with people who say they can control their habit when clearly they can't. Don't hang out with folks that don't respect you trying to have self control.
gravehart
What Batty said. Also go to an AA meeting. Many People there with similar problems. Quit drinking for a year and then figure out the underlying problems. With the help of AA
wejustdontknow
I'm 9 years sober thanks in part to AA. I want to mention something as a very agnostic person: Many people are turned off by the religious overtones of AA. Just ignore it and think of what your higher purpose in life should be besides drowning in self pity.
Microfiche
I am 33 years sober because of AA, and also an atheist. I tried many times to "think my way into sobriety" and it almost killed me. I needed help to change my way of life and way of thinking so that it was no longer necessary for me to drink. Just stopping alcohol was never the answer for me, I needed to address the root cause.
RibbleTPibits
Took me some time to realize that my supposed boredom was really a fundamental discomfort with myself.
azazyel
That's great advice for staying sober but not so much for getting sober if they're chemically dependent. DTs almost drove me crazy.
azgrak1
DT’s damn near killed me, literally. Had a bottle of vodka in my hand and asked why? I couldn’t come up with a good answer and put the bottle down and had the worst 10 days of my life. Haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since.
azazyel
I'd had a shot every time they came on, so I was always almost in them. Had to go to rehab eventually, slept for a week.
azgrak1
Sleep was the worst. I would wake up completely unable to move and pouring sweat like I was sprinting in Death Valley at the height of summer. I would have screamed but my voice was also paralyzed. The hardest part, I knew drinking would stop the DT’s
BennyGaga
I tried everything. I was desperate for relief. AA is the only thing that worked for me. I know the internets love to shit on it. But when it's that or the grave , it was an easy choice. i did have to be hospitalized and go to a rehab first.
TheHolyFatman
I think AA helps because it brings together people who've had similar experiences and it makes people feel less alone in their journey of sobriety. It helped my sister at first, but she eventually went to a similar, more secular group that addressed the disease itself and put less blame on the person for "weakness"
LadyNaween
I dont like AA myself but it has kept hubby sober for over 40 years. If it works, it works. As long as it keeps him and others sober.
ChimRichaldsBud
It’s very difficult if you’re an atheist. They’ll SAY oh no you can have a doorknob for a god…yea okay….and then spend 10 minutes around them God god god god god god god…every share: god god god god. Then add the chanting, closed-mindedness (you have to do it this way or you’ll die), and certainty of some members…it’s a big turn off.
It is undeniable others in the same situation can help you but AA took that notion and started more of a religion full of dogma - glad it works for some though.
OmNachoMama
I wonder if it's just in your area? I went to AA, NA, and GA with my ex-husband, and while they certainly mentioned God, they didn't approach it from a religious perspective. Everyone had the space to work their own version of "the thing you surrender to." While these programs didn't work for him because he didn't really want to change, they have worked for many others. It's a great place to start the process.
ChimRichaldsBud
They go out of their way to say it’s not religious but it is very much. Look at the steps. Step 3 is considered THE step and it’s basically you have to believe in god…excuse me “higher power.” Individual groups vary drastically. There’s even atheist groups but it’s still all very grounded in a supernatural God that cures you if you’ll just believe it. Very frustrating