This is terrifying.

I started an anti-depressant last week.

I've been struggling with depression for years, but I've always been able to manage before.

This time feels different. I'm in a rough patch right now and my resilience is spent.

I reached out for help because I was afraid of what I might do - afraid of what that little voice was saying:

Your family will be better without you.
No one will notice you're gone.
None of this matters - you're suffering for nothing.
You can make it all go away, it would be so easy.
Just rest, let it go, the struggle isn't worth it.
You're used up. Garbage. Just get out of the way, no one cares.

I'm trying hard to frame the meds as something other than a defeat, something besides an admission that there's something broken in my brain and I'm just a pathetic loser who can't function in the real world.

I don't really have a message of hope or anything at the moment - my journey has just begun, but if you are out there struggling too, reach out - don't do anything stupid. I can't say for certain that it will get better, but if we can get past the shame we can find a way back from the edge.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Thanks for listening random stranger.

Dog tax.