Autittuderp
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Children learn emotional regulation through emotionally regulated caregivers. It's a necessary part of development.
Who are you letting control you?
This take repetition and conscious behaviour to build new neuropathways...but you can do it. I did, an autistic adhder. Our brains don't have to stay on the settings they were developed with.
Wash...rinse...repeat
Those who abused/neglected me the worst are dead...no sorry will ever come but I don't need it to move on.
Where guilt and shame are...we can not grow. It's neurological, it's how our brain works.
We are all living complex lives, centered on self, love that self and love for others blossoms.
We all make mistakes with our children...repairing them is what matters most of all
You are an incredible human. You have gifts that no one else does. Thank you for reading this today. You made a difference.
SodomySnake
#1 Children when they live in security: https://imgur.com/I9Oy7gT
ghostofGracchusBabeuf
#1 if children live with ADHD they did not read the entire thing. Probably got distracted half way through the first line because the letters make a sort of pattern with the various emphasis of words which looks kind of like a sweater.
boodow
#6 some of these are dependent on context of course
Autittuderp
If it's done for our wellness is the context. We can't control or predict others reaction.
NZSheeps
#1 If children live with cats they learn to PSPSPSPSPSPS
Autittuderp
Truth...my lil grand tiny used to hold his back and grunt when he bent over to pick something up. His dad has major back issues. Lol....the toddler grunting is funny not dad's back
KorrasamiOTP
I needed this today. Thanks
Autittuderp
Sending (((((((hugs))))))
meskarune
#4 I hate this kind of stuff. It's told to abuse victims when they get rightfully upset. That and being told to forgive abusers and stop discussing the abuse because you're creating drama.
Autittuderp
I'm sorry that's your perception. The context of this is to help us in everyday situations. Abuse is a developmental trauma that causes us to struggle to do those things in other situations. That's how trauma wires our brain.
Calicious
#1 I kept reading the end of the sentence to see if my symptoms fit the predictor for my parent's actions. Yup. Every one.
englishmaninnm
With regards to raising children, I would recommend finding out about Therapeutic Parenting. It's really good, helps the child to feel like they're worth something whilst helping them to understanding their feelings and emotions. Much better than hitting or shouting at a child, or being confrontational at a time when confrontation isn't needed.
Autittuderp
For sure, conscious parenting follows the neurological development and cognition at each stage of the child. Reparenting ourselves is important if we lived in a fear/punishment home...that in itself causes developmental trauma that most of us aren't even aware of.
englishmaninnm
I wish more people were aware as you are! I've had my eyes opened the past year or so as I built up to adoption and it's been so helpful.
Autittuderp
Good luck to you on your journey 💜 I have hope as the science of conditioning grows, ppl will see how important compassionate tools guide our tiny humans into confident and grateful adults.
englishmaninnm
Thank you. We're at the start of our long journey but we're heading in the right direction!
Autittuderp
Your steps ahead of many.
Elvenbane
#2 what's with the "she is in control" when the rest of the thing is gender neutral?
Autittuderp
Well, humans do make mistakes and that's a part of life after all.
tmpvisitor
@op Thanks for this post, i needed to hear some of this today. Currently in a hole. Have a good day!
Autittuderp
You are so welcome. Those holes can be tough to climb out of...grab my hand. (((Hugs)))
undercoverles
#1 and then there's cPTSD that just checks the "All of the above" box. Who knew Neglect, abandonment, violence, being basically a child sex slave, etc, could fuck someone up for their entire life? Oh wait... Apparently every country except the US. Don't have children if your religion pressures you into it and you're not ready, don't have children if your spouse tries to force you, don't have children if you can barely financially keep your own head above water, and so fucking on and so forth.
Autittuderp
Im Canadian and have cptsd due to childhood sexual assault by a family member. Emotionally ill prepared mother. Developmental trauma is a shit show but one that can have a sweet end.
undercoverles
Sad hugs from me. Was the same for me. Mom had her tubes tied after my older brother was born, but somehow i still slipped on by, and the whole family was like "It's gods' will" riiiight up until 30 minutes after I was born. Then cue the rest of my childhood being locked up, told I wasn't worth the oxygen I was breathing, that my brother is the only child, all the while he was SA'ing me and selling me to his friends for things like video games and consoles. Done a lot of work, lots more to go -
undercoverles
it's made even more difficult by it not even being in the DSM, so insurance wise they try to fit me within the pocket of depression and PTSD and kinda just... failing. Hope one day I'll be able to actually feel some semblance of what joy is. EMDR with psilocybin is next once it's legalized by the state.
Autittuderp
Nervous system and emotional regulation was where I started. Those 2 therapies and psilocybin are all what have benefited me. 2 years ago I was planning my death...today, I can honestly say I've never been happier. I am pulling for you. DM me anytime
DrBukkakeShots69
These are the kind of posts I wouldn’t mind seeing regularly
Autittuderp
I will try and do that 💜
Hemelsblauw
In any situation, children need fair boundaries set for them. No boundaries can be just as bad as too many. Love is good, but even with love, balance is needed. Anger and fear are human. The need to be accepted as part of life and children need to be taught how to deal with those in a healthy way. And how to deal with differences needs to be taught too. Loving yourself and loving others need balance.
Autittuderp
You are right...but boundary crossing can be corrected without punishment. Plus, when you love yourself it leaves an unending well for others. It's never all or nothing,
rubypilgrim
When someone says "Release anger" or whatever emotion, I think, that's great, but I could rarely recognize my emotions, and I'd have no idea how to release them. What I have found to be transformational: psychedelic therapy. It's not just tripping on shrooms. You work with a trained therapist to set an intention beforehand. The reason it works: in the brain, the saying goes, neurons that fire together, wire together. We create habits - habits of the stories we tell ourselves, what they mean-
rubypilgrim
to us, the "emotional" habits they trigger - over and over we tell ourselves these things until we think they ARE us. Psychedelics used in this manner cause these neurons to "loosen up" a bit, and we have a chance, with follow-up therapy, to step back from these stories and habits, to have the breathing room to intentionally examine them, to question what we want and whether these are helping us - and we can literally choose something else. In don't think I "let go" so much as I "lost interest"-
rubypilgrim
and got more interested in something else. I'm still in the process, but one treatment has opened up permanent, positive change. I can remember those stories, even repeat them, and they don't have the same charge. Maybe that's what "letting go" means. I don't know that it requires psychedelics, but that's what helped me. It's not just me: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230614-how-a-dose-of-mdma-transformed-a-white-supremacist
Autittuderp
Yep, we can rewire those neuropathways with knowledge, understanding and embodiment...but it's over and over for a long time to get there...psychedelics are the jump start we can use.
Paithinzo
ive read all or this advice before and i have trouble internalizing #4 i know i need to do better but i just cant seem to get the hang of it
CreatureFromtheBlackLegume
My go to is "I will learn from this and if it happens again I'll be better prepared". That was the first thing I was able to successfully tell myself, and from there I've grown to be more optimistic about setbacks in other ways. If that fails, then sometimes the only thing I can muster up is "it could have been worse"
Autittuderp
Can I recommend IFS and edmr therapies? It helps break down those walls that are stopping us from loving ourselves.
Paithinzo
can you recommend a job that pays enough for therapy lol
Autittuderp
There are books on IFS and we can teach ourselves the tools with patience and compassion.
FUKYU350
#1 well yeah, but why does it phrase the first half so negatively? Criticising your children is part of the role as a parent. If your child is mean to another kid off their own decision; You criticise them, and in turn it teaches them to condemn hatred or violence against others. Etc.
Autittuderp
Contribution instead of criticism. Easy.
FUKYU350
You can't contribute to telling a child to not be a dick to people by just showing.
If you don't criticise people ever they won't get better. Condemning goes both ways.
Autittuderp
If that child is raised by dicks ...they become dicks. Children learn through modelling not criticism. Contribution comes in the form of compassionate communication not condemnation.
kiefpant
#1 is just way too much to remember. The only thing you need to remember is to not be a dick. Your kids will turn out fine.
Handy side note: it's an easy way to summarise the ten commandments as well.
Autittuderp
It's true though it helps people identify with their own experience in order to internalize the truth.
kiefpant
Possibly, but the inherent risks are that firstly it also gives people an excuse to blame the parents for their own shortcomings (just because someone is an asshole, doesn't mean it's the parents fault) and secondly the behaviours still need to be done right (encouragement done right can develop confidence, but done wrong can breed arrogance).
Autittuderp
When we know a reason for something, it's not about blame...it's about responsibility because we can change those behaviours. Knowing why doesn't give us an excuse to be a prick. Many things can all be true...the world isn't made of absolutes.
lostinamapfactory
#9
GravyEducation
#2 but honestly most of them, I have a saying. "You are the captain of your own vessel." Meant to sound pirate-y but look we're just flesh and blood, and neurons. The only thing you have is that 🧠 inside your cranium so pilot your vessel through every strait, you can do it. I believe in you. I'm also high but I feel like that doesn't make this less wise
Autittuderp
It doesn't. I hear you.
GravyEducation
You doing good OP? I'm probably about to make spaghetti, I'm severely lacking in the "eat food and drink water" part of self care right now. This week kinda sucked but I ain't hear no bell
Autittuderp
We all have those weeks. Doing the best we can with the tools we have. You never know something here may be the tool you need for next wk. And thanks, I'm doing well.
garbuhj
#1 This is not a meaningful list. Humans aren't simple if-then functions. There's a huge range of different responses that will develop in different kids who are given the same poor treatment. Bad treatment of a child will cause a bad effect on them, but the specific type of bad effect will vary enormously in each individual.
madeejit
Guidelines #0 : Don't be an asshole.
garbuhj
I wasn't
Spidermonkey969696
Also it has a very "some emotions are bad and some are good vibe" when that's not how emotions work. Criticism, fear, jealousy, pity, shame...are all good things to feel/do under certain contexts. And the good ones can be bad in certain contexts. I also hate when "feeling sorry for yourself" is painted as a bad thing. It implies self-compassion is selfish or shameful. Like "be compassionate, but not to yourself" doesn't make any sense when you think about it.
Autittuderp
No emotion is bad...the way we display and or process them may not be good for us. Emotional regulation should be modelled and the emotions validated and explained as per a child's cognitive and developmental ability. Sadly,many parents don't even know how to identify their own emotions
Autittuderp
Neuroscience is proving these things. Imaging is allowing us to see where certain conditioning and cognition begins and the cause and effect is pretty simple. Of course other factors can contribute...nothing is absolute but many things are probable.
Thisisnot9gag
My parents sacrificed everything to me and my brother: I am thankful for that, and try to pass it forward, he however became one of those entitled person who thinks deserve everything and is grateful for nothing, claims our parents did that due to their own neuroticism.
Autittuderp
We can never know someone's internal experience, even if we live w them for 30 yrs.
Thisisnot9gag
meskarune
Right? Like some children of alcoholics become alcoholic but others cannot stand to be drunk or be around drunk people.
garbuhj
Exactly. For every parental action listed i can point to a bunch of different very common outcomes
Autittuderp
That would be great. The more knowledge the better. These were compiled with neuro attachment models and developmental insight. Any others would be interesting to see.
Autittuderp
That's because each child has a different internal and external experience. No two children are ever treated the same or have the exact same version of their caregivers as their siblings do. There is so much more to it than that.
Hununun
Growing up in an upper middle class family, I felt guilty for struggling so much. Then I learned that generational wealth in a wider sense also comes from parents being able to regulate their emotions. Mine couldn't.
Autittuderp
Our developing brains don't care about money, they care if we are taught to identify and process our emotions.
Urgalicity
#1 Critique is vital to growth, what do you change if nothing is wrong? Ever heard of Socraties?
demosthenes89
Yeah criticism is not a dirty word. Learning how to hear and evaluate constructive criticism is a pretty vital skill that a lot of adults still struggle with.
Urgalicity
It's where half of our cultural problems come from.
Autittuderp
Unsolicited advice is perceived as criticism and ignites shame. Contribution should be what we are looking to utilize as there is a difference between them. One is received...one is rejected. Why do we always believe people need to accept harshness instead of compassion. This post shows people's reactions....did they perceive it as someone telling them what to do or how to be? They don't like that do they? Yet those who read it from a space of compassion see the difference.
Urgalicity
https://mlpp.pressbooks.pub/introphil/chapter/euthyphro/ Sometimes, unsolicited advice and criticism prevent tragedy, abuse and injustice. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it's wrong.
Autittuderp
We are speaking of developmental and emotional ability to process this.
Urgalicity
And you're teaching them things that will hurt them later. Like lifting, proper form is essential to preventing injuries.
Urgalicity
The difference is when the advice attacks something innate and unchangeable about the person vs something that have power of choice over. Guilting someone because they love dance is immoral, but pointing out that a particular dance is associated with a particular group with unsavory ideas. Valid criticism.
demosthenes89
Exactly. Translated to parenting: I don't tell my 4 yr old he is mean and nasty when he hits his sister. I say "I know you're frustrated but you hurt people when you hit them and that's not ok" and then he has to go in time out and we talk about what he could have done differently. There's a nuance between telling a kid "you are bad" and "you did a bad thing".
Urgalicity
The rule for constructive criticism is: is it actionable, specific and why is there a preferred alternative. "If you lift the couch cushions, and set them on the ground you can vacuum all the bits of dust up more easily and completely than if you try to just dig the crevice tool into the seams." And the alternative must be motivated by a reason that has repeatability. Here it is: moving things to clean behind them results in a more complete removal of debris.
Autittuderp
Contribution is critical to growth. There's a difference.
DaisyfromDownunder
Kindly remind your kids that religion poisons everything.
Autittuderp
Always a great side note.
SebastianKronos38
Side note for anyone confused: religion is not the same thing as spirituality. Spirituality is what you believe in and how you choose to follow that belief, religion is the rules placed upon you by those who use spirituality as a control method.
DaisyfromDownunder
One delusional belief is the same as another.
Autittuderp
Agreed
PaulTomblin
#5 Oof. That one hits hard. I’d show it to my therapist but he’d just say “I’ve been telling you this for 2 years now”.
Autittuderp
The teacher appears when the student is ready. There had to have been something different to have clicked a bit more with you. I found IFS therapy great for that letting go bit. You will get there...and a little hack I found was forgiving myself for all the shame - handing it back to the person who deserved to carry it. That weight wasn't minem
wraiththefourth
Some people are average and there's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is special. Stop trying to pretend everyone is a unique flower. I'm average. Screw everyone for making me feel bad for not being special.
Autittuderp
You don't have to *do* or *be* anything you aren't to be special. And yes, we are all unique. The machine may outwardly be similar but we all have our own operating system and purpose, it's up to us to determine what that is.
TZO2k15
#2 It's also good with online interactions, as I have learned to not take anything online personally, particularly when someone makes it personal, for example, I make a point to not use confrontational, defensive, and/or accusatory language, nor do I isolate the person's actions for condemnation, I generally just stick to facts and neutral observations about the issue causing friction, it's just easier that way, and bonus points, your blood pressure remains stable!
Autittuderp
That's a great practice to get into, for sure. I know if someone is getting personal and snarky, its their insecurity with their argument that's making them mad, not me.
TZO2k15
Yep, and aggression can also manifest from their insecurity which is all the more reason to remain objective and even agreeable so they can get their emotions out without judgement of their state of mind at that moment, as I have no idea who they are, so their anger can stem from a plethora of motivators that I haven't even thought of, as they may be angry because of some trauma/bad event in their lives that manifests as snark/anger… so I don't respond to it with anger, ⇒
TZO2k15
⇐ instead, I try to remain neutral, then they have the benefit of allowing that anger to work its way out of the interaction, and all they're left with is relief, relief that their anger was assuaged, and no one involved holds any judgement or malice, so there's nothing for that anger to latch onto and feed off of! And you both get to walk away free from any negative emotions!