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TL;DR: OP is having a difficult year and doesn't know how to get better.

I'm sorry to interrupt your browsing but I don't know what else to do. For the past year, I have been dealing with depression. The reason is I lost the friendship of someone very close to me. A little info. I have always felt awkward or uncomfortable around people, even friends and family. I learned to live with it and assumed it was a normal thing. I'm not much of a talker, don't share my emotions and always answer how I'm doing with "fine." I never bother with explaining my "issues" to others because I always feel that there is nothing they could do so why bother them with it. I probably have deep seated issues because of my childhood, which I won't bother you with, but it's all I have known. Then I met my friend and it was different.

I slowly began to realize that those feelings of discomfort were pretty much non-existent around her. I enjoyed talking to her or sharing my emotions. I felt naturally comfortable around her, which I am not used to. I felt more comfortable around her after one year than I did with my ex-wife, whom I have known for 23 years and married for 12 of them. Still friends. It was amicable. I'm not saying I am uncomfortable around my ex-wife but it's a "learned comfort," so to speak, and there was still a nagging feeling that I was different and just mimicking the emotions of those around me. Just much quieter than with other people. I know everyone is different. It's that those feelings are always present when I am around other people. Those feelings weren't there with my friend.

I've never had that before. I didn't even know it was possible. I thought it was normal to feel different, and in a way it is, but I didn't know I could not feel different with someone. I am assuming because of this, and the fact that she fit my definition of a beautiful woman, I developed feelings for her. It wasn't exactly reciprocated but it wasn't exactly not, either. Long story, don't need to tell it. I ended up making mistakes, or what I viewed as mistakes, and was so afraid of losing this unicorn of a friendship as well as the chance for more, that I guess I pushed her away. I think she was afraid of hurting me and I was afraid of messing up but I don't know exactly what caused her to make me say goodbye for good. She had been willing to be friends but I was doing something wrong and making things bad for her. I don't know what I was doing wrong. I truly don't and I think that is making things harder for me as well.

I just don't know what else to do because I can't seem to get better. I have a sadness that hasn't lessened with time and I can't let go. I don't think I know how to let things go and I generally just "ignore" my feelings until they don't hurt or I forget about them. Usually both. I can't do that with her though. The times I spent with her were the happiest moments I have had in a long long time. I am going to therapy and taking several different pills but I can't seem to get better. I guess I am just asking for help, or maybe friends, even though I don't know how to hold a conversation. I don't care about the points. I may occasionally be suicidal but fake internet points won't make things better for me. I just don't know what else to do.

And before anyone asks, No, I did not get a divorce to be with my friend. I did get it because of my friend but not to be with her. My feelings for her made me realize and admit that I didn't have those feelings for my ex-wife and hadn't for a while before the divorce and meeting my friend. We hadn't really been happy for a while but we are both a little stubborn. She's happier now, so it was the right thing to do. And like I said, still friends.

Go easy usersub, it's my first time.