Another Joke I Love/My Wife Hates

In New York, there is a highly successful business owner.

He has it all: riches, influence, a big company, a beautiful family and great health. Every day, he comes to work and makes big decisions that affect many people. For the most part, he makes the right decisions.

One day, in the middle of a board meeting,

the man starts to feel lightheaded, tight in the chest and his breathing becomes struggled. After a few seconds of this, he passes out. The rest of the board, seeing their beloved leader on the ground, calls the ambulance for him.

After many expensive and extensive examinations

the finest doctors money can buy determine that he has blood pressure problems. They give him several prescriptions. A couple for blood pressure, one for cholesterol and a blood thinner. He takes the medications every day and for weeks feels 100%.

Until a little over a month later,

when he again feels lightheaded, tight-chested and unable to breathe. He falls unconscious again, this time in his office. It takes his assistant much longer to notice that he's missing, but one she does, she splashes cold water on his face and he snaps awake. She tells him of a psychiatrist she knows and, since he respects her opinion, he books an appointment.

After a lengthy (and costly) session with the shrink

he is told that the pressure of having so many people rely on him is causing severe depression. The Psychiatrist gives him a prescription for fluoxetine, which he promptly fills and takes with meticulous regularity for the next three months.

This time, he is at a press conference

when he feels the same shortness of breath, chest tightness and lightheadedness. So many people witnessed it this time that he starts to get emails with suggestions on how to overcome his health issues. Almost all of them contain the same advice he has already followed. But one is different; it suggests that he try a homeopathic approach. He is so desperate at this point, he tracks down a holistic healer.

He tells the healer he's willing to try anything.

"That's good, man. 'Cause what you need to do is pretty far out. You might not like this, man, but I guarantee it'll solve all your problems. What you need to do is distance yourself from the material world, man. You gotta reconnect with Gaia, man. Go out on your spirit journey and discover your true self, man!"

After much deliberation and internal conflict

he ultimately decides to follow the guru's advice. He liquidates the company, sells off his expensive cars, dumps all of his stocks, closes is off-shore accounts. He even sells his wardrobe. He gives every dime he has to his wife and children, ensuring that they never want for anything. With nothing more than donation bin clothes, he leaves New York and begins a life of riding the rails cross-country.

As he journeys from one ocean to the other

he learns the life from other homeless people. They teach him the best parts of town to beg for food, the safest places to stay overnight, even how to word a panhandling sign and talk people into donating." By the time he hits the beaches of California, he is an expert and immediately finds where the young businesspeople go for lunch every day, as this is his best bet for a meal.

For weeks and weeks, he gets by in this place,

giving his best pitch and getting plenty to live in relative happiness. He finds a simple kind of bliss that comes from not having the weight of many other people on his shoulders. One man in particular frequently stops to give him a bite of food or a bit of spare change. The two develop something of a curt friendship, occasionally having a bit of conversation over lunch.

One day, the generous man doesn't offer any help and seems very down.

The homeless man, who feels quite fond of this businessman, asks what the problem is. "I started a business about a year ago, and it seems that every move I make is the wrong one. I'm hemmorhaging money, my wife left me and I'm going to have to lay off all of my employees."

The homeless man tell him that he can help.

He explains to the man about his business, his health problems, and how he came to be here. The businessman is to the point where he'll take advice wherever he can find it, and this hobo's ideas really do sound pretty solid.

He starts following the homeless man's advice

and before long, it really pays off. The business turns around. His company becomes successful beyond his wildest dreams, he's able to offer more benefits to his employees and he finds a new, much less shallow wife. In his vast appreciation, he offers to use his newfound wealth to try and repay the hobo. He asks if there is anything he can do.

The hobo replies "Well, there is one thing.

My one regret is not being able to see my wife and family for the last year or so. I'm not sure they'll want to see me, but I'd like to try." The businessman immediately tells him that he'll send him first class to New York whenever he wants and asks if there's anything else he can do.

"Actually, I guess there is one other thing.

It's been so long and I'm already so ashamed that I left them so suddenly...I don't really want them to see me like this. I don't have any clothes to make myself presentable to them." The businessman's face lights up as he tells him about the tailor he's started using now that he has the money. I'll set you up an appointment and let him know that whatever you want is covered.

So the homeless man goes to the tailor,

who immediately begins to interrogate him about what he wants. "What kind of material would you like? What style of shoe? Your favorite socks? Boxers or briefs?" Before long, the homeless man begins to get impatient and insists that the tailor begin measuring him for the suit. So the tailor takes his measurements and runs them down out loud. "Okay, so a 33 waist, 39 chest and 16 neck."

'Hold on a second, pal,' the homeless man says.

'Before I became destitute, I had my clothes tailored for years, and that last measurement is off. It's a 15 at the neck, not a 16.' The tailor, being frustratingly easygoing, takes his time remeasuring and insists that the man's neck is 16 inches. 'The hell it is! I don't know what kind of shoddy work you do here, but I know what I'm talking about. My old tailor in New York was the best money could buy. My neck is 15 inches, so make the shirt accordingly.'

The tailor shrugs and turns toward his table to get to work.

"Alright, sir. But I'm telling you, if you wear a shirt with a 15 inch neck, before long, you're going to get lightheaded, you will have chest tightness and difficulty breathing and you could even pass out."