I can't sleep.

This is currently how I feel.

My mom whom I haven't seen in years or spoken to often over the phone will be arriving here in under 12 hours.

This is pretty much how I feel about life right now.

Two weeks ago my mom's apartment experienced water damage and 1/4 of her things were ruined. They gave her a new apartment that on the 2nd of February burned down. She lost almost everything in the fire. February 2nd was also the 20 year anniversary of when my father died from a fire in Borislav, Ukraine. Despite this, she has tried to remain optimistic (even though she suffers from depression and anxiety)

She tried to apologized for her behavior at some point and welcomed me home.

And even though I came back home for a short time, I couldn't forgive her or believe her that she was accepting of me. Things were fine for some time but..

I ended up being right and it was really disappointing.

I moved out again after a short stay. I decided to just live my life how I wanted and talk to her only when I really needed to. This has continued for a very long time.

But recently I've realized I was wrong too

I was a really difficult teenager and did not make things easy for her. I never compromised and started a lot of the issues. And even though I'm still not the daughter she envisioned or she the mother I wanted, I want her in my life. I want her to see how I am. I've heard it's hard seeing parents age. I worry she will look more frail than I remember or that I won't know what to say.