RetiredLaserMan
16046
327
13
Jun 21, 2026 3:18 PM
RetiredLaserMan
16046
327
13
Davedavedavedavedave
If your asleep in the car your arms stay up
nelllybellly1
12 yo me convinced my 7 yo chatterbox brother people are given a finite # of words to use over their lifetimes and the reason it was hard to understand our grandmother (her first languages were Yiddish and Russian) was because she used up too many of hers. But then I felt guilty a few minutes later and told him it wasn't true.
ISayGoodSirCouldIHaveSomeGoodChemicals
mommy and daddy were in fact not wrestling...
Xenarion
My parents just said "no" without making dumb excuse and that was the end of it for me. Post like this make me understand how some people seem to never have learned how to handled being told "no".
jesuisgur
You can have a bit of fun instead of just going 'NO!'. I have a friend (!) who sent his kid to bed by 7 even when they were more than 10yo (I don't know now). I used to know him as a cool guy, but he and his wife seemed to be terror incarnate. We were at a New Year's party and my 3yo struggled like crazy to stay awake for the midnight fireworks, but his kids were in bed at 7.
ExplodingPortaPotty
I used to have a camping TV that ran on like 8 big ass fuckin D cells.
PhoenixLillith
How should I know what lies you tell your kid?
REOJackwagon
*arriving at burnt down warehouse
"It looks like Disneyland burnt down "
codenametrixie
Imagine hyping up your kid about going to Disneyland and pulling up to a burned out warehouse.
REOJackwagon
From SNL
trouble4you
I’ll be put in jail if he doesn’t go to school. 2. Policeman will arrest any child who is not in bed by 8.00 and is talking back to their parent.
KingOfTheImgurians
Cookies can't cook if there's too much noise.
yougotredonyu
“Bed time is a concept made up by big sleep to sell more pillows.” - my ten year old
WyldStallynsRule
I like the cut of her jib.
HopelessNecr0mantic
That kid's going places. Not to bed, but places.
yougotredonyu
She’s going to MIT this fall.
maybeamonster
ah, so it wasn't an admonition of big pillow, but simply game recognizing game. now she's off to engineer big sleep's next pillow breakthrough.
powwerbottom
Everyone will know if you pee in the pool bc there's a chemical that turns it purple
FloatingOnACloudOfTitties
The car won’t start without everyone having their seatbelt on.
RipThemUpRatchet
Honestly this should be a feature XD
jeffhellw
The "no" list can be modified.
robnorrisradio
Um, actually, many public parks do close (usually 10:00 pm), in order to prevent the homeless from sleeping there.
kthnxbye22
...Everyone knows at least one secret language.
When nobody is looking, I can fly.
We are all held together by invisible threads.
Books get lonely too.
Sadness can be eaten.
I will always be there.
Raul Gutierrez
Munchman347
'His real Dad wasn't actually going out for smokes...'
kthnxbye22
Lies I’ve Told My 3 Year Old Recently
Trees talk to each other at night.
All fish are named either Lorna or Jack.
Before your eyeballs fall out from watching too much TV, they get very loose.
Tiny bears live in drain pipes.
If you are very very quiet you can hear the clouds rub against the sky.
The moon and the sun had a fight a long time ago.
...
pickinganameistoomuchpressure
the bear night be true a la tardigrades
RipThemUpRatchet
Trees DO communicate via fungal networks in their roots, and share mineral resources that way.
And tiny bears DO live in drain pipes, they’re called tardigrades, aka “water bears.” ;)
swedeonamoose
I remember when my lil cousin found out her favorite smoked meat also happened to be her favorite animal, roe deer, not a happy kid after that.
Howlingowl
As a kid I loved nature documentaries and was absolutely fascinated with the natural world. I never struggled with the concept that animals eat other animals. I knew humans were just another animal and therefore ate other animals. I thought other kids were stupid when they were squeamish over the fluffy cute ones dying.
VissyIngViking
Most of what I am drinking is not actually spicy.
lightfoot2
Dome light one got me as a kid. Though it does make driving harder (rear mirror doesn't work well)
Snooj
It also causes reflections on the front windshield and causes the driver's eyes to start acclimating to light so it's harder to see outside in the darkness.
Dungeongeek
My dad was saying he, he just explained how the glare on the interior window made it harder to see oncoming vehicles.
He also demonstrated it by looking into a lit house at night as opposed to looking out into a dark yard at night
theshinobi23
I also have gotten bad night vision that gets worse the older I get. I see in the dark just fine, actually, but if there's a light, my eyes adjust to the light and don't see into the dark well. Idk if there's a name for that, but my eyes can't adjust well to see past a light, so the dome light does basically blind me to the night road.
dohcohv
It was worse with non-halogen sealed beam lights because you really needed your night vision and would lose some of it when the dome light would come on.
lightfoot2
You still need your night vision esp when some loser with super bright LED lights blinds you for a moment.
DrKenAdams
No, you cant have any oreos, they're, um, too spicy, you won't like them
dudethisbetternotbetaken
"If you misbehave at school, I'll ground you until you're 65 years old."
davebarton315101
Where does beef come from?
yanceylebeef
My kid was almost 7 before he realized ice cream wasn’t spicy.
Resistance1000
Fido is not living on a farm upstate.
ScienceIsNotALiberalConspiracy
What about the sewer monster which will pull you into the toilet if you sit too long?
nintendolunchbox
The ice cream isn't too spicy for them.
Rabidwoodchuck1119
When my son was 4 many moons ago, he said his ice cream was "too loud" because he couldn't remember "brain freeze".
nintendolunchbox
Blood in your arteries hitting cold food in your skull IS too loud.
Autittuderp
The ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream
jesuisgur
After she was sick from eating too much potato chips: "You are allergic to chips and you are gonna be sick every time". It scared her and it was a good 5 years before she figured it out !
strawberrycocoa
…. Wut
IGotLordVoldemortsNose
my mother used to get us to run around the table if our dinners were too hot, cos it cooled them down.
ChiLLeCheeze
Great way to lose trust in parents. My mom would always claim I was lying because she wants to hear what she wants to hear.
Canigetbannedagain2
The tides do not go in and out, the planet rotates into the tides. ( More like a blob of water we go in and out of it)
ChicanoBatman
My sister and all the neighborhood wives told the kids it was a fish truck, with ice cream advertising. Being the uncle zim supposed to be, gave them $20 and told them the truth as the truck was coming down the street.... right before dinner
MrsHowVeryDareYou
What ice cream truck? Oh you mean the music truck that’s sole purpose is to drive around playing music?
TunnelRat13
"This is why movies always have music, the trucks in Hollywood just play different songs than ours."
BananaForScaIe
*furiously scribbles notes for next script*
TakuanSoho
... you monster
Autittuderp
It wasn't me...it was my parents lol
BananaForScaIe
They monster.
Autittuderp
https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1aTNza282eGRmYnBnaDlwYjVpcnQ0ejFocG14dnRyZ2dibWwxanRsbyZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/KHEmiWsooSkWA8owc9/200w.webp
Pilgrymm
There's no actual "Clean Plate Club"
Leaps
This is actually pretty damaging for kids and leads to life long eating problems. Please don't do this.
Pilgrymm
KitteyWolf
theres absolutely ways to encourage kids to finish their plate without being abusive about it. its just a fine line
Leaps
Or just let them stop eating when they are not hungry, like humans are supposed to do... instead of teaching them to ignore what their body is telling them about their appetite.
EricAirheart
When she lies her nose turns red. (She would also cover her nose when she lied)
jesuisgur
I used that one, but with it ears. But she got aware of my bullshit very very early... She isn't easily fooled now.
EricAirheart
My kid knew the ear one but when I switched it to "red nose" she believed it. Granted, she was 3.
jesuisgur
"I have long hair, you can't see my ears" when I was trying to use the "you ears are turning red" trick... And then step back so I couldn't lift her hair !
EricAirheart
Hahah kids are so silly.
spontaneous9
That is brilliant.
Conz
This one gave me trauma, because my mom would say stuff like that even when I was telling the truth.
wadatahmydamie
My mom did that to me too, except “if you’re smiling, I can tell you’re lying.” That evolved into “you’re not smiling, so you must be hiding it.”
It’s why I’m talented at saying the most off the wall shit with a completely deadpan expression (sadly, you’ll have to take me at my word on this)
PrincessWasabi
…no, you’re lying !!! (Sorry, had to)