I dont want to die, but i see no reason to live.

So I recently called the suicide hotline, and received assistance, to the extent of a hung up call. Back story, seems like i wasnt enough threat, maybe it was the two cops that passed my car while i was parked that deemed i was no threat. Well I hoped maybe the ride home would help from a long 140 mph drive on the highway from ct to nyc, a little inebriated. Would the drive home be the same at 140 mph. I dont want to hurt anyone, just myself. Just a slip up and that would be the reason, it wasnt suicide. it was drunk driving. or was it? whatever will make family and friends feel better. Even the person on the other end made it sound like it was nothing. But they didnt understand the whole picture, it was hard to explain it all. you really only heard the tip of the ice berg. Depression is tough even harder when you already think you have no worth. hah maybe i was drunk dialing. whatever the cop i passed at 140 didnt think so. he never found me. lucky me, im home. is that good. i dont know tomorrow is another day of depression and feeling like there is no point to move on. My best wishes to all of you who endure. those who dont wish tomorrow will never come. to those of you who do. Maybe you can find a reason. After a life time of mistakes and bad choices. is it just mid life crisis. Or is it something else.