normalushall5
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6689
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I live every day with the guilt.
I didn't love her, and she was just the worst. Abusive, controlling, and generally a miserable person. Then she got sick, and very rapidly succumbed to cancer. I stayed by her side the whole time taking care of her as best I could. It took me five years to admit it to myself. The worst part about it? That I still get so much sympathy over her death but it was the times when she was alive that were the most painful. Now I dodge bill collectors for her unpaid medical bills (no insurance at the time) and I am stuck in a mortgage I don't want far from my family. Things could have been worse, if she hadn't passed away it would have been a nasty divorce.
I know that I am terrible. At least I can acknowledge it now.
FP EDIT: Thanks for the overwhelming support. I am surprised by how many of you have similar experiences/feelings. If you haven't said something nice to your SO, or loved ones today, this is your friendly reminder.
kilonevada
Queklain
Might wanna stay away from Silent Hill, you're gonna have a bad time.
chiefchaka
I'm glad I wasn't the only one get James vibes
Outlavv
Thats not terrible if its the truth. Dieing doesnt erase the fact that she was bad to you. Start living the best you can now
EvilandImaginary
Mortgage I can't help ya with but her medical bills don't have to be paid by you unless there was an estate/inheritance.
EvilandImaginary
I went through this when my mother died. Report to them her death and that there was no estate left behind and they are SOL. Dad didn't pay.
PutThePRNDLinD
Let her go, forgive yourself, and move on.
ErrareHumanumEww
..forgive? For what?
zRude
If a person have been a complete shit while he/she lived. He/She continues to be the complete shit even after death.
butler12
This is true. I can recall the date, time, all of it when Dad died. With mom, it's only been a few years. Just a relief, couldn't even 1/2
butler12
Tell you what year. She was a monster. I felt only relief. She could have had friends and love, but chose to hate the whole world.
MikeG1218
In a time when many people don't take their marriage vows seriously, or jump in and out of marriage like its no big deal, you stuck it out 1
MikeG1218
2. When she truly needed you. Disney fairytales arent real life. What you experienced was. You did the right tbing taking care of her.
MikeG1218
3. Now stop feeling guilty (I know, easier said than done) and start taking care of yourself.
Greytrek90
Hear, hear
donttouchmeimacactus
@OP read this
ISwearImNotAHorcrux
OP you should watch the movie A Monster Calls. You're not a bad person.
TomZarekVP
Are you in a community property state? Because if not you shouldn't have to pay off any of her debts, including medical.
SomeDetroitGuy
It's fake.
LeeTheEnginee
Good god, I just want to give you a hug.
HelaSisterOfThor
You stuck by her when she needed you most. I'm sorry the relationship was awful but you did more than most would have. That was still an act
HelaSisterOfThor
Of love and compassion no matter what place it came from and you see it as now.
butler12
Yes. Some are horrible people to EVERYONE and lucky to have even one person left that can shoulder the abuse and tend them in the end. Sad.
rylecx
My parents were totally in love when my mom died of cancer and he was still relieved when it was over. It's a miserable process regardless
myteenyverse
I work in medical and experienced cancer in my family, actively mourning the person while they’re still alive.
Poteightos
I love my partner. By all accounts she hasn't got a year left, advanced bowel cancer. In my darkest moments I wish it was over already.
raggamuffin132
If you didn't love her why'd you make her your wife?
doomsdaydanceparty
I was relieved when my husband died of cancer. But I did love him. He'd suffered his whole life & his death ended suffering. Now I suffer.
MrMallIronmaker
1/2 Feeling relieved when an abusive relationship ends is normal, even though feelings are muddled by her tragic death. I had similar
MrMallIronmaker
2/2 feelings when my dad moved out. I was happy my mom finally stood up for herself, but I felt I should have been sad.
speedbagmynuts
Actually, I'm refreshed by the pure honesty of the situation. I think you're a good person, it's not your fault she was awful
HadMeSomeChickens
OP, this is the kind of shit you make a new account for.
tiexodus
You're not terrible
mechanicalchaos
You were not required to love her. But you did the noble thing and sat through a person dying so they wouldn't be alone. Your actions (1)
mechanicalchaos
mattered more than your feelings at that time. Now you need to process how you felt, dust yourself off, and start living for yourself. (2)
maholt
Well, you are, just not for that reason
TheKidGorgeous
Haha good joke
DogBoobs
Emmii
.
Pineappleinthedesert
You would know first hand.
Digicat
It's been at least 5 years. You're allowed to forgive yourself.
carnut99
Similar situation, wife is terminally ill but is going very slow 10 years in and on track to die of old age instead and she's only in her...
carnut99
40s. She's no evil like yours but the love has been gone for years. I'm pretty sure she knew of her disease and shopped me as a husband...
carnut99
for insurance and to be a caretaker. I hate myself for even thinking this. It got so bad, I even brought up divorce once so that we...
carnut99
could both be happy, however, she threatened suicide... We get one life going through it without love just sucks
Tanwolf
I suggest talking to her about an open marriage. If she doesn't want a divorce and wants you just for insurance, tell her you want a gf. >>
Tanwolf
I'm not one for cheating and dislike an open marriage because if you want it open, don't get married in the first place. But marriages use>
krispiporkchop
Did you two have any kids together?
Inappr0priate
@op
normalushall5
No, no kids thank god.
BaronSpaghetti
Then you are free. Declare bankruptcy and live your life the way you want.
cussfire
I understand. Thanks. You helped me today with your confession. I'm seeing a therapist and it's working. Something to consider, buddy.
chase7436
You don't have to answer, but I'm just wondering- did she change in behavior at some point after you got married or something?
Ilikeyogurt
Right? He married her voluntarily... were you forced to or was it an arranged marriage @op?
normalushall5
She changed after we got married, she had problems, and they made her worse.
joeyjojosharknado
It seems to be a common thing. Some people don't show their true selves until they think they have you 'locked in'. Sorry for your hardship.
thegoodnoches
If you're in the U.S., you don't have to pay her individual (not joint) debts unless there's an Estate or Trust. Tell them to get fucked.
AccountancyShanty
Even if there is an estate or trust, the debts are paid by the entity (a stand-in for the person) rather than the husband. Debts are only -
AccountancyShanty
- collectible to the extent that the person's solvency allows (assets individually owned stand good for liabilities individually owed).
EvilandImaginary
Up voting all these I find. Surprisingly most of imgur seems unaware of this fact.
whydotheycometometodie
Worst they can do is get a lean on her assets that haven't converted to beneficiary, but they would have to go through court for that
thegoodnoches
Yeah, and it's rare that they can move that fast too.
evildadunit
You stayed by her on a hard journey. Don't second guess yourself. Be relieved. Now go find somebody who's nice to you
PrincessLeliana
You stuck it out for her till the end, you're still a good person @OP
Ps456
OP is actually kind of a loser. Should of been smart and left a shitty relationship prior to her getting sick.
tiexodus
Precisely
artyscash
Almost too good. Dont feel guilty op.
DickPicEnthusiast
Yeah, it's not like @OP is John Edwards or something.
BeauDuke01
And that, is how you confession bear.
ForgivingCat
+1. @op is a horrible person.
iBangYourFace
Under every real confession bear there is a Top comment saying that this is a real confession bear.
TheAnswerToLifeTheUniverseAndEverythingIsCheese
Thank you! I was going to say the same thing!
johnnydarkside
But I do still kinda feel for him. Stuck with a terrible woman but still stays by her side loyally until she dies.
Shakespeare96
Um, I killed a person.
PrincessDonaldTrumpBANNED2
I was expecting a joke at the end
dustmywets
ShesMyWomanNordStyle
Yeah, thought it was going to cop out with something about her suffering finally being over. People misuse the meme to humble-brag too much.
FBKatB3TAdotcom
OP well said real life can be a shitter but I hope can find happiness
pyrogdubc
OutrageousKageous
Tops the list out of the ones iv seen...
BklynGirl
and that, is how you made me laugh
TheManFromScene24
Why did you marry her?
normalushall5
Because I loved her. It was different before we got married. Things changed, she had difficulties and blamed me for them.
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ford4life68
True love is almost always blind. Saw everything you loved but not what you didn't. It's okay OP. We're all here for you
Tanwolf
My ex blames me for many things, some of it is my fault but others is because she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions. She >
Tanwolf
would spend money on others then blame me for spending money on our kids when we ended up broke and couldn't afford unexpected expenses. I >
Tanwolf
didn't have a full-time job (I might've worked 20 hours a month) because I was taking care of 4 kids (not all of them mine). In her mind >
Tanwolf
it wasn't because she spent almost half her paycheck on herself, it was because I wasn't working enough. After divorce, I got a job and >
Toqom
Honestly, marriage sucks, people change when they know you're legally connected to them.
BreadyStinellis
That certainly isn't true for every marriage.
AllTheCoolKidsPeeTheirPants
Sometimes
WardSharlow
Marriage is like a three-legged race. Two running together go a lot faster than one person carrying the other.
IPoopAfterDrinkingCoffee
Hey that applies to my marriage! I never heard that. I like it.
AawesomeAardvaark
I'm going to use this
aLadyintheStreetsbutaFreakintheBuffet
Declare Bankruptcy. Seven years of responsible money managing and you get a fresh start without medical debt or that mortgage. Worth it.
blackbearlivesmatter
Solid Financial advice. What sector of the market are you in?
KimmyPage
probably a lawyer... my lawyers tell me to do it to. (used to be "a joke", now, the laws are more harsh, but shit, do it)
mystik42
Seconded. If corporations can declare bankruptcy w/o the guilty conscious, so can private individuals. It's just another financial tool.
AMother
My mother filed and was approved for her first mortgage before it even fell off, without a cosigner. Manage you're money well after and
AMother
You'll be fine.
DoctorDudeBruh
Before you even consider bankruptcy talk to a lawyer that SPECIALIZES n Bankruptcy. Otherwise you will yearn for the days of your abusive ex
nopenopenopenothanks
This! When I practiced bankruptcy the worst ones were people who had used inexperienced or no counsel. Fixing a bad bankruptcy is terrible.
nopenopenopenothanks
They also required a lot more lawyer hours to fix which in turn costed clients more money.
amoebab
TRUE. Just started working in bankruptcy with 2 experienced ppl and omg some of the cases done by general practice attorneys are bad!
Ilikeyogurt
Why?
yyak
¿Porque?
stresstwig
because a lawyer who doesn't know what they're doing can file things wrong amd screw you and cause the court to deny w/o option to refile.
stresstwig
i've seen it happen to friends and patients at my work. it ruins you if that happens.
DoofusMcGillicuttyEsq
1/2 Hey OP: if you're stuck in a mortgage, can't get out, and you're facing a pile of bills you can't possibly pay off, do yourself a favor
motittiesmoproblems
2/2 and shove it up your butt!
RaxianTheta
if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A*TEAM.
thatwoodguy
He might have trouble paying for them so he needs the B Team https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-U2a6glae3o
captainhindsite69
Nuanra
But before you do that, see if you can dispute some of those collections through Equifax
Denturedog
Burn the house down
RanchoCucamonga
I've marathon'd enough Forensic Files on netflix to see where that goes...
BustyBecky64
GO TO THE GENERAL AND SAVE SOME TIME
BoopedYourSnoot
stahp~!
ArtOfKarolMichalec
Do you have to pay someones medical bills even after they died? Now that’s just pure fucked up
Camelspotting
2/2 and hop the border to Mexico.
Sabruka
2/2 and fake your own death.
pfshfine
Glad I checked for this comment; I was gonna say the same.
DrKriegersClone
Hey, this guy's taking Roy off the grid!
psychedelictesticle
He doesn't have a Social Security number!!
Radiohen
lol
ShouldersDeepInAHorse
And switch to Geiko
xxirish83x
2/2 start a wife had cancer gofundme sympathy page
JoshuaDanielMartin
Genius
HPCmonkey
Sad part is, @OP could rake in cash with one of these.
normalushall5
I don't want charity. There are plenty of people in the world who have it worse than me.
PorkchoppSandwiches
CALL JG WENTWORTH! 877-CASHNOW
Huckleberry27616
Damn you. It’s now stuck in my head.
foolhollow
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/470/852/4ce.gif
Iwasafraidthatideatyourbrains
I have a structured settlement and I need cash now!
FleetFootFortune
I know the commercial is funny, but don't actually do that. You lose a significant amount of money to them. Work with debtors for payment.
PorkchoppSandwiches
Don’t listen to this schmuck, it’s your money use it when you need it
saucefordipping29
The one thing i miss about cable is these commercials.
ValamirCleaver
I'm Larry H. Parker & I'll fight for you! Larry H. Parker got me $2.1 million... https://youtu.be/5">ITZm9nFo">https://youtu.be/5QnITZm9nFo https://youtu.be/zMnVmT8bRSE
troublecliff
It's my money and I need it NOW!!!
Chaxinitus
It's YOUR punchline! Use it when YOU need it.
ArvisJaggamar
*sigh* ... *takes deep breath, flexes diaphragm* "I HAVE A STRUCTURED SETTLEMENT AND I NEED CASH NOW"
TheBeastRabban
Do you need CASH NOWWW?
GingerBeardsRule
I thought for sure that's where this is going
DoofusMcGillicuttyEsq
2/2 and talk to a bankruptcy attorney. It's painful, but it could give you a fresh start.
imgal76
OP may be too passive to do anything but go w the flow of his life. He can't even tell people the marriage was conflicted. Or it's all BS.
AgainstMethod
The first part of your comment made me think you were about to suggest one many very bad ideas. Was pleasantly surprised.
pedanticandpetty
^^ he would know. He's got esq after his name.
amoebab
Agreed! At the firm I work for, we don't charge to discuss a person's options and I think that's a common practice. Can't hurt to ask.
Damos1
Not where i expected that to go
SBSP129
Same
bradleyland
2nd this advice. I worked for a bankruptcy trustee. It is absolutely worth talking to a bankruptcy attorney.
saucefordipping29
We are about to talk to one. Its so fucking embarrassing, and makes me so angry.
ToonKuriboh
"I'm attorney Peter France Gerraisy..."
BreadyStinellis
Is he national? Or just in Wisconsin? Remember his old ones where he was even MORE robotic and you could see him reading the cue cards?
MotherofDragonsandCats
I think he is at least tri state. He has offices in illinois and indiana too. His spanish commercials are even worse.
Imhereforthelurking
God almighty, i remember those commercials, they guy was the paramount definition of dull, dusty legal attorney beaurocrat types.
isaidworstcase
It's true - I used everything's no to pay off my debt, and the counsellor told me my debt was nothing in light of the amount the Big 1/2
isaidworstcase
2/2 Machine generates and owes/is owed. You've tried everything. This is what bankruptcy is there for.
Corona688
big machine?
Charcharm
nashpotato
Michael you can't just say bankruptcy and expect something to happen
Arc518
I didn't say it, I declared it
Sonne91
Monkey problems? I don't have monkey problems!
AreYouFuckinSorryIsAStupidComment
As an atty- 100% agree. Talk to attorney in your area who has dealt w similar scenarios. Also, why are you responsible for her med debt?
swinglinered
Married?
bootninja
presumably because they were married.
stresstwig
because they were legally married. he's now estate holder, so the debt is now his. sucks. :/
PleasantPeasantPheasant
Because they were married?
amoebab
In my state, the doctrine of necessaries is valid and means spouses are responsible for each other's medical debt. It's a hold over--
amoebab
--from the pioneer days. Allowed women to get food on husband's credit. It was reaffirmed by the courts and applies to medical expenses.
OrionRed
Weird ending...you're an atty, and you asked that question. is that not always the case?
amoebab
Depends on the state (some have a rule about shared liability) and if you signed the financial agreement.
AllYourDownvotesAreBelongToUs
"If someone was dumb enough to lend you money, they DESERVE to get ripped off!" -GTAV radio advertisement.
Isthe4thtimethecharm
I thought that was a Turmp quote at first.
DrSpatula
Words to live by!
Mayyybe
OverpricedCrayon
I wish real life radio was like GTA radio.
Gayforbae
You mean, honest?
swinglinered
Fuddruckers--->Buttfuckers. Just give it time.
VoidofStatic
Future president Camacho approves of this.
Mothstradamus
But... Fuddruckers is my uh... friends last name...
hiphopapotamas
1/2 If OP wanted to keep his house and get out of the med bills, he could file a Ch 7 bankruptcy then do a reaffirmation agreement
nopenopenopenothanks
It also depends if he qualifies as insolvent in the means test.
lulurafa
Don't you get to keep your house in bankruptcy? I thought you only loss secondary residences
hiphopapotamas
1/2 In a Ch13 you get to keep your property, but in a Ch7 all assets are liquidated. Hence if you want to keep any property in a Ch7 you
hiphopapotamas
must reaffirm the debt with the creditor. i.e. you still have that specific debt. I know because I make money off broke folks for a living.
lulurafa
I mean, you still keep the mortgage debt though. Not all debt is eliminated by bankruptcy....
clid3r
Not quite how it works. BK eliminates everything except IRS debt, anything related to fraud and student loan debt.
duffy7850
Depends on the state. It really depends on how much the house is worth and how much of a homestead exemption the state allows.
hiphopapotamas
2/2 with the mortgage company.
jpparkenbone
Exactly what my parents did when their business went under. I was so thankful to learn they got to keep the house.
Littlebrownfoxx
This is why I love the imgur community
toxicchili
It loves you back, sometimes, randomly, when you least expect it. The rest of the time it's indifferent and doesn't know you exist.
jofo4242
But the real question is, are you a large water dwelling mammal?
BangForTheBuck
What do manatees have to do with this?
PedestrianElectrobastard
No, where'd you get that preposterous hypothesis?
dreadmad
That's been brought to the metropolis and taught how to breakdance?
JKava
Don't bankruptcy payments follow you for life?
sleete
Nope, after the BK has been discharged, you start fresh. Lenders will see you as first time buyer with a cleanish slate. Gone aftr 7 years
ilovefatgirls
Nope. With chapter 13 they usually want you to pay some or all of debt 36-60 months. Chapter 7 you don't pay cause you broke.
GoldenWupper
Any collateralized debt is still subject to foreclosure at discharge if the debt is not reaffirmed. Such as the mortgage. 1/?
GoldenWupper
Creditors can also place liens on real property after they charge off the debt in bankruptcy. Not as cut and dry as it's made out to be. 2/3
CallingYouOnYourShit
Hell no. You can go bankrupt like half a dozen times and still be President.
bradleyland
No. That's the entire point. YMMV: bankruptcy laws vary by state.
atechnicnate
Also the record of it is gone after 7 to 10 years. Medical BK is fairly common...
DarkSock
Only in the United States; the rest of civilized society takes care of their people
mcginger72
In the USA..
Andalite
In one First-world country it is
WellThatsOriginal
This is the best advice. I did it seven years ago and had credit in 6 months. Today I own a house, business and have pretty good credit.
stresstwig
good job for climbing out of that!
WellThatsOriginal
Thank you. I didn't mention that I had the help of a great woman. She is now my wife.