Underground Tales - Stories of a Cavern Guide

After giving around 1500 tours, sometimes I would forget specific numbers or names. At the beginning of each tour, I would ask if any of my guests had been there before, which would then let me gauge the amount of BS I could spew without being called on it.

The big one was the ages of formations. We had estimates that varied wildly and it was nearly impossible to remember which went with which.

This stench was around for a week or so before we found it.

The best we can gather is that some kid just couldn't hold it and their parent DANGLED THEM OVER THE FRAGGLING WALL (with a drop of about ~20 ft) BARE-ASSED AND HAD THEM COPRALIZE OVER THE EDGE.

In the end, once we'd found it, one of our maintenance guys and an assistant manager went down to clean it up. The stench was unimaginable.

So, I get that the guy didn't speak English. We get people from all around the world, so it isn't surprising at all. However, how do you miss going down into a very obvious hole in the ground and not make the connection that you are, in fact, underground until someone tells you?

The guy FREAKED and his guide called up and had another guide meet the runner halfway and escort him from the cave.

I have no comment, this phone call really happened. We got people who called all of the time, completely and 100% seriously asking if the cave had moved.

First, let me explain my actions. Throughout the tour, because I was personable and entertaining and extremely patient with kids, children tended to congregate near me at the front of the tours. I would go out of my way to make sure that they were having a good time, because happy kids = happy parents and happy parents = awesome tips. Over the course of the hour and 15 minute tour, I would typically pick a kid who I think could handle it or find it funny.

This girl was a little terror. She was on a field trip, so it was like 25 kids (9-10 yrs old) and 6-7 adult chaperones. She was mean to the students, the parents and me. Well, that got her on my list. The lights went off and I walked up to her in the dark and made a noise like a giant bat flying. She screamed bloody murder and started crying. I turned the lights back on and all the adults started clapping.

I felt bad, but one of them told me not to because she was awful and no one had ever stood up to her.

This guy was just an asshole.

Once we explained to the cop that it was indeed against the law to break cavern formations, they were waiting when he came up.

The bats really were harmless. They were about the same size as a McDonald's chicken nugget and were so docile that if you were calm enough you could even pet them. (NOT THAT ANYONE EVER DID THIS, NOPE, NEVER. They definitely DID NOT feel like a warm cotton ball.)

We used at the time the big metallic Mag-Lite flashlights. http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61uVNfyrFCL._SL1100_.jpg

This guy was crazy. He was mad at me because of something he claimed another guest did that I was somehow supposed to be responsible for. On the way out of the cave, I always asked the group what their least favorite parts of the tour were. This guy said "High school punk tour guides."

Cat Tax

Actually, my cat is uncooperative, so have a chicken instead. Her name is Camilla and she likes going places that she shouldn't.