OctaviaMinor
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I won’t lie. This was a really hard one. Because I don’t normally like to share or tell people that I am trans. It’s been nearly a decade of hrt and people no longer even notice, heck at an emergency surgery they even asked me if there was a chance I could get pregnant (which I thought was pretty funny) but sadly no I can not as I’m mtf.
I see a lot of posts that tell you if there are people who don’t accept your choices then you should burn the bridge and to cut those people from your life. While some people will always be assholes and will never change, there are also people who just need time to accept that things are different, these people still love you but are struggling to understand the choices. And they might not always reply with the right thing, hell I’m talking about how my parents had me “volunteer” to go to conversion therapy because if I did and still wanted to transition it would show I was serious.
Those were awful times, constant fighting, hatred, bitterness and feeling of overwhelming hopelessness. Was being who I wanted if I lost my friends and family? I kept going to it, and at the end of it. My parents admitted that they lied. They never intended to accept it and moreover were upset the “therapy” failed.
We didn’t talk much or at all the next few years but eventually I reached out to them and wanted to try and get lunch or dinner with them. Surprisingly they agreed, they said they still disagreed with my choices and that it was a mistake but they missed seeing me, I laughed off the first part even though it hurt. There were many awkward dinners or lunches and even one where I went on vacation with them (Huge mistake, it was too soon. And my mother and I got into a massive fight. And almost undid everything.)
I’ll glaze over the majority but many More years have passed, things have gotten significantly better and now we talk regularly, there are hardly ever displeasantries and when they do occur they are mild and more do to personal things not anything related to being trans.
I know that there are people in my life who will never accept me for who I am, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost family but I really do believe that some people are just shocked, they are confused and they don’t know how to response, but given enough time, understanding and love they can overcome and realize the mistake they made. I know this doesn’t help now if you have a loved one or family that doesn’t accept you but I still wanted to share.
Also this happened at like month 6 of conversion therapy. It was finally getting long >.
ILogInToUpvote
That's some seriously psycho christian "will murder you to save you from yourself" bullshit. Don't trust mom with sharp objects from now on, and get out while you still can.
Strategicgnomer
Good job outlasting their ignorance OP. Change of that magnitude takes a long time. I don't know if they've changed their outlook but at least they've come to terms with it and that's damn good progress. Well done!
HapilyDamaged
well shit....
astrofuzzics
Good for you for being true to yourself and for working to maintain a family connection that's important to you. That doesn't always work for everyone, for many reasons, but it worked for you and that must be really gratifying.
idiotsonfire
Yeah, lets praise people for staying connected to people that the OP states pretty damn clearly are still saying horrid shit.
astrofuzzics
OP says "things have gotten significantly better and now we talk regularly, there are hardly ever displeasantries and when they do occur they are mild and more do to personal things not anything related to being trans." Some people find it important to cut people off. Some find it important to maintain relationships. I am praising OP for working to achieve what is important to them.
Dizastrpiece
I'm glad you got to where you wanted to be with yourself. Sorry you didn't get all the love and support you deserved. Thanks for sharing and I hope you know there are always imgurians around to chat with if you ever need to vent/chat. Have a great weekend!
otomesound
Insulting you "more mildly" really isn't any more acceptable, I think, because it still exposes their bigotry. They've just accepted that being overtly shitty to you isn't going to get their way and settle for constant little reminders that they still resent you for doing what made you a happier person instead of what they wanted.
KalciBone
Do the same to her. Tell her she is too much of an asslicker to be a woman so you fixed it.
AnndyEdwards
If you're over 18, leave home and never look back. Fuck anyone who cuts your hair off. If you're under 18 - I'm so sorry you're going through this, you got this, it's only another few years, and you CAN make it. Hold tight, the end is coming. Take care of yourself. xxx
idiotsonfire
Oh don't worry, OP's just in some delusion that just because they haven't assaulted them lately, means that they're over it. They aren't.
ecnelisz
you're a bigger person than i could ever be. that being said this is why i'd approve of pride parades every month for the next 15 years, we are not aware as a society of people made to leave double lives, live in shame,fear,frustration plus dealing with everyday shit the rest of us do.
TheHuntedSnark
What a terrible thing to have gone through. Conditional love is a very evil thing.
Fostylake
I don't understand why they would treat you like a boy
idiotsonfire
They're bigots. They're literally fucking BRAINDEAD. They are so afraid of what they don't understand they think its a personal attack.
xedrik
I hope you have people in your life who affirm you and support you for who you really are. Have a hug from an Internet stranger, and shine on, you beautiful star! Sometimes, found family is the best family.
OctaviaMinor
My parents love and accept me now, it took a decade and I know I have the right to hate them for what they did. But how do we get better if we don’t break the cycle
MatrimBloodyCauthon
I am so damn proud of you for who you are :) not saying you were required to do that. But you're the type of person I look up to and try to emulate
DarthGoodguy
GrosseChung
From what I can tell, this is not a relationship worth maintaining. Live your life, and show your parents just how happy you can be when you’re living as who you are. Maybe at some point they’ll finally understand why you made the choice that you did.
OctaviaMinor
Man this whole post was supposed to be how time can heal wounds. How it’s not always out of hate but fear and miss understanding and that education and love can overcome it
BlueClockWorks
I think the reaction you’re getting stems from the post lacking any descriptions of meaningful efforts your family provided to earn your forgiveness or any demonstrations of regret or genuine sorrow. It reads as if you just eventually ‘let go’ of their abuses over time in order to maintain the social pressure of ‘having good family relations’ because you’re ‘supposed to,’ even if they don’t deserve it. Strikes the nerves of those who have seen loved ones minimize abuse, and these were *severe*.
OctaviaMinor
It’s just hard to talk about and I didn’t think this would to viral
turomar
Im glad you shared. My parents reacted similar, though far far less. Your story gives me hope that theyll come around eventually
Malibloo
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Always will be. Sorry you had to go through that absolute bullshit. Some people are fucking cruel, shame it's your folks.
DyersElite
I can’t fathom losing friends or family because of being trans. Imagine being so simple that someone flipping how /you/ identify /them/ enrages you to the point where there is no recourse other than hatred, disgust, or refusing to speak with them. Wild out here. Sorry you had to go through something like this!
DustyMcKnuckles
You are a far stronger person than I. Dont got no hair no mo, but I put a bunch of effort into have a nice, presentable beard. If someone came up and did a premeditated one-liner, snip-snip, I would definitely throw hands and cut ties. Kudos for not being an angry, impulsive shithead like me!
GaySocialistLiberalMuslimCommieAtheist
FYI, that's not being angry, impulsive, or a shithead. That retribution for assault.
DustyMcKnuckles
True. However I have worked very hard to not let anger drive me to violence anymore... im now in the "communication is key" camp. But shit like this, where one party fails the decoding part of comms and vehemently refuses to accept someone's decisions that have no effect on how that party lives their life, makes me see red...
bladderinfection
I would act like it’s an affliction that must be overcome, with their help of course. Milk them for every penny that their faith will let flow from their wallet.
idiotsonfire
No. They already psychologically tortured OP, AND PHYSICALLY ATTACKED THEM. Fucking with someone's hair like that is assault.
idiotsonfire
You do not throw yourself to the mercy of a psychotic religious zealot, it will get you killed.
TheHuntedSnark
It's not easy to cheat people who cheat. Also, it costs a lot of energy which might be used differently.
StarSumiaki
I'm genderqueer and long hair has been a euphoria point for me for ~16 years. I can't imagine the shock and pain of an involuntary haircut.
OctaviaMinor
It was awful, I hated it. But she knows what she did was wrong and she has apologized and it was hard to forgive them but I have and god damn is it hard to say that. But how do we break the cycle if we don’t raise above it
Lemon8r
I think you misspelled "Physical assault"
darkhalfbreed
I'm cismale and long hair was a euphoria point before genetics took them away. Long hair is great.
Adthay
shit I'm cisgender male and if someone cut my hair without my consent I'd be furious
StarSumiaki
I would be more than furious. If somebody cut my hair against my will, I honestly think I'd probably take blood as payment.
OctaviaMinor
It was really terrible
PrincessWasabi
It’s a violation and to come from your own mother is a betrayal nobody should endure
SJBSavageInk
Kinda sounds like you're doing all the compromising. It sucks not having a support system but Jesus... your parents are awful.
QuartzPoker
Cutting someone's hair without permission is assault
somnif
Battery technically. Assault is threatening, inciting fear, etc. Battery is actually carrying it out. (I'm sure they did plenty to fit both)
QuartzPoker
I did not know the difference, I'm sorry. Thank you!
somnif
I only know it because of a quiz show bit in Persona 5!
OctaviaMinor
They realized it’s wrong now but it took time and it was hard
WTFantastico
I hope relationships with these people work out for you, but based on the few things you've described, I would have fervently suggested cutting ties. Hell, just thinking about the kind of people who would behave this way, I probably still would suggest it now.
idiotsonfire
I'm gonna be hard pressed to take those odds that it'll work out after OP was already assaulted once.
CogYang
Time to burn the house down. "It's now natural, the way god built it" or some shit
ChaoticEnigma1121
I feel so incredibly lucky that I have my moms support.
meganical
I also have manipulative, self-centered parents and it is HARD at times to love them, despite all their imperfections. It’s okay to love them and want best for them but try not to lose what’s best for you in meeting their needs. Do not let them continue to cross your boundaries without consequences; it is HARD to stand up for ourselves but if we don’t, nobody else will
idiotsonfire
You aren't required to love someone that is continually harming you.
OctaviaMinor
They respect me entirely, it took a decade but this post was supposed to be how time and eduction can change things. It took a decade but we have a really good relationship now
idiotsonfire
No, sometimes education and time do NOT change people, it is insanely dangerous for you to have stayed there after you were assaulted once.
scifiwriterman
I am sorry they treated you that way. You can't pick your parents, you don't owe them anything. IF they mistreat you and refuse to accept you it's okay to leave them in the dust. My 14 year old asked me the other day "Dad if I told you 'Dad I'm gay' what would you do?" and I replied "Well, son, I'd just say 'Hi gay, I'm dad.'". My wife laughed and he was confused. We told him we don't care, we love all our kids for them and who they are, cis, trans, gay, it doesn't matter.
OctaviaMinor
Man it’s hard, but the point of this story was my parents realize they messed up, that they learned how to be better. I get I should have done a better job explaining it but it’s hard to talk about
Ksx20
I'm glad things have gotten better between you and your folks with time. I have friends with similar experiences where the parents never fully understand but eventually have more normal relationships with their kid. I see what you were trying to do with the post. I think it was missing a few things which led to the responses you got. I'd be happy to DM if you want some feedback. I think, the last part about the hair overshadowed the msg a bit too 🙂
OctaviaMinor
I suppose that would get to a lot of people but I kinda wanted to give an example of what it was I overcome to forgive them and move forward.
scifiwriterman
So from a dad, here's an internet hug. You follow who you are no matter what. That takes some serious courage. You have guts. You can get through this, and if you're old enough find your own path away from them. If they ask why, tell them flat out why. Be blunt and honest and if they start in on you again, just hang up or walk away.
OctaviaMinor
Man I could use fatherly advice but it’s cause I’m engaged and my fiancé and I want to have a family. And my dad likes him a lot! He thinks he’s amazing
scifiwriterman
That's great!
TheShogunMustGoOn
RazerFlash
The heartbreak i felt that the joke didnt land.
scifiwriterman
I know. What @OP is going through is unforgivable. Her parents should be better humans. My heart aches for them and I just want to reach out and give them a hug and tell them they're okay and will be okay. That they're tough and an amazing person.
OctaviaMinor
There is no such thing as unforgivable. And that’s hard for me to say. I don’t know if I can forgive the guy who R* me a few years ago but Ill try. but I know my parents came from a place of misplaced love and just wanted the best for me even if it was fucked but realized it was wrong.
Locopogo
These are no longer your parents. IMO, they've thrown that privilege out the window.
idiotsonfire
Turns out, a lot of parents had no fucking clue what they were doing when they had a kid and only some of them are even C+ level parents.
OctaviaMinor
No. They are. This whole post was about accepting people after they messed up and that people can grow. It was hard to talk about and I don’t want people to give up on each other
doctorwut02
You don't owe your abusers anything.
idiotsonfire
People must CHOOSE to change and grow. They don't just grow as a person, if they cut themselves off from all nutrients and lights.
idiotsonfire
Nothing grows in a cave that's suffocating, abusive, and YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR FUCKING ABUSERS A FUCKING THING. Get out. Get safe.
idiotsonfire
Change your name and phone number. Get a restraining order if they try to show up without your permission, and a gun if you live in the US.
idiotsonfire
And PRACTICE with it. Your mother assaulted you with scissors. What's the next thing she's gonna pick up?
Locopogo
You're a better person than me then. To me, that behaviour is unforgivable.
Huor
Walked Toronto Pride before covid with a "free dad hugs" t-shirt; all the takers were trans teens who had been kicked out by their so-called parents. Broke my hear and enraged me at the same time.
OctaviaMinor
Thankfully my sister took me in after my mom kicked me out
Huor
I'm glad you had her, I'm sorry your mother did that and as a father I'm fucking outraged that anyone does that to their own kids.
OctaviaMinor
Again a decade ago
syko2k
Cut your moms hair and see how she likes it.
SkynetWithAPoopKnife
It's honestly the only way I'd ever forgive someone who did that to me. Maybe I'm petty. Maybe it's Maybelline
Storytellerjack
Seriously. If she ever fell asleep within earshot, I'd be like, buzzzzzzzz.
Ekibwurm
like it was 19 45 and the allies rolled out of town.
happywalker
OctaviaMinor
Two wrongs do not make a right man. I know it’s a cliche but it only continues the cycle
AgentCatherine
You’re better than me, that would have been met with my fist in her face, parent or not, and the last time I’d ever see them.
TheWombatStrikesAgain
Do whar you think is best for you, but keep in mind forgiving and forgetting is not the only way to break the cycle. Cutting abusive people out of your life also works.
SindarElla
Yeah, she attacked OP's body with a sharp weapon. Sounds like assault to me. I'd be gone so fast.
StrangerRangerDanger
I think I'd pull a Brittany Spears. Take control, shave it all off in one go. (i buzzed my head like 7 years ago and it was a dumb controversy for my brother but he can mind his own business)
benreilly10
See I was gonna just say "this is so fucked up" but actually I'm with syko here
OctaviaMinor
This whole post was supposed to be about how time can heal things, I know I didn't do the best job explaining it but it's hard to talk about still to this day. I know I have the right to hate them for it, but holding on to hate doesn't solve anything it just makes things worse.
benreilly10
Well you're not wrong, and I definitely respect that. But I have to admit it's challenging -- I'm *not* trans and I've had an enormously difficult time showing my parents that much grace, and that goes double for my wife and her own parents. It just feels like if they're incapable of showing you the respect and dignity you deserve then they don't deserve you. But maybe things were different for you, maybe they finally learned and apologized. I really hope so. For those of us who never got 1/
benreilly10
that admission of wrongdoing, those old wounds just keep festering, and it's felt like the only way to get peace was just to cut those people out of our lives. But maybe it was better for you? Maybe you're truly just a bigger person than I am. I don't know, but I do genuinely hope it got better for you. Again, I can't imagine anything us cis folk went through was worse than that stuff you posted about.
Spootanany
That hair thing is so fucked up. I'm glad you've gotten to a better place with your parents, but they were seriously awful to you
mymustachecallstheshots
That hair thing would have been returned three fold. In fact, i would hold that grudge and probably continue to cut my moms hair to the scalp every chance i got until she apologized, im talking over years, decades, lifetime, i dont care. Ill be that huckleberry.
OctaviaMinor
Holding on to hate doesn't help anything, it just continues the cycle. I know it's cheesy but it's true.
mymustachecallstheshots
Nah, you right. Still tho, I'd want to...
AchDuLieber
If it were me, I would have given her a reverse mohawk with electric clippers while she was asleep. But I am petty & vindictive.
OctaviaMinor
Honestly you would feel great in the moment but would you feel better about it the next day knowing you stooped to the same level? I wouldn't. Revenge doesn't fix things it just makes everyone hurt.
Fuckimgurcunts
Yeah that's physical abuse. That's fight time.
CallsYouATosser
Would've decked my own mother for pulling that shit, family be damned. There comes a point where kids need to learn to get out on their own, and that coincides with when parents need to realize they don't own their kids like chattel.
dart223
That made me wince reading. How can someone do that.
OctaviaMinor
Ignorance mixed with misplaced belief, it took a lot but now she does support me (tho also denies it ever happened)
TheFakeCraigFerguson
Sounds like my mom. She was no where NEAR as awful as your parents, Jesus I almost cried reading what happened to you, but she still says and does things and if I ever brought any of it up (related to me being trans or not) it never happened. My mom is an angel in her own eyes.
Mandarinduckmama
Of course she does.
Mercurybird
I winced too. That was a HUGE deal there. In fact, I might have just cut her bangs down to the scalp to match. See how she likes that. Coming from someone that just had a shite haircut, (she cut the front way too short and now it sticks up from a cow lick), that’s going to take a while to grow out.
Ekibwurm
as a guy with long hair and parents who 'teased' how i was better with short hair... if my mom pulled some shit like this i'd have scalped her like it was 45 and the allies were done rolling thru the town.
dart223
I prefer men with long hair so I just inwardly cringed hard. That just seems so cruel.
Mercurybird
I too have a ‘thing’ for guys with long hair. Definite turn on when it’s cared for. And secretly envious when it looks prettier than mine!
MrRandom314159
Have a brother who prefers long hair. It's weird how the elders in the family have such a hard time just accepting he likes it that way.
Ekibwurm
mine gave me shit for having too short hair for ages ( they decided the length when i was a kid and kept at it, but it was my fault somehow) and then when i grew it out they kept telling me i was better with short hair. taught me to ignore them.
PrincessWasabi
That’s sneaky to distract with scratching her head. So cruel
mezzidriel
Literally assault by the legal definition, too.
OctaviaMinor
The bigger thing is I forgave them and moved forward
rareunicornmeat
Better person than me.
Spootanany
That's good on you. I am honestly glad you could
alaest0r
Forgiveness is for the forgiver and if that helps you then more power to ye. But it's also totally fine and healthy to acknowledge how fucking ridiculous that is. Just imagining this happening to a friend of mine; id be livid. I'm so sorry you experienced all that.
OctaviaMinor
Man I have an actual relationship with them now, my parents are excited for me and my fiancé and even more for us to have surrogate kids and family, If forgiving the people who hurt us was easy we would all do it. It’s never easy. But we can be better for it
Spootanany
Absolutely. You're an awesome person for that. I think a lot of the replies come from a place of concern too though. Keep kicking ass by being you
LoudBirb
That's *very* big of you. I don't think I could have ever forgiven that kind of casual cruelty. I'm big on physical love language, and that kind of betrayal would completely and irrevocably crush my ability to trust someone.
OctaviaMinor
It was hard. Fucking awful. But that’s how we grow and be better than the generations before us
lujotu
Respect.
LoudBirb
The more people with a greater capacity to forgive the world has, the better of a place it is to live in. You're not just making it better for future generations. You're just making it better period.
Krossis
That hair thing is assault plan and simple
nicholcm
Depending on where you are, it can be assault with a deadly weapon
Richter12x2
That's when you pack your bags, cut her hair while she's sleeping, and leave.
CaptainSpoonbeard
Ooh, yeah came back to upvote ya. This is my kind of petty arson!
OctaviaMinor
I know that seems tempting but one wrong doesn’t equal another… I know it’s cheesy but it happened to me and that’s how I feel.
skrimg59
+++
Richter12x2
I applaud that mindset, but when you're in it, sometimes the quick balm feels better than the long cure.
OctaviaMinor
It was and it took a long time but I forgave them and now we have a healthy relationship. She came from a good place of ignorance and it took a lot for her to changer her mind
skrimg59
you have a great take on everything, i really respect it
DrJSJ
Gotta tell you dude, that does not sound like it comes from a good place. Sounds like someone who does not have any respect for you, even beyond transphobia
OctaviaMinor
This is why I was so scared to talk about this, because they know they ducked up, and they have even said. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it above but it’s hard to talk about. But time can heal a lot of things and not to give up on the people you love.