GuyFleegmanAsSecurityChiefRocIngersol
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Bill fucking Murray
Mar 13, 2015 10:21 AM
GuyFleegmanAsSecurityChiefRocIngersol
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disenchantedgrl
I would be privileged if he puts his penis in my vagina.
Earbyte
In '99 I delivered pizza to him on Sullivans Island. It was $20, he opens the door, handed me two $100, and told me no one will believe me.
MelSchroe398
Thank you Jules Breton!
blowmadong
+1 for Zombieland
kraziekandy
"Any regrets?" - "......Garfield..."
rjmarshall137
SaxOphone..
AMAZINGPIANOMAN
+1 for awareness
rjmarshall137
I'm a sax player haha
pullingsaiyantails
I love Bill Murray, but I feel like he is either the most self-actualized human being ever born, or has an undiagnosed personality disorder
Grubdon5000
Bill Murray once crashed my friend's bookstore's poetry slam in Phoenix.
cameroncar1
Some say he once served tequila shots at a bar, and that he crashes parties in New York. All we know is he's called Bill Murray
takchan
I hope to one day be the old lady version of Bill Murray.
AnalBeard
These very well may be true, but I'm not believing shit with Ultrafacts.Tumblr as the source.
Iwishthewordmongwasallowed
I just... I... Can he be my dad or my boyfriend or my mom even I just need him somewhere in my life
sirdouchealot
Always up vote bill Murray
HoratioPostlethwaite
Am I the only person who thinks he does this stuff because he is actually really lonely?
Vegardina
These Bill Murray facts are 10,000 x better than the Chuck Norris facts from days of yore.
IamAreyou
What sucks is Chuck Norris facts are fake! Plus he is a asshole!
Fixter
Why do i have a hard time believing some of these posts?
Bardoctor
Freaking Bill Murray and his tequila shots, barely even made it in the cab.
Thesmithlord
The bar was called Shangrila @ SXSW off of 6th in Austin. Was a pretty cool time.
Robvp
At least there was sax music in the cab
Shoemaker
I knew one of the bartenders at that bar (Shangri La). He told me later what happened and I did not believe him. I'm a dumb.
ambiguoussmash
Not gonna lie, I'd be pissed. Even if it was from Bill Murray, I hate tequila.
CommanderWilliamTRiker
Bill Murray walked into my church in Boston and baptized my cousin. But no one will believe me :(
maythe4thbewithyou
"Pics or it didnt happened" -everyone.
TyrionXavier
I believe
ch4rred
I can fly
TyrionXavier
I believe
SamuraiBatgirl
I can touch the sky
TyrionXavier
I think about it every night and day
youhavemail
I want to belive
shortbusgangster
Buhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh ding ding ding ding dingggg. X-files? No? Okay.
sexwithsatan
didn't his wife file divorce for infidelity, drug abuse, and domestic violence?
UWBadgers
I worked at Starbucks during my undergrad and he signed a napkin for me - it read "Bill Murray, OK!"
BitchImCanadian
I read all of these stories in the same tone as this: http://imoviequotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/13.gif
DrLeonardChurch
I read them all in The Most Interesting Man in the World's voice
absolutepancake
He wore cargo pants and flip flops so I bought cargo pants and flip flops
DoorToDoorWikipediaSalesman
Funny, I read them more in the tone of this:
ChalkTodayUpAsALoss
yes
importvita
What's that from?
claviceps
Mean Girls
importvita
I really should watch that movie. *turns on Netflix*
BitchImCanadian
Mean girls. Talking about Regina George
aeronode
Bill Murray was divorced by his wife, who said he was a "drug-addicted spousal abuser and serial adulterer who has abandoned his family."
aeronode
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/bill-murray-accused-drug-spouse-abuse
Rayxor
But no one would believe her.
IAmFrysCompleteLackOfSurety
I'm starting to think that Bill Murray has lived his whole live several times with the same memories, a la Groundhog Day...
SwedishPrincess
Watching that movie for my AP English class right now!
cvnk
Ok, while one of my personal favorites (seriously, top 5 all time) I don't get why it would be taught in an English class.
SwedishPrincess
It has to do with the Myth of Sisyphus and how we deal with defeat/success (:
logant
They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and then just release the same movie to theaters.
TheWonderfulMisterNoob
Let me just copyright that for you *COUGH*for me*COUGH*.
logant
I heard it somewhere else.
Icantevenphteven
Bill Murray seems like a lonely guy. His behaviour is a bit concerning.
sidfromtoystory
i think he's just eccentric and weird. some people just enjoy doing weird things like that i guess
WhoIsTheDodie
Does he have family? He's always alone in these stories
calebk
I would give my left leg (taken at the knee) to spend a day traveling around a city with Bill Murray doing Bill Murray things.
babiestastebest
Hopping around, of course
calebk
I was thinking the leg could be taken after said day since I'd have to spend time in the hospital recovering from the surgery.
katiokins
Specifying the cut off point is important.
calebk
Very much so!
calebk
I should point out that I'm a paraplegic, so it's really not a huge loss.
HappyMadison
Please be more specific
Whitney189r
Above or below the knee? That's a huge factor.
The22ndDoctor
We could always slice the kneecap in half.
calebk
I'm thinking below the knee.
mnovak52
"Let's go cycling" -Bill Murray
QuiGonRum
Whilst flamboyantly dressed"
Sauroctonus
"Flamboyant" implies expensive, frilly shirts to me. Bill Murray's more the Caribbean holiday clothes in winter type. :P
QuiGonRum
In flamboyant clothing
[deleted]
[deleted]
calebk
I think maybe a weekend with him would be a good price to get the whole leg.
IAmTheLargeMountainJew
I'm gonna need, THAT GUY'S EYE!
EasyUpVote
That's oddly specific.
SeanuReeves
taken above the knee implies that it would be cut off at the hip and that's just...nope
importvita
That username... ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o)
SeanuReeves
:D do you know what it's from or does it just seem ridiculous?
importvita
It seems ridiculous but I would love a reference or source if you have one!
prototype01
Hey, they could take it mid thigh. That would be the best option because then you'd have a bionic knee. I think about this often... :(
SeanuReeves
oooh interesting. yes, I see you have given this much thought ;)
tiger68
When I was 13, I kinda fell in love with Bill Murray when I saw him in Stripes way back in '81. Thirty-five years is one long-ass crush.
AreYouPharrellRightNow
I don't think you can measure an ass by years
PenisOfDeath
My ass has been with me for about 30 years now, I'm attached to the little guy.
barbwirelove
25 years here, and i'm a dude
StealTow
Bill Murray kicked me in the nuts after he ran into the back of my car. As i'm on the ground in pain he whispered "nobody will believe you"
MichealMeyer
If I was Bill Murray this is PRECISELY the kind of thing that I would do! Also, I don't believe you.
StealTow
it really happened
tangel211
I don't believe you
everythingmovesreallyslowwhenits40below
http://imgur.com/KBf375B
IHaveThePerfectPuzzleForYou
60% of the time, it's true every time.
SeanuReeves
Bill Murray is probably the only person in the world who can just randomly kick people in the nuts and they will be happy for it
StealTow
I got kicked in the nuts and put in jail because the cops thought I was drunk. 10/10 would do again
SeanuReeves
like...you were in so much pain from the nut-kick they thought you were drunk? fuck that had to hurt!
StealTow
No, they thought I was drunk because I told them Bill Murray did it.
SeanuReeves
ah, of course. duh. didn't look at username. saw this in my replies and thought it was random
babbzilla
I wish I could get some advice from Bill Murray. I'm not doing to well at this exact moment...
SushiFlavoredChapstick
me too
CakeandCookies
Keep positive and believe in yourself
babbzilla
Thanks.
AdmJota
I choose to believe that all of these things are simultaneously true and untrue in a deep and metaphysically significant way.
LiterallyYourMom
Schroedinger's Bill.
youwerefantasticandyouknowwhatsowasi
That is what Bill Murray wants.
Pandaphant
Bill Murray once saved an entire gaggle of kittens from a snow storm. He raised them from the milk from his own breast. Probably.
boppitybop
Drake is the black Bill Murray
Goddamnitbillfuckinmurray
Feeding time really hurt for me
AutoTomato
100% the stig is bill murray
drdavessardogs
I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
Goddamnitbillfuckinmurray
That actually happened
sza34
Can you even milk a cat, I mean they have teets?
Caffinator
How is this not one of the top site comments?
ObjectiveTwelve
+1 for "gaggle of kittens"
MillerLitesaber
I love how he's basically turned into a modern day folk hero. I never know what story is real or legend.
JokeDestroyer
All the stories are true, especially the ones that aren't.
supraman13
Because its bill Murray I'd believe it
thatmangodude
No one will believe you
zombiesphere
That's the first time I've seen the word "gaggle" used. . Bravo
IAmAMammal
Can confirm; was one of the kittens.
Pandaphant
MITTENS IS THAT YOU?
IAmAMammal
Naw, dude, it's Ginger. Who's this??
Pandaphant
GINGER! It's Socks! Long time no see! I uh... saw you had a Christmas party... Mittens said it was great... must have lost my invite.
IAmAMammal
The christmas invite was through facebook! I don't have you on FB. I heard you moved to LA or something?
Denamic
I have decided to believe this
Teelitisti
I read that as "gaggle of children". Hm.
SarahFinee
Bill murray, the new Chuck Norris...
WhatzitTooya
I like that.
JPBStory
But instead of macho things it's just nice and slightly odd things.
FuckThisThingInParticular
And instead of being a homophobic geezer he's being an actually awesome geezer.
TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsTheBabyAteMyDingo
No!! Bill is so much better!
helpusdrzaius
No, chuck Norris is the old bill Murray.
Celtics4251
I was looking for this comment... New I couldn't have been the first to think of it
AnaesthetizedCephalopod
ThirdCoastPauly
Left border made it look like a spiral bound notebook. +1
badwolfandtheoncomingstorm
That's so perfect I could give up right this minute.
jeffyd23
See THAT'S what you're supposed to say when someone asks you if you're a god
kirkfollower24
Yep, he remembered that when he made this film.
Goddamnitbillfuckinmurray
Why yes I am
FluffyFrank
It's true and here's proof
0xFFF1
Minkly1
EngageWithZorp
I immediately regret clicking that link.
Burntoutwaiter
What she/he said
JadeNB1729
My service to the world: NSFW (except for the people who click *because* of NSFW, in which case you were asking for it).
HotMagentaDuckFace
Why? Why did I click that link...
Jonessey
thefatgamer
When I saw your link I really wished that he was showing off his breast here
LucifurMacomb
boobert
Yea Bill Murry discipline that kitten
malloryarcher
That's a nice fucking kitty
aselfdefeatingattitude
I've heard about this... cat juggling!
ArchMagos
aselfdefeatingattitude
I know it's not a Murray film but I believe him and Steve Martin are essentially the same people.
TheHeroOfCantonTheManTheyCallJayne
Hairless pets... weird.
Sasssquatch
Just a friendly cat owner letting you know that's considered an oriental shorthair, of show quality at that!
RedroverRedrover
He's quoting this scene, guys! No need for downvotes! :)
lovesholly
Just FYI a group of kittens is called a kindle. Geese form a gaggle.
Luxvero
and the collective of what is google ? it has to be, perhaps an animal from the Amazon
ButMetal
hashtag I see what you did there
Luxvero
WHAT ARE YOU DRIBBLING ON ABOUT YOU TWITTER?
ButMetal
I like you, we should go on a Safari together!
brethamus
I bet you're fun at parties
muwahahaha
you're on imgur in case you were unaware
Maraak
Maybe the kittens were raised by geese?
TheStaleBread
Are you calling Bill Murray a goose?
Maraak
Bill Murray can be what he WANTS! Don't be judgemental.
badwolfandtheoncomingstorm
judgmental* I'm sorry.
GeeBrainWhatDoYouWantToDoTonight
tonyabottsbudgie
The suicide one is actually really concerning.
Wibblywobblytime
Yeah he was driving then saw a painting? I often see paintings while driving. LOL very concerning, I think it's a LIE!
bingotown
I remember the driving off the cliff suicide and the toaster in the bathtub one but not the drowning in the lake. Glad that one didn't stick
FirstDraftFinalDraft
I feel that explains everything else though...
poopfayce
Likewise.
railgap
Yeah, enough dead comedians already. :( It bugs me that depression seems almost endemic to the breed.
DavidCisme
Here's a really good article on why http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/
PussyGlitterMagic
But I hope that it's true. ONLY because it shows how important art is to the human spirit.
dangermint
You don't want to be there when the laughter stops.
ramkanwar55
I don't think I'd be able to handle Bill Murray passing away or suiciding
batman89
I think its ok cuz he's god. He's beed stab, electrocuted, burned, been in a car crash, etc.
VerboseDood61
Are there stats on how many people consider suicide and don't follow it through? We've all been in dark places and can bounce back!
ZeroKey92
I was in that dark place for 4 years. Never had the balls to do it. Figured out this depression thing was stupid. Now I'm fucking awesome.
TacoPuncher
I was in a dark place once, turns out I just forgot to pay the electric bill
Agent
I was I a dark place once, but then I booked a flight out of Detroit.
ArmChairCommentator
I'm flying to Detroit now :(
importvita
Bring a flashlight! (and a gun)
kuumamusti
Based on the source from @Natalan, ~10% of those with suicidal ideation in the US in the prior year also made a suicide attempt. (1/2)
kuumamusti
However, only ~4% of those attempts ended in death. So you could say that ~99.6% did not follow through from suicidal ideation to death.
Natalan
3.7% of the US pop has had suicidal ideation. 1% of those plan out their suicide. .5% of those attempt suicide. (1/2)
Natalan
Source: http://www.emorycaresforyou.emory.edu/resources/suicidestatistics.html (2/2)
ifinallyfeelathome
I'm willing to bet that stat is highly underreported
Natalan
Yeah, it has to be.
Flyndaran
Aren't all embarrassing facts?
ImaBearEtCetera
Any mental health professional will tell you, there's a BIG difference between considering it and actually having a plan
Flyndaran
Not the one I saw when I was 11. Dipshit wanted to institutionalize me. My family called him a "dumbass" and found a better one.
ramkanwar55
I got to the planning phase, i tend to lapse in and out, depending on how shitty I feel
[deleted]
[deleted]
OtherErinFromTheOffice
Message me, guys.
geriatricsanatore
Suicidal ideation
ImaBearEtCetera
^Yup, someone else knows the lingo. It's one of the most important distinctions to make in a psych examination.
SihayaOfTheAllPowerfulMeh
There's a very fine line between genius and mental illness.
Flyndaran
No there fucking isn't. That's a Hollywood myth. Mental illness can hit anyone, regardless.
GregoryHouseMD
I believe he was trying to say geniuses tend to be depressed, not depressed people have to be geniuses. My own personal interpretation.
Habbala
A fine line? They even seem to often be dependant on the other, like Rain man, Van Gogh or Hemingway.
BlueShwagger
Why is it that so many great comedians are consumed by depression? I've always wondered this.
alpahdips
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ael2ojGGUok That's why, you're not allowed to be emotional, your the person people to look to for joy
NotAPervert
It's a way of compensating for having depression, bringing the joy you lack to those around you. Cheers you up to cheer them.
IsuggestThisUnrelatedvideo
"but doctor i am pagliacci"
CommanderSheperd
Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.
iwantashortnameforonceohshit
There's also a lot of evidence supporting that the smartest people are generally unhappy, and good comedians are very smart
suomynonA
Speaking of, the painting in that picture next to him isn't the one that saved him. It was this one:
anarchivist
Wow, thank you!
clues1
I can see why. It's incredible.
suomynonA
I read an article about it, and he said something about the sunrise in the painting, and that every day is a chance to start over
clues1
That just made it even better for me. Thank you
Leoxcr
This is the only person on earth I actually want to be immortal.
crazy112
What, wife beater Bill Murray?
Berethian
Terry Pratchett :(
Elroydb
Can we add John Cleese to that list as well?
swimbikerunrepeatswimbikerunrepeatswimbiwhatwasidoing
Hells yes!
LokiKingOfJotunheim
Keanu Reeves is an extremely humble and nice guy. Also, he is probably immortal already.
Ruqayya
I said the same thing about Terry Pratchett .... RIP Pterry
veelafleur
Robin Williams.....
cancerriddenlung
@Leoxcr 's Mom: "Fuck you too Leoxcr. Fuck you too."
SeriousBlack
Oh really? OH REALLY? Two words: "Jim Carrey."
TheBasementNerd
And Morgan Freeman
SingleNiceFedoraWearingClassyGuycautiondonotfriendzone
If he actually is depressed and suicudal, forcing him to love may be a punishment, not a favor.
Pumpkinbot
But then Colorado had to be a FUCKING DICK about it. :C
Agent
And Robin Williams.
DTJames
Too late for him :(
ButIDidntDieThoughItWasAJoke
I don't think it's really clicked yet for me that he's dead.
AquaLeaderArchie
I miss that guy so much, and then when I watched good morning Vietnam... It just got worse
femalegarthfromwaynesworld
I feel he might not think the same way...but I do wish this as well OnO
AnybodyOutThere
But then you'll deny him his total consciousness when he dies!
TheBasementNerd
And Morgan Freeman
CarlSaganPlsComeBack
And Ian McKellen
piscesdreamer
Morgan Freeman is the earthly body of God. He's already immortal. Everyone knows this.
FubukiAmagi
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/550/771/7ac.jpg
AwesomeGuy847
But Morgan Freeman is God. They even made a Documentary about the one time he took a holiday and Jim Carrey was left in charge of the world.
AwesomeGuy847
p.s. It did not go well
queenbhole
I think the world will end when he dies.
InfinitusEquitas
No, but it will get a little bit darker.
NeoHelios
Uhm.... DaVinci?? Hellooo! Ghandi, Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, Tesla, Joan of Arc.... Come on people, IMMORTALITY! Think bigger:)
Leoxcr
They are all dead already.
NeoHelios
ahh, I thought "immortality in general" not "still alive" :)
Leoxcr
Except... Ghandi.
ArdentSlacker
It would explain a lot of the rest though. Depressed, not giving a shit... wandering around randomly messing with people... cry for help?
lraskie
I wouldn't consider what he's doing messing with people, I think it makes those people happy which probably makes him happy too...
lockwoodx
It's why I wander around the net, randomly crashing people's forums and games to meet new people and have a great time. :)
samb0ne
Dammit. We have to do something. We can't lose him too!
CaptainObvious313
According to a Huffington Post article it was earlier in his career
Ardencroft
i saw this interview, the whole painting thing happened when he was really young.
tonyabottsbudgie
That's what I was thinking, it made me really sad.
TheseArentMyGlasses
I don't see it as a cry for help but more of an attempt to get the most out of every day. For me, if I don't make myself happy, I end up (1)
TheseArentMyGlasses
(1) spiraling down a hole that can lead to suicidal ideations. Being the Bill Murrayest he can be is probably keeping that man alive. (2)
TheseArentMyGlasses
(2) My dad, who's also had a history with depression and suicidal thoughts, once said to me that those of us whose lot it is to question (3)
TheseArentMyGlasses
(3) our lives daily have a great gift: every single day, we choose to keep going, to live. Bill Murray is just choosing life, I think.
OverRedundant
Once one is done living for yourself, you can die, or decide to live for others. Sounds like he's decided to give everyone else a good time
sidfromtoystory
doesn't make me feel sad though. seems like he's lived a cool, interesting life and he's just looking for new weird avenues to explore
ItsOkayItsOfficial
My thought after I read the suicide one: "Yup, these are actions of a very manic person"
GregoryHouseMD
I don't mean to state the obvious, but look at Robin Williams. Prime example.
ItsOkayItsOfficial
For def, but while Robin's personality was very openly manic Bill's seems dour, even secretive, making dangerous highs & lows hard to see :(
YouWereMythTaken
It's interesting how few people pick up on things like that, but once you experience it, it's everywhere
crazy112
Or your too much of a pussy to kill yourself so you find romanticised excuse. Lol. Was he going through an art gallery had he was noosing?
TownsendV228
I pray to fucking God you are trolling right now.
inhocsignovinces
Are you serious right now?
TooTiredForAName
Or perhaps the actions of someone who realised that life is worth livinf?
GregoryHouseMD
This is the thought process of someone who has never been depressed.
TooTiredForAName
Considering I'm battling severe depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety as we speak, I'll just give you an almighty fuck off for assuming.
ItsOkayItsOfficial
Extreme gap between "I think it's worth it to wake up tomorrow" and "I feel like jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from poetry slam to party"
TooTiredForAName
His actions speak to me more of a person who has realised they can life however the fuck they want.
HogwartsToiletSeat
+1 for "nimbly bimbly".