ThisTimeLastYear
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Not being able to talk to friends of the opposite sex is a massive red flag.
Credit : blobbynfriends
(originally posted by @DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2 on 2023-11-04 23:49:10)
Ajupitersoft
Oh. I think I was in an abusive relationship huh
ErniesWidow
"Men Don't Tell" is a pretty good made-for-TV movie. It's a little dates (made in 1993), but attempted to bring a real problem to the public. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107553/
AnOceanOfStars
One of my exes seemed a quiet nice girl, but did all she could to make me look like a monster just for talking with female friends who were my friends since before I even met her. To the point that I thought it was all a joke, because it went truly beyond anything rationally acceptable. But no, she was just extremely toxic, and when I got angry because the thing had gone too far, she wanted to shame me even for getting angry and not treating her properly (which amounted to calling her toxic).
SomethingNiceAndSimple
My brother is going through something just like this. I've tried and tried to convince him to leave her, but he won't. All I can do is remind him it's wrong, and hope against hope he'll leaves her soon
Izdleve
My husband told me a "funny" story involving his ex. He was shocked by my horrified expression and genuine concern for his well-being. Anytime he told the story before it had been met with laughter and sexual jokes. He had convinced himself his trauma wasn't real because no one else saw it that way. My point is just be horrified. Take it as seriously as it deserves even when no one else will. It may take awhile, but it'll add up. Only he can save himself, but your support will go a long way.
SomethingNiceAndSimple
I'm so sorry to hear that about your husband. I hope he's doing well and recovering. Abuse is abuse no matter the gender or sex. Thank you for that last part too. I sometimes worry I should be doing more. Reminders that just being there to support him helps a lot
Mycologics
Luckily, I was never abused by an ex-girlfriend. But i have experienced the judgement. When I was about 23 I broke up and wanted to get assistance to get better with my finances I had already built up a bit of debt because of no impulse control. (It wasn't too bad but bad enough) and was willing to work on it. But every time I went to any place that offered assistance and a woman was the contact, they didn't help me really and made me feel ashamed of the bad choices and one said i probably
Mycologics
Deserved it. And they didn't even know why we broke up. They never asked. (We broke up because we had just had our first child, which was unplanned. She was 20 and I was 23 and we bought a house and all these adult things. While we were still kids ourselves, really. I had undiagnosed ADHD and she had a lot of traumas from her childhood. When she broke up with me we talked it out and we made good arrangements to be great parents, even when we were no longer together)
Mycologics
And we did! The first year was pretty hard emotionally, but we never really fought or actively made each other's lives harder. In fact, after 6 years, we both had become good friends who grew up a little more. Got better at communicating, and eventually, we got back together.
I know that isn't really all relevant to the point I was trying to make. But I wanted to end in a happier note
Deshalope
I'm happy for you! It's nice (and kind of rare) to read stories that work out in the end.
Mycologics
Thanks! Yeah I figured. Also I needed to see something positive today and I love our story
freakshow314
My unpopular opinion is I believe in gender equality- there's very few situations I believe physical violence is justified but in those situations gender doesn't matter. If a man doing something towards me would elicit a violent response then a woman doing that same thing will elicit the same response.
Oneofthemdaftpunks
Self preservation & abuse are very different
Tomigami
I remember coming home from work one day to my stay-at-home then-wife. She asked why I looked so tired, I said I hadn't had a chance to eat lunch because of meetings. She put her hand on my cheek, a rare moment of tenderness, before slapping me HARD with the other - it wasn't tenderness, it was for stability. "I can't take care of you every hour of the day, you have to do it yourself!" 1/2
Tomigami
She then closed herself in her office because I was "being such a baby" for staring at her in shock and letting tears come out. She later tried to convince me she "didn't hit me that hard" and I was making a big deal about it because I wouldn't talk to her.
Xenarion
Also worth mentioning that even without the slap, this is still abuse.
SechalKhachan
Not what I was informed by my parents
Mec26
Parents can be wrong. Sometimes you gotta update the knowledge base yourself.
UselessCommenting
As a man I tell you: No one cares - so if you get one of those - RUN. Plenty good women out there. She's definitely the wrong.
Won't even stop with you. Will be violent to own kids, etc.
Be smart in the first..
rooik14
Since some dickhead was saying "abuse is 50:50" meaning that there is a sharing of responsibility for the situation between abuser and victim, here's a reality check for that https://www.thehotline.org/resources/mutual-abuse-its-not-real/
DisgruntledFerret
I know it's an easy excuse to lie about and victim blame, but sometimes both people DO do completely unacceptable things even in context.
AimingForAdorkable
Thank you!!!
Nughiem
I let someone live with me for a time who had this experience. Thought Id show them a gentle world. Offer a safe space. I got all this and every projection they could fathom in the world. I held on for almost a year and a half, out of love. For fear of danger I had to kick them out (23 yrs down the drain). I hope they are living the life they want.
thatwoodguy
Happened to me, she drove home drunk at 2am, after getting let off of a DUI the week before because the cop felt sorry for her being disabled and needed to drive. Argued, I turned my back on her, and turned in time to block the knife with my arm and took the stab wounds there. RCMP at the hospital laughed at me over it saying I probably did something to deserve it. Had nurse there gave me a hand and drove me back to get my stuff and went to a coffee shop to wait until the bus station opened.
thatwoodguy
She called me at mom's place numerous times and my mom said on the phone to her if you come around here again I'll take a knife to you. A couple years ago she tried to get a job to work with disadvantaged children and I got a copy of the police report and sent it to them and she didn't get hired. She wondered on Facebook who done that to her, and a friend of her told her you know what you did.
anirri
The fact that ppl see men being hit and think "they probably deserve it" is wrong on so many levels. It's also part of the "suck it up" mentality. I got knocked out by my 2nd ex gf (frying pan to the back of my head) and Drs tried to say I did it to my self. Sadly for them I was in view of one of my cameras so yea.
Puppycow
Man she hit him HARD, dude's seeing a talking blob fish. Good advice tho.
Falkh12
have some respect, that's his fairy godmother!
PotatoPirateTheThird
whoa i'm seeing it too
Puppycow
Is the talking fish in the room with us right now?
JustAnotherVictimOfAmbientMorality
Also, if a blobfish looks like that, it's dead. He's seeing a dead blobfish.
squillis
Zom-blob
Suomijuusto89
It's reaper of blobfish
DartTarget13
An advice giver the blobfish
sirwolfyy
Technically, I think, it’s just a difference in pressure (atmospheric being much less than the ocean depths), but it would still be dead out of water I guess lol
Puppycow
Yeah but it talks in air, which implies an evolutionary adaptation to this pressure
MrAcurite
If the pressure differential is enough for your insides to become your outsides, you're still dead
JustAnotherVictimOfAmbientMorality
It's a bit like a space-dwelling alien calling humans "purple puffheads"
JustAnotherVictimOfAmbientMorality
(this kills the fish)
StellarJay77
This red flag is usually from someone who has cheated in the past themselves or is currently cheating. They imagine the signs because it's what they see in themselves.
Oneofthemdaftpunks
The red flag is this level of insecurity. Imagine threatening to delete all their female / male friends! What a dangerous cry baby
StellarJay77
That's what I'm saying, the woman is likely a cheater in the past or currently, that's why she is so insecure about her partner talking to other women.
Rink257
It's really bad when your new bf and all his friends think you are cheating on him because you don't hound him and pull that control shi...stuff. like they are so used to it, they think you don't care when you are not like "the rest" appearently.
Like, wtf? Why is the var that low? Can't we just respect each other?
Someshithead241
There isn't many places for men to go to deal with it
NotACanadian
And the places that are most easily accessible -- i.e. the Internet -- and offer understanding, are more often than not MGTOW/incel-type manosphere areas that exploit that pain, encourage it, and transform it into self-serving bitter hatred.
thedudeman519
You're absolutely right. I remember the first time I got out of an abusive relationship . I found a place I thought was for support. "A voice for men" it was called, a blog / forum meant to support men. It was nice for maybe a month. But quickly tuned into a woman hating circle jerk.
NotACanadian
It's easy for these things to happen even when the intentions are noble, though many still don't start out that way. Get a bunch of bitter, pained people with otherwise no direction, sooner or later they start feeding off of each other's pain as a cheap and easy way to commiserate.
thedudeman519
Posts like these usually turn out that way as well though this one doesn't seems as bad, thankfully. Plenty of trojan horse posts about men's issues immediately devolve into "I should be able to hit women too!" and crap like that it's so disheartening.
NotACanadian
I think it's helped by the fact that we're on Imgur. Still far from perfect because there's such a huge Nice Guy vibe in here much of the time, but could be worse.
There was also a guy on here promoting a service that seemed to genuinely offer support to male issues while condemning the usual path these places take. Can't think of his name
Someshithead241
Here is an example of why men have little to no space, because people constantly try to use it against us, claim it's something else like "incel" and destroy the space.
There was a shelter opened up for men, the owner was driven to suicide by this type of harassment.
shardix
"people constantly try to use it against us, claim it's something else like "incel" and destroy the space."
By the time anyone is saying that, the space has been a woman-hating shithole for a while. I've seen it happen innumerable times over the last half century and that is only speaking about online spaces. You want a safe space for men, you have to put in the effort to *keep* it safe.
Someshithead241
Did you just ignore the example I gave of when people attacked someone, saying that exact thing, when it wasn't?
fastjeff
It goes on for years, you do not have to be a part of it. You can be free. These days there are supports for you to be safe and break away. You just need to reach out. Don't think you're doing it alone, seek help. You can be safe, you can be happy again.
oprahslovechild
I’m a mother that has raised my boys to understand am that personal space is sacred. I have raised them to be feminists as I am and all of my family are. The ability to stand up to abuse no matter the gender is what a feminist deserves.
DaisyfromDownunder
Given the worldwide stats of clergy child abuse, being sacred is the opposite of what kids need to be.
Oneofthemdaftpunks
It's what everyone deserves. Abuse is never okay, especially not within the parameters of intimate relationships.
DaisyfromDownunder
DV is a 50:50 equation.
Mikeiller
Wow. I didn't think I'd actually ever encounter anyone trying to make "Why you'd make me hurt you, baby?" feel like a legitimate statement.
Ceomin
Yeah, it's 50% the abuser's fault, and 50% the abuser's fault again. What the hell are you on about?
Mec26
No, it is on the abuser.
enduretikki
If someone has convinced you of this, please evaluate if you're ok, or if making an escape plan should apply to you. You don't have to live this way.
RayneOfSalt
No, it is not.
DaisyfromDownunder
Yes it is. The data shows that clearly.
RayneOfSalt
The fuck it does. Every single bit of DV data shows that men are the biggest perpetrators of DV, even the stuff done by redpill chuds like Peter Dutton and Matt Walsh.
DaisyfromDownunder
Proclaim your ignorance to the world. Fool.
TheFuckYounicorn
Do you mean it's a 50/50 split that the abuser is a woman or men or that DV is the fault of both party?
DisgruntledFerret
It's important to remember that recognizing the equality of women also means recognizing that they are capable of evil. Take them seriously.
TheMicKing
This is why I think it's so crazy that reddit/imgur always seems to give Melania Trump a pass. "She's disgusted by him"/"She's just getting that bag". No, she's a Nazi sympathizer and fascist apologist.
eeps
Agreed. And part of being a feminist is women calling each other out on this sort of behavior.
johnvictor
As well advocating more mental health support for men that goes unnoticed or unrecognized in society. Such as spousal abuse, sexual assault, rape, etc.
bekindtoanimals
Absolutely
ArkoneAxon
The post is by "ThisTimeLastYear." The top comment is by "CommentsThisTimeLastYear."
That's actually rather disturbing...
srsfaceI8C
They are Imgur bots, like, as it created by the company. Posts once a day the top post of last year on the same day, or at least one of the top posts.
I'm surprised this is your first time encountering it.
ArkoneAxon
I've seen "ThisTimeLastYear" before. Never saw "CommentsThisTimeLastYear" before. It's still very, very disturbing. "Dead internet theory" disturbing. Or at the very least, "the curtain fell down and we're getting a glimpse at the manipulations going on behind the scenes" disturbing.
Nikolai5
Not to mention the bot kindly tags the original author, though I do wonder if it's designed to ignore itself, as time progresses, the top post on a particular day could be by this bot.
55555
Remember when ThisTimeLastYear and RepostStatistics would end up "fighting"?
Nikolai5
Ah yeah, good times.
Lulabel73
My best friend, he was arrested never questioned by police spent 6 months in jail trying to get bail, she kept changing her statements and would not show up to court. He took a deal because it was going to be 2 more years and another $100k to get it to trial. If you’re ever in a relationship and you are threatened with “I’m going to call the police” leave immediately. He was arrested to the day after tough new laws for DV came in (Australia)
AimingForAdorkable
On the USA flip side:
I have called police multiple times on my emotionally physically abusive as shit ex bf, and they wouldn't believe me.
😭
Cuz cops here 1) cannot be bothered to do their jobs and 2) 50%+ of them also abuse their gf/wives/partners, so they protect their fellow abusers.
Lulabel73
That’s awful, I hope you are in a safe place now.
CarlBassett
Yep, so many people refuse to accept that women can abuse male partners. There is a book praised on Reddit a lot called "Why Does He Do That?". The author, a man, talks about women being abused by men. That's it. He dismisses and openly mocks the suggestion that a man could possibly be abused by a woman. He even talks about abuse in same sex relationships where "you can't tell by looking" who the abuser is, meaning you can't say "he's the man so he's clearly the abuser".
Lulabel73
Before his arrest he opened up to me and told me she had been hitting him and verbally abusing him. He’s a big strong guy so you know how it goes. I’m all for tough laws against abuses but there needs to be somewhat of an investigation.
CarlBassett
Yeah, if there was a DV call and cops arrive I can imagine who they'd put the cuffs on....
AtmaDarkwolf
God damn, ok so while I do not disagree with the end of your statement, it just boils and bothers me that one could be on the right side and still have to face THAT shit. Like maybe there is far too much money being earned with legal shit when there should NOT be. The guilty should pay their due and the innocent should be free. End stop. The above just sounds like that poor guy was simply 'trapped' in the system for the cash they could pull from it. Nothing else.
Lulabel73
Which statement do you disagree with?
The police are not the ones earning the money, he was using lawyers for two years gathering evidence so it adds up.
AtmaDarkwolf
I disagree with the fact that many times (esp in cases involving martial status or common law) it is held up (even with overwhelming evidence favoring one or the other side) in court for ungodly amounts of time, seemingly only to keep it in court and keep lawyers being paid. Also disagree with in the end, most times, someone has to cave and just say 'I plead guilty' for threat of 'much jailings/much fees' if they don't.
bobCartoonPrince
In Australia? This did not happen.
melovinci
I agree in the sense this seems like an odd sequence of events (and cost) for Australia. How did he end up in jail just from police questioning? Why is it 2 years and $100k? What else is going on here?
Lulabel73
He didn’t get questioned by police, getting bail was a difficult process, it took 2 years to get a trail date (I don’t know if you’re Australian but that’s not unusual) she was changing her story and getting things dragged out and the process was going to start again. He took the lesser charge to get his life back or it would have completely ruined him.
Lulabel73
I wish I made this all up.
assassin180sx
Yeah sorry to say it does, buddy had this happen to him with false accusations
pocketpython
After literally TWO seconds Googling - https://dcj.nsw.gov.au/news-and-media/media-releases/2024/new-laws-enhance-protections-for-victim-survivors-of-domestic-an.html
melovinci
Yes, the DV laws changed... but they mostly concern repeat offenders. Sounds like the friend of the commenter is a repeat offender?
Lulabel73
Nope and it wasn’t in NSW
CommentsThisTimeLastYear
I was married to an alcoholic who was very much this way. She is no longer part of my life and I could not be happier.
Zunderfeuer
Glad you are in a better place
...can I have her number?
kgirl924
Why would you want to be abused?
2graves
Hope you're doing well @cosinewave
SamuthNBS
It's amazing how often alcohol brings this out in people. I've only experience it in women but I've only dated women so that makes sense, I assume it happens in men too.
thedudeman519
IMO the phrase "in vino veritas" is not true. We are defined by our inhibitions, restraint, and sensibilities. Which alcohol strips us of.
thedudeman519
That said, you couple having no restraints with a traumatized mind? Bad things can happen. And unfortunately as the years go on it would appear to me that a great many of us are indeed traumatized.
LeonessaVista
Glad you got out! My brother’s baby-mama is this way, especially when drunk. Literally *everyone* tried to warn him even *her parents*. We had all seen things go down independently and at family gatherings. We all tried. He insisted they loved each other. They are not together anymore but they do have kids. He’s been better about setting and enforcing boundaries but I worry for those kids. After they split he became their primary caretaker until the state stepped in and gave her full custody.
LeonessaVista
To add: we didn’t just try to warn him, we tried to help him. Everyone offered to help with anything they could. It literally took another member of the family to change the locks to keep her from waltzing into a house (that she didn’t own and left voluntarily) and attacking him.
Strategicgnomer
Yeah, was in a relationship I tried to leave for 3 years. Ran off my friends, family, isolated me, and after I finally managed to get her out of my life, stalked me, harassed any woman that I talked with until they wouldn't talk to me, even just friends, threatened them etc., and even came back and trapped me in my house for several days. Took nearly a decade of complete online anonymity to get rid of her and she STILL tries to find me. It's why I can't be known online anymore.
Mec26
Some people are just better strangers.
DumpingSh1tandBeingKind2
Best phrase I've heard in a long time!
Redbum
I'm yoinking this phrase.
CommentsThisTimeLastYear
(originally by @cosinewave on 2023-11-05 00:00:42)
CommentsThisTimeLastYear
Original post: /gallery/wbteI61
CommentsThisTimeLastYear
Original top comment: /gallery/wbteI61/comment/2360449289
GTimgur
Been there. And it was in public. After the shock wore off, I realised I had no socially acceptable recourse, and that pissed me off even more.
CaptainHyperbole
That’s the scary feeling
WingedSunSnake
The patriarchy hurts us all, brother
GTimgur
Honestly, fuck you. There are systemic issues, sure, but this is the dumbest, laziest way to look at this problem. Especially since men were almost universally supportive. And yet, still no social recourse. Because it's no longer a patriarchal issue. One side is screwing over the other and using outdated legal apparatus to get away with it. You can call that the "patriarchy" but it's dangerously reductionist when in these situations it's not the men who need to change. Patriarchy isn't just men>
WingedSunSnake
I see you're having a lot of fun beating that strawman you just made. Enjoy
GTimgur
Ignoring one side of an issue is the same as denying its existence. I wouldn't wish abuse on anyone, even if that's what it takes to wake them up. But I hope you can become a better person.
GTimgur
you say? Tell that to the masses, who missed the memo in this intellectualist circle jerk. Which is exactly what happens when you throw up your hands, blame it on "the partriarchy", and pat yourself on the back for a self-righteous job well done doing jack shit.
HereticsAllOfYou
Then it should probably be called something else. Using a gendered word for it not only reeks of hypocrisy but it implies one gender universally benefits from it.
LoudBirb
No it doesn't. The word has a very specific definition that absolutely still holds true as an accurate description of most modern societies, including the western ones. Read about what it is before forming an opinion on it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriarchy?wprov=sfla1
WingedSunSnake
first, I don't know why you're getting downvoated, because what you are saying is in the same spirit of my comment and I 100% agree with you. Second, omg people are really butthurt with the word? omg it's 2024 we had this discussion already in 2010, let's just move on and fix things instead of debating semantics ffs
btw, have a great day, ty <3
HereticsAllOfYou
I know why the term was adopted. I still disagree with its use for obvious reasons. The fact that it has to be explained everytime it's used to to mean, "We're not talking about all men" shows the gendered nature of the word is problematic in a hypocritical way. You can't say inherently gendered language is bad and then use a gendered word to describe why.
LoudBirb
The word is gendered because the issue is. And it doesn't need to be explained every time. It only needs to be explained the first time, which is how learning words works. What's weird about this one is the sheer number of people getting weirdly defensive about it and stubbornly refusing to learn or acknowledge what it means. I'll never understand this strange tendency to immediately take these things personally. Your reasons for why are only obvious to you and those who think like you.
NotACanadian
I was literally thinking the other day how someone can be discussing something that women do, by their own freethinking choice, that benefits women, at the expense of men, and the response is still "the patriarchy affects us all?"
It's just a strange, off-key thing to say to someone, especially if they're the recipient of abuse. It's like saying it's still their fault/men's fault he got abused.
WingedSunSnake
Do you want to know or are you already set on your definition and anything I say won't matter? Because I can explain plainly why it makes sense
LonelyVoid
Patriarchy is a system of society where men are put on top and expected to be in power and women are expected to be subservient. It is not a system that exclusively benefits men. It is also not a system that is exclusively upheld by men, as it is upheld by everyone. Men being expected to be strong and not being allowed to be vulnerable or seen as victims of abuse is a side effect of patriarchy. Saying as much is not blaming the man as it was not his choice to be born into a patriarchal society.
NotACanadian
In situations like this where the abuse is made public and even played for laughs, how exactly does the "subservient woman/dominant man" fit here? I know this has been done to death, but let's try to look a little harder this time.
In a classically patriarchal system (e.g. Saudi Arabia), the response of not just the man but multiple men would be to publicly beat the woman that "acted out". That isn't the case in other parts of the world that have traditionally divided control of society by 1/
NotACanadian
2/2 gender (women are the heads of domestic life, men manage long-distance relations, to generalize things), and we're looking at the fragments of that type of framework that got heavily distorted in the early modern period. Is there still a patriarchal complex that says it's not manly to let yourself by bothered by a "weak" woman's abuses? Sure, but at the same time that is freely exploited by that matriarchal contingent that benefits from and capitalizes on that kind of thinking.
MushinMan
Abusive partners in a relationship with males will use the social codes of the patriarchy to legitimize and excuse their abuse. Women who hit men will often use masculinity as some sort of magic shield, like "a real man wouldn't get hurt by these slaps" This notion of men being too stoic and physically resilient to be abused hurts men in a very real way. So yes, I'd say the comment was warranted
WingedSunSnake
you get it
hyptosis
When I was a teenager my mother would throw plates at me, knowing i wouldn't hit her back. And one time i blocked a plate from my face a piece of it bounce back and hit her, and she called the police on me. They came and told her to stop throwing plates and told me to not make her throw plates at me and then left. Not even a slap on the wrist.
NotACanadian
So what about when a man weaponizes ideals of femininity to enforce behavior in a woman?
Spidermonkey969696
Still patriarchy. Our societal ideals of gender come from patriarchy because we live in a patriarchal society.
There's only like 12 (I think?) Matriarchal societies in the world so you are unlikely to find yourself discussing this with someone from a matriarchal society unless you seek them out.
Navrodel
You're right that the basic phrase sounds like it's victim blaming to some degree, but that's if you just boil down "patriarchy" to "a situation where men control women."
Taken more broadly, it's an entire system - reinforced by *all* of its participants - that demands both a permanent dominant role for men, and a permanent submissive role for women. That isn't just what is done to women to hold them back, but also what society - men and women both - does to men to reinforce their "place." >
Navrodel
> That's everything from the "man up" comments, to the prevalence among mothers to ignore the distress of boy babies and children longer than girls. It's where the attitude of the bystanders - ridiculing a man for being hit by a girl - comes from: because it's not a fight amongst equals in a patriarchy, it's viewed as the man's fault because men are supposed to have the most agency and control, which he clearly must be lacking.
It's a system that reinforces that only women are victims, and >
Navrodel
> only men are abusers. It's a system that appeals to base instincts among everyone that was raised in it, and is maintained more out of tradition than any rational assertion that it's the right way - at least no rationale that holds up to scrutiny.
Men can also be victims of a system that supposedly lifts them above others - because it's still a role, and not one that everyone wants to play.
Dismantling the system helps everyone that's trapped in it, even the ones that don't seem oppressed.
NotACanadian
I've heard this song and dance many times before, even graduated to it. It still seems incomplete to me. Hear me out for this madcap social theory: there's a patriarchy AND a matriarchy, the latter existing on the same principles that we say the former exists, and they're in a codependent relationship with one another, seeking power -- consistent with the Nietzschean will to power -- whenever possible.
Navrodel
I hear what you're saying, but I have to ask: What's the difference between a single system that enforces roles on everyone, and two systems that dictate roles for two demographics and exist codependently reinforcing one another?
Maybe there's some nuance to what you're saying that I'm missing, but it frankly makes no sense to me to view such a thoroughly entwines system as two separate things if you're trying to understand the root of the problem. It's all the same hierarchy.
Namjies
I would strongly disagree, in the sense that I rarely see women seeking dominion over men the way some men do over women, and that a lot of both men and women reinforce the stereotype of men being the superior sex. In the case of trying to defend yourself, you could also expect more risk from other men trying to punish you for it. The word does not refer to the guilty party, but the positioning of men at the top and the unhealthy stereotypes and rules that come along.
klompet
Patriarchy and matriarchy aren't arbitrary terms. They refer to specific, measurable social systems and we live in just one of these. Any effort to discredit that falls somewhere in the spectrum from stupid to malicious.
DukeDarkwood
It's not the men; it's the system. The patriarchal system hurts men and women alike, by assigning each immutable roles - and I'm not JUST talking "traditional gender roles", but also more general societal roles, such as "men don't get emotional".
Yes, the system, as its name implies, is designed to be male-dominated, but that does not mean it has no rules for the men. Rules which hurt primarily the men who aren't the "patriarch" type. You gotta fit in their mold, or else.
HereticsAllOfYou
It's designed for "particular" men to be dominant, at the expense of even other men. It really needs to be called something else.
NotACanadian
It's still a stupid thing to lead with when consoling someone. Especially when there is a living breathing person that is immediately responsible through their own agency.
DukeDarkwood
Fair. It's just that it's that very system that makes any attempt for the victim to defend himself only condemn him further.
I'm not entirely sure how to solve that - how to empower male abuse victims to defend themselves against female abusers - WITHOUT addressing the system that declares such a situation to be impossible by default.
amphibiousone
(I'm okay and not in an abusive relationship) one time my wife hit me while I was driving. I was jokingly swerving to mimic some idiot in front of me, and while I can see this might be considered wrong or dangerous it felt harmless, but afterwards I tried explaining her how different it would've been had I hit her in the same situation. She stands by it and doesn't see anything wrong with it. It was not just a joking hit. If I had used the same force she did she'd have bruised.
thedudeman519
If you do that regularly you are 100 percent in an abusive relationship. Just not on the side you seem to think .
amphibiousone
I want to make it clear I actually never drive recklessly! Other comments have shed light that it probably was me in the wrong or at the very least - because I don't think it was genuinely *reckless* - she might've been scared. I'm glad I mentioned it now, thank you!
WigglyBlondeNoodle
A car is not a toy that you can mess around in. Even if you think it's harmless, it only takes a split second for you to let down your guard and have a deer cross your path or worse. My dad used to do that "fake" swerving when I was little and it was absolutely terrifying as a passenger.
JeanLucguizamos
So you tried to make a joke, found a pain point for you partner, and instead of apologizing and learning from it you got upset with her? You created the situation, you have to take some responsibility for the outcome
RayneOfSalt
Hooboy.
finesherbes
"wow that driver is an idiot. Better do the same thing he did to show my wife how dangerous it was"
finesherbes
I would have kicked your ass. Fuck head.
amphibiousone
Other comment(er)s have made me realise I likely was in the wrong, yours is just crass and rude and reeks of perpetuating violence which I disagree with, but I empathise you probably meant it from a good place, so thank you for your feedback.
finesherbes
Yeah when you're in control of another person's safety, and you fuck around, you are bad. I don't take it back.
amphibiousone
So you condone road rage? You think if someone does something reckless in front of me I'm justified in "kicking their ass". Stop and think for a moment friend, this is just straight up violence. I wish you well and hope you recover from whatever it is
januarylover
In a weird way this comment is an example of why 'men's refuges' are difficult to manage. Women's Refuge was started by women many of whom were survivors of domestic violence themselves (& received no funding & received death threats from police). Even today the women/children who apply for help are usually in life-threatening situations. Women are GENERALLY smaller/less dangerous than men. But factors like alcohol/drug issues, anger management issues, homophobia (a lot of male victims of domest
januarylover
ic violence are LGBT+). It's harder to find safe housing for guys (with women's refuge most women are housed by other families/women). Men & women are often 'unknowns' but with men there IS an increased statistical risk that a misunderstanding that escalates could turn violent/inappropriate. That's not to say it doesn't happen with women, but it happens LESS. So domestic violence on a STATISTICAL level IS different. Like this guy said, if he'd hit her, she would've at least bruised. & in fact,
januarylover
I suspect a lot of us don't objectively realise how much harder we can throw a punch than most women. I work in Rape Crisis & run regular group sessions & even within those confines we've needed security intervention for the men's groups far more than the women's only. It's uncomfortable but it's true, that women (especially pregnant women) are far more likely to BE KILLED by a partner than a man is. Perhaps we all carry the same capacity for anger but the weapons are usually different.
januarylover
When I was a young man I was in a relationship with an older guy who started to hit me. IT WAS NOT OK. It never is. However, I was in a better position to leave without risking my life than many women are (although still not great, at the time I had no family support). Anyway. Hug each other bros, ask your friends if they're alright, it's GOOD to be open & vulnerable with each other & it's GOOD to nurture your friendships.
januarylover
(I think the narrative that domestic violence is 'just as bad for men' is a little misleading. On the specific example, personal experience, micro-level, it can be. It can be JUST as harmful & hurtful & traumatic. But on the larger statistical level, the macro, there's a difference between 'my wife hit me & even though I didn't bruise it was STILL TECHNICALLY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE' & the reality of our society.
amphibiousone
Message received all 👌Thanks for your inputs. I genuinely don't think I was putting her in danger, but I guess I can't convey that well here, but the input you've given has made me realise I was probably at fault regardless. I never drive recklessly, including speeding. You've all downvoted which is cool but the feedback I received was truly worth it.
tanebot
What you did was dumb. You still didn't deserve to get hit for it, and it's extremely disappointing how many people here are saying you did.
TheOtherKindOfDM
While your driving wasn't your best move, the fact that you're willing to own what you did is a really good look. Also, it is probably safe to say that you shouldn't have been hit. Both can be true at the same time. I'm really proud of you owning the feedback, though. Shit's tough to do.
howimetyourauntrobin2
This!!
krstd
I understand you, but I guess from her point of view you endangered her and her trust in you. I know it was meant as a joke but when you are a passenger you don't have any control at all. Be more careful in the future, jokes are good but it has to be fun for her too.
amphibiousone
Thanks for your input, these comments have made me realise I was probably just straight up in the wrong, or even if none of us were "wrong" per se she was likely justified. Thank you!
krstd
Anyone who is willing to reflect and make amends is a good person in my book. Take care.
Puppycow
If your buddy had hit you the same way though, how would that compare, emotional uh...flavor wise?
jenkememporium
bro I don't think this hits how you want it to. You put her and yourself in danger, she was in a self defense situation. Don't drive like an asshat especially with precious cargo on board. "i can see how this might be considered wrong or dangerous it felt harmless". How do you think it felt her to be at the point she had to physically try to force you to stop? tf?
thedudeman519
Right? " I scared the shit out of my wife and SHE got upset with ME? Women amirite?"
tanebot
He did the wrong thing, but "my partner scared me so I punched them with intent to hurt them" is bad whatever the genders involved.
azarza
and then lectures her
amphibiousone
I think this hits the nail on the head. I don't genuinely think I was being reckless but your comment made me realise the sudden-ness may have actually been scary. Trust me when I say I don't actually drive reckless, but thank you for your comment as you've made me realise it was probably justified
Monocular0
Okay, but two people can both be wrong in a situation. He was driving recklessly, and she could have communicated in a way other than hitting him. In the spirit of the post, imagine it had been a woman jokingly driving like that and her husband hit her to get her to stop.
RayneOfSalt
"To make this bad actual thing that happened seem ok, imagine if the people were reversed! this fake situation that did not happen totally makes the real one that did happen ok!"
thelonepig
He's not trying to make it seem okay, he literally said it was bad and also the woman's behavior was bad. Don't swerve cars, also don't hit.
thedudeman519
In the spirit of the post, the abuse was driving recklessly. Hitting someone after they scared the shit out of you and endangered you is perfectly reasonable. No matter what configuration you want to make . I would have hit him too if I were in the car. And dollars to donuts you would as well, because that's what happens to people when they are put in "fight or flight" mode.
thedudeman519
And right on cue someone itching for an excuse chimes in and mutes like a child. People like the clearly enlightened commenter below are the reason discussing men's issues is difficult. They'd rather use men's mental health, homelessness, and DV victimhood as a shield against critical thought