I have a light dusting of autism so I don’t pick up on hints or nonverbal cues. 30 years ago, my wife and I agreed to say when we were mad. No games. She grew up on eggshells bc her mom slammed cabinets and got steadily angrier all while insisting she wasn’t mad. I grew up on egg shells bc my mom is super passive aggressive. Both of them worried our marriage was troubled bc we’d say “I’m mad bc… “ or “when you did X, it made me angry,” Like just being honest w/ each other was unhealthy.
OMG yes. My parents got demonstratively angry. Yeah, it sometimes led to uncomfortable situations (stuck in a car with them, wanting to disappear.) My wife's parents would not "fight" in front of others - but the kids learned to know when they were mad at each other. There were multiple times when we'd all be in the kitchen, her parents would be mad about something, everyone else would melt away, and I'd be left with them wondering why everyone was so uncomfortable.
"Annoyingly, that logic makes sense." The logic... that she imagined that he might probably have? Bro avoided a whole argument and still managed to win it, nice!
She started this and is upset he is waiting for her to finish cleaning up the mess she made. If I did something like that I would have sorted and folded all the clothes not just mine because it's the right thing to do.
This also happens from adults to children. And harder to detect when the push starts turning into harmful expectations. Because when we are young for quite a long while we keep trying to hold the baby priviledge that we cry or do nothing and things are solved for us. It's hard to tell when the child doesn't need a little nudge.
My ex wife's dog used our living room carpet as a toilet and one night while I was at work she pulled up just under 700 square feet of carpet and left it in the driveway where I parked without any call or text warning. The amount of work I expected to have to do while also working 5 12 hour days a week was so large I almost drove to my moms with plans of telling her I was done. She did stuff like that all the time to force me into renovations. That time we had hardwood floors under the carpet.
Oh no. She would always make it clear to me when she tore up something in the house that it was to force me to do the renovation right away. Then complain how I didn't do it fast enough. This was the one instance where I didn't need to do much. Just pull up the nail strips around the edges of the room for the carpet. Normally it was drywalling and rewiring a room or two.
Thank you for pointing that out! I’m a man, and I have done this in the past. I try really hard not to at this point. We’re all capable of this, and probably do it without having any idea it’s happening 90% of the time
Her: We create a task and assign it to our husband. Him: Be honest. Her: I am being honest. Him: Does your husband know you gave him this? Her: I quietly assigned it to him. Him: Thank you.
Realizing the problem is the first step in dealing with it. It looks like this lady took a step back and really thought through the situation. Good on her, most people can't even do that much.
Friend, you're reaching. We've only got half the story here, you have no idea what the husband's like. Stop acting like the husband is some irredeemable monster.
I think the main issue here is a lack of communication. Other people, no matter how close to you, cannot read your mind. You would certainly hate it if they could, by the way.
I do appreciate her having some perspective on this. She's getting a lot closer than anyone else who has this thought process. But... it's still off the mark. I wouldn't see that pile and think "Oh, my wife wants me to deal with it." I wouldn't notice they were my clothes, I would notice that my wife left a pile of clothes on the floor. It isn't MY pile, it's HER pile. I sure as heck didn't leave it there. But I'm not gonna nag her, I'm sure she'll deal with it when she's ready.
Some people store their clothes in cupboards and drawers, some people divide their clothes storage between cupboards, drawers, bedroom chair and laundry basket.
My wife and I talk about this a lot. I've no problem doing my share, but our timelines might not align. I need to work on my side of prioritising the tasks she asks for within the other tasks I'm taking on, and she works on her side of not necessarily expecting any tasks she brings up as jumping to the top of the queue. Conversation and balance.
Something i wish my ex realised. The problem wasnt me, the problem was doing exactly what the lady says, creating problems on her own and then acting like i was supposed to clean them up.
When I get treated like an employee at home I go into organized labor mode. Whole project can screech to a halt until negotiations are settled. And I'm up front about why it happens.
I was just going after the validity of the UK having regular 104F days. Shorts could be winter wear in places like Florida though, it all depends on location
Well they aren't in recorded history on the Internet at least... Best I could find was an Instagram post from 2 weeks ago where it was 42C INSIDE a bus
Yeah. To be honest, that's not even like, "Oh, I chose this project, not him", it's "I made a mess of all his stuff when it wasn't a mess to start with, and then expected him to deal with it." Frankly she shouldn't be going "Oh right, I should be patient and not expect him to do this on my timetable", she should just do it herself because this wasn't a problem until she made it into one. He was fine with his things being where they were.
At least talk to him about it. Ask if he wants to do it and if not ask if there's something she can do for now to get them out of the way. Communication should not be this hard..
I don't think I'd go that far. It's good that she's reflecting on these things, and trying to do better, but she does still need to ask herself why she did that to his clothes in the first place.
This also isn't a women vs men thing. I've been in a queer relationship for decades, and the same issues crop up. Things you think are obviously necessary that your partner simply does not agree on, and vice versa.
Hes still fine with where they are. He is totally unbothered and unless she makes a big deal out of it like she's trying so hard not to, he will remain unbothered by it.
I find it so weird how often this has to be said lately.. COMMUNICATION.. it's not that hard. She is correct though that *she* decided to do this project. *She* decided to put his stuff somewhere. It took her how long to get the want to do this? Why does he suddenly have to jump because she now felt like doing it right before you're leaving anyway..? In the end she could just talk to him about it. Say how she'd like if he at least did *something* with his clothes so it's not mentally taxing her.
huge mind blowing reality to me in couples therapy: I was waiting for my partner to ask about how my art show went when I got home. The therapist said: “why not walk in and say: ‘I’m home! Ask me about my art show!’” Like WTF. Of COURSE I can’t expect anyone else predict my needs and read my mind? How did I not SEE how unfair that was? I grew in a household of conflict aversion, where nothing was asked for but resentment existed when needs weren’t met. I simply had no role model for that.
Same! And the thing about this also: you are helping each other to train your brains on situations and contexts where the other one wants to be asked, would appreciate something done or said, etc. It's really hard to change a habit or non-habit without practice, and every time you work on it you ironically take another step towards that mind reading thing that many expects from their partners from the beginning. And if we never get there, no sweat, just keep asking and telling with your words!
Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with a similar challenge with my girlfriend. She is often waiting for me to ask, and my view is, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. Tell me what you need. I understand it’s not organic, but it is functional. And we would’ve avoided a lot of fights. Some stuff is on me to figure out. But I don’t expect anyone in my life to understand what’s happening in my fishbowl of a brain. I will share it if I want it in the open. It is easier this way.
This book was HELPFUL for us. We used the same language and had the same references for communication. NO ONE teaches us how to be good at relationships so we observes others and try to figure it out but our examples, feelings about love, connections & expectations are formed in childhood, make us expect things that children expect. This showed me how to be an ADULT with another ADULT in relationships. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-be-an-adult-in-relationships-david-richo/1103427977
Yeah... I'm also betting her cleaning lady did a bunch. After holidays we create a doom pile, mostly clean pile and must wash now. The real trick is talking about it.... And coming home to a clean home is such a nice treat to unwind anyways
That should be a pleasant surprise though, not an expectation. And as others have pointed out, those pleasant surprises only happen after you've "had to have a conversation about it" enough times that they've built up a good understanding of you.
Sure it’s nice. And it will happen more often when you communicate instead of just waiting for them to read your mind. Anticipating needs comes from getting to know someone, and it’s hard to get to know someone when they won’t tell you about what they think and feel.
This makes so much sense and I wish our counselor would have made this point. It’s short and simple, but explains and puts things in an easy way to understand. I am truly grateful for your insight, as I struggle with communication. I have acknowledged my struggle and am getting professional help, but I must let you know you helped me see things in a more positive and productive understanding. Thank you for taking the time to help and I hope others benefit from your wisdom as well.
In my relationship, I work full time, fix the cars, fix the house, cut chop and stack the firewood, do the heavy lifting, and pay for everything. The domestic chores my wife takes care of would take the average teenager a few hours a day to manage. I'm like a full time slave. I'm sure this woman could sort and put away those things in 20 minutes. Expecting me to "help" would be disingenuous. FWIW, I did everything when my wife had cancer, and pay a housekeeper to help her. I still get judged.
I sense you feel taken advantage of or exploited. I'm not sure whether that's warranted, but have you discussed that feeling with your wife? If this is really an upset for you, I'd suggest some counseling
FWIW, I am approaching chronic burnout. The inequality of our workloads is only balanced by the expectation that we should also share in household duties, like all the things I do every weekend don't count, even though they are difficult, time consuming, and vital. And she has total access to my bank account. The woman in this video spent more time talking about her husband's clothes than it would take for her to put them away. but we should share domestic tasks, so...
That's not his pile though. It's a pile of his clothes, but that's YOUR pile. You put that there. So he'll get to it when/if he gets to it, or you can clean up the mess YOU made.
Honestly when she was relating the story all I could think of is what my thought process would be in his shoes. I would be wondering when the hell my wife/gf is going to finish whatever the heck she started when she tossed a pile of clothes on the floor. I wouldn't say anything about it assuming she was struggling to figure out the perfect solution and my asking would put undue pressure on her and or highlight a shortcoming of he ability to handle whatever she was trying to accomplish.
100%. I wouldn't recognize it as a pile of my clothes, nor would I think I am the one meant to take care of it. I would recognize it as a pile SHE put there for some reason, and figure she must have some plan she's waiting to execute. I wouldn't think for a second it was meant for me, because if it was she would've told me right?
Your partner also isn't your servant. If you're on the couch and you need something, just get up and get it yourself. If you need something from your bag or wallet, you look through the damn thing for it. They didn't bring you home something and you're hungry? Get the keys and go get your own food. It's called being grown up.
Some people enjoy doing things for others when asked or even not asked. The key words are consent and agreement. Hard rules like this can also be unrealistic, like what if one is sick or injured and they need help doing things. People are in relationships so they can help and support each other
Support is something like minding the kids while the other person has a lot on their plate. Help is doing something the other person isn't physically capable of doing. It's not, "Oh, I don't feel like doing it myself, and you're already up, so could you be a good little boy/girl and get that thing?" There's an imbalance in a relationship when one party is the only one being responsible and the other milks that and makes no effort on their part.
To a small degree I did this. Not even on big things, we had our understood separation of chores and household duties. But if I was sitting down (didn’t matter if he was sitting or doing something else) I would always ask him to get me stuff. It finally clicked how lazy and rude that was to him. One of the few things I’ve managed to change and improve about myself in our relationship.
Like I said, some people enjoy doing things for others even if the reason is the other person doesn’t feel like doing it. Every relationship is different, the key things are consent and agreement. For that, communication is needed. Why rob someone or yourself of the joy of helping someone, if that’s something that they or you like to do
If you live in or near the tropics, this is probably not something you need to contend with. More than 25 degrees north or south, and everyone has *some* way of dealing with the changes.
It's not a rich person thing, it's a temperate climate zone thing. You need different clothes for the summer and winter there if you do not wish to die of either heat stroke or hypothermia.
Not really. It's more of a fashionista thing. I wear t-shirts in the summer and in the winter, and pants in the summer and the winter. The difference is that I might add a coat or long underwear in the winter. Layers, they're magic. You don't need to own 15 types of shirt if you can just wear 1-3 and get the desired result.
No but I don't fucking use polar expedition worthy clothing in the middle of the Minnesota winter either. Once it hits 0°F or lower I might throw a pair of thermal underwear on under the same pants and shirt that I wear all other times of the year. But those thermal underwear also act as PJs/lounge pants
I think what some people are missing here, it's not so much the concept of different clothes for different weather conditions, but rather the concept of having so many clothes that you literally have to put away an entire set of them and then bring out a whole other set depending on the season.
I have clothes for cold weather and clothes for warm weather, but they all fit in a single closet simultaneously. I don't have to make space for one set or the other depending on the time of year.
Do consider the possibility of folks having smaller closets than you, or that two people sharing closet space will naturally have more clothes than you alone.
Sure, though my and my wife's closet is just big enough for one of us to step inside, not large at all. She uses 3/4 of it, I use the other 1/4 and we both have all our clothes for the entire year there.
People just have way way way more clothes than they really need.
I'm in Canada. Summer clothes are a thing. So are winter clothes. I experience all four seasons, often with extreme violence. And there's various levels of that violence. Winter clothes are just winter clothes. Quite often summer clothes layered up to make it look like they're winter clothes. And then the temperature drops to minus 40 and that's a whole different layer of winter clothes and summer clothes all stacked up together. No, it's not a rich thing. It's a living in four seasons thing.
If you don’t store your unwearable off season clothes, I HIGHLY recommend it! The heavy sweaters, boots, coats and then the shorts, sandals, swimsuits. You can find the things you want in your closet more easily, and when you unpack to switch them out, everything feels new again!
I don't own enough things for it to be a problem. Cold weather clothes on the left, hot on the right. Not strictly sorted with objective metrics, but something of a gradient from left to right. Big heavy long sleeve shirt? Far left. Button up shirt with long sleeves? middle. Light t-shirt? far right. Short sleeve button up? mid right. :)
Yeah I have my suits and dress shirts hanging in the closet, but for regular clothes the entirety of my year-round wardrobe fits in 4 of the 6 drawers in my side of the dresser. It goes:
I wear t-shirts and jeans year round. As it gets cold I start adding warmer overgarments such as hoodies, coats, winter coats, up to and including snow pants. 3 coats and a draw full of hoodies covers between warm and 8 hour shifts working outside in -20's for me. But I've never cared about fashion or fancy clothes either. To me it's just another way to get people to buy stuff they hardly wear so they invest more in clothes.
Are you a fellow dude? That's basically what I do these days. Elsewhere I detailed how I used to do it when I needed to keep appearances for work. But these days I only really wear t-shirts and change the over/undergarment. I have a few sweaters, but I rarely touch them. I mostly wear pants, though I have a few pairs of shorts I wear. I have a few pairs of snow pants, but more often than not I just add some long underwear and use normal stuff.
Maybe but do you not own both shorts and long pants? The lung cancer winter clothes and the short pants are summer clothes. And if you have like a heavy jacket that's winter clothes and not having the heavy jacket is summer clothes
Shorts and long pants are for temperatures not seasons. What happens if you store your "winter clothes" and then there's a cold day during summer? Unpack everything? Just be cold?
Things like under layers get put away every spring. I keep out a couple of sweaters and some warm pants. The rest gets stored. I'm not going to need clothes for -40°c when it's currently sitting between +10 and +30...
I had no idea you needed to be rich to live in a place, where the temperatures shift over the year ;)
No, but seriously, I have summer clothes (the biggest distinction is shorts vs. long trousers, ofc), winter clothes, and in-between clothes -- the not quite as thick and warm as the winter stuff, but the kind you wear when it's not quite warm enough for just a hoodie. Windbreakers and shit, y'know.
Exactly. Summer can be like 100F here while winter can be below 0.. I have clothes I shift out with the seasons. Like you said there's also transitional clothing for spring and fall where it's not quite hot or cold out or morning is cold but afternoon is hot. That's not a rich thing.. that's just based on where you are.
Except my winter clothes are heavier and longer sleeved/pants. Dressing down means switching to shorts and tees. Wearing fewer clothes literally means going from heavy sweaters to tees. When temps go from -40c to +30c in a manner of weeks you definitely have different clothing.
I don't know where you live, but in my neck of the woods, that's really not a viable option, considering the difference between summer and winter temperatures are in the ballpark of 50-60°C. I'm not gonna wear my thick-ass down jacket in the summer nor am I gonna put on shorts and flip-flops in the winter, fully consigning the prior for winter and the latter to summer use.
I live somewhere that's maybe a 40 F difference year round (including day and night temps), a quick conversion looks like about 10 C to maybe low-30s C. Rather just have regular cotton t-shirts, dickies overshirt, and if I get cold I wear a jacket. Jeans almost always unless we're like going to the beach or pool or something.
Yeah, the 50-60°C difference is between -30°C and +30°C (-22°F to 86°F), which kind of forces your hand. Especially with the wind chill, you most definitely want something more than any ol' jacket and jeans on the cold winter days... and I can't imagine faffing about in jeans when it gets above 70°F.
madjo
Dadvocate approved!
TheFifthTK
Communication gets rid of most of this drama…being open and honest…not hiding your wants and needs
phoony
I love the attitude of this woman.
PantlessThunderGoose42
I have a light dusting of autism so I don’t pick up on hints or nonverbal cues.
30 years ago, my wife and I agreed to say when we were mad. No games. She grew up on eggshells bc her mom slammed cabinets and got steadily angrier all while insisting she wasn’t mad. I grew up on egg shells bc my mom is super passive aggressive. Both of them worried our marriage was troubled bc we’d say “I’m mad bc… “ or “when you did X, it made me angry,”
Like just being honest w/ each other was unhealthy.
TurnsOut42WasASlightMiscalculation
OMG yes. My parents got demonstratively angry. Yeah, it sometimes led to uncomfortable situations (stuck in a car with them, wanting to disappear.) My wife's parents would not "fight" in front of others - but the kids learned to know when they were mad at each other. There were multiple times when we'd all be in the kitchen, her parents would be mad about something, everyone else would melt away, and I'd be left with them wondering why everyone was so uncomfortable.
supervillin
"Annoyingly, that logic makes sense." The logic... that she imagined that he might probably have? Bro avoided a whole argument and still managed to win it, nice!
DrewK98
Only way he won that argument was that she had it with herself.
Ijustwantquiet
She started this and is upset he is waiting for her to finish cleaning up the mess she made. If I did something like that I would have sorted and folded all the clothes not just mine because it's the right thing to do.
300Hectares1TankofKerosene
Jesus H Christ, EVERY woman needs to hear that as many times as it takes to sink in.
tsterling00
Why did she make him a pile and not just leave his clothes bagged in the cupboard?
fartharder
Because she wanted it done.
Fifofu
This also happens from adults to children. And harder to detect when the push starts turning into harmful expectations. Because when we are young for quite a long while we keep trying to hold the baby priviledge that we cry or do nothing and things are solved for us. It's hard to tell when the child doesn't need a little nudge.
kahlas
My ex wife's dog used our living room carpet as a toilet and one night while I was at work she pulled up just under 700 square feet of carpet and left it in the driveway where I parked without any call or text warning. The amount of work I expected to have to do while also working 5 12 hour days a week was so large I almost drove to my moms with plans of telling her I was done. She did stuff like that all the time to force me into renovations. That time we had hardwood floors under the carpet.
DrewK98
"Honey, I notice you started renovating the living room. I'll be sure to stay out of your way until you're done."
kahlas
Oh no. She would always make it clear to me when she tore up something in the house that it was to force me to do the renovation right away. Then complain how I didn't do it fast enough. This was the one instance where I didn't need to do much. Just pull up the nail strips around the edges of the room for the carpet. Normally it was drywalling and rewiring a room or two.
Blunderwriter
lol, she's not wrong
AlmatheaToes
Lol, my husband does this to me aol the time, and I know I've probably done it too. Not a women thing but just a dealing with other people thing.
umpbumpfizz
Thank you for pointing that out! I’m a man, and I have done this in the past. I try really hard not to at this point. We’re all capable of this, and probably do it without having any idea it’s happening 90% of the time
FrankRizzo55
I finally see a short with text that isn't blinking, and changing text size and color and the test is fucking tiny. Can't win.
RElGNMAN
Her: We create a task and assign it to our husband.
Him: Be honest.
Her: I am being honest.
Him: Does your husband know you gave him this?
Her: I quietly assigned it to him.
Him: Thank you.
JohnWickdidnothingwrong
There are bigger issues than the laundry, here.
choppedliveraldente
Like what's for dinner.
choppedliveraldente
People i didn't mean she should cook dinner. I meant its hard to agree.
Feralkyn
OOF
MathNotEvenOnce
Yes. And she's talking about how she realized the problem isn't the clothes but her assigning the job to her husband without talking to him
JohnWickdidnothingwrong
Bigger than that, they both need to learn to communicate better. Yikes all-round.
metroidmariomega
Realizing the problem is the first step in dealing with it. It looks like this lady took a step back and really thought through the situation. Good on her, most people can't even do that much.
JohnWickdidnothingwrong
Yeah, again, she's not the only one with work to do.
HavelTh3Rock
Friend, you're reaching. We've only got half the story here, you have no idea what the husband's like. Stop acting like the husband is some irredeemable monster.
Nightcaste
Whether they're his clothes or not, she made the mess, she should clean it up
stevelite
https://media4.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPWE1NzM3M2U1b2h2eHJqemJtNzBkbm16azE5ODMyZWpjdHE1ZXk4MXF2dndubXIyNyZlcD12MV9naWZzX3NlYXJjaCZjdD1n/eAGxMmpAX1B4c/200w.webp that pile of clothes
RedOrbTalon
I think the main issue here is a lack of communication. Other people, no matter how close to you, cannot read your mind. You would certainly hate it if they could, by the way.
stumblinforward
Alternately you could put away YOUR mess YOU made with his close.....
asm80dfa8sdfj
I do appreciate her having some perspective on this. She's getting a lot closer than anyone else who has this thought process. But... it's still off the mark. I wouldn't see that pile and think "Oh, my wife wants me to deal with it." I wouldn't notice they were my clothes, I would notice that my wife left a pile of clothes on the floor. It isn't MY pile, it's HER pile. I sure as heck didn't leave it there. But I'm not gonna nag her, I'm sure she'll deal with it when she's ready.
marthafarquar
Some people store their clothes in cupboards and drawers, some people divide their clothes storage between cupboards, drawers, bedroom chair and laundry basket.
Slewth87
My wife and I talk about this a lot. I've no problem doing my share, but our timelines might not align. I need to work on my side of prioritising the tasks she asks for within the other tasks I'm taking on, and she works on her side of not necessarily expecting any tasks she brings up as jumping to the top of the queue. Conversation and balance.
mcoulter876
Previous video: 🔈🔈🔈 This video 🔈 Next video 🔈🔈🔊
Colopty
And this one also opted to have the smallest subtitles known to man, to match the whispering volume.
tzahtman
On top of that the subtitles are so small they're illegible on my phone so I have no idea what she is trying to convey.
unluckyandbored
If it makes you feel better, they're illegible on desktop too.
Clayman8
Something i wish my ex realised. The problem wasnt me, the problem was doing exactly what the lady says, creating problems on her own and then acting like i was supposed to clean them up.
fartharder
When I get treated like an employee at home I go into organized labor mode. Whole project can screech to a halt until negotiations are settled. And I'm up front about why it happens.
Seethreepeeoh
Uk summer clothes are winter clothes
miked854
No, theyre summer clothes. Summer being one week in late july.
AdrianDunne
Ireland had Summer on a Wednesday last year.
madjo
Depends on which part of the UK. After all in the south part they have palm trees growing.
jesuisgur
Not because it's hot, but because it's not cold.
bolobass
Because temperatures range from 12c winter to 22c summer, a steady climate facilitates certain species.
madjo
Except for the heatwave last month when temps reached 35.1 degrees.
Whatdoyousaytoanicecupoftea
40 degree (rest of the world units) days beg to differ
DrewK98
Some of these replies missed "rest of the world units".
DongleDingler
The UK had ONE 40C (104F) high day in recorded history (2022). Their summer average is under 24C high
Unclescam
Those Temps are my winter...
Ririq
Then you don't have a winter. You just have a cooler summer.
jridley
24C is shorts and T shirt weather tho. Not winter gear.
DongleDingler
I was just going after the validity of the UK having regular 104F days. Shorts could be winter wear in places like Florida though, it all depends on location
jridley
In my experience, Floridians are wearing a jacket at 24*C.
Whatdoyousaytoanicecupoftea
You do realise that the UK is quite a long country? Average summer temps in US is roughly the same.
DongleDingler
Yes, and the southeast is the warmest part, with London and Cardiff tying for hottest city. If I were to do the same in the US, it looks like this
Whatdoyousaytoanicecupoftea
...also, it was 42 in places last week as well
DongleDingler
Well they aren't in recorded history on the Internet at least... Best I could find was an Instagram post from 2 weeks ago where it was 42C INSIDE a bus
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom_weather_records
Mncdk
There's also the option of just having a conversation with your partner, instead of having to wait for personal realizations.
pan069
Not with my wife you don't.
miked854
This. I'd be a little put off my wife dumped a pile of stuff in the middle of the floor and just expected me to deal with the mess she made.
FetteredJuvenescence
Yeah. To be honest, that's not even like, "Oh, I chose this project, not him", it's "I made a mess of all his stuff when it wasn't a mess to start with, and then expected him to deal with it." Frankly she shouldn't be going "Oh right, I should be patient and not expect him to do this on my timetable", she should just do it herself because this wasn't a problem until she made it into one. He was fine with his things being where they were.
eventide215
At least talk to him about it. Ask if he wants to do it and if not ask if there's something she can do for now to get them out of the way. Communication should not be this hard..
imnotinthewitnessprotectionprogram
I can see this isn’t the first example of her doing something like this. This is just the first example that doesn’t make her sound absolutely insane.
eventide215
It's probably the first time she had this realization of how messed up it is though which is a good thing regardless.
FetteredJuvenescence
I don't think I'd go that far. It's good that she's reflecting on these things, and trying to do better, but she does still need to ask herself why she did that to his clothes in the first place.
This also isn't a women vs men thing. I've been in a queer relationship for decades, and the same issues crop up. Things you think are obviously necessary that your partner simply does not agree on, and vice versa.
iConfirmAnythingAndEverything
Hes still fine with where they are. He is totally unbothered and unless she makes a big deal out of it like she's trying so hard not to, he will remain unbothered by it.
Scorpio3002
We don't know that
eventide215
I find it so weird how often this has to be said lately.. COMMUNICATION.. it's not that hard. She is correct though that *she* decided to do this project. *She* decided to put his stuff somewhere. It took her how long to get the want to do this? Why does he suddenly have to jump because she now felt like doing it right before you're leaving anyway..? In the end she could just talk to him about it. Say how she'd like if he at least did *something* with his clothes so it's not mentally taxing her.
DasBeaker
How dare you introduce normal human logic in to this!!! HOW DARE!!!
thinkybrainpains
huge mind blowing reality to me in couples therapy: I was waiting for my partner to ask about how my art show went when I got home. The therapist said: “why not walk in and say: ‘I’m home! Ask me about my art show!’” Like WTF. Of COURSE I can’t expect anyone else predict my needs and read my mind? How did I not SEE how unfair that was? I grew in a household of conflict aversion, where nothing was asked for but resentment existed when needs weren’t met. I simply had no role model for that.
mouthfullofpebbles
Same! And the thing about this also: you are helping each other to train your brains on situations and contexts where the other one wants to be asked, would appreciate something done or said, etc. It's really hard to change a habit or non-habit without practice, and every time you work on it you ironically take another step towards that mind reading thing that many expects from their partners from the beginning. And if we never get there, no sweat, just keep asking and telling with your words!
umpbumpfizz
Thank you for sharing this. I struggle with a similar challenge with my girlfriend. She is often waiting for me to ask, and my view is, I don’t know what you’re waiting for. Tell me what you need. I understand it’s not organic, but it is functional. And we would’ve avoided a lot of fights. Some stuff is on me to figure out. But I don’t expect anyone in my life to understand what’s happening in my fishbowl of a brain. I will share it if I want it in the open. It is easier this way.
thinkybrainpains
This book was HELPFUL for us. We used the same language and had the same references for communication. NO ONE teaches us how to be good at relationships so we observes others and try to figure it out but our examples, feelings about love, connections & expectations are formed in childhood, make us expect things that children expect. This showed me how to be an ADULT with another ADULT in relationships. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-be-an-adult-in-relationships-david-richo/1103427977
Pfffftit
So……. How the fuck was the art show? Just leaving us dangling ??
thinkybrainpains
lol! I had the most sales of the whole group and my inventory got wiped out. I was so thrilled!
Pfffftit
Booyah! You the artist !!!
leviaton
Yeah... I'm also betting her cleaning lady did a bunch. After holidays we create a doom pile, mostly clean pile and must wash now. The real trick is talking about it.... And coming home to a clean home is such a nice treat to unwind anyways
Laylah77
And filming yourself complaining with a fake accent. Whatta bitch.
enderite
Found the wife who silently assigns chores for her partner!
TurnsOut42WasASlightMiscalculation
But then again, it's also nice when your partner realizes something on their own, without you having to have a conversation with them about it
Colopty
That should be a pleasant surprise though, not an expectation. And as others have pointed out, those pleasant surprises only happen after you've "had to have a conversation about it" enough times that they've built up a good understanding of you.
TurnsOut42WasASlightMiscalculation
Oh, absolutely
ropetopus
Sure it’s nice. And it will happen more often when you communicate instead of just waiting for them to read your mind. Anticipating needs comes from getting to know someone, and it’s hard to get to know someone when they won’t tell you about what they think and feel.
TurnsOut42WasASlightMiscalculation
Agreed!
Dinglequat
This makes so much sense and I wish our counselor would have made this point. It’s short and simple, but explains and puts things in an easy way to understand. I am truly grateful for your insight, as I struggle with communication. I have acknowledged my struggle and am getting professional help, but I must let you know you helped me see things in a more positive and productive understanding. Thank you for taking the time to help and I hope others benefit from your wisdom as well.
Dannoboyo
In my relationship, I work full time, fix the cars, fix the house, cut chop and stack the firewood, do the heavy lifting, and pay for everything. The domestic chores my wife takes care of would take the average teenager a few hours a day to manage. I'm like a full time slave. I'm sure this woman could sort and put away those things in 20 minutes. Expecting me to "help" would be disingenuous. FWIW, I did everything when my wife had cancer, and pay a housekeeper to help her. I still get judged.
TurnsOut42WasASlightMiscalculation
I sense you feel taken advantage of or exploited. I'm not sure whether that's warranted, but have you discussed that feeling with your wife? If this is really an upset for you, I'd suggest some counseling
Dannoboyo
FWIW, I am approaching chronic burnout. The inequality of our workloads is only balanced by the expectation that we should also share in household duties, like all the things I do every weekend don't count, even though they are difficult, time consuming, and vital. And she has total access to my bank account. The woman in this video spent more time talking about her husband's clothes than it would take for her to put them away. but we should share domestic tasks, so...
areyouelonmusk
Duuuuude. I feel this. I had to stop doing so much and things have gone to shit, but at least I'm not living in constant survival mode
TheVoidFrog
You should talk to your partner and not the internet...
areyouelonmusk
You should ask questions instead of assuming things about people on the internet
Dannoboyo
My partner knows. I limit myself to doing the things only I can do, and that is understood. I never knew there was such a term as dadvocate.
LeifHietala
That's not his pile though. It's a pile of his clothes, but that's YOUR pile. You put that there. So he'll get to it when/if he gets to it, or you can clean up the mess YOU made.
kahlas
Honestly when she was relating the story all I could think of is what my thought process would be in his shoes. I would be wondering when the hell my wife/gf is going to finish whatever the heck she started when she tossed a pile of clothes on the floor. I wouldn't say anything about it assuming she was struggling to figure out the perfect solution and my asking would put undue pressure on her and or highlight a shortcoming of he ability to handle whatever she was trying to accomplish.
asm80dfa8sdfj
100%. I wouldn't recognize it as a pile of my clothes, nor would I think I am the one meant to take care of it. I would recognize it as a pile SHE put there for some reason, and figure she must have some plan she's waiting to execute. I wouldn't think for a second it was meant for me, because if it was she would've told me right?
supervillin
She was thinking "how is he ok with this?!" and he was probably also thinking "how is she ok with this?!"
HisBubbliness
Your partner also isn't your servant. If you're on the couch and you need something, just get up and get it yourself. If you need something from your bag or wallet, you look through the damn thing for it. They didn't bring you home something and you're hungry? Get the keys and go get your own food. It's called being grown up.
Bibbies217
Some people enjoy doing things for others when asked or even not asked. The key words are consent and agreement. Hard rules like this can also be unrealistic, like what if one is sick or injured and they need help doing things. People are in relationships so they can help and support each other
HisBubbliness
Support is something like minding the kids while the other person has a lot on their plate. Help is doing something the other person isn't physically capable of doing. It's not, "Oh, I don't feel like doing it myself, and you're already up, so could you be a good little boy/girl and get that thing?" There's an imbalance in a relationship when one party is the only one being responsible and the other milks that and makes no effort on their part.
EveryBodyLovesMe
To a small degree I did this. Not even on big things, we had our understood separation of chores and household duties. But if I was sitting down (didn’t matter if he was sitting or doing something else) I would always ask him to get me stuff. It finally clicked how lazy and rude that was to him. One of the few things I’ve managed to change and improve about myself in our relationship.
Bibbies217
Like I said, some people enjoy doing things for others even if the reason is the other person doesn’t feel like doing it. Every relationship is different, the key things are consent and agreement. For that, communication is needed. Why rob someone or yourself of the joy of helping someone, if that’s something that they or you like to do
backrideup9
Summer clothes? Is this a concept I'm too poor to understand?
AliensProbably
If you live in or near the tropics, this is probably not something you need to contend with. More than 25 degrees north or south, and everyone has *some* way of dealing with the changes.
Colopty
It's not a rich person thing, it's a temperate climate zone thing. You need different clothes for the summer and winter there if you do not wish to die of either heat stroke or hypothermia.
asm80dfa8sdfj
Not really. It's more of a fashionista thing. I wear t-shirts in the summer and in the winter, and pants in the summer and the winter. The difference is that I might add a coat or long underwear in the winter. Layers, they're magic. You don't need to own 15 types of shirt if you can just wear 1-3 and get the desired result.
NothingPrince
She has multiple houses she lives in. Yes she is rich probably cleaner and gadener rich too. But seams like a nice person
Haemaelaeinen
You don't fucking use polar expedition worthy clothing in summer, don't you?
Badprenup
No but I don't fucking use polar expedition worthy clothing in the middle of the Minnesota winter either. Once it hits 0°F or lower I might throw a pair of thermal underwear on under the same pants and shirt that I wear all other times of the year. But those thermal underwear also act as PJs/lounge pants
drinkthederpentine
Do you own shorts and also pants?
LoremAmetIpumSitDolor
I think what some people are missing here, it's not so much the concept of different clothes for different weather conditions, but rather the concept of having so many clothes that you literally have to put away an entire set of them and then bring out a whole other set depending on the season.
I have clothes for cold weather and clothes for warm weather, but they all fit in a single closet simultaneously. I don't have to make space for one set or the other depending on the time of year.
Colopty
Do consider the possibility of folks having smaller closets than you, or that two people sharing closet space will naturally have more clothes than you alone.
LoremAmetIpumSitDolor
Sure, though my and my wife's closet is just big enough for one of us to step inside, not large at all. She uses 3/4 of it, I use the other 1/4 and we both have all our clothes for the entire year there.
People just have way way way more clothes than they really need.
mcglirkymeow
I'm in Canada. Summer clothes are a thing. So are winter clothes. I experience all four seasons, often with extreme violence. And there's various levels of that violence. Winter clothes are just winter clothes. Quite often summer clothes layered up to make it look like they're winter clothes. And then the temperature drops to minus 40 and that's a whole different layer of winter clothes and summer clothes all stacked up together. No, it's not a rich thing. It's a living in four seasons thing.
MrsHowVeryDareYou
If you don’t store your unwearable off season clothes, I HIGHLY recommend it! The heavy sweaters, boots, coats and then the shorts, sandals, swimsuits. You can find the things you want in your closet more easily, and when you unpack to switch them out, everything feels new again!
asm80dfa8sdfj
I don't own enough things for it to be a problem. Cold weather clothes on the left, hot on the right. Not strictly sorted with objective metrics, but something of a gradient from left to right. Big heavy long sleeve shirt? Far left. Button up shirt with long sleeves? middle. Light t-shirt? far right. Short sleeve button up? mid right. :)
Badprenup
Yeah I have my suits and dress shirts hanging in the closet, but for regular clothes the entirety of my year-round wardrobe fits in 4 of the 6 drawers in my side of the dresser. It goes:
Socks/Underwear
Shirts
Regular Pants/Shorts
Comfy Pants/Shorts (Sweatpants, basketball shorts, PJs, etc.)
asm80dfa8sdfj
Ahh, my drawers are for socks/underwear, leg stuff, and then for misc winter gear.
eventide215
It also helps keep them from deteriorating. Pack them in vacuum storage bags.
kahlas
I wear t-shirts and jeans year round. As it gets cold I start adding warmer overgarments such as hoodies, coats, winter coats, up to and including snow pants. 3 coats and a draw full of hoodies covers between warm and 8 hour shifts working outside in -20's for me. But I've never cared about fashion or fancy clothes either. To me it's just another way to get people to buy stuff they hardly wear so they invest more in clothes.
asm80dfa8sdfj
Are you a fellow dude? That's basically what I do these days. Elsewhere I detailed how I used to do it when I needed to keep appearances for work. But these days I only really wear t-shirts and change the over/undergarment. I have a few sweaters, but I rarely touch them. I mostly wear pants, though I have a few pairs of shorts I wear. I have a few pairs of snow pants, but more often than not I just add some long underwear and use normal stuff.
kahlas
I sure am.
MrsHowVeryDareYou
Everyone has their “dumb” stuff. For some it’s video games, movies, LEGO… for others it’s clothes.
Larktonguesinadicecup
Maybe but do you not own both shorts and long pants? The lung cancer winter clothes and the short pants are summer clothes. And if you have like a heavy jacket that's winter clothes and not having the heavy jacket is summer clothes
supervillin
Shorts and long pants are for temperatures not seasons. What happens if you store your "winter clothes" and then there's a cold day during summer? Unpack everything? Just be cold?
Sevulturus
Things like under layers get put away every spring. I keep out a couple of sweaters and some warm pants. The rest gets stored. I'm not going to need clothes for -40°c when it's currently sitting between +10 and +30...
Larktonguesinadicecup
Uh, yes. I'm not unpacking seasonal stuff for one random day. That would be nuts.
zanarchy805
I love my lung cancer winter clothes. /s
SlickWithaLimerick
Asbestos is the best-os
Larktonguesinadicecup
Not even my worst autocorrect gaffe
Larktonguesinadicecup
I think "lung cancer" was supposed to be "long pants are"
Cataleast
I had no idea you needed to be rich to live in a place, where the temperatures shift over the year ;)
No, but seriously, I have summer clothes (the biggest distinction is shorts vs. long trousers, ofc), winter clothes, and in-between clothes -- the not quite as thick and warm as the winter stuff, but the kind you wear when it's not quite warm enough for just a hoodie. Windbreakers and shit, y'know.
eventide215
Exactly. Summer can be like 100F here while winter can be below 0.. I have clothes I shift out with the seasons. Like you said there's also transitional clothing for spring and fall where it's not quite hot or cold out or morning is cold but afternoon is hot. That's not a rich thing.. that's just based on where you are.
supervillin
Temperatures shifting doesn't necessitate "summer and winter clothes," you can also wear "more or fewer clothes."
eventide215
So in the winter you just wear more shorts to be warmer? Your logic is entirely flawed just to try and cause problems.
supervillin
In the winter I wear jeans, it's 50-60 F. Sorry that causes problems, but I'm not sure who to complain to about the weather.
iConfirmAnythingAndEverything
Except my winter clothes are heavier and longer sleeved/pants. Dressing down means switching to shorts and tees. Wearing fewer clothes literally means going from heavy sweaters to tees. When temps go from -40c to +30c in a manner of weeks you definitely have different clothing.
Cataleast
I don't know where you live, but in my neck of the woods, that's really not a viable option, considering the difference between summer and winter temperatures are in the ballpark of 50-60°C. I'm not gonna wear my thick-ass down jacket in the summer nor am I gonna put on shorts and flip-flops in the winter, fully consigning the prior for winter and the latter to summer use.
supervillin
I live somewhere that's maybe a 40 F difference year round (including day and night temps), a quick conversion looks like about 10 C to maybe low-30s C. Rather just have regular cotton t-shirts, dickies overshirt, and if I get cold I wear a jacket. Jeans almost always unless we're like going to the beach or pool or something.
Cataleast
Yeah, the 50-60°C difference is between -30°C and +30°C (-22°F to 86°F), which kind of forces your hand. Especially with the wind chill, you most definitely want something more than any ol' jacket and jeans on the cold winter days... and I can't imagine faffing about in jeans when it gets above 70°F.