It hurts

Screaming into the void with this one, feel free to ignore.

My wife and I were a match made in hell. We'd both been previously married and figured we knew what we were doing the second time around.

She was a CSA survivor and had a really screwed up relationship with sex and intimacy, abandonment issues, history of abusive partners, severe depression and mood disorders. I am mildly autistic, have a history of being bullied and emotionally abused, have a strong caretaker drive and zero self-esteem.

She asked me to promise her that I wouldn't let her run away, because she had a pattern of abandoning people before they can abandon her. She spent our entire marriage telling me she wanted a divorce every time we argued.

She said at the beginning that she was poly but that she was willing to be monogamous to be with me, because she loved me and would never want to hurt me that way. That promise lasted about three months.

She cheated on me off and on throughout our 8-year relationship, every time I'd catch her she would claim her mental illness was pushing her to make bad choices and I would be the good devoted husband and stay with her to try and fix things.

I got her into therapy, we did couples therapy, got her on meds, even tried bringing other women into our relationship (she's bi), but none of it stopped her from cheating or threatening to leave.

Finally about a year ago, we were arguing and she grabbed me, I pushed her away, she called the cops and I got arrested. She filed for divorce that night while I was in jail. We were no-contact for 3 months due to an automatic TRO, but she found ways to get messages to me and when the TRO ended, I moved back home and we started living together as a couple again. She still wanted to leave, but we would sign a post-nup so that we could stay married and she would have health insurance.

She moved out in January, and in that time we've had an unusual relationship. Our sex life came and went depending on her mood, but I wanted us to stay married on paper as long as possible so she could get healthcare, otherwise she would have to go to the exchange.

Tonight, we met for me to give her some stuff from the house, and she told me she's filing to finalize our divorce and she no longer wants to interact with me. She's going to start dating someone, and she doesn't want me in her life at all anymore.

I know this is a necessary step, but it still hurts. It feels like I'm being replaced now that she has someone else, and since I don't have any friends of my own I'm now completely alone. On top of which, she still doesn't have a good option for health insurance, but she's willing to give that up in order to have me out of her life.

I feel like I've failed, because she's going to suffer from something that I could easily fix. I feel like I must be a horrible person if she's willing to sacrifice her health to be rid of me. I feel worthless because as soon as she found someone else she liked she was ready to be done with me.

I don't really want to post this, but my therapist tells me it's important to verbalize what I'm feeling. I'm too good at suppressing my emotions and never actually processing them, so I guess this is just me exposing myself in a way that I can't ignore. I won't see my therapist until next Monday and by then I'll definitely have suppressed all of this.

So, as I said, feel free to ignore. I just needed to put this somewhere.