Have to tell someone, so you're it

Is it possible right now?

Been living in nice apartment we bought with my ex-husband over 5 years ago. The housing company is a nightmare and I've had two burnouts in the last two years because of it. Finally put on my big girl pants and bought myself a small house. The dogs get a bigger yard and I get to be the weird middle aged woman in the neighborhood, that all the kids think is weird. And now I'm questioning all my decicions. What if there's something wrong with the house? (It was checked by a professional that the structure was healthy, but does anxiety listen to that? No). What if it's a financial catastrophe? (It's cheaper to pay and upkeep than my current one. I did the math MANY times over with different variables and scenarios. Thank you autism). What if something breaks? (It's thoroughly renovated and I have extensive insurances in place). I don't like the two toilets it has (first doesn't have any shelves or cabinets, second one has cabinets, but they don't face the toilet seat. And somehow this is an irk to me. And if I could check 8 things of my 10-thing-requirement-list for a house, a toilet cabinet is a small inconvience).

I found the house myself. I made the decision myself. I only asked what I wanted, for once. And I will not say outloud to anyone who knows me personally, that I'm scared that I made a mistake. But it's too late to back down. Money has changed hands (or bank accounts) and everything is in motion. I have so many lists what is required in this process and I'm ticking them off as I go. I have always done what is best for others. That others have it as easy as I can make it, by sacrificing my own wishes. Afraid, that if I want, or heavens aloud DEMAND, something for myself, it will cause a confrontation and make people dislike me. I'm really trying to learn how to say no. I don't have to do everything others ask me to. Hence the burnouts. Maybe this thing is a gift in anxiety-wrapped disguise. A first step toward what I want. And what I need. It's dangerous to be too nice in this modern day world. There are people who will take advantage of that. And I have to point out, my ex wasn't one of those people. He's one of the few, who stood my ground for me, if needed. We broke up on other reasons, mainly my autism-related emotional barricades.

I wish I wasn't doing this by myself, but life is what it is. I move in two days. I really should be packing, but hey: they say deadline is the best motivator.

TLDR: i'm moving, scared shitless. Opened up a little bit more than I was supposed to. Sorry <3 Back to packing ->