license2kilt
120235
2871
65
I’m 46 years old and I have never had what I would consider a healthy adult relationship. I’ve had one relationship in the last 13+ years that lasted all of three months. The only long term relationship I’ve had was with the abusive mother of our child when I was an active alcoholic in my 20’s. I’ve only had five girlfriends in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life. I turned my life around from those dark days in my 20’s. I’ve been sober for 16 years. I have a great career. I help my mom take care of her home since my father passed in 2018. I have full custody of my kid and do everything I can to support and encourage them.
I don’t NEED a relationship to complete me. I’m complete. I like who I am. But I wish I understood why I struggle to find that connection with someone that seems to come so easily to so many others around me.
SlagathorDeb
I know why I struggle finding a man. I don't go out much. I work with women. And... well, I'm kind of an asshole.
bamfghani
hey man, its not pathetic at all, that's a totally normal emotion to want to share. i hope you manage to work out your feelings.
icommentwithsteveharvey
FentuckyCriedKhicken
I have nothing you had, but I have Linda, my true and only one gaming chair, who hugs me all the time.
OmNachoMama
I'm complete and content without a partner, but sharing is so much nicer. It took me 53 years to find the right person to begin a healthy
OmNachoMama
adult relationship. Two years in and moving REALLY slowly, but I'm finally enjoying sharing my life.
jennhoff03
I'm sorry. People here are giving advice but the bottom line is it sucks. I'm in a similar boat. It's rough. My condolences.
BigBadBagelBite
Sounds like you have an ingrained view of what a relationship is based on your past experience, and it's making it difficult to move forward
license2kilt
There is truth to this.
activeracer28
Your not alone. You can still be alone surrounded by love. Depression can be a bitch.
Suboftheday
Soooo. You're single
putcleverusernamehere
"I wish I understood why I struggle to find that connection with someone that seems to come so easily to so many others around me"...
putcleverusernamehere
...THIS
putcleverusernamehere
... Been there. Still there.
angelinsa
Female version. Husband died when I was 19. Haven’t had a “real” relationship in 25yrs. Been absolutely single, not even dates. I’m 44??
WhatInTarnationMyDudes
Tundra314
You guys should date :)
angelinsa
Not an option. Mine are 25/26. Not up to raising kids again. Enjoying being a grandma at 44. ?
Tundra314
I didn’t say make kids again xD
pennypoohbear
I say a selfie is warranted. Imugr girls cheer the man on!
therabidferrett
Being a loving father and son are amazing accomplishments. I'm proud that you were able to turn your life around and make things better for
license2kilt
Thank you.
therabidferrett
Those around you. It also takes considerable strength to accurately self reflect to come to the conclusion you have. In non covid times
therabidferrett
I would suggest trying to join an organization that involves a Hobby of yours. Playing hockey, softball, a bowling league, darts, DnD..
therabidferrett
Or whatever you are into. Being part of something can help with your self esteem and lead to opportunities to meet someone with a shared
therabidferrett
Interst. Having a common ground to start on helps with building relationships. Hugs OP.
Virgozer
A good friend of mine has her doctorate in pharmacology, a good circle of friends; always saying she feels lonely for the very same reasons.
prolurker2077
It's rough out there. I have a degree, career, not adonis but not unattractive. Been single for 7 years now. Now as long as op but still...
Margleblargle
You might need a bromance too, there is something to be said for just having close friends.
shapeshiftingshart
Seak a therapist. Talk it out. Don't let the stigma of seeing one keep you from a life of happiness.
mdmissymarie
It's not a stigma, if the pool is stagnant where you live you can't talk therapy partners into existence.
loveandrockets
You will find someone and it is never pathetic to share here or elsewhere. Maybe 2021 will be your year.
Nubsyouwont
As a child of a twice divorced dad. I saw him going thru this most of my adult years. It takes time and it will get better. Hang in there!
Nubsyouwont
It took till he was in his 50s but now he’s really happy now and tells me how he has great convos and loves her company for once. So don’t
Nubsyouwont
Rush it just give it some time. It will come when you least expect it
mdmissymarie
Mom side ditto
LanguageSeeking
I’m not a mental health professional, but this might be something a good therapist can help with. Please consider “shopping around” in...
klmred
How is a therapist going to help? Not trying to be argumentive, I just don't see how talking to a therapist will help anything here.
license2kilt
I have benefitted from professional therapy more than once in my life.
dogsareokay
I recently found a dating coach/therapist and it opened my eyes to barriers I'm putting up to connecting. DM me if you want to check it out
Covidnineteen
As a guy who's wife's best friend minored in psychology, but dropped out due to drugs, I'm practically a therapist myself
LanguageSeeking
...the new year, it sounds like you’ve built a solid foundation for your life and you just need some help learning how to enjoy it.
RayMC
Apologies if this sound like a bad-faith question, but can you really “learn” how to enjoy life? Really? Isn’t that sort of like trying (1)
RayMC
to “teach” an asexual to enjoy sex? You can’t teach that, it comes naturally. If it doesn’t, thats it. Am I mixing apples and oranges? (2/2)
Margleblargle
It feels like mixing to me. Enjoying life is definitely a learning curve.
Margleblargle
Like, my brother helped me learn how to enjoy life, it comes from unexpected places.
LanguageSeeking
Fair question, again not a professional, but what OP is describing sounds to me like coping mechanisms that have outlived their usefulness.
whiskeyandapplecider
Do you date? Do you like dating? Doesn’t always need sex but allows you to be romantic/receive romance. Idk, but +1 fatherhood.
license2kilt
The willing participant part seems to be my main sticking point.
wowthatsbright
Dating sites aren’t all bad.
whiskeyandapplecider
Yea. Can be tough. Maybe it’s time to take the old Adblock off to see hot singles in your area. Jk. Maybe your daughter’s friend’s mom ;)
MisanthropicMath
He’s not wrong. I met my bf of 3 years on one of “those” sites. Still not sure how he trapped me into a relationship. ?
AlwaysUpvotesRaul
You didn’t reveal much about your social life, so take this with a grain of salt: try branching out. Find a hobby & community of peers (1/)
AlwaysUpvotesRaul
Outside of your norm. It’s cliche but if your usual social circles aren’t working out, then you’ve only got two choices; stay the course (2/
AlwaysUpvotesRaul
Or blaze one in search of something new. Granted, your difficulty is compounded by family obligations & now covid restrictions. G’luck.
YourFosterParents
As a single dad... read this book #healthyadult (yes hashtag is in the title) I am dealing with a lot of what you may be. Keep doing you OP
TripUpStairs
Hey @op , mind if I ask how you came to the decision to stop drinking? Is there something someone said, or decided on your own? Well done!
license2kilt
I was physically in very rough shape and after another ER visit I voluntarily entered an outpatient treatment program.
TripUpStairs
Proud of you. My husband has 11 years. I worry about our 23 y/o, but I dont think there are words that will change his ways at this point.
buttonbutton
I quit drinking when I decided it was time to grow up. I haven’t drank in 3 years. Maybe your kid will do the same.
TripUpStairs
3 years! Good job and thanks.
buttonbutton
Bad news is it took until I was 31. I’m now married with a 17 month old and a baby on the way and have a great job. There’s hope!
elrupTieSmuggler
I know what you mean. The holidays make it feel worse than it is.
littlelotte17
I cried far too much this holiday season for that exact reason.
kyorsmuckers
I couldn’t stop crying last night. Hosted my family but at end of the day I alone. My mom told me to see a therapist but tired of single
kyorsmuckers
“Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick”
alittlekinkinthenuts
I felt the same then a multi-layer series of weird synchronicities started happening so I paid more attention. Found my human at the bottom.
alittlekinkinthenuts
Sometimes you gotta follow the weirdness lol
skip2112
I once told a friend when I was married I would rather be alone then feel alone. my now ex wife at the time was having a 4 year affair
HidesInTheDesert
Truth! I think I could BE HAPPY alone, but hate feeling alone while (supposedly) in a relationship.
license2kilt
Sometimes alone is good. But I understand that lonely and alone are not the same thing.
skip2112
Exactly
Howdoesonehuman
It's hard with COVID, but have you tried MeetUp? It's more for friends than dating but I think that's better anyway. They have groups >
Howdoesonehuman
For all kinds of different interests so it's easier to meet people who are like minded or into the same stuff as you. So if you do end up>
Howdoesonehuman
Meeting a special lady, you have a better foundation to start off with and if you don't, then you'll at least meet new friends. :) >
Howdoesonehuman
A lot of groups have virtual or socially distant meetups now too!
RosiePeaches23
This is great advice. Find someone with similar interests. I know several people who've met this way. I met my wife on a dating forum, lol.
license2kilt
Just to clarify for a few of the comments, I don’t believe I said anything about sex so the “advice” about hookers seems misguided.
OneOneNiner
I mean, you're probably right. But the post nut clarity sure does help a lot.
license2kilt
I can get that at home by myself for free.
SacrificialClam
Have you tried blackjack?
hoofbeatsandsnowflakes
Maybe you need to find yourself some really close adult friends! Of the platonic variety!
andyskeels
As a divorced dad, you can be complete but still improve your situation. A healthy person attracts a healthy relationship.
jskskj8888
I completely understand what you mean. I also have never had a healthy adult relationship But I'm kind of emotionally distant so I chalk it
jskskj8888
Up to that. And having kids just complicates it. I'm sure you will find the right person, just takes time for some.
ZoidbergIsGreat
Yeah that's not great advice... What does your usual dating pattern look like? When do things tend to fall apart?
license2kilt
The last time about a year and a half ago, it was great. We connected instantly. We did things together. We talked non stop. (1/2)
license2kilt
(2/2) But suddenly she started not feeling well and canceling plans. Then I got the “It’s not working” text message.
ZoidbergIsGreat
She never gave you a reason? Fear of commitment possibly?
rayeofsunshine
Divorced at 45. Spent yrs working out how to have a healthy adult relationship. Finally got there. It looks easy and isn't. Keep trying
eruditic
be a great father, be happy. you could just as easily burn through 40 or 50 relationships that won't be as fulfilling.
OnceIwasCaptainHammerNowIWishIwasNightMonkey
I wasn't alone that long only about 13 years, but when I found my wife, I was looking for an affectionate woman more than anything else.
Rosfmmmhzdrozzley
Lol I don't want to scroll down that far so I'll take your word that those types of comments are down there. Jesus christ guys
lurkilydurkiler
Yeah that’s awful! Met my HUSBAND online, we were both single parents.
Magus25
Serial daters don't know there is a difference. I haven't dated in a few years and I miss a hug more than a BJ.
Firesofiso
I just started reading "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin and it's really helped me figure what I need from a relationship. Could be useful <3
ripplenipplebastard
Nah man I feel you, this is my first one alone after my Dday and someone just physically close is what I miss the most. Head up my dude
LightStriker
I'm 37 and never been in a relationship. Perhaps you're just sick of monotony.
Ryanator50
yeah if hookers were able to solve the problem, you could just save some money and use your hand.
GoDownOnHer
Spend time with your kid. Do activities together. You'll find someone in the process
iwanttobebobdylan
Where do you live @OP?
Astrospud
I get what you mean, but don't underestimate how powerful simple physical contact is. Sometimes we don't realise how much we need it.
erischilde
It's not even about escorts for sex. They're practiced people pleasers. Honest to God, many people use them for company.
Astrospud
And to add, making a connection with other people is not easy. Thosr people who make it look easy, are either lucky or have practice.
Astrospud
Don't beat yourself up about what it looks like other people are doing. Other people look at you and think you're doing a great job dadding.
Willowknowsall
Wanting someone to share your life with and connect with isnt an "i need somebody" but we all want companionship, f the sex people, thats 2
Willowknowsall
A very small percentage of your time together, special bonus time!
Ialwayslookhungover
They do more than straight up sex. Take one out to dinner, see a movie, go dancing. Helps take the edge off the loneliness.
imnotatrain
You don't even need the sex. Just the uplift in the moral.
Wozzup
Might for you, and that's great. I personally can't imagine a more isolating, lonely, experience as paying someone to hang out with me.
corsettedconfectioner
My husband was single and dateless for 11+ years before me... I know the whole "right person" coming along seems cliche but it does happen
putcleverusernamehere
Excellent. Only 8 years to go.....
nanamonster
It's best to wait for the person you click with then to force something that's not going to work.
corsettedconfectioner
Exactly ... and we just fit together so perfectly ...
ChattingAtTheAqua
My husband was 5+ years alone before we met. It happens!
xCaykex
My husband had a few dates, but nothing substantial. I had just stopped actively dating to put time into hobbies. Met my husband @ the hobby
xCaykex
Things just have a funny way to work out the way it's meant to
latinomartino
Are you hitting on op!! /s
VagisilToothpaste
It is absolutely NOT guaranteed to happen. Millions of people die alone.
corsettedconfectioner
No but never give up hope or think it says anything about you ... sometimes the right person hasn't come along to truly see you
VagisilToothpaste
And frankly it can stay that way. People are shit, and I'm really 1000% over being fucked with, fucked over, lied to, and cheated on. NOTHX
LightStriker
11... that's some rookie number right there. :p
[deleted]
[deleted]
corsettedconfectioner
I can only imagine ... my husband was 36 when we met and only ever had 1 real relationship before me that didn't last that long 1/2
corsettedconfectioner
He admitted that he never thought he would ever find anyone and had really given up on dating ... now were married and got a baby coming!!
TurangaLeelaIsMyMom
I’m 39 (fem), and I didn’t go on my first date until I was 37. And I’ve still only been on 2. Not gonna lie, it is REALLY hard. It’ll feel >
TurangaLeelaIsMyMom
like you’re that person who prioritized staying home w/ the kids over working, but now no one wants to hire you b/c you lack the experience>
TurangaLeelaIsMyMom
all your peers have. It’s INCREDIBLY frustrating and exhausting. Here if you need to chat, though!
someguy7734206
To some people.
prolurker2077
Truth
Nyctibius
They're the exceptions
corsettedconfectioner
Just want to point out that time spent single is not always a reflection of you but many factors and not finding the right person is one