Domestic violence victims you are not alone

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6 years ago, I left for real after trying to leave 4 times before. I was so abused, and i didn't even know how bad it was until I was out. I wouldn't be thriving like I am today without the help of countless others who believed me and believed in me until I could find that for myself. I can't thank each and every one of them. But their small actions all made a difference and shaped who I am today.

Yesterday, I got the call. The call you dread. They weren't seriously hurt, but they were afraid, and they wanted out. I didn't know how much time we had until the partner would be back. I've never been on this end of it. But they got out and are in the shelter now. I wish I could say I did all the right things and said all the right things. But idk what I'm doing. All I know was that it was surreal and now I really see how far I've come.

I hope that one day they look back and see how different the other side is. How much more energy ad feelings and opinions you can have. What it's like to strive after being so stifled.

I don't want anyone who is experiencing abuse to feel alone when trying to heal. You are not alone. There are so many who have survived and so many who never got the chance to.

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you've been through. I don't know what you will go through. But I believe you. And I always will.

Don't let the bastards keep you down. Don't let them steal you away from yourself. You don't have to live in the fear and confusion. You won't be alone in this. Not truly.

If you have the feeling that you need to leave, act on it. Please don't wait.

geckogeckogec

I finally left a few months ago. It took me far too long I’m ashamed to admit. Now he’s taking everything I have in the divorce. I’ll be bankrupt and homeless but free.

2 years ago |

beeeeeeerkaaaaa

I had an abusive boyfriend in college. He had my mind so warped I agreed to go to counseling with him. Then I woke up realized "fuck no this is dumb"and just walked away. The stalking afterwards was fun too. Nothing would ever make me stay in an abusive situation ever again.

Matt010288

That’s amazing! I helped a friend like that and it was pretty terrifying when she told me what her boyfriend had done to her. She passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago so my partner and I went looking for her gravestone. Her and I had fallen out of contact and I hadn’t spoken to her in a while and expressed my regret to her sister when trying to locate her plot. Her sister told me that it didn’t matter if we hadn’t talked and that she probably would not have lived to 33 if I didn’t help her get

Out of her situation. I have a bunch of stuff she gave me in the shuffle of moving as much stuff as she could from their apartment as quickly as we did. I constantly see little reminders around my apartment.

Also, when we arrived at the cemetery we had no clue where she was. By chance, my partner and I parked about 100 feet from her spot which had no stone due to a long backlog caused by Covid.

charondaboatman

My wife used to work with an “Underground Railroad” type of support system in our state - moving abused people away as quickly and quietly as possible. She now helps on the admin side more than the actual moving and “escaping” part. Needs to be way more of them, sadly.

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Sayagain

What's it called?

NonWellKnownImgurian

It's always better to try and leave abuse, than stay in it

prosper020

Sometimes, you’re just hanging out in the hot tub that is your relationship when you start to realize that the water is getting uncomfortably hot so you begin the wriggle and readjust. Then suddenly the water is for sure too hot so you stand up to get out of the hot tub only to suddenly see that it’s actually a giant stainless steel stock pot with perfectly smooth walls taller than you can jump and reach. Try as you might, you are now stuck in a hell that started out very relaxing and nice.

Point being, you don’t always know what’s happening until it’s too late. Abusers tend to set up situations where their prey cannot escape easily. The real crafty ones set that up for a few months before slowly easing into the abuse. Basically, yeah, you should stop being around people who hurt you, but it’s not always as simple as leaving.

Hellstorm99

I am alone. They beat the shit out of me repeatedly for years. Kicked me in the face with high heels and chopped a crown of mine, broke several of my ribs, Even punched me in the face while I was sleeping. After years of abuse, I finally broke and swung back. I caught charges, she never did. Friends, family, courts… all only sided with her. So… I am alone. The moment you defend yourself as a male victim of domestic violence from a woman, you are the bad guy. At least that’s my experience.

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orangegoats

I am so sorry you had to put up with such horrific psychological and physical abuse. You deserve better. I see you and hope you find better

LylaLexie

I am so sorry this happened to you, men deserve the same support when they are dealing with an abusive partner that women deserve. Gender shouldn’t influence the outcome, if you were in an abusive relationship, you should be able to receive the same help as everyone else in that same situation. If you ever wanna chat, I’m here.

GoatRodeo

Omg I’m so very sorry. Hugs

ObiWanKenobitch

I’m sorry bro. That isn’t right. The guy I’m dating now has been divorced for several years from his abusive ex and is now in a custody battle to get full custody of their kids but the courts are basically going to wait until one of the kids actually gets physically hurt (she has been mentally abusing them and overmedicating them and took her new husband’s side when one of the kids claimed the dude touched him) it’s infuriating to see.

Foxsayy

I'm sorry. This happens more than people want to admit. Gender perceptions are changing...slowly. Not that it's much comfort to you now.

I hope you're in a better place. I hope you can heal.

Thank You. I am alone, so I am doing my best to work on me…
Just, I did better with my huskies, my son, and even with her all around. “A family to fight for” sort of thing. It has been difficult since she left, she got full custody of our son, shadow passed away, Kirra I had to let go to a better family where she is spoiled and loved far better than I could provide.

In time

DeeplyBroken

I'm on the way out. The abuse I've received isn't nearly as bad as many of the stories on this page. In her most recent attack, my abuser did manage to severely sprain one of my fingers. For the first time ever in 56 years of marriage, this time I raised a hand and pushed her away. Just a "get away" kind of thing. And then she blew it and fell down, severely injuring herself. And now everyone in out apartment building is looking daggers at me. I can't win.

Heavenissize17socks

You've got to get video evidence. It's so uncommon for male victims of violence to be understood, much less believed.
Don't assume your neighbors are judging you. They might not be.

I'm pretty sure that my wife has started a few rumors around our building about me. I was very relieved when my oldest neighbor, a 94-year old lady, encountered me in the hallway one day and said, "I've seen how she treats you. And what a liar she is! I don't know how you stand it." Also, fortunately, our daughter knows the truth, but right now she is angry at me for still being here when she has been telling me for decades that I should run. She was right.

Many of my friends knew what my wife is like. I find it just a bit curious that all of our close friends who knew us both (and could testify for me) are dead. My last surviving longtime close friend passed just last year. (I'm 74, by the way)

hotrodny

If that happened to me i would set up video cameras in order to get proof.

I loved her… last thing I wanted was to get her in trouble.

The thinking is understandable, afaik.

Unfortunately, this is one of the many reasons people justify a bad relationship. I am clearly guilty of it. It has been six and a half years since she left, and I still miss her.

theresgoldinthemtherehills

I had an abusing wife. One day she tried to strangle me so I backhanded her to get me off me. The boys, both under 2 witnessed her abuse on a regular basis. Court still gave her my boys. She did her upmost to demonise me to them daily. Haven had contact in 30 years and it breaks my heart every day

lacarpitrondookmarriot

I am so so sorry this happened to you.

I’m so very sorry 😢

That's pretty rough. It's heartbreaking just to read it, much less live it. Hang in there, dude.

thedarkcanuck

You know what scares me? What if being an abuser has to potential of being like a sleeper agent? I'm not sure if being an abuser is always a conscious choice, but something that's been hiding under the surface since your childhood traumas. Like, what if you had no idea you were capable of being abusive or intentions of it, but one day it just.. happens without your control? I'm doing therapy before a serious relationship because of that thought. I don't want to ever be that guy.

Mandarinduckmama

It's very simple, use your words.

You should also worry about how a person who has left an abusive situation would react if encountering another abusive situation.

Thank you for being cognizant of your possible flaws and thank you even more for working to better yourself. My ex literally gave me ptsd from reenacting the tantrums they used to see their dad have. They knew they had trauma going on, they went to therapy, but they always just said “I’m sorry this is how my dad used to act!” They knew it was wrong, and that they were killing me, but weren’t strong enough to stop hiding behind the trauma. My dad used to act the same way as their dad did.

We all learn, cope, survive, etc in different ways, so I get all having different trauma reactions. I’m very curious why mine was to become non reactive and their’s was to mimic the rage. Either way, the fact that they kept doing the same patterns while getting more and more abusive with every attack, it became clear that they didn’t want to be / get better, they just wanted to Feel better.

My mother is an abuser and she doesn't recognize it to this day. It's possible.
I'm glad you're looking out for it.

darkdragonempress

Well silver lining is that it’s noted that abuse is a choice. It’s not a person lashing out because they were triggered. (Which is something that can happen so you do have to be careful of that). But abuse is someone that has in their mind decided their partner isn’t a full human being. They are instead a vessel for the abuser’s wants and needs and the abuser feels it’s their right to discipline if that isn’t met.

Don't call abuse "discipline." It IS someone lashing out because they were triggered. And if lashing out physically was what was modeled, then that's how they will be inclined to respond, as well. It's up to everyone to relearn this response because it's dysfunctional behavior and wrong.

I was using the term discipline because that is what an abuser’s mind thinks it is. While yes the type of abuse inflicted will often depend on what is modeled growing up, no it’s not someone merely lashing out because they were triggered. It is someone giving themselves permission to engage in cruel behavior. “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book explaining this mentality.

Lonecoon

I grew up in a violent household and the urge to lash out is there every day. You have to practice mindfulness. You have to guard your thoughts and actions. You have to think before you act every single time. It's exhausting, but you have to know it's time when to leave a situation and know when to stop talking. You have to manage the conflict in yourself, and some people won't let you do that. Avoid those people.

WholeEquus

I had some great therapy, some of the things I struggled with don't happen anymore at all. Highly recommend somatic therapy with other modalities like EMDR, dialectal, and internal family systems.

Keep up the good work

Pulling yourself out of the situation is critical. You ALWAYS have the right to leave for a time out. It takes 20 full minutes to reabsorb the adrenaline of a rage moment. Take yourself out. You get to manage you.

OverthinkingThis

There is a steep difference between thoughts and actions. Obviously the ideal would be for those thoughts to never happen but that not a reasonable ask for people who have received or witnessed violence regularly, among others.

The key is to recognize when you are in a state where lashing out is a potential (angry, stressed, etc) and not "bottling it up" but accepting that emotion and processing it (as soon as possible, sometimes you can't at the moment). The *decision* to act on those...

is where things get bleak and where your worry comes into play. Everyone gets angry at some point, everyone gets overwhelmed at one point or another. Abusers and similar are usually lashing out at others in a futile attempt to run away from those feelings, blaming others. Being aware of yourself and working through those emotions properly goes a looooolng way to making sure you'll never end up like that.

dreikommavierzehn

Definitely. My dad had some abusive trait and I know from myself I can't handle anger. As soon as I allow it only a little bit, it becomes rage quickly almost instantly. Even if I allow myself to get angry a tiny bit for a couple times it becomes more and more each time.
I've always been afraid of that side, how quickly it becomes uncontrollable and how it wants to be directed at someone else.
The only solution was to always maintain my balance. Never allow myself to become angry regardless of >

circumstances. That may sound like ignoring the problem but I think it's the opposite. I've faced what's behind that curtain and self-restraint has been the only effective way to deal with it.

This seems precarious. I suggest you start practicing how to communicate what is happening to you to the others in your presence and then remove yourself to calm down. We can always learn to grow our fuse, and you must.

I have spent most of my time alone, so the anger was directed at myself or my environment.
When it comes to interactions with others, I did exactly what you suggested. When it comes to strangers/acquaintances (such as group therapy) I started to draw my line cleary and voiced it explicitly. Biggest problem here were people that wouldn't let it go / give me space and where the only option left was that I leave the scene entirely (at least as an adult I had that option; as a teen this was hell)

In relationships/friendships there's more time to talk things through. Those usually ended when I had made my boundaries clear and the respective person still picked a fight. My unresponsiveness was often interpreted as if I didn't care and there was nothing to change their mind.
Not that this matters anymore today; just experiences that show how long it takes to learn and grow in communication

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